The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email [email protected]. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

The mailbag was off last week because last week sucked. The good news was that there were no letters that went unanswered. The bad news was that there were no letters.

Come on, people, I know you have problems, and some of you even want solutions to those problems. Post questions below, email [email protected], throw them on the DFO twitter, whatever it takes to provide grist for the mill.  In the meantime, I’ll press onward to bring my own unqualified brand of insight to questions from around the interwebz.

But first, brief reflections on the Superb Owl: it also sucked. As was covered by our not-so-hungry Hippo, Goff was abysmal, and Andy Reid deserves significant blame for failing to give us the matchup we deserved rather than the football equivalent of him vs all you can eat pie: No Contest. On the former point, though, if all it takes to throw you off your game is switching defensive looks before and after the voice in your head goes away, you are even dumber than we already thought. And you are not a Superb Owl winning quarterback. So, I guess we’re on to the AAFL (which was very not bad in week one) as our football-like substitute to supplement Aussie Football until NFL comes back. Though we still have offseason terrible decisions like the Browns signing kicky running back Kareem Hunt despite having a perfectly good Chubb in their pocket already.

Let’s delve right into a marital trope from Slate’s sex column—

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, together for 20. He’s a wonderful husband and father and a great match for me in many ways. I love him very much. However, our sex has always been a little less than satisfying. It’s lovely and comforting and connecting, and not infrequent, but it doesn’t get me off. In general, it’s too brief and too low-key and basic to get me to come. A lot of the time it’s enough to have so-so sex and get myself off on my own time. There are so many other things about our relationship that mesh I was OK with making great sex less of a priority. But every once in a while it would be nice for the sex to be of the superhot, primal, more intense variety.

It’s not that our sex life started out spectacular and faded; it’s always been this way. I don’t fake orgasms—I don’t know if he thinks I’m having one. It’s not something he would ever, ever talk about. He’s the type of guy who doesn’t talk about sex. Ever. It makes him uncomfortable and squeamish—it’s just his personality, plus how he was raised (and kind of the way I was raised as well). And at this point, it’s been this way so long it seems impossible to bring up. I don’t want to make him feel bad or inadequate, and the idea of bringing up a subject we haven’t talked about for 20 years is deeply uncomfortable. Is this the way things are always going to be? Is there anything I can do? How do you get out of a 20-year rut?

—Not Finished

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Look, if you can’t please someone after 20 years, the only rational thing to do is repeating whatever it is you’ve done to get there. I mean, no one has filed for divorce yet, so why change things up? Just stick to the formula where someone overpromises, underdelivers, takes advantage of your loyalty, and leaves you feeling unfulfilled. Even better if you can take advantage of them financially. It’s worked for me, and I’m a model NFL owner beloved by all.

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Unlike Snyder, Rich Juzwiak, Slate’s sex advice columnist, advocates changing things up and, you know, fucking talking about fucking. As I noted in my inaugural advice column and virtually every installment thereafter, communication is so integral. If you’re not talking to your partner, they shouldn’t be your partner. And if you’re not happy with your sex life, you have got to talk about it. In fact, let’s pull that video out from the link above (don’t be shy about clicking the links, folks):

First of all, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a shockingly deep (and funny) show. The point here is that this minor character is bragging about his sex life with his wife without realizing that he has never once given her an orgasm. She’s never said anything, they just have sex, he finishes, and she goes to the bathroom to “brush her teeth.” As noted above, fairly tropish. BUT what happens next? (After somebody fixes the cable), they TALK about their sex life, the lines of communication are thrust open, they re-connect, and their marriage and sex life improve.

That’s not to say that Not Finished will suddenly have toe-curling sex after one conversation with her hubby. In fact, it’s possible he will be hurt and it will take time for them to be able to talk openly and non-judgmentally about ANYTHING, let alone how their sex life. He may feel attacked and wonder if their entire marriage is a lie. They key is to be as supportive and direct as possible, re-assuring each other that it’s ok to express oneself and that wanting something different from your partner is not a rejection but an affirmation of intimacy. I know that sounds a little new world/namby pamby in the words of 90% of my old football coaches. But it’s the best way to connect. Worst case scenario, nothing improves, there’s some resentment for a little while, and then you go back to unrequited sexual satisfaction. Best case scenario, you guys find out you both want something different and find a way to deliver for each other and things get amazeballs. More likely something along the continuum between the two, but what the shit, be brave and tell the person who signed up to possibly wipe your ass when you’re old and feeble how you want to get fucked.

Speaking of wiping one’s ass, let’s go now to the rare non-sex letter to Dan Savage:

About twice a week, my wife gets up from the dinner table to have a shit. She won’t make the smallest effort to adjust the timing so we can finish our dinner conversation. She can’t even wait for a natural break in the conversation. She will stand up and leave the room when I am making a point. Am I rightfully upset or do I just have to get over it? When I say something, she tells me it’s unavoidable.

–Decidedly Upset Man Petitions Savage

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no, Najeh Davenport is not flying through that door. That’s an easy shot, like Najeh Davenport trying to drop a turd in a hamper. DUMPS here is obviously being overly sensitive, and the real key is that last line. If it’s unavoidable, then there’s probably something medical afoot (a-rectum?  a-colon?). If that’s the case, take her ass to whichever doctor(s) she is comfortable talking about with this and find out if she can get help. If it isn’t unavoidable, then she just doesn’t enjoy finishing dinner with you. So, per above, fucking talk about it, but quit being a dick so she doesn’t cut the conversation so short.

Fuck it (literally), back to a sex question, this time with Dear Prudence—

Q. My boyfriend keeps waking me up to have sex: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than eight years and have two young children together. We have had our ups and downs and generally things are pretty good. We had an active sex life before having kids and now we don’t. While I’m fine with the way things are, he is not. I’m tired after working all day, taking care of the house and kids. I get that sex is important and he’s made his feelings known that he wants to have it more. Things have improved from once every few weeks to once a week. For me, that’s fine, and he is “OK” with it although I know he would be thrilled with every day. When he initiates, I try to accommodate even if I’m not feeling it because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and in the end I’m always happy I didn’t turn him down. I have told him in the not-so-recent past that I don’t like it when he wakes me up to have sex. Sleep is very valuable to me and we have other time in the evening, so why wait until I’m sleeping? He’s been good about it until recently. Last night I had taken a bunch of medicine before bed because I’m sick and had been sleeping for over two hours when he woke me up to have sex. I was so mad … but there’s a part of me that feels guilty, like I shouldn’t turn him down, so I didn’t. I know that sounds stupid to even ask it … but is it wrong of me to be pissed? Here I am, sick and exhausted knowing I have to work in the morning, and I feel bad saying no. Then I ended up being up a couple hours later with sick kids.

What did we just say about communication? What the fuck people?

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

/CELL DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Oh hell no, this is not a Peter King column. If someone is asleep, don’t have sex with them. I think the only permissible exception is when there has been a previous conversation where one partner said to the other “hey, I think it’d be awesome if you woke me up by fucking me.” And even then, if you wake up that person and say “let’s fuck,” and they say “bugger off, I’m tired and want to sleep” then a) they’re apparently British and b) you go bugger off because no one should feel bad for wanting to sleep over any other activity, even fucking.

Look, I know there will be temptation to say “what about the part in the letter where she says in the end she’s always happy that she didn’t turn him down?” To which I would say guess they should fucking talk about that to understand why she doesn’t initiate and if they get turned on differently or whatever so that no one’s guessing and no one’s feeling guilty in a mutually consenting sexual relationship. (As an aside, researchers in Canada have explored a “circular sexual response cycle” wherein desire isn’t present at the beginning but is cultivated during the sex act. That requires intimacy, vulnerability, and again communication with your sex partner).

Anyone, this is probably not as exciting ad another Darren Sharper joke, but fuck that guy, preferably without a gold jacket. Remember, if you’re fucking your spouse of 30 years or someone you met on hinge or whatever the kids are doing these days, fucking communicate what you want, assert what you don’t, and anyone who doesn’t respect your wishes is an asshole that doesn’t deserve to have sex with you.

Ok, let’s close this out with a metaphorical fucking addressed in Ask a Manager–

A few months ago we received an email from the Big Boss (head of our business unit) that we are entering a “cost cutting” exercise due to business needs and they need everyone to make efforts to ensure our costs/expenses are “as close to zero as possible.”

I’m in an internal role that doesn’t deal with contracts, purchases, software licensing, travel, etc. so there’s only a limited amount I can contribute to that cost cutting. But I’ve done what I can — e.g. I walked five miles with heavy equipment rather than take public transport which the others did. I “forgot” to claim for overtime payments that I should/could have claimed (not in U.S. so those laws don’t apply), didn’t claim mileage for driving two hours out of my way multiple times, etc. It’s galling every month the department admin sends out the emails asking for “overtime forms” and “travel expenses” and I know I have a lot I could claim and don’t.

We have to work late a couple of times a month due to client deadlines (the company usually orders food in) and I’ve gone on “hunger strike” conspicuously refusing to eat or order, and working through while others eat the company-paid pizzas, etc. (we know in advance when we’ll have to stay late – why didn’t they bring their own food?!) because I don’t believe that’s a legit business expense. I’ve tried to convince the others but without success.

I’ve now asked to reduce my retirement contributions (matched by the company) which will save them thousands a year. I’ve indicated to HR that I want to opt out of the healthcare insurance at the next renewal date.

I’ve done pretty much everything I can at this point other than asking for a pay cut (which I could — I’m senior, single and have enough money but I realize this could affect my prospects in the future) but I’m becoming more and more resentful of coworkers who haven’t even considered the things I’ve done. They still submit overtime, travel expenses, etc. At some point we all have to pull together but I feel like I’m the only one pulling…

/DOOR FLIES BACK OPEN

You’re hired! You are my new SVP for Backhoe Deployment! Let’s go sing Hail to the [REDACTED]s together and fuck up another season! Then you can pick up my dry cleaning!]

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Since I’m on a pop culture kick today, this seems apt–

You know what you owe your employer? Reasonable hours and effort. You know what your employer owes you? Wages and other compensation per the terms of any applicable agreement. Anyone asking you to duck overtime is full of shit, and frankly, your is it good for the company attitude is so over the top that I would bet this letter is from a manager who WANTS their employees to do all the things the letterwriter purports to do and wrote in the hopes it isn’t as insane and unreasonable as it sounds. But it is. No one should pass up pizza on principle, and a company that forces employees to stay through dinner should be on the hook for overtime and/or dinner as appropriate. Is it great if you care so much about what you do that you go above and beyond the call? Yes. Is it sometimes a good idea to save the company money by crashing with a friend instead of renting a hotel in an expensive city? Absolutely, I do that all the time myself. SHOULD YOU WALK CARRYING HEAVY EQUIPMENT TO SAVE BUS FARE? No fucking way, and if you think the others aren’t carrying their weight, then you are the most despised person in your office. Just like Dan Snyder.

Alright, that’s it for this week’s edition of Mouth Flies Open, the DFO advice column. Don’t forget to add your questions below or via email. Thanks for reading, ‘riting, and recognizin’.  See you around the DFO clubhouse!

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email [email protected] with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!