Your “Put Out To Pasture” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL News:

  • Everyone sounds surprised that Odell Beckham Jr. showed up for Browns OTAs.
    • Freddie Kitchens ain’t care:
      • “There’s no problem with Odell not being here,” Kitchens said after the NFL Draft [in reference to team voluntary workouts]. “I’d rather him be here. He’s not here. It’s voluntary. That’s what the word voluntary means. He can decide to come or he can’t.”
        • When reached for comment, Jags executive consultant Tom Coughlin had this to say:

  • Joe Flacco ain’t got time for no kids and their learnin’!
    • He said he’s still learning a new offence, so he doesn’t have time to mentor Broncos rookie QB Drew Lock:
      • “I’m not worried about developing guys or any of that. That is what it is. I hope he does it well. I don’t look at that as my job. My job is to go win football games for this football team.”
  • Dion Jordan is facing a 10-game suspension for a positive Adderall test.
    • It would be his second drug-related suspension, which is why the 10-games.
      • His previous suspension was for the entire 2015 season.
      • Fun fact: under the NFL’s drug policy, Adderall is considered a PED during the season, and an abuse drug in the offseason.
    • He did have an exemption because of his ADHD, but he didn’t get the exemption renewed before he resumed taking the pills.
  • The highest selected QB from the 2013 Draft class has retired.
    • Know who that was?
      • EJ Manuel, who only started 17 games in four seasons with the Bills.
    • He spent 2017 with the Raiders, and was nowhere in 2018.
      • He had been signed by the Chiefs to compete for the backup position.
    • Other QBs “of note” from that draft year? Of the 11 drafted, here’s who is still active in the league:
      • Geno Smith – by the Jets; currently with the Seahawks
      • Mike Glennon – by the Bucs; currently with the Raiders
      • Matt Barkely – by the Eagles; currently with the Bills
      • Landry Jones – by the Steelers; currently with the Raiders

Folks of a certain age will pour one out tonight for Dorf actor & Spongebob Squarepants star Tim Conway, who died today at the age of 85.

  • Dorf was the stupidest goddamned thing imaginable, yet my parents found the whole deal hilarious.
    • I feel fairly certain that most people my grandparent’s age had “Dorf on Golf” on VHS. He made 8 Dorf videos in total, and they can all be found on one DVD set.
    • Sales figures from an old copy of Billboard I found estimate that he’d sold over 500,000 copies of “Dorf on Golf”, and another story notes sales of over 350,000 copies of “Dorf Goes Fishing”.
      • At $19.95 + shipping (in 1980s dollars), he didn’t seem to be hurting for cash. Celebritynetworth.com had him pegged at worth $15 million, with residuals & voice work still bringing in fresh cash.

   

  • The voice of Barnacle Boy, he will be remembered by the post-pubescent set as a master of sketch comedy from “The Carol Burnett Show”.
    • The best two examples of which are provided below for your amusement.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Hurricanes – 8:00PM | NBCSN / CBC / Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • Draft lottery – 8:30PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Trail Blazers at Warriors – 9:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Rockies at Red Sox – 7:10PM | MLBN
    • Blue Jays at Giants – 9:30PM | Sportsnet1
  • NCAA:
    • College Baseball: Louisville at Indiana – 7:00PM | ESPNU
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown Live (on tape-delay from London) – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Adam Silver doesn’t seem like the draft-rigging type. Still, it is the 35th anniversary of the Patrick Ewing draft, so if the Knicks win tonight, expect the conspiracies to start raging. So, I’ll just say “Fuck off, Barstool!” right now.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Rikki-Tikki-DeadlyUnsurprisedtheeWeeBabySeamusMoose -The End Is Well NighMr. Ayo Recent comment authors
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theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He’d have made a great Bernie Sanders

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Omg. I’ve never seen either break on screen before. That was so fucking funny.

Also, now I know where Al Franken got his general acting Schtick from.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Two guys ahead of their time. They’d have the biggest podcast or YouTube channel or twitch stream or all three in the world.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Oh cool…Lakers get four.

“Lucky.”
– B. Favre

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

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Fronkenshteen

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Kitteh!

Fronkenshteen

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blaxabbath

See? I bet EJ could have been a pro QB if drafted to a good franchise.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

blaxabbath

While possibly not the funniest (see: Thug Life Dog), the best meme currently in circulation is Big Enough.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Heather Graham is insanely hot; hotter in Austin Powers 2 than in Boogie Nights.

Fronkenshteen

Her cameo on Arrested Development was nice, too.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I prefer Charlize Theron, but that’s because I love Charlize Theron more than most people I actually know.

blaxabbath

She is someone I strictly like as an actress because of her looks. In reality, it’s only because she’s an 11 that she can perform roles that would sink a 10 — And we’d smile and tell ourselves “that was fun.”

Fronkenshteen

Just marinating in beer and SCTV reruns on teh YouTubes. Aaaaahhhh….

WCS

My dad and I still make this reference every now and again.

Fronkenshteen

Andrea Martin might be the most unheralded comic genius ever.

Don T

How about Moranis? He did it all! Impressions, nerds, douchebags, slimy guys, GWN, and this

Fronkenshteen

I just saw him do his Phil Silvers. You’re so right. Genius.

“WHADDYA GONNA WATCH RERUNS OF THE FONZIE?!?!”

Don T

The skit with Al Green? Oh yeah. “Now he’s gagging!” 🤣🤣

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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WCS

WHO’S A GOOD DUCKY? YOU’RE A GOOD DUCKY, YES YOU ARE!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I hope I don’t lose too much height as I get older. I have a 91-92 yo neighbor who’s about my height, so that’s encouraging. OTOH, my grandfather shrank a lot when he got old (my medical destiny is dark as fuck). Only being one standard deviation from normal American male height is bad enough. If I fall below six feet, I may have to start shooting the shins off everyone taller.

Senor Weaselo

Ah, the ol’ reverse Cotton Hill.

WCS

Will Unsurprised kill fitty men?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I want to see Hippo’s analysis of the betting odds.

WCS

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Hey, an upskirt is an upskirt.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

One of these days I should try drugs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I need to retreat to a happy place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oop, found it.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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It was more difficult at the Broncos’ OTAs.

Senor Weaselo

That kid has to go in the port-a-potty now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Throwing in the shit tank is a bit drastic for CTE, but I’m OK with it.

Sharkbait

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AFV is probably where they got the idea for the skit. Either that or Welker.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Keep your left tit warm, people.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Ugh. I overate again. Genius move.

WCS

Dirt Stillers are having a Stranger Things night next month.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Holy shit. How have I never seen this before?

rockingdog
rockingdog

classic eric andre

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Some people ’round these parts have an irrational hatred of that show.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Halftime Jam

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Speaking of shootouts, I’m watching The Matrix. It still holds up pretty well.

rockingdog
rockingdog

last funny:
her: i think we should break up, you’re obsessed with Jimmy Eat World

me: …

her: are you listening?

me: [sniffs] whooooooa

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sharkbait

Well, if this holds, We can look forward to the Ice Patriots getting swept in the final

Senor Weaselo

Yeah, but then they still get hardware and a banner.

Sharkbait

We both know that hardware and banner is still no consolation.

Obligatory “Fuck the Kings”

WCS

If they do get to the Final, we need a 100th anniversary of the Spanish flu to cancel the series.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Hurricants finally score, only down 2-1

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Dammit Ice Panthers. Stop sucking.

Senor Weaselo

Or at least start maiming.

herodotus450
herodotus450

If anyone named Charlie makes it out of this series for Boston alive, I say we give Carolina a taste of their own Secession medicine.

LemonJello
LemonJello

That intermission interview with Luke Kuechly could be Exhibit #1 in the next CTE litigation against the NFL.

Ian Scott McCormick

From the Knicks open thread:
“This is so scripted. Absolutely ridiculous.”
Oh for sure. There’s nothing the NBA wanted more than having a super prospect going to New Orleans instead of New York.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

That depends. Is the script a comedy?

Ian Scott McCormick

I’m laughing.

rockingdog
rockingdog

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

JFC
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Senor Weaselo

Spy vs. Spy—Spy vs. Spy.

litre_cola

The shootout in Heat

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Hall of Fame first ballot.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

litre_cola

Thank you sir.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Captain Marvel was garbage.

Senor Weaselo

I don’t know, the Brie Larson/de-aged Samuel L. Jackson buddy cop film was fun.

Ian Scott McCormick

Having a GoT fight and not including the #cleganebowl is just obnoxious.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Democrats are exactly stupid enough to nominate the only person more brain damaged than Trump.

In New Hampshire, Joe Biden predicts that once President Trump is out of office, Republicans will have “an epiphany” and work with Democrats toward consensus.

— Sahil Kapur (@sahilkapur) May 14, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I struggle with deciding Biden believes that or if he’s just catering the 50+ folks who want things to be “normal” again, but this a good time to remind people Biden would be EIGHTY-TWO if he won and finished his term.

Ian Scott McCormick

Bad Idea Jeans

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Bad Idea Depends

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He deserved that.

rockingdog
rockingdog

lets do thiscomment image

Ian Scott McCormick

Bro, I heard you like warmup gear, so I put warmup gear underneath your warmup gear.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Gonna try to stay up a little bit to watch warriors vs blazers game 1
also Padres game tonight vs rival Dodgers.
Nice!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Pads winning two in Chavez would be exactly what I need this week. Well that, and another beer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was at that game! It was actually a hell of a fun game.

Ian Scott McCormick

Nightmare scenario for Knick fans. Lost Zion and Ja, and it probably got harder to get AD.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Since he’s an Arizona Republican and the current state AG, I want to see him and Steven Segal fight for the office. Because fuck everything.comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You ever see a fat man with nunchucks, you run, because he won’t be able to catch you.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

DFO’s Laws of Combat #69

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Last time I strangl……. no nothing happened.

Senor Weaselo

I guess the Knicks aren’t going to trade the #1 pick to New Orleans for Anthony Davis…

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The Knicks front office is so stupid they probably traded for Jim Davis.

Ian Scott McCormick

Dude won’t even play on Mondays.

Senor Weaselo

It’s the Knicks, so they traded for (past-his-prime) Scott Adams.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh, of course Jared Harris is Richard Harris’s son. Now I wish ol’ Dick played Lane’s pissed-off father on Mad Men.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“THIS GUY TUUKKA RASK, I CALL AN IUD BECAUSE NOBODY IS SCORING WHILE HE’S IN POSITION!”

Senor Weaselo

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy… reunite 🙁

Senor Weaselo

Hope the lottery gets dunked on by Patrick Chewing, but let’s be real… the Knicks will get the 5th pick because that’s the lowest they can get and they’re the Knicks.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That sounds like a Mitch Hedberg joke. Dumb and yet amazingly insightful.

scotchnaut

/me, complaining about my 16 year-old breaking my phone charger and losing my debit card

21 year-old Office Clerk: “Really, some of the kids these days!”

Me: “…”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Time for someone to join the hobos at the bottom of the lake.

Ian Scott McCormick

And now, my conversation at work with a Knicks fan, in anticipation of the Draft Lottery:
(Him) They had better get one of the top three picks.
(Me) Well, there’s only a 40% chance of that happening.
(Him) That doesn’t mean anything.
(Me) Yes. Yes it does. It means they have a 40% chance of that happening.
(Him) They’re either going to get it or they won’t.
(Me) BE THAT AS IT MAY, THAT’S NOT HOW ODDS WORK, BRO.
I have to be careful with how I talk to him about this, because there is a decent chance they do land in the top three and then I get to hear about how odds are meaningless.

herodotus450
herodotus450

You either have to talk to him again tomorrow or you don’t, it’s 50-50.

Ian Scott McCormick

Well, he technically got his wish. They are picking 3. It’s not what I’d throw a season in the trash for, but what do I know?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

More than the Knicks brass.

ballsofsteelandfury

Tim Conway was a national treasure.

scotchnaut

“I’ve done the research. No, he wasn’t.”

-Nick Cage

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

I just wish he and Harvey Korman had kept on doing comedy skits after the Carol Burnett show. I would have watched the hell out of that. Shit, just have him and Korman sit around and try to one up each other with jokes or tall-tales.