I believe we’re still owed a region of results before we move onto today’s portion of the bracket. Your BOLTMAN Region first round results:
16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.” BEATS 1. “[Is] there also a Cripso’s on another corner in Compton?” 21-13
And with that, Bludso’s Barbecue can rest comfortably, knowing that they are the supreme barbecue place in Compton. Even though Cripso’s never existed. This is truly a moment. And it was never really in doubt!
9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” beats 8. “Just think what Dan Snyder could do with the name ‘Redblacks.’” 18-16
5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.” beats 12. “Kicking zebras are the number one cause of Lion concussions.” 25-8
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” beats 4. “The Gang Wins a Game” 25-8
11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.” beats 6. “The closed captioning on the bar tv just implied Janay Rice was hitting in the celebrity softball game. I thought it was the other way around.” 24-13
3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” beats 14. “Wow. I always knew AJ Green would snap and attack someone. But I always thought it would be Andy Dalton or Marvin Lewis.” 23-15
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” beats 7. “if you take a bunch of tires, put them in a dumpster, and set them on fire, would you describe it as a dumpster fire or a tire fire, or should I just keep calling it the [Redacteds]?” 22-12
2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.’” beats 15. “I have picked up and put down Infinite Jest so many times that I now have tennis elbow.” 24-10
Anyway, already onto the GAMBLOR Region’s second round. So that’s nice.
Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment. Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.Vote, and listen to fast things!
Aw, hell. I ain’t going out of the 2nd Round. I’m going to go down like my opponent’s punchline.
Good god. Watching spring training baseball and they’ve got the Cardinals on and the announcer is fellating Jim Edmonds, (who to his credit seems mortified), about how he belongs in the Hall of Fame, (he doesn’t), because Harold Baines is in, (who also shouldn’t be in), and marveling at how many people have worn red to the game.
YOU’RE PLAYING THE PHILLIES, FUCKSTICK!!! THEY HAVE RED UNIFORMS TOO!!!
BFIB can eat all the dicks, except Hippo, because he’s one of the good ones, unless he has a bet on how many dicks he can eat, in which case give me the under.
Don’t forget Internet Dad and the Good Rev. Mayhem!
/they just leave me alone to fight the good fight all season BUT I’M NOT BITTER
It’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I made it to work on time and I’m not even remotely hungover. Is this what being in your 30’s is?
Wait until your 40’s.
I’m hoping our pathetic response to climate change kills me before that happens.
Please. As though we’ve had any response, even a pathetic one.
“Turn mah thermomerthingie below 78!? You crazy!? Momma’s bunions’ll freeze right off if’n the tempermature drops less’n 78!!”
/Shovels coal onto a fire started using furniture painted with lead paint.
//farts an endless stream of methane
We just sit around all month, waiting for that day we have a really good poo.
I see one of my creations has died. I feel like Tony Dungy, except less hateful.
Hang in there!
THIS JOKE SETUP I CALL IT EQUINE JASON VORHEES CAUSE ITS A DEAD HORSE THAT WONT FUCKIN DIE
“Fri-Neigh the 13th Furlong” Starring John Elway and Sarah Jessica Parker!
This 16 seed is going deep. It will be a hard one to beat. I’m getting so much pleasure from watching it destroy everything in its path.
But what it really wants to do is direct.
I think we’re all going to have to relax, see what kind of stamina it has, and then see if it can peak at the right time to really give us all the most enjoyable experience possible.
I thought the quote authors were supposed to remain anonymous! Way to tip off everyone that it was written by Rex Grossman.