Hi, I’m Tom Brady. You may remember me from giving your asshole acquaintances from Boston an undeserved sense of accomplishment for the last 18 years.

People ask me, “How could you, a man generally considered bright enough to tie his own shoelaces without drooling on himself overmuch, decide that it was a good idea to risk the life and safety of your six year-old daughter (not to mention your own paralysis) by jumping off a fucking cliff?”  Well friends, let me let you in on a little secret- Little Bailey Rae Cassiopeia was never in any danger, because she’s been raised the TB12Tot way!

I’m here today to introduce the world to TB12Tots, my new line of books, pamphlets, foods, videos, cosmetics, deionized ion water, electromagnetic socks and premium concierge services. Developed with my good friend Alex Guerrero in his Super Advanced MegaRad Research Laboratory

TB12Tots is guaranteed to make your kids nigh invulnerable!

That’s right, preventing sunburn and skin cancer by drinking water was just the tip of the iceberg. By drinking 12 of our special yttrium-açaí  smoothies a day, sleeping in the TB12 Junior Hypobaric Chamber and reciting the Sacred Texts at carefully prescribed intervals throughout the day and night, your youngster will become impervious to all manner of ills. Coughs, colds, acne, arm cancer, whooping cough, liver flukes, cancer, leprosy, nailguns, genital warts, Cotard’s Delusion, anal glaucoma- all a thing of the past! Even larger traumas like clipping a cliffside and tumbling head-first into water of unknown depth can be safely ignored when your kid has the proper 83/17 balance of alkaline and acidic foods!

“But Tom,” you say, “will this work for us, even if we don’t have a public net worth north of $500 million, an unknown amount of ‘deferred compensation’ in a secret bank account and a direct line to the festering pit of hatred and incompetence that is the Oval Office?” Well yes, it works for all kids!  Whether they’re your children, grandchildren, nieces, younger cousins or the result of a previous relationship you bailed on during pregnancy in order to hook up with your current supermodel wife, they can benefit from the TB12Tot program.

But what if  you’re too busy jetting off to an undisclosed “health spa” to get juiced to the gills with the latest designer steroids and recombinant canid growth hormones and your full-time nannies refuse to put your child in the TB12Tot Designer Vibrating Heat Bead Suit for the prescribed 15 hours per day because it’s “too dangerous” and “blatant child abuse”? Well then you’re in luck- just sign your little darling up for the TB12Tot Great Big Fun Summer Reeducation Camp experience! Our  responsible counselors

will make sure that everything is taken care of, from the daily caning to the concentrated-squid-extract baths.

Call now, and “Dr.” Guerrero will throw in a free case of NeuroSafe, the water that’s a “seatbelt for your brain” to prevent and heal concussions. Just ask Wes Welker, its biggest fan!

I’ve been blessed with so much, from a great arm to lukewarm handsomeness, strikingly favorable officiating and realtime access to opposing teams’ defensive playcalls. Now it’s time for me to give back by sharing the secrets that have made my children the indestructible übermenschen conquerors of the future. Call now, or visit our website at www.tombradyissuchafuckingfraud.org

NOTICE: These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products and services are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, despite openly stating that that is exactly what they are intended to do. Orrin Hatch deserve a special place in hell for championing a law that allows “supplement” companies to get away with claiming to treat any fucking thing without FDA oversight as long as they include the “magic words” on their labels.  Seriously, it’s like that South Park hunting shit, where you can kill anything as long as you yell “It’s coming right for us!” before you shoot. It’s a $40 billion a year business that legitimately kills people with deadly products and false hope.

Also: Foxborough delenda est.