Hi everyone,
It’s your old pal Beerguy, filling in for Scotchy tonight. He’d love to be here with you, but he’s having to take care of some relatives that came into town unexpectedly.
So, I’ll dispense with my usual news/notes/nuggets format and instead get right into some quick, pithy analysis of tonight’s contests.
- Colts at Bengals
- The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from
fat peopleColts fans in the stands who drove all the way to Cincinnati to boo him, but still don’t understand how they drove Andrew Luck to quit.
- The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from
- Falcons at Jaguars
- Matty Ice versus Big Dick Nick, for about a quarter. Then it’s an episode of Arthur Blank’s favourite kids show, “Where in The World Is Julio Jones?”
- Vikings at Bills
- A team saddled with a middling QB versus a team that hasn’t had even that since the mid-90s.
- Steelers at Panthers – NFL Network – 7:00PM
- Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
- Big Ben’s leadership skills
- Ryan Shazier’s heart
- Cam Newton’s (latest) injury
- How many games will Luke Kuechly play
- Sartre said “Hell is other people”; Beerguy says Hell is listening to this broadcast
- Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
- Eagles at Jets
- A stadium filled with green & white clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
- Giants at Patriots
- A stadium filled with red, white & blue clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
- Lions at Browns
- A “O-fer” Bowl matchup that portends what the Browns might actually do this year against teams they should beat. The only question is whether they pull Mayfield before he gets hurt.
- Ravens at [Redacteds]
- Earl Thomas is going to get some before he gets sat. THE GHOST OF RAY LEWIS MUST BE SATED!
- Also, this will be the place to test Lamar’s arm to see how far he can throw to open downfield receivers. It will seem like they all get 10-yard head starts.
- Dolphins at Saints
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…nope.
- I better check to see if this review is acceptable. Scotchy?
- Rams at Texans
- This one should be good, as DeShaun needs to be tested against a quality defence, to judge whether the Texans have a chance to take the division. For the Rams, expect lots of guarded talk about Gurley’s legs.
- Bucs at Cowboys
- Expect lots of talk about contracts, comparisons to Emmitt Smith, and whether this is FINALLY the year for Rapey Jameis to break out.
- Titans at Bears
- Khalil Mack has yet to feed. Marcus Mariota has yet to be hurt. One of those is likely to change.
- Chiefs at Packers
- Aaron will see his first game time this preseason, only to get pulled the second his line shows sign of weakness. Or, about 2.45 into the first quarter. Mahomes, meanwhile, will attempt a 75-yard Hail Mary just to show off what a younger arm can do.
- Andy Reid will miss the game due to a rib
eatinginjury.
- Cardinals at Broncos
- I don’t believe this game will be televised.
- Chargers at 49ers – NFL Network – 10:00PM
- The two most contemptible owners on the West Coast watch their teams get together for a meaningless affair which will only serve to allow Philip Rivers to spread his seed north of Bakerfield.
- Raiders at Seahawks
- A battle between two teams wanting Sebastian Janikowski to wear their hat at his Florida State Ring of Honor induction ceremony.
There are two national broadcasts, but please ring in with whatever regional options have blessed your teevee box. After all – the next Joe Buck has to come from somewhere.
TO THE GAMES!
This game is never going to end.
Evening. Flying remains a reminder that humanity deserves to get fucked.
You and Dok should have a lot to talk about.
“Messi shoots and scores a hundred thousand came!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9x-eSNKbbM
Man, I don’t know what happened to me today but I just got up from like a 4 hour nap after feeling some kind of motion sickness. It sucked.
Lightening delay in an 18-point game with less than six to go in the fourth? Call it. You’re even in Provo. Those fans will bang all nine of their wives during this break.
Utah has quickly become the class of the Pac 12 South.
I think Jacoby has some real potential. I’m excited to see what he does in IND.
Besides being afraid his family will be ostracized by the local population for being black?
Nailed it.
Date night.
Senorita Weaselo got a six-pack of soju and they gave her shot glasses. She has determined that this is the greatest alcohol purchase she has ever made because of that.
If you think about it, your Christmas present to her is now fairly obvious. Just get one of those alcohol gift sets that come with glasses and you’re set!
Is she a 19 year old college guy?
*community college
19 year old college guys don’t drink soju, to my knowledge.
SD State has a long-haired LB named William Wallace
Mighty white* of Son de Clem to kick a late FG to cover the 36.5-point spread.
*meaning dickish not as a DABO!!! would mean it
/no, I didn’t bet any games tonight, but I should have done SD State
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4bgXH3sJ2Q&ab_channel=IronMaiden
ApostateDOWN!!!
As an Airbus here’s it’s grandfather:
After a 40-yard punt return into BYU territory…
ANNOUNCER: “Utah is winning the field position battle right now.”
No shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBtYOI8U3Cc
I haven’t seen these many people this excited for a Holy War in almost 18 years.
Even if you’re a Member of the Tribe, in Utah youse a Gentile
Congrats, Redshirt. Enjoy Luke Fickell before Purdue or Notre Dame picks him up in 2021.
I have him penciled into going to the Bengals when Taylor crashes and burns.
Glorious derp in Dallas
BYU, Blue itself
+1 honour code violation
The Patriots have a white wide receiver named Gunnar. That might be the most Patriots thing ever.
…and there it is.
All hail BLEERGH!!!!!!
Hearing UCLA is still bad
…and Redshirt just blew his load
I really gotta cover that camera lens.
ESPN after reading Redshirt’s comments: “Commence the Joe Buck cloning program, we’ll get him to do every game!”
MFW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a06DnDDVpZM
“They need a long drive here.”
They are down two scores with 7 minutes to go.
At this point, I’m just hate watching.
found a funny:
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Wait I thought you were the dog.
If they struggled with “Wapakoneta”, I want to hear these guys attempt to say “Scioto” or “Olentangy”.
Me: “I say we stay up and watch more football!”
A Bellyful of Chinese Takeout: “I vote no.”
Me: “Damn. The nays have it.”
More like neighs.
Or meows.I’m dumbThat reminds me that I’ve almost regained all the weight I lost last year and have stress eating all week. Woohoo!
psyched for my 2 fantasy football drafts this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XODoCxv9Itg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WMCT6esqfk