Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!
Rams/Panthers:
As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.
Titans/Browns:
Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.
Chiefs/Jags:
Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.
Ravens/Fins:
LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.
Falcons/Vikes:
So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?
Bills/Jets:
Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.
Potato Skins/Eagles:
Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.
Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)
BDN!
and a shriek of joy emanates from Purgatory
Eagles secondary performing exactly to expectation so far
Keenum lucky to hit that DB right in the hands with that dropped INT.
First FOX WWE Smackdown forced reference. Whoever had 12:27 PM DFO Time, you are a winner.
Bills are Billsing faster than the Jets can Jet at the moment.
I’m genuinely surprised with this ‘no backfield’ O.
I guess they figured if it worked in 4th Qtr. Garbage Time…
Seems to be working so far. They’re a penalty and a lucky bounce away from being in the lead.
Dalvin Cook looks much the best right now, eh?
He’s a good ‘un but you do have to do some Falcons D factoring in the equation.
I’ve got brees starting tomorrow’s game against houston, but I’m thinking of swapping him for wilson against cinncinatti, thoughts?
Nae. SeaTruthers gonna run it like 40 times
Stick with Breesus.
In general, I’d strictly platoon, based on whether Breesus is at home.
Be careful. For some reason, Cincy plays Seattle hard. Also with a new coach and being treated like an afterthought, Cincy could shock us.
Odds that Brokeback QB fucked at least one dude in the ass, to prove how gay THEY are?
I see Miami is pretty much “as advertised” this year.
They are a nice Fish Tank.
And they’re advertising on sandwich boards.
Rosen Thyme?!
Fitzmagic is already Shitstragic?
Bills rb’s don’t have a single touch yet.
“Gotta get those numbers up.”
-Catholic priests, everywhere
“And that’s the way it’s always been!”
-Bills rbs’ lawyers
Trumaine Johnson, finally back from injury to commit more penalties!!
FIGHT in Philly. And on the field this time!
I forgot DJAX was back
Looks like my plan to draft-low-sell-high Fournette will not go well.
Bills gonna Bill.
Buy shares in folding table manufacturers then?
How the fuck you doing boys? And girls? And lizard people?
You just got lucky with the lizard guess. smh
Crazy to think Tiny Darren is still going at it
Dude thinks he Frank Gore.
I mean, he’s always looked up to him.
D-Jax with a niceeeee catch. good stuff!
A surprisingly good start for the Jet defense, not so much for the kicker. What’s up, you fine lookin motherfuckers?
WOO!!!! The Jest crew is reassembling
Lol browns…
I’m not watching the NFL but I enjoy reading these comments while I work on my Tucson Ch5 post.
I’m watching the women’s doubles final of the U.S. Open. I assumed everybody else was, too.
Soooo the RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTsssssss are going to take a kicking , now that everyone knows that Goff can’t do shit without BoyWonder remote-operating him?
The only fantasy thingy I done right was stream the Jest D in DFO-ball
Josh Allen is a bust.
And not the good type.
Good ol’ Brokeback QB
AP isn’t dressed and I faded Guice like the dipshit I am.
So Gurley is still broken.
Philly thought NFL was Two Hand Touch Tackle.
few things truly encasolate being a bears fan as much as coming to the realization that the bears faced the only team in week 1 who didn’t forget how to tackle in the offseason
Gonna be a lot of “This is why you make the starters play in the preseason” talk
I took the ‘Dacteds in my “loser” pool. Don’t y’all fuck me.
Somewhere Ki-Jana Carter just rubbed his knee while swearing under his breath.
What…what is this feeling? The Browns drove down the field and scored first.
Is this what people mean by the term “pride”?
#ThePauls gonna #Paul
and missed the XP
The Factory of Sadness may be operating in severely reduced staff, one shift operation, but its still in operation!
Think of them more as an artisanal sadness operation now. Less volume, but it will be some high quality sadness
At least their kicking still sucks… some universal constants still remain!
Its fun. Isn’t it?
JFC, Vrabel looks like a freshly showered Tomsula.
What’s a shower?? – Jim T., Maryland Railyard
Soooo, Cousins threw a TD against the Falcons… Does this mean that the Falcons will be under .500 this year?
Give him a chance. I’m sure he’ll throw one FOR the Falcons soon.
I hope so, ’cause I liked Atlanta during SB week…
/everybody runs to their waiver wire
oh birds
Peterson not dressed for ‘Dacteds. That’ll take a switch to the scrotum of their game plan.
DJ Moore, still liquid shit
McVay totally schemed that.
Remember Sammy Watkins.
/or NOT, Jaguras
He was a great running back!
— Trent Green
Listen to soft sounds of Romo
oh jags
Blake Bortles never gave up a TD in the first two minutes of a game.
#BlakeBortlesFacts
Damn. You’re right. His earliest one is in the first three minutes (and three seconds) of a game.
The Case Keenum reign begins!
Baker Mayfield starts exactly as you expect
with a beer in his hand
I picked the Browns for the suicide pool. I’M A MADMAN.
Dude. #ThePauls are still #ThePauls until shown otherwise.
Nah, just an optimist… nothing the factory can’t cure!
throw ONLY towards Kelce, Mahomes-y!
I noticed no Presidential Hello for the NFL again this year.
What a pussy.
they should have had Obama do it, Herr Fuhrer’s brain would explode
Scott’s “desk” has substantially shrunk.
All that Booger Sugar had to be paid for somehow.
I worry about him getting a line of the length he needs
He’ll make a nice big spiral.
I clapped like a trained seal at the first quad box.
Fuck all the way off with the LOLphins.
Fuck you Joe Namath, fuck you all to hell… or NJ…
Hey…hey…
Welcome back everyone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKie-vgUGdI