Temptation Island Talk – Episode 4

Welcome back to Temptation Island Talk!

This week, we saw the rest of the second bonfire, the couples went on their third dates, and we had a third bonfire.

Also, Kaci is starting to regret coming to this island.

Before we get to the recap, let me refresh your memories as to what the couples look like.

Karl and Nicole, from Chicago
Evan and Kaci, from LA
Javen and Shari, from San Francisco
John and Kady, from Fort Worth

Episode 4 Recap

This episode is titled “Rock My World”. I’m curious to find out which person says that phrase.

We start off, again, with the standard “Previously… on Temptation Island” and they show a bunch of clips from the last show.

We are back at the Ladies’ bonfire because last episode we didn’t see anything from the ladies’ side of things. They seem calmer as they greet Mark L with “Hello” and reply “Thank you” when he says “Welcome” instead of “Welcome”.

Kaci starts talking and tells Mark L that she has realized that she could be more affectionate towards Evan and that she has snapped at him over “stupid shit”. Methinks she’s gonna offer up the five hole the next time she sees him.

Kady goes first and the girls all see John saying he needs to forget about Kady and concentrate on the experience. That did NOT go over well. For some reason, probably nervousness, Kaci is all involved and tells Kady, “You got this!” and I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

Kady reveals that she grew up without a father and must be, in some way, seeking a father figure in men and she starts to cry. I think she’s thinking back of a time when she dated an older man and he got her to take it in the pooper.

Speaking of assholes, Shari is next and the team gets to see Javen looking at his mirror with all the lip prints on it and the sexy message. Nothing major. She lies through her teeth when she says she is now making sure her experience is not controlled by his.

Nicole is next and they all see Karl talking to a girl and bonding with her about being raised by a single parent and her being adopted. Nicole says she’s happy for Karl, which prompts a double-take from me and Kady. Apparently, she says this because she is now developing empathy and I don’t think she knows how to spell empathy let alone what it means.

Kaci, who has been nodding and being supportive to all the girls is now next and asks for someone to hold her hands. It’s like she has ESPN.

Kaci, from Agoura Hills

Sure enough, we see Evan and Morgan talking and Morgan saying she has a crush on him. Kaci is NOT happy and is worried that she’s going to lose Evan.

Back at the Boys’ villa, the Single Girls ask how the bonfire went. Javen talks about how his girlfriend is not engaged and is only talking about him and how that’s weird.

At the Girls’ villa, the Single Boys are playing flip cup because they need to be drunk to deal with the coupled girls. Wynn is slowly working on Kady, waiting patiently for when he can introduce her to his meaty balls.

Kaci sucks at Beer Pong and that’s no surprise. Matt, in the meantime, is thirsty as hell and feels like a “dead loser” because nothing is happening. Point blank, he asks Nicole what’s up with her not picking him and that’s just a bad idea. Here’s the whole cringeworthy sequence:

Granted, it was a bad thing to say, but Tyler jumping in there and piling on is a dick move. Naturally, Nicole thinks Tyler’s actions are great and she’s such a stupid dumbshit that you know what? Fuck it. I don’t care. Matt, you’re not losing out on anything.

Back in the Boys’ villa, Evan and Morgan are in the jacuzzi and this is about to get hot. They talk for a bit and then, as she walks away from him in the kitchen, she says, “Don’t get weirded out!” What she really means is “Hide the boner you’re getting while staring at my ass!”

Date Draft Time! (Or Not)

It’s the next morning and it’s time to pick the dates for Date #3! Except it’s not! This time, Mark L throws everyone for a loop at the Girls’ villa as he introduces Cameron:

Cameron, from Dallas, TX

The coupled girls will get the choice of keeping Cameron on the island and sending one of the Single Boys home or sending Cameron home. They huddle up and Matt is shitting his pants. The rest of the Single Boys are not too happy about this turn of events either.

In the end, the ladies decide that one guy in particular started off well but then petered off (that’s gotta be embarrasing) and decide to send Roman home. It’s weird because Roman was the guy that was previously blocked from going out with Kady. I guess he really must have said, “I’m blocked? Fuck this shit!”

Later losers!

All the Single Guys say goodbye to Roman and give Cameron the evil eye.

Back at the Boys’ villa, they get the same choice. The new girl is Lindsay:

Lindsay, from Hermosa Beach (call it LA)

Even though Lindsay looks like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan had a STD-riddled child that desperately needs to have her stylist match her eyebrows to her hair, the coupled boys decide to keep her and send Dumb Asian Flight Attendant Cathleen home.

Wait, what happened?

Interestingly, Evan thinks she looks familiar. Lindsay is glad he recognizes her as they matched up in a dating app years ago but she was too chicken to meet him. Morgan is not happy.

WHOA! Apparently date selections were boring as we go out of commercial and straight into the dates.

Jack’s poem was “rewarded” with a date with Nicole. Shari has picked Jon and the four of them go to a pineapple farm. Nicole notes that you can do a lot of things with pineapples like eat them and drink them and smash them!

I hate Nicole. And Shari. The farmer is showing the foursome how to cut the pineapple with a machete and Nicole is so stupid that someone has to move the blade to the right position so that she doesn’t injure anyone. If it was me, I would put the blade right next to her neck and told her to slice away. $5 says she would have.

There is some nice product placement as they sample Pau pineapple vodka and seriously you should try some because I’ve had some and it’s pretty tasty! I’m surprised Jon and Jack aren’t taking multiple shots.

Get blackout drunk… the Island Way!

Shari has enjoyed the fact that Jon didn’t ask her any deep questions and that’s why she had fun on the date. She also thought pineapples grew on trees and this is officially the dumbest double date in history.

Meanwhile, Evan is locked in on Morgan as he picks her for Date #3 and they join Karl and Jeffri on the beach for what looks like… canoeing? I can’t tell because Evan and Morgan stay on the beach and watch Karl and Jeffri fight the surf with Jeffri sporting what has to be a really painful wedgie.

Kady has picked Carlos while Kaci has chosen Val and they also go to the beach (I’m assuming another one. It is a big island.) to go on a banana boat. That’s ANOTHER repeat of a Single Boy for a date with a different girl and I really don’t get the coupled girls’ dating strategy. It’s like they think it’s totally normal to share boys like they share tampons or pads.

Karl thinks Jeffri is cool, but didn’t feel a connection with her boobs. He is obviously an ass man.

John chose Tara and her blue eyes while Javen chose Allie and her buns (that’s a callback from episode 1 y’all!) to go scuba-snorkeling. Javen didn’t know that existed yet he is fully aware that Allie’s butt exists and is, in his estimation, lovely.

Tara, from LA

I love the fact that, when Tara asks John about Kady, his reply is “Who’s Kady again?”

Kady’s the one that is now having lunch and girlie drinks with Carlos and who lies when he asks her who her favourite guys are on the island and she tells him it’s him.

Morgan and Evan are hitting it off and I like the byplay between them. Evan says she’s trouble. Morgan says she’s not. The one thing that IS in trouble is Evan and Kaci’s relationship.

The dates are over and we are now back at the villas. In the boys’ villa, Brittney is talking to Javen and he tells her she scares him. In confessional, he notes that her eyes are like “a cheetah” and I’m cracking up at the thought of little Brittney scaring off Javen.

The Single Girls have decided to indoctrinate the coupled boys into their “sorority” and will be, as Javen fears, hazed. Javen, of course, is first and is given the option to give a lap dance to one of the girls. He declines.

Karl goes next and is given the option by ringleader Katheryn of doing a body shot off the girl of his choice. He also declines on the grounds that his girlfriend will see that. He graciously passes that opportunity to Evan who will take the bullet for his boy and do one off Morgan. You can tell Evan really struggled with that decision. (sarcasm font)

John is next and essentially tells the black guys that they are a bunch of pussy-whipped wimps as he licks peanut butter off of Erica’s boobs:

Erica, from Stevenson Ranch, CA (Call it LA)

As he explains, “It wasn’t like the peanut butter was on her nipple and I had to do like circles around it or anything like that!” That’s sound logic and, though I wouldn’t necessarily use that excuse in real life, I applaud him for the effort, the technique, and the subtle “Fuck You” to Kady.

Karl is apparently not as afraid of Brittney as Javen is and wants to get to know her better. In the kitchen, she gets him to sing and that’s a good sign.

Back in the Girls’ villa, Carlos has now realized that Kady lied her lying face off to him as she is going to the jacuzzi with Wynn in a leopard-skin bikini and the Jungle Fever hitting her can’t be more obvious, can it?

While there, Kady tells Wynn that he’s the only one on the island that can “rock my world” and now we know where the episode title came from. I honestly think Carlos would be more upset seeing that than John at this point.

Tyler is parlaying his takedown of Matt into some alone time with Nicole and you know what? Fuck him. Let him get that dumb girl. He deserves her stupidity.

Evan keeps saying that he doesn’t know about Morgan and really he does he just doesn’t want to admit it and OH WAIT yes he does because they’re K.I.S.S.I.N.G!

Actually, it’s turning into more of a makeout session and good for them! Someone has to have some fun on this island!

This… is getting REALLY good.

Dating Chart!

Now, y’all know I love me some charts and graphs. I’m analytical that way. I’ve compiled the following chart of all the dates so far with repeats in italics. Repeat dates with the same person are in bold italics:

Coupled Boy/GirlDate#1Date#2Date#3
KarlSheldynAllieJeffri
JohnHannahRachelTara
JavenKaylaEricaAllie
EvanBrittneyMorganMorgan
ShariJamesTylerJon
KaciCarlosJustinVal
NicoleTylerJamesJack
KadyJohnWynnCarlos

Cathleen and Roman went home without getting picked for any dates. That leaves Katheryn as the only Single Girl from the original 12 that has not been picked for any dates. On the other side, the Single Boys that have not been picked are Matt and Scott. Lindsay and Cameron just got here, so they haven’t really had a chance to get picked yet.

I’ll update the chart each week for comparison purposes.

Bonfire Time!

The coupled boys are being driven to the bonfire site for their third bonfire. Javen goes first and he hears the Single Boys talking shit about him and saying that Shari is really cool.

His response is classic as he basically says, “I know. That’s why I’m with her and they’re not!” Hold on, cowboy. You’re not really WITH her right now and you are supposed to be finding someone better! DON’T WIMP OUT ON ME NOW!

Evan goes next and sees Val giving Kaci a piggyback ride on the beach. They also see her tell Val that she didn’t realize what she was getting them into. It’s funny because Evan’s reaction is basically, “Tough shit. I can’t walk that back!”

Yeah, I can see how it could be hard to walk back a juicy makeout session with Morgan Notyourgirlfriend.

John sees Kady in the jacuzzi with Wynn and they hear the “rock my world” comment. To my great delight, his attitude is basically, “Well, I don’t like to see that, but I just licked peanut butter off a girl’s boobs, so whatcha gonna do?” Or words to that effect.

Karl goes last and the team sees Nicole say that Karl doesn’t trust her and they see Tyler try to turn it so Nicole thinks it’s Karl’s fault. Unfortunately, Karl thinks he now knows. Mark L says, “You know what?” Karl says he now knows that he cares about Nicole and would be a mess if he saw her doing anything with anyone.

All I have to say is, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE BLACK GUYS?!?! Seriously, you are now thinking how great your girlfriends are?!? They are the dumbest box of rocks in the universe! They are so useless they couldn’t even be used to sharpen knives!

Anyway, the boys head back to the villa and Karl and Javen are pissing me off right now. I’ve never been prouder of John and Evan.

The girls now are being driven to their bonfire and there is a nice bit of foreshadowing as Shari says she doesn’t want to see Javen doing anything physical. Kaci, on the other hand, regrets telling Evan a kiss is ok and OH BOY wait until she sees the video!

Sure enough, we see the kiss and sure enough Kaci starts to cry and sure enough, Mark L ends the episode here because he knows exactly what he is doing and should get an Emmy for this.

The last line of the show is Kaci saying something about feeling tortured and I can’t remember it exactly because I’m laughing my ass off. Here is the whole sequence for your viewing pleasure:

***

Updated Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it after this episode:

  • John and Kady: Absolutely Fabulously Fucked
  • Nicole and Karl: Surprisingly, Too Dumb To Break Up
  • Shari and Javen: Too Dumb To Break Up 2: Electric Boogaloo
  • Kaci and Evan: Let the video below tell you what I think:

While I’m super happy that Kaci is getting her comeuppance for giving Evan an ultimatum, it’s actually for the best. I mean, why spend time with the wrong person?

I can’t wait to see Kady’s reaction to John’s boob-licking. Maybe it will lead to dick-licking. Wynn can only hope.

Remember that I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Let me know what you think in the comments.

(23/69)

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Seriously, are you tweeting these at /checks schedule USA? You’re the best thing happening to that network since Aziz Ansari’s cousin Harris.

SonOfSpam

I believe Kaci has dramatically overestimated her appeal. Like, over the course of her life, in all aspects.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She seems like she’d insist that her associate’s degree in communications allows her to describe herself as “educated”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Methinks she’s gonna offer up the five hole the next time she sees him.

The five hole? Is that…the left nostril? Or is it the left ear canal? I always forget how these things are ordered.

SonOfSpam

Ok, the anatomy-knower has logged on.

1 hole – Vagina or “ax-wound” if you will
2&3 holes – Nostrils
4 hole – stoma under left armpit
5 hole – Butt or “poop chute” if you will
6 hole – stoma under right armpit (less common than 4 hole)
7&8 holes – ear canals
9&10 holes – ear lobes (earrings/plugs should be removed first)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You completely forgot the sister.

Game Time Decision

what about the belly button?
-B Farve

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ian Scott McCormick

I really think we’re a year or two away from Cuck Cove.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Has this idea been pitched? Edward II and Isabella did a great job on the first show.

Sharkbait

No way Fox doesn’t pick that up.