Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Now we’re talking.

Mother Puncher

Huh. Ok then.

Doktor Zymm

Finally!

Gratliff

Kelce REALLY wants a chance to show up his brother in a parade

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Ge…get that WALRUS LOOKING mutherfucker up here”

Senor Weaselo

Time to ketchup!

...

ALRIGHT DO THAT LIKE FOUR MORE TIMES AND I WON’T HATE YOU

Doktor Zymm

Chefs up to 3 good plays!

Mr. Ayo

Make it 4!

Gratliff

Thank you, -15 wind chill, for preventing me from seeking refuge from this game in fast food.

Brocky

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I haven’t seen Mahomes this uncomfortable since Terry Bradshaw said “he’s the best mulatto quarterback I’ve ever seen!”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I forgot that I have a bomber of Karl Strauss’ 30th Anniversary Rye Whiskey Barrel Aged Russian Imperial Stout. It’s over 15%. Let’s see if I can make dinner before passing out!

LemonJello

Seems like your dinner is already right there in the bomber.

Redshirt

Belichick’s Halftime Snack

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Unsurprised

It kinda looks like shit.

LemonJello

Is that what virgin souls look like?

Redshirt

Cooked walrus.

Mr. Ayo

He’s a cannibal?

Actually, not surprised.

Mother Puncher

Horse dicks?

Spur

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Spur

The Pats should be up 28-0. There is a slim hope but I think Trump has better odds for reelection.

Unsurprised

Oh. My dude. I don’t want to be the one to break it to you, but he’s virtually assured to be re-elected.

Unsurprised
...

A good reminder that this is the best bar in Chicago.

Open until 2am with @valcapone in charge of refreshments. Plenty of $3 & $4 craft beer specials. BYO dinner & swear at Tom Brady with us.

— Nisei Lounge Chicago (@NiseiLounge) January 21, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Doktor Zymm

Plus popcorn, Mickey’s grenades and real darts made of metal!

Doktor Zymm

It’s also one of the last vestiges of the neighborhood’s period as Chicago’s Japantown

Sharkbait

Good to know. Going to Chicago in April for a wedding. Will be polling all of you for places

...

I was there last night and no football was one but multiple people were all about “fuck Tom Brady.”

Also the ceiling is still decorated with a whole attic’s worth of Christmas kitsch.

Beerguyrob

Well, this thing’s done. I’m going out for dinner, to a place with no tv.

Doktor Zymm

‘Hmmmm, maybe if I call a timeout DURING halftime we can turn it around!’

-Andy Reid

LemonJello

“Can I challenge that it’s halftime?”
-Also Andy Reid

makeitsnowondem

This is fucking impossible. The Chiefs have to come back, I can’t make sense of this otherwise.

Gratliff

The only adjustments Andy has ever made at halftime involved loosening his belt

...

Broke out the coffee barleywine because God is dead and no one cares.

makeitsnowondem

If there’s a hell I’ll see you there.

Spur

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Spur

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Spur

Andy Reid should be fired at halftime. Let Mahomes call his own plays.

Sharkbait

Good half!!

WCS

Don’t sweat, everyone. Now’s the time for Andy Reid’s patented second-half playoff adjustments!

Spur

maybe he got his bedshitting done in 1st half?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Gatoraids

Reid should call his tailor for advice in making alot of adjustments

Brocky

I swear if I ever find out who changed how gfycat embeds i will drive to their house and carve a tapout logo in their lawn

Unsurprised

You have to click the little triangle and then click gifs and then pick a size. Super easy!
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Brocky

Stupid question…. which triangle? I’m on mobile

Unsurprised

In the browser? It’s at the bottom right below the video. I think it’s supposed to be a paper plane or something.
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Unsurprised

That gives you this screen
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Unsurprised

Finally, this screen. You usually want to pick the Large GIF:
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Unsurprised

In the Gfycat app, you have to get the link, open it in the browser, and then select the gif.
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Gatoraids

Game reminds me of the heat death of the universe in so many ways

Mr. Ayo

The P*ts D isn’t even good. And yet they still held Mahomes-y to NIL in the half.

Senor Weaselo

I haven’t seen Kermit do this much stupid shit since taking back Miss Piggy.

Senor Weaselo

So yeah, I’m fairly sure before P*ts games defenses get lobotomies because it shouldn’t be that hard to turn around, or have one of six guys make a tackle.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Welp, time to switch to whiskey.

Doktor Zymm

Tequila makes a great mixer for whiskey

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jeebus, if you’re going to commit PI, at least stop the catch ffs.

Spur

No halftime lunch for Andy.

herodotus450

What about halftime second-lunch?

Mother Puncher

god is dead

Gatoraids

NFL refs betrayed his son Breesus and he hath now forsaken us

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That warranted a flag, too.

...

We’re getting another Boston-Los Angeles championship because everything fucking sucks.

WCS

But, it isn’t Celtics-Lakers, so Bill Simmons doesn’t think it’s a REAL championship.

...

Someone need to drown Simmons and the rest of Gen X.

Unsurprised

Hey!

Wait.

Nope. Fuck it. I’m not part of any generation. Kill away.

The Maestro

LUCKY THIRTEEN BABY!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Petronel

OH HELL YEAH

Unsurprised

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Spur

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Unsurprised

I prefer her other bathroom video.

Spur

am not allowed to share that one

Unsurprised

I know

Doktor Zymm

You can use clear nail polish to stop a run in a stocking. Maybe the KC D needs some goddamn manicures, cause they sure as hell can’t stop any sort of run

Game Time Decision

Banner

Unsurprised

Seconded

Spur

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Spur

I swear Doc Rivers only bothers to wakeup for Spurs games.

Gratliff

lol

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Follow up haiku:

I see no hope here
Time to get back to playing
Final Fantasy

...

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.

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Everything but the katchen sink”

Doktor Zymm

Kitties!

Mr. Ayo

Kittehs!

Petronel

“Sir, your faucet is leaking cats.”

Unsurprised

Oh no. I guess I’ll just have to let it leak.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

— Charlie Kelly, amateur plumber

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Firing blindly into crowds of peasants…so I guess those people on the battlements are the Bud Light kingdom’s version of cops?

Spur

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Spur

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King Hippo

OK, guess maybe I have to zone out on the game completely? See y’all later, back to booky-book.

/in this timeline, the Nazi Party rising pretty much happens in the CSA instead of Germany

WCS

Nonfiction, eh?

LemonJello

Title, please?

...

Is it Turtledove’s series?

Spur

just about to ask that

Redshirt

I don’t think so, but I did read about it in one AU book

I think Turtledove has them winning, thriving and losing to USA around the time of WW1.