This is usually the time when some sort of ‘dress rehearsal’ for the regular season takes place with all the stars muddying their unis for the first time. But lo! Some teams have re-thunk this thinking and many of the precious ones will not “have at it”, which kinda makes sense to me. I read somewhere that Coach Nagy ran all his starters against one another in a game simulation and implemented all the new plays that he wouldn’t otherwise reveal (in order to judge their effectiveness) until the regular season began. He then plays the seconds and thirds in the ‘real’ exhibition games so that he has a longer look at the depth at each position. Seems like a smart thing to do…
Updates:
-Zeke has reportedly wandered back Mexico way, making him cerveza non grata in Cowboyland.
-Pats lb Patty Chung got caught with the coke so he’s gone for awhile. Given the recent news regarding Josh Gordon, the Pats understanding of FIFO inventory management is seriously flawed.
TO THE GAMES!
Jizziants/Cincy:
The Bengali’s have only 6 player rejects from their buddies in New York. They consist of 2 castaway O-lineman, 2 cb’s that couldn’t cut it, a D-line depth fella and something called “Hunter Sharpe”. Good Luvin’! Player to watch for the Jizzers is 5th round pick rook lb Ryan Connelly. Described recently as “smart and tough”, which is code for ‘pallid dude from Wisconsin’, he’s actually a bit of a speedster. Think deep-discount Luke Kuechly
Bal/Phi:
Reports out of Ravens camp declare that te Mark Andrews will end up being the most likely target to have the ball sail over his head in the red zone this season.
Car/Pats:
Pants wr Curtis Samuel is among the league leaders in ‘yards cushioned by cb’s at 6.7. Stick that up your WAR!
Wash/ATL:
Prediction: Brian Hill will supplant Ito Smith as the #2 rb. Draft accordingly.
Jax/Mia:
Jags fans are dreading the day when their rb Fournette will be forced to miss a game because he had a nightmare that ‘really stuck with me’.
GB/Raiders:
You guys don’t seriously think that Antonio is going to replicate his previous success with Derek Carr behind center, right? The latter’s inadequacy was one of the reasons that Amari Cooper was chased out of town just…last…year.
Whoa! These hot takes really take the wind out of me. Do you have one? Share below.
one more drink!
this is almost as big a lie as one more line!
/although eventually everyone hits their daily ATM limit
i only need one line to fuck and one line to feel
I’m watching a pre-season Raiders game on a 80-yard field in an empty stadium in Canada with a lesbian announcer.
It’s like watching the WNBA.
Thanks for fucking up, Dirt Donks. It’s FOAR teh GREATER GOOD
Damn it. At least they could ruin it for someone else.
lol they cancelled the 4th qtr of Eagles-Ravens
Lousy ratings?
I am wondering how it used to be that I kind of paid attention to pre-season fitbaw
That invisible man looks a helluva lot like Claude Rains.
What the hell is going on in Winnipeg? That’s a pro field, how on earth is that field in such bad shape that they’re playing 80 yards? Anyone got a reason to what went down there?
Also, lol at the NFL thinking a small market like Winnipeg could handle those ticket prices.
What the hell is going on in Winnipeg? – They’re putting their milk in bags?
The goal posts had to be moved back and the patches were inadeqUate.
“You cannot vote for your comment” bunch of BS
Couldn’t agree more. We must riot.
2 b sew underappreciated n 1’s own time
And I can’t jerk off in front of a mirror. We should form some sort of self-help group, you and I.
Lately I’ve been playing loud obnoxious music at red lights. My Q60 is not excepted. If i get looks, i yell FUCK TRUMP! You wave your loser flag, i play Mexican pop music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMrJrxhZnhg
It’s replace your roof season here; all you hear is fine Mexican pop music.
….and nail guns.
So. Very. Fecund.
“:intellectually productive or inventive to a marked degree”?
I just ate the most awesomest nachos evar in the history of Earth.
No, you can’t have any.
“That thing Seamus does with his tongue? Amazing!”
-Juan Nachos
and then, things started to get WEIRD
Well, later anyway.
I wore a suit today and sweated my ass off just to go say goodbye to a dead person.
You think things are only just starting to get weird?
I AIN’T WORN LONG PANTS SINCE….SHIT I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
did someone Chinese make pee-pee in his Coke?
pulled chicken involved?
Yes. I’m just happy you didn’t say “choked chicken”.
It can be both.
not ok?
I see no completely bare nipples (male excluded), I see no lips, I see no erection, I only hear distant motor boat; IT’S OK!
I mean, the dishes could be cleaner…
“He’s doing his job scrubbing!!”
if its clean its cuisine
I think the NFL should be like European footy, in that some weeks everyone will play on Tuesday or Wednesday as well.
No.
also, 38-match regular season?
38 game season would be amazing for the NFL because it would reduce the time players would get in trouble.
I mean, the Union should PAY BACK some revenues out of gratitude ,, amirite?
DAMN, that was close.
THAT is an ass…
Spur is not that bad.
With a cherry on top.
We’ve found Butt Mountain.
I’m going to scale it, because it’s there.
And I presume…..(wait for it)
Plant your flag?
The Yankees have the best or second-best record in baseball and there is no chance that they will get to, let alone win, the World Series.
I can hope they die trying.
so….I just larned JV NFL starts this Saturday nite. With the always delightful UF cheerleaders!
“Old hags!”
-Ah…. which ever one of the MANY
What’s it really like to do cocaine?
this is how u noe Moose is an actual engineer, whereas I am just in remission. Could not come up with the proper phrasing, nor do I post GIFs well
That fucking pussy edited his typo.
I was clarifying my question.
What’s the crime? A Moose response that now makes no sense — this is not a new thing.
I was giving you a hard time and it was an excellent typo and now you are being a dick about it.
Also cocaine is fun as hell, a short lived high, addictive, and obviously physically and mentally damaging. What is not to love.
Doing cocaine – it’s as good as I have ever felt about myself. I was like I could sit down and write an entire novel right now.
But then it wears off. Hoooollllllyyyy shit
“That was a deep five hour conversation about nothing and it only cost us $800!”
Also the “I am SOOOOO horny right now! What do you mean my dick will not cooperate?!??!”
Jim Jeffries “the coke wank” sketch is brilliant
Cocaine is fucking awesome in the short term. All senses are heightened beyond what you can imagine-in a good way. After a while your girlfriend offers to suck some stranger’s dick so that she can get some more. #ymmv
I think I know her…..
Everybody knows her.
I did too much coke to get hard anyway.
anyone ever figure out how many dicks she would have to suck per day to keep a nice couple comfortably supplied with booger sugar? 11-12?
The strategy is sucking the RIGHT dick.
Looking at that, if he had a left dick too, you’d be on to something.
AWESOME. you got any?
Who had “Preseason Week 3” in the “Jordan Reed Injury pool”?
I just put the entire Donks roster in the injury pool.
wha happen to us??
On paper it sounds good; “Screwed for six weeks at least!”
If JJ Arcega-Fuckinglongname is actually this good, Eagles are gonna be loaded at receiver for a long time
She needs to him HEAR her.
Related:
A young office clerk wore short shorts to work today. She was not reported to our non-existent HR department.
she triggered ur safe space, eh?
Yeah. Do you know anyone that wipes down safe spaces?
I wear shorts to work and scotchnaut calls me a whore. ASS
ASS-Always Sexy Spur.
You act like that’s an insult when it is foreplay, PAL.
Did you drop your keys a lot “on accident”?
My president played golf with a client, then came directly to work in the afternoon. Stupid sexy, knock kneed, short, chubby, splotchy legs
(channels Hippo)
So the opening line of tonght’s Ravens @ Iggles game was Iggles -2. By game time, the line had shifted to Ravens -5. That’s a big move. At halftime, the Ravens are up 26-0. So the gamblors of the world are making good scratch on a preseason game.
I like pills.
(end channeling)
What happened?
nods knowingly
I can guess two things natural
Belichick interviewed on local tv feed-
Announcer: “How do you feel about your chances this year?”
Bill: “Good. How old is your mother?”
Announcer: “Huh. How do you plan to replace Gronk’s productivity?”
Bill: “Cotton panties.”
Announcer: “Interesting… Edelman. Can he continue to produce in the slot?”
Bill: “As far as karoke is concerned, ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ brings all the pussy to the yard. This interview is over.”
Announcer: [kneels] “I’m so honored.”
Folks
Sir.
Gonna switch to something more closely approaching professional football: Final Fantasy randomizer speedrun
shouldn’t “Final Fantasy” be all about whatever Michael Hutchence last was jerking it to?
Big Dick Nick throwing some murderballs around
“This guy checks out.”
-DFO Nomenclature Police
Look, can we just throw Kaepernick in McCown’s jersey and give him the money instead? I’m pretty sure even McCown would be okay with it.
The New York Football Giants everybody!
Fuck those guys. They cost us a 6 team parlay in Vegas two year ago.
[shakes fist two years ago]
-A Bunch of Drunks
You gotta love the Bengals radio guys getting used to broadcasting Bengals plays.
“Finley drops back, throw to Erickson, caught? No, dropped. He dropped it. Its fourth–he caught it? First down!”
So, in Winnipeg,
– they are playing on an 80-yard field because they can’t move the CFL goalposts
– the “Canadian” broadcast is the Raiders broadcast, so Matt Millen & Rich Gannon
– so few tickets have been sold they aren’t showing the crowd & instead just using tight shots of the field.
Mark Davis = genius!
Football hotbed Winnipeg is probably just so oversaturated with American football that no one was left to go to the game.
Nick Foles clearly going the Hugh Douglas route of “Rob Jacksonville blind”
Oh the Bears’ fans segment of Chicago’s WYTS is absolutely delicious
This is an first-ballot Hall of Fame comment. I laughed for a solid ten minutes when I saw this.
Wish I could take credit, but that’s a verbatim quote from whoever the fuck “Nate” is
This may be my favorite since the Cowboys one four or five years ago that said THE OL’ DOUBLE J will have JerryWorld flooded with sand the game after he dies to take the crowd into the afterlife with him.
Should have occurred to me that the Vikings fan would relish the chance to go in on the Bears. Eagles tomorrow. Expecting that to be very good, as well.
I found it underwhelming, much like the primary commenter on Deadspin who seems to think he represents Chicago area fans despite being incredibly uninteresting.
It is the defining trait of every Bears fan I’ve met
Yeah, that dude was unbearable on there today.
I had to put on a suit and tie today. Last time I wore it was in December when it was about 25 degrees out….no problem. Today, the heat index was 102. Both myself and the suit now need to be drycleaned because we both smell like Miss Mama June after hot yoga.
Try wearing a wool Marching Band Uniform made for Ohio autumns in Orlando, FL in May during a heat wave. I could literally hear my fat ass boil.
What did it sound like?
Wait, wait…..forget I asked that. I don’t wanna know.
Cam’s hurt. RIP Panthers.
Will Grier to the rescue!!!!!!!
Derek Anderson to the… (checks Wikipedia)… uh oh.
me first GLORRRREEEEE BOI
The Wednesdayer curse!
Cody Kessler and Josh McCown on the Eagles stat sheet is some darkest timeline shit
Holy Shitballs! Danny Jones might not be a bust!
/ACL self-immolates in Week 3
Dave Brown started 3-0
Ian Scott McCormick started killing optimism 08/22/19.
Actually, it was long before that date.
Way before that date
At the very least you can claim that you weren’t the first.
Cincy announcers marveling about rook lb Connelly-maybe it wasn’t a hot take after all.
It’s really time for Dreamboat’s achilles to call it a career
There are few things I have more faith in than the fact that Philly’s front four is just gonna devour QBs. THey’re gonna give up 5 billion go routes, but everything that takes more than 2 seconds is gonna end with an angry white dude having a tantrum while he gets up.
Pretty
https://twitter.com/i/status/1164686247278891008
I like how the offensive lineman ran right past him.
I think he was moving up to block, counting on the runner to outrun Brandon Graham, which is just a terrible assumption
Information out of Winnipeg is the there are “field condition issues” which may result in both teams holding out their starters.
Cincy home announcers haven’t yet figured out that Mixon ain’t gonna play.
“Do you have a lack of imagination? Do you like telling people to do the same thing over and over again? Do you like running between the tackles on first down? Maybe you should consider a career as a Giants offensive coordinator.”
How do you think I feel? My teams making the Giants look good.
Feel? What? Christ, Redshirt! I’m not an empath, I’m a psychopath.
“Back in my day, there were no ‘slant’ routes and the game was way better.”
-B. Parcells
Winnipeg Fever- CATCH IT!
Then get it treated via the reasonable universal healthcare system
YOU ANTI-SEMITIC, UNLOYAL, NON-LOYAL, STUPID SOCIALIST!!!!
Sorry. I was in the waiting room at the doctors, and they had on Fox News on. I think the subliminal messages got to me. Rest assured, I have beer and I am working on deprogramming.
All the money that quack has screwed you and your insurer/employer’s insurer out of over the years has gone to buy a pallet of Iraqi dinars worth less than the paper they’re printed on.
Time to watch a team helmed by a quarterback who only has a job because the organization loves the guy even though he is an averagely average QB who is perpetually slammed onto the glass ceiling like a Garfield doll on a car window and the fans are sick of him.
Also, I get to see how Eli and the Giants are doing.