Your “Come One, Come All! (Not You, Starters)” Thursday Night Preseason Open Thread

This is usually the time when some sort of ‘dress rehearsal’ for the regular season takes place with all the stars muddying their unis for the first time. But lo! Some teams have re-thunk this thinking and many of the precious ones will not “have at it”, which kinda makes sense to me. I read somewhere that Coach Nagy ran all his starters against one another in a game simulation and implemented all the new plays that he wouldn’t otherwise reveal (in order to judge their effectiveness) until the regular season began. He then plays the seconds and thirds in the ‘real’ exhibition games so that he has a longer look at the depth at each position. Seems like a smart thing to do…

Updates:

-Zeke has reportedly wandered back Mexico way, making him cerveza non grata  in Cowboyland.

-Pats lb Patty Chung got caught with the coke so he’s gone for awhile. Given the recent news regarding Josh Gordon, the Pats understanding of FIFO inventory management is seriously flawed.

TO THE GAMES!

Jizziants/Cincy:

The Bengali’s have only 6 player rejects from their buddies in New York. They consist of 2 castaway O-lineman, 2 cb’s that couldn’t cut it, a D-line depth fella and something called “Hunter Sharpe”. Good Luvin’! Player to watch for the Jizzers is 5th round pick rook lb Ryan Connelly. Described recently as “smart and tough”, which is code for  ‘pallid dude from Wisconsin’, he’s actually a bit of a speedster. Think deep-discount Luke Kuechly

Bal/Phi:

Reports out of Ravens camp declare that te Mark Andrews will end up being the most likely target to have the ball sail over his head in the red zone this season.

Car/Pats:

Pants wr Curtis Samuel is among the league leaders in ‘yards cushioned by cb’s at 6.7. Stick that up your WAR!

Wash/ATL:

Prediction: Brian Hill will supplant Ito Smith as the #2 rb. Draft accordingly.

Jax/Mia:

Jags fans are dreading the day when their rb Fournette will be forced to miss a game because he had a nightmare that ‘really stuck with me’.

GB/Raiders:

You guys don’t seriously think that Antonio is going to replicate his previous success with Derek Carr behind center, right? The latter’s inadequacy was one of the reasons that Amari Cooper was chased out of town just…last…year.

Whoa! These hot takes really take the wind out of me. Do you have one? Share below.

 

 

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Moose -The End Is Well NighBugEyedBooUnsurprisedyeah rightWCS Recent comment authors
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Spur
Spur

one more drink!

King Hippo

this is almost as big a lie as one more line!

/although eventually everyone hits their daily ATM limit

Spur
Spur

i only need one line to fuck and one line to feel

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m watching a pre-season Raiders game on a 80-yard field in an empty stadium in Canada with a lesbian announcer.

It’s like watching the WNBA.

King Hippo

Thanks for fucking up, Dirt Donks. It’s FOAR teh GREATER GOOD

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damn it. At least they could ruin it for someone else.

Spur
Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

lol they cancelled the 4th qtr of Eagles-Ravens

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

What the hell is going on in Winnipeg? That’s a pro field, how on earth is that field in such bad shape that they’re playing 80 yards? Anyone got a reason to what went down there?

Also, lol at the NFL thinking a small market like Winnipeg could handle those ticket prices.

Spur
Spur

What the hell is going on in Winnipeg? – They’re putting their milk in bags?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

The goal posts had to be moved back and the patches were inadeqUate.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Spur
Spur

“You cannot vote for your comment” bunch of BS

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Couldn’t agree more. We must riot.

King Hippo

2 b sew underappreciated n 1’s own time

Spur
Spur

Lately I’ve been playing loud obnoxious music at red lights. My Q60 is not excepted. If i get looks, i yell FUCK TRUMP! You wave your loser flag, i play Mexican pop music.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s replace your roof season here; all you hear is fine Mexican pop music.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

….and nail guns.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I just ate the most awesomest nachos evar in the history of Earth.
No, you can’t have any.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

did someone Chinese make pee-pee in his Coke?

Spur
Spur

pulled chicken involved?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes. I’m just happy you didn’t say “choked chicken”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It can be both.

Spur
Spur

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Spur
Spur

not ok?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I see no completely bare nipples (male excluded), I see no lips, I see no erection, I only hear distant motor boat; IT’S OK!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I mean, the dishes could be cleaner…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“He’s doing his job scrubbing!!”

Spur
Spur

if its clean its cuisine

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

I think the NFL should be like European footy, in that some weeks everyone will play on Tuesday or Wednesday as well.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No.

King Hippo

also, 38-match regular season?

Wakezilla

38 game season would be amazing for the NFL because it would reduce the time players would get in trouble.

King Hippo

I mean, the Union should PAY BACK some revenues out of gratitude ,, amirite?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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DAMN, that was close.

Spur
Spur

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ballsofsteelandfury

THAT is an ass…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Spur is not that bad.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

We’ve found Butt Mountain.

I’m going to scale it, because it’s there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And I presume…..(wait for it)

Plant your flag?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

The Yankees have the best or second-best record in baseball and there is no chance that they will get to, let alone win, the World Series.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I can hope they die trying.

King Hippo

so….I just larned JV NFL starts this Saturday nite. With the always delightful UF cheerleaders!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Old hags!”

-Ah…. which ever one of the MANY

blaxabbath

What’s it really like to do cocaine?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

this is how u noe Moose is an actual engineer, whereas I am just in remission. Could not come up with the proper phrasing, nor do I post GIFs well

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That fucking pussy edited his typo.

blaxabbath

I was clarifying my question.

What’s the crime? A Moose response that now makes no sense — this is not a new thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was giving you a hard time and it was an excellent typo and now you are being a dick about it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also cocaine is fun as hell, a short lived high, addictive, and obviously physically and mentally damaging. What is not to love.

King Hippo

Doing cocaine – it’s as good as I have ever felt about myself. I was like I could sit down and write an entire novel right now.

But then it wears off. Hoooollllllyyyy shit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“That was a deep five hour conversation about nothing and it only cost us $800!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also the “I am SOOOOO horny right now! What do you mean my dick will not cooperate?!??!”

King Hippo

Jim Jeffries “the coke wank” sketch is brilliant

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

AWESOME. you got any?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Who had “Preseason Week 3” in the “Jordan Reed Injury pool”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just put the entire Donks roster in the injury pool.

King Hippo

wha happen to us??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On paper it sounds good; “Screwed for six weeks at least!”

Gratliff

If JJ Arcega-Fuckinglongname is actually this good, Eagles are gonna be loaded at receiver for a long time

Spur
Spur

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Spur
Spur

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blaxabbath

She needs to him HEAR her.

Spur
Spur

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SonOfSpam

(channels Hippo)

So the opening line of tonght’s Ravens @ Iggles game was Iggles -2. By game time, the line had shifted to Ravens -5. That’s a big move. At halftime, the Ravens are up 26-0. So the gamblors of the world are making good scratch on a preseason game.

I like pills.

(end channeling)

What happened?

King Hippo

nods knowingly

Spur
Spur

I can guess two things natural
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Spur
Spur

Folks

Col. Duke LaCross

Sir.

Gratliff

Gonna switch to something more closely approaching professional football: Final Fantasy randomizer speedrun

King Hippo

shouldn’t “Final Fantasy” be all about whatever Michael Hutchence last was jerking it to?

Gratliff

Big Dick Nick throwing some murderballs around

Gratliff

Look, can we just throw Kaepernick in McCown’s jersey and give him the money instead? I’m pretty sure even McCown would be okay with it.

Redshirt

The New York Football Giants everybody!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck those guys. They cost us a 6 team parlay in Vegas two year ago.

Redshirt

You gotta love the Bengals radio guys getting used to broadcasting Bengals plays.

“Finley drops back, throw to Erickson, caught? No, dropped. He dropped it. Its fourth–he caught it? First down!”

Beerguyrob

So, in Winnipeg,

– they are playing on an 80-yard field because they can’t move the CFL goalposts
– the “Canadian” broadcast is the Raiders broadcast, so Matt Millen & Rich Gannon
– so few tickets have been sold they aren’t showing the crowd & instead just using tight shots of the field.

Mark Davis = genius!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Football hotbed Winnipeg is probably just so oversaturated with American football that no one was left to go to the game.

Gratliff

Nick Foles clearly going the Hugh Douglas route of “Rob Jacksonville blind”

Gratliff

Oh the Bears’ fans segment of Chicago’s WYTS is absolutely delicious

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WCS

This is an first-ballot Hall of Fame comment. I laughed for a solid ten minutes when I saw this.

Gratliff

Wish I could take credit, but that’s a verbatim quote from whoever the fuck “Nate” is

WCS

This may be my favorite since the Cowboys one four or five years ago that said THE OL’ DOUBLE J will have JerryWorld flooded with sand the game after he dies to take the crowd into the afterlife with him.

Gratliff

Should have occurred to me that the Vikings fan would relish the chance to go in on the Bears. Eagles tomorrow. Expecting that to be very good, as well.

...

I found it underwhelming, much like the primary commenter on Deadspin who seems to think he represents Chicago area fans despite being incredibly uninteresting.

Gratliff

It is the defining trait of every Bears fan I’ve met

Col. Duke LaCross

Yeah, that dude was unbearable on there today.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I had to put on a suit and tie today. Last time I wore it was in December when it was about 25 degrees out….no problem. Today, the heat index was 102. Both myself and the suit now need to be drycleaned because we both smell like Miss Mama June after hot yoga.

Redshirt

Try wearing a wool Marching Band Uniform made for Ohio autumns in Orlando, FL in May during a heat wave. I could literally hear my fat ass boil.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What did it sound like?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wait, wait…..forget I asked that. I don’t wanna know.

Gratliff

Cam’s hurt. RIP Panthers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Will Grier to the rescue!!!!!!!

Redshirt

Derek Anderson to the… (checks Wikipedia)… uh oh.

King Hippo

me first GLORRRREEEEE BOI

blaxabbath

The Wednesdayer curse!

Gratliff

Cody Kessler and Josh McCown on the Eagles stat sheet is some darkest timeline shit

Gratliff

It’s really time for Dreamboat’s achilles to call it a career

Gratliff

There are few things I have more faith in than the fact that Philly’s front four is just gonna devour QBs. THey’re gonna give up 5 billion go routes, but everything that takes more than 2 seconds is gonna end with an angry white dude having a tantrum while he gets up.

Gratliff
Redshirt

I like how the offensive lineman ran right past him.

Gratliff

I think he was moving up to block, counting on the runner to outrun Brandon Graham, which is just a terrible assumption

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Information out of Winnipeg is the there are “field condition issues” which may result in both teams holding out their starters.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Winnipeg Fever- CATCH IT!

Then get it treated via the reasonable universal healthcare system

Redshirt

YOU ANTI-SEMITIC, UNLOYAL, NON-LOYAL, STUPID SOCIALIST!!!!

Sorry. I was in the waiting room at the doctors, and they had on Fox News on. I think the subliminal messages got to me. Rest assured, I have beer and I am working on deprogramming.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

All the money that quack has screwed you and your insurer/employer’s insurer out of over the years has gone to buy a pallet of Iraqi dinars worth less than the paper they’re printed on.

Redshirt

Time to watch a team helmed by a quarterback who only has a job because the organization loves the guy even though he is an averagely average QB who is perpetually slammed onto the glass ceiling like a Garfield doll on a car window and the fans are sick of him.

Also, I get to see how Eli and the Giants are doing.