Your Thursday Evening, “Wait – Who’s That Guy?!” Final Preseason Games Open Thread

Hi everyone,

It’s your old pal Beerguy, filling in for Scotchy tonight. He’d love to be here with you, but he’s having to take care of some relatives that came into town unexpectedly.

So, I’ll dispense with my usual news/notes/nuggets format and instead get right into some quick, pithy analysis of tonight’s contests.

  • Colts at Bengals
    • The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from fat people Colts fans in the stands who drove all the way to Cincinnati to boo him, but still don’t understand how they drove Andrew Luck to quit.
  • Falcons at Jaguars
    • Matty Ice versus Big Dick Nick, for about a quarter. Then it’s an episode of Arthur Blank’s favourite kids show, “Where in The World Is Julio Jones?”
“We’re just training partners.”
  • Vikings at Bills
    • A team saddled with a middling QB versus a team that hasn’t had even that since the mid-90s.
Jim Kelly looks great.
  • Steelers at Panthers – NFL Network – 7:00PM
    • Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
      • Big Ben’s leadership skills
      • Ryan Shazier’s heart
      • Cam Newton’s (latest) injury
      • How many games will Luke Kuechly play
    • Sartre said “Hell is other people”; Beerguy says Hell is listening to this broadcast
  • Eagles at Jets
    • A stadium filled with green & white clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
  • Giants at Patriots
    • A stadium filled with red, white & blue clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
  • Lions at Browns
    • A “O-fer” Bowl matchup that portends what the Browns might actually do this year against teams they should beat. The only question is whether they pull Mayfield before he gets hurt.
  • Ravens at [Redacteds]
    • Earl Thomas is going to get some before he gets sat. THE GHOST OF RAY LEWIS MUST BE SATED!
    • Also, this will be the place to test Lamar’s arm to see how far he can throw to open downfield receivers. It will seem like they all get 10-yard head starts.
  • Dolphins at Saints
    • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…nope.
    • I better check to see if this review is acceptable. Scotchy?

  • Rams at Texans
    • This one should be good, as DeShaun needs to be tested against a quality defence, to judge whether the Texans have a chance to take the division. For the Rams, expect lots of guarded talk about Gurley’s legs.
  • Bucs at Cowboys
    • Expect lots of talk about contracts, comparisons to Emmitt Smith, and whether this is FINALLY the year for Rapey Jameis to break out.
He’s never looked faster!
  • Titans at Bears
    • Khalil Mack has yet to feed. Marcus Mariota has yet to be hurt. One of those is likely to change.
  • Chiefs at Packers
    • Aaron will see his first game time this preseason, only to get pulled the second his line shows sign of weakness. Or, about 2.45 into the first quarter. Mahomes, meanwhile, will attempt a 75-yard Hail Mary just to show off what a younger arm can do.
    • Andy Reid will miss the game due to a rib eating injury.
  • Cardinals at Broncos
    • I don’t believe this game will be televised.
In Sun Valley, this is half the channels after 7:00.
  • Chargers at 49ers – NFL Network – 10:00PM
    • The two most contemptible owners on the West Coast watch their teams get together for a meaningless affair which will only serve to allow Philip Rivers to spread his seed north of Bakerfield.
  • Raiders at Seahawks
    • A battle between two teams wanting Sebastian Janikowski to wear their hat at his Florida State Ring of Honor induction ceremony.

There are two national broadcasts, but please ring in with whatever regional options have blessed your teevee box. After all – the next Joe Buck has to come from somewhere.

TO THE GAMES!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Col. Duke LaCross

This game is never going to end.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. Flying remains a reminder that humanity deserves to get fucked.

yeah right

You and Dok should have a lot to talk about.

yeah right

“Messi shoots and scores a hundred thousand came!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9x-eSNKbbM

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, I don’t know what happened to me today but I just got up from like a 4 hour nap after feeling some kind of motion sickness. It sucked.

WCS

Lightening delay in an 18-point game with less than six to go in the fourth? Call it. You’re even in Provo. Those fans will bang all nine of their wives during this break.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Utah has quickly become the class of the Pac 12 South.

blaxabbath

I think Jacoby has some real potential. I’m excited to see what he does in IND.

ballsofsteelandfury

Besides being afraid his family will be ostracized by the local population for being black?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nailed it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Date night.

Senor Weaselo

Senorita Weaselo got a six-pack of soju and they gave her shot glasses. She has determined that this is the greatest alcohol purchase she has ever made because of that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

If you think about it, your Christmas present to her is now fairly obvious. Just get one of those alcohol gift sets that come with glasses and you’re set!

blaxabbath

Is she a 19 year old college guy?

blaxabbath

*community college

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

19 year old college guys don’t drink soju, to my knowledge.

King Hippo

SD State has a long-haired LB named William Wallace

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Mighty white* of Son de Clem to kick a late FG to cover the 36.5-point spread.

*meaning dickish not as a DABO!!! would mean it

/no, I didn’t bet any games tonight, but I should have done SD State

King Hippo

ApostateDOWN!!!

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

As an Airbus here’s it’s grandfather:
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Brick Meathook

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Col. Duke LaCross

After a 40-yard punt return into BYU territory…

ANNOUNCER: “Utah is winning the field position battle right now.”

No shit.

herodotus450
WCS

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Redshirt

I haven’t seen these many people this excited for a Holy War in almost 18 years.

King Hippo

Even if you’re a Member of the Tribe, in Utah youse a Gentile

Unsurprised

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WCS

Congrats, Redshirt. Enjoy Luke Fickell before Purdue or Notre Dame picks him up in 2021.

Redshirt

I have him penciled into going to the Bengals when Taylor crashes and burns.

Gratliff

Glorious derp in Dallas

Spur

BYU, Blue itself

King Hippo

+1 honour code violation

Sharkbait

The Patriots have a white wide receiver named Gunnar. That might be the most Patriots thing ever.

Redshirt

…and there it is.

Redshirt

All hail BLEERGH!!!!!!

Gratliff

Hearing UCLA is still bad

WCS

…and Redshirt just blew his load

Redshirt

I really gotta cover that camera lens.

herodotus450

ESPN after reading Redshirt’s comments: “Commence the Joe Buck cloning program, we’ll get him to do every game!”

Redshirt

“They need a long drive here.”

They are down two scores with 7 minutes to go.

At this point, I’m just hate watching.

rockingdog

found a funny:
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Dunstan

Wait I thought you were the dog.

Redshirt

If they struggled with “Wapakoneta”, I want to hear these guys attempt to say “Scioto” or “Olentangy”.

scotchnaut

Me: “I say we stay up and watch more football!”

A Bellyful of Chinese Takeout: “I vote no.”

Me: “Damn. The nays have it.”

herodotus450

More like neighs.

Unsurprised

Or meows. I’m dumb

Unsurprised

That reminds me that I’ve almost regained all the weight I lost last year and have stress eating all week. Woohoo!

rockingdog

psyched for my 2 fantasy football drafts this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XODoCxv9Itg

Brick Meathook