What the above said, which is why this is being posted now. It’s still March! But first things first, the final results, since it is the final. Drum roll please?

That is a weak timpani solo, as when I played it it was an entire cadenza, but let’s try that again.

Your 2019 championship…

1BL. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” beats 4S. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” 33-18

So congrats to that quote, which will… I don’t know, I don’t actually have control of what goes on the banner so I can’t say what happens. But it does win the championship. And a further congratulations to the author of that quote, Sharkbait!

So that answers that question. As for the rest of the authors? Well, check below, and here’s your obligatory usage of “One Shining Moment.” Someone else can make the montage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08BvULj8nfY

BLEERGH Region

First Round

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” (Sharkbait) beats 16. “THIS GUY JULIO JONES I CALL HIM DDT BECAUSE HE IS KILLING THE EAGLES” (Mudisleblues) 26-6
9. “If Tampa Bay has any more abortions on this series of plays, they’ll have the RNC clamoring to defund them.” (LemonJello) beats 8. “Slutty Browns’ chicks are the best. But enough about Condy Rice.” (Monty this seems strange to me) 25-6
5. “Spotlight wins the Oscar for Best Picture! Way to come from behind! Which coincidentally is pretty much what Spotlight is about.” (Horatio Cornblower) beats 12. “THESE GIANTS FANS I CALL THEM PROMETHEUS BECAUSE EAGLES ARE CAUSING THEM SERIOUS LIVER DAMAGE” (Doktor Zymm) 21-10
4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.” (Redshirt) beats 13. “That Kia commercial would be a lot better if it was a disheveled-looking gerbil on the run from Richard Gere.” (Romonobyl) 17-14
6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” (Horatio) beats 11. “Alright, guys. What can we call to help the Pats get back in this? Any questions?” (DeviantBastard) 23-10
14. “The NFC East is basically if the Bears played in a division where all the other teams were the Bears.” (Cuntler) beats 3. “Wait wait wait… someone was on drugs??? AT ARIZONA STATE????” (SonOfSpam) 19-14
10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.” (BrettFavresColonoscopy) beats 7. “Maybe Chip Kelly asked for this and did not want to get fired on NFL Coaching Black Monday because, ya know…” (Fleshwound_NPC) 20-15
2. “Blax wins for creating ONE human? Well I don’t mean to brag, but I just flushed 100 million potential humans down the toilet, so where’s my award?” (Herodotus) beats 15. “Gruden sounded like the most exasperated babysitter ever when he said ‘Eli… he’s a handful.’” (entropy) 23-12

Second Round

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” (Sharkbait) beats 9. “If Tampa Bay has any more abortions on this series of plays, they’ll have the RNC clamoring to defund them.” (LemonJello) 27-10
4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.” (Redshirt) beats 5. “Spotlight wins the Oscar for Best Picture! Way to come from behind! Which coincidentally is pretty much what Spotlight is about.” (Horatio) 24-15
6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” (Horatio) beats 14. “The NFC East is basically if the Bears played in a division where all the other teams were the Bears.” (Cuntler) 28-13
10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.” (BFC) beats 2. “Blax wins for creating ONE human? Well I don’t mean to brag, but I just flushed 100 million potential humans down the toilet, so where’s my award?” (Herodotus) 23-18

Regional Semifinals

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” (Sharkbait) beats 4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.” (Redshirt) 28-7
6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” (Horatio) beats 10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.” (BFC) 18-17

BLEERGH Regional Final

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” (Sharkbait) beats 6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” (Horatio) 36-7

GAMBLOR Region

First Round

16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” (Fronkensteen) BEATS 1. “I keep waiting for one big hit that causing [sic] a player’s jersey to start flashing 12:00.” (Redshirt) 21-18
8. “My name is Bond. Denied Bond. -Paul Manafort” (Rikki-Tikki-Deadly) beats 9. “Sweden: the Dante Hicks of the World Cup” (Sharkbait) 31-10
5. “As they say in Japan, a draw is like sniffing your sister’s dirty underpants.” (King Hippo) beats 12. “This [TNF] game is the Futurama suicide booth come to life.” (Balls) 23-17
4. “Man that is messed up, and right after he [Jonathan Martin] shoots Richie Incognito, I really think we need to take his guns away from him.” (Pink Skull-Ian via Deadspin) beats 13. “Home ice is just a cocktail awaiting bourbon.” (BFC) 28-12
6. “I can’t wait for Justify to decline the upcoming invitation to the White House.” (Rikki) beats 11. “I guess on a night they were honoring Snider, the Flyers fans weren’t gonna take it anymore!” (Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show) 18-10
3. “Kennedys don’t retire, they die in office. Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?” (Brick Meathook) beats 14. “Don’t bother sucking on that pistol. It ain’t gonna get any harder.” (Scotchnaut) 19-10
7. “This Hull defense, I call them Mia Khalifa because they are letting lots of men in their backdoor to score.” (Wakezilla) beats 10. “I haven’t seen an Alonso destroy a Cassel like that since the [C]atholics reconquered Spain from the Moors.” (Dick E Phuck) 25-13
2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” (Nomonkeyfun) beats 15. “I was going to ask what’s wrong with Vikings fans, but they’re Vikings fans. It’s self-explanatory.” (Unsurprised) 33-5

Second Round

16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” (Fronk) beats 8. “My name is Bond. Denied Bond. -Paul Manafort” (Rikki) 22-21
4. “Man that is messed up, and right after he [Jonathan Martin] shoots Richie Incognito, I really think we need to take his guns away from him.” (Ian) beats 5. “As they say in Japan, a draw is like sniffing your sister’s dirty underpants.” (Hippo) 25-18
3. “Kennedys don’t retire, they die in office. Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?” (Brick) beats 6. “I can’t wait for Justify to decline the upcoming invitation to the White House.” (Rikki) 24-12
2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” (Nomonkeyfun) beats 7. “This Hull defense, I call them Mia Khalifa because they are letting lots of men in their backdoor to score.” (Wakezilla) 22-13

Regional Semifinals

16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” (Fronk) beats 4. “Man that is messed up, and right after he [Jonathan Martin] shoots Richie Incognito, I really think we need to take his guns away from him.” (Ian) 17-16
2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” (Nomonkeyfun) beats 3. “Kennedys don’t retire, they die in office. Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?” (Brick) 17-16

GAMBLOR Regional Final

2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” (Nomonkeyfun) beats 16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” (Fronk) 25-18

SHAN’KHOR Region

First Round

1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine…” (BrettFavresColonoscopy) beats 16. “THIS (PATRIOTS) GAME I CALL ROGUE ONE BECAUSE WE ALL WATCHED IT AND WE KNEW HOW IT WAS GOING TO END” (Gatoraids) 21-15
9. “I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.” (Herodotus) beats 8. “The hand of cod!” (Spur) 22-14
12. “Ok, I’m embarrassed. This whole time I thought ‘calamistrum’ was a thing I was supposed to do for my wife on our anniversary but I was too tired and she was kinda pissed.” (SonOfSpam) beats 5. “I’m in a red state. Memorial Day Protip: Be white in a red state and you’ll never feel blue.” (Blaxabbath) 19-18
4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” (Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show) beats 13. “It’s 91 here but it feels like 104. I am jerking off to women’s water polo, but mostly for the pool.” (Horatio Cornblower) 24-14
6. “Hey England, just like went Dad went out for smokes, the World Cup ain’t coming home.” (Litre_Cola) beats 11. “Bud Light is to beer what The Eagles are to music.” (Monty this seems strange to me) 26-14
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” (Brick Meathook) beats 3. “THAT HAIL MARY PLAY I CALL IT THE DENTIST BECAUSE IT KILLED SOME LIONS FROM EXTREME LONG RANGE.” (Mike WallaceandGromit) 21-20
7. “For driving through Arizona that quickly, Sheriff Joe Arpaio just asked to see Jimmy Garoppalo’s papers.” (Buddy) beats 10. “That’s true. If something were to happen to Winston, he’d pretty much be asking for it, standing there so provocatively in the pocket late in a bad game.” (Dunstan) 22-13
2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” (Horatio) beats 15. “So both teams just forfeited to the Behr’s?” (John DiFool) 28-7

Second Round

1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine…” (BFC) beats 9. “I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.” (Herodotus) 21-17
4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” (Buddy) beats 12. “Ok, I’m embarrassed. This whole time I thought ‘calamistrum’ was a thing I was supposed to do for my wife on our anniversary but I was too tired and she was kinda pissed.” (SonOfSpam) 25-12
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” (Brick) beats 6. “Hey England, just like went Dad went out for smokes, the World Cup ain’t coming home.” (Litre) 18-17
2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” (Horatio) beats 7. “For driving through Arizona that quickly, Sheriff Joe Arpaio just asked to see Jimmy Garoppalo’s papers.” (Buddy) 26-10

Regional Semifinals

4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” (Buddy) beats 1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine…” (BFC) 25-22
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” (Brick) beats 2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” (Horatio) 25-21

SHAN’KHOR Regional Final

4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” (Buddy) beats 14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” (Brick) 26-19

BOLTMAN Region

First Round

16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.” (Porky Prime) BEATS 1. “[Is] there also a Cripso’s on another corner in Compton?” (Spanky Datass) 21-13
9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” (SonOfSpam) beats 8. “Just think what Dan Snyder could do with the name ‘Redblacks.’” (JJFozz) 18-16
5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.” (Redshirt) beats 12. “Kicking zebras are the number one cause of Lion concussions.” (Scotchnaut) 25-8
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” (Sharkbait) beats 4. “The Gang Wins a Game” (Mr. Ayo) 25-8
11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.” (Horatio Cornblower) beats 6. “The closed captioning on the bar tv just implied Janay Rice was hitting in the celebrity softball game. I thought it was the other way around.” (BrettFavresColonoscopy) 24-13
3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” (JerBear) beats 14. “Wow. I always knew AJ Green would snap and attack someone. But I always thought it would be Andy Dalton or Marvin Lewis.” (Redshirt) 23-15
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” (LemonJello) beats 7. “if you take a bunch of tires, put them in a dumpster, and set them on fire, would you describe it as a dumpster fire or a tire fire, or should I just keep calling it the [Redacteds]?” (Doktor Zymm) 22-12
2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.’” (Old School Zero) beats 15. “I have picked up and put down Infinite Jest so many times that I now have tennis elbow.” (JJFozz) 24-10

Second Round

9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” (Spam) beats 16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.” (Porky) 27-9
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” (Sharkbait) beats 5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.” (Redshirt) 26-9
3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” (JerBear) beats 11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.” (Horatio) 18-14
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” (LemonJello) beats 2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.’” (OSZ) 22-10

Regional Semifinals

13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” (Sharkbait) beats 9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” (Spam) 31-12
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” (LemonJello) beats 3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” (JerBear) 32-11

BOLTMAN Regional Final

13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” (Sharkbait) beats 10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” (LemonJello) 24-21

Tournament Semifinal

1BL. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” (Sharkbait) beats 2G. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” (Nomonkeyfun) 32-13

4S. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” (Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show) beats 13BO. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” (Sharkbait) 26-19

Tournament Grand Final

1BL. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” (Sharkbait) beats 4S. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” (Buddy) 33-18

So Sharkbait wins it all with the #1 overall seed, and actually had a chance to have BOTH entries in the championship as he had a double dip in the Penultimate Four with the Saudi 9/11 joke which fell to Buddy’s Paterno quote. Below is the master hard copy, complete with little notes of what day to look for early-round results (so I didn’t have to search), the seeding of the 1-seeds (so I could actually follow the S-curve, which only moved a couple things around in order to prevent potential early-round commentist vs. self match-ups—the rule was that it wasn’t allowed until the Ice Milk Eight), which actually did influence what region they were in (Aaron Hernandez gets the BLEERGH because the P*ts, Cripso’s got the BOLTMAN due to location, BFC’s tome got SHAN’KHOR because of the fact it involved kicking, and then GAMBLOR was the remaining one, and I guess neon talons and LED lights?), and where I stole this template from!

And with that, the tournament officially concludes and we can go back to our lives.

I’ve got a backlog of House of Pain posts before the expo in a couple weeks, so you’ll be hearing from me soon. As for this, feel free to say how much this concept sucked/didn’t suck, bitch/gloat about how you did in the tournament now that we know whose is whose, and anything else. If we happen to do this again next year, and you have your own screencapped banners (probably from your own triumphs), please let me know so I can give you my email to send them to me, and they will be entered into the pool along with the banner comments starting this past August 1st.

I can now go to sleep, so this is Senor Weaselo signing off from the first [DFO] Banner Tournament. Thank you everyone for being really goddamn funny and keep it up, thank you for voting, and good night.