Hello to my favorite gosh-darned people on the internet from your old pal, Internet Dad. I’m wandering in tonight as a last minute replacement for our usual bunch of slapdicks, so let’s really let loose. It’s weekend custody Dad tonight, so get ready to eat a cold can of chili over the sink and have some odd conversations with my new girfriend Shanice. She’s a sweet girl really, don’t mind the tattoos and don’t tell your mother she smokes in the house.
Anyhoo, HOW ABOUT THOSE CARDINALS! Getting hot at the weirdest time of the year, right before the trade deadline, ready to add some payroll to the most locked up lineup in baseball.
Paul Goldschmidt looks like Paul Goldschmidt, Paul DeJong is flat raking, and Matt Carpenter’s voodoo cursed corpse is nowhere to be found. Seriously, that dude has fouled approximately 1,400 balls off of his foot this season. VOODOO!
Regardless (Irregardless? I never know) of that, let’s talk about some other stuff on tonight. As you know, it’s getaway day across the majors, so tonight’s entertainment will likely be a couple of games.
You’re looking at a slate of: (All Times DFO Local)
Yankees at Red Sox (makes wanking motion with both hands) 6:10
Twins at White Sox 7:10
Indians at Royals 7:15
Rangers at Athletics 9:07 (Just, why)
and for the true masochist
Orioles at Angels 9:07 (also, WHY)
Enjoy tonight’s, um, sports?
You can also do what I’ve done all summer, which is watch the fantastic game shows ABC has all summer. I’m hooked on Card Sharks, hosted by my spirit animal, Joel McHale. Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski is partial to Press Your Luck, but the real killer is Holey Moley. For the uninitiated, it’s mini golf with obstacle courses and Rob Riggle announcing.
I know some of you soured on Rob during his pregame skits, but I love the guy.
Anyhoo, be nice, play well with others, keep the gifs sfw MOOSE and it’s OPEN THREAD O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jb4prVsXkZU
If I was a storm watching motherfucker I would warn you about Sunday Gravy this week.
A storms a’brewin and I have nothing to do with it.
You shall reap the whirlwind!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5nEeHGWi6o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHum4v-0res
Which is why the USAF has been trying to kill it since Panama.
Yup. JSF is…well…never mind.
Good to see you Dad.
Now about your baseball team.
I picked up Greek food tonight (not a euphemism) and when I walked in the two TVs were playing the Dodgers vs the Nats and I was thoroughly confused.
Please elaborate on your order.
I fucking love Greek!
Mixed it up this time, but we shared falafel, salmon kebabs, and some interesting stuffed peppers. Plus hummus and tzatziki, obviously.
Goddammit I need to make falafel. Never have but it’s so damn good.
It’s fried hummus! I make hummus! How hard can it be?
/Jots down notes
Racism wins again.
*Not this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkcbxjWG9Mc
My ineptitude forced Internet Dad to come back. For that I must beg forgiveness.
But at least there are presents.
https://www.metatube.com/en/videos/424170/SNL-Dad-Christmas/
DAD CAME BACK!?!??!
How come you didn’t bring back cigarettes?
Say hello to your new mom.
Get out the rye bread and mustard! It’s a grand salami!
#HAILGAMBLOR!! Frnch Ligue 2 returns manana!
Also thrilled to see the WYTS series is back which means we’re a mere six weeks or so from the return our annual 17-week self-flagellation ritual!
I don’t even have any hopeful/delusional precictions. Fightin’ Tomsulas win NFC West over RRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! – but the P*ts will waltz to the Superb Owl, and win it again.
Odd year random NFC team wins.
Not mine.
Probably the Saints again.
Browns and Colts are over futures betted.
It was fun watching Treme with DJ Taj and telling him that his victory over the Vikings in the 2009 NFC Championship smelled of corruption.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woZwzRSI15w
Tomsulas aren’t doing crap. Caroppolo will see to that.
Dude. Ms. Garofolo is out to make sure history is HERstory, too.
lmao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcWi_gyG1gU
Can’t wait for the Aaron Rodgers version:
“Come to Wisconsin, where people treat you like family. I mean, not my family, but a family that isn’t total shit.”
Nice to see you, Internet Dad. I need money for baseball cards. You can have the gum.
It’s weird how less agonizing it is and how much less full of shit I feel ever since I got back from L.A. and then I met with this recruiter. Life seems good.
Spectacular!
There’s some life affirming shit here my brother.
Hell, I’ll buy the next round and throw down some serious food action.
You’re always welcome in LA.
I want to be back for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Probably Christmas. I’d like my brother to come up here and have Thanksgiving with a friend of mine. I’m just trying to make it happen.
Same with going to Spain. We talked about going in 2017. Now it’s going to be fall 2020, but that’s okay. 20 year anniversary of my year abroad seems fitting.
Someone on Twitter did a tier-ranking of MLB fandoms putting the Cardinals on a “neutral” tier and the Cubs on a “chill” tier and I about lost my mind over how wrong those placements are.
ahem, wut part of BEST did he not understand smh
“Chill” is the tier that a Cardinals fan would choose because they believe themselves to be on the “elite” tier but believe that it’s too immodest to say that so they opt for “chill” instead.
The correct answer however was not one of the tiers available: sanctimonious.
And if you think I’m biased, know that I was furious about the Cubs placement because we clearly belonged on the “toxic” tier.
Of course. Familiarity breeds contempt.
the sanctimony is teh joke!
/or IS IT???
Yankees beat the Doyers in 5.
Pay my bookie!
I wouldn’t call myself a fan of steampunk but I will say it’s the healthiest way to prepare punk.
ppl forget that!!
Of the two props in this photo, I prefer the one with the tits.
Floor pie is not to be trifled with.
found a funny:
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Imagine if the #BFIB would actually play their best players!
That’s one big merkin.
It’s from Portland.
I have the toddler this weekend. Taking wife to the airport in the morning, baby to daycare, then I get off and we’re both just trying to stay alive until Monday night.
It’s gonna be ugly.
Been there, carry bananas. Everything can be solved with a banana.
Especially concerning tailpipes.
After the airport, then to the fire station.
“I aspire to write as infrequently as this DTZM fella.”
-George R.R. Martin
I hope he never finishes ASOIAF. He deserves the break.
I hope he never finishes and tells everyone it’s D&D’s fault cause they ruined everything.
/even though we all know the truth is that he’s too lazy.
Or, he never finishes and says it’s because D&D did such an awesome job, he can’t improve on it one bit. That would be some epic trolling.
He’s not lazy. He’s a staggering perfectionist. However, he’s worked his entire life and is finally being rewarded handsomely for it, and while I’m sure he’s more intent on finishing those books than anyone on Earth is on reading them, that he also deserves to spend his time doing anything else now that he can.
I remember a ‘not so long ago’ Unsurprised that would have automatically torn to shreds RTD’s comment. I really like where you’re headed buddy.
I’m in fat company.
Oh crap, it’s DTZM! Everybody, quick, put away all these porn banner ads and shove those bitcoin mining scripts under the carpet!
Are we still down for whatever?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T44yl-LMSU
We surgically removed “No” from our vocabulary, so that’s at least something
Can we still post our tentacle porn?
Yes, but you’ll need to send it directly to me first, for verification.
Hey, I’m more of a cool dad with intermittent responsibilities now.