Your “I Think The Banner Pic Pretty Much Covers It” Holiest of Holy Open Threads

Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!

Rams/Panthers:

As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.

Titans/Browns:

Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.

Chiefs/Jags:

Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.

Ravens/Fins:

LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.

Falcons/Vikes:

So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?

Bills/Jets:

Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.

Potato Skins/Eagles:

Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.

Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
736 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Smithchez

“It’s EVIL, on CBS.”

Seems appropriate.

LemonJello

Figured FOX as the more Evil network, but whatever…

Dunstan

I thought the Pats were on NBC tonight.

Senor Weaselo
Fronkenshteen

NOW the season is over.

Fronkenshteen

NFL field vs NE

Gratliff

Eagles running their patented 7-man defense.

Smithchez

RUH RAHROMES

Mr. Ayo

We can’t have nice things. You know this.

Smithchez

I’d call this Jets-Bills game a war of attrition, but attrition requires an initial amount of effectiveness.

LemonJello

Keenum with a fair Sex Dragon impersonation there.

Horatio Cornblower

My brother is wondering why we didn’t just refer to Washington as the Foreskins and I don’t have an answer.

King Hippo

Because it might bring TEBOW! back

Horatio Cornblower

Fair.

Gratliff

Get the fuck out

Horatio Cornblower

Can I wait until Spur gets back? Apparently he’s getting blowjobs for everyone.

Redshirt

Well fine then! I’ll make my own Football/Dick Joke Discussion Thread! With Blackjack! And hookers! You know what? Forget about the Discussion Thread!

Horatio Cornblower

I see Darnold hasn’t gotten any smarter in the off-season.

King Hippo

he has the very funny retardation!

Brocky

All 4 dolphins fans right now:

comment image

King Hippo

Wakey in a rubber room screaming Fuck you, dolphin!! all afternoon

King Hippo

At least I will have first waiver priority, so I can snag that Balmer WR who will catch 5 passes the rest of the season

LemonJello

Japanese fishermen think Baltimore is being brutal to these Dolphins.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So I’ve got DC/PHI early and DAL/NYG late on my local Fox channel. All NFC East, all fucking day. I guess I was Joe Stalin in a previous life and this is my karmic payback.

Smithchez

Just stream yourself some redzone

King Hippo

Not Gurley ManDOWN

King Hippo

I just may have written off LAMAR! as a passer a tad prematurely

Mr. Ayo

Nah. LOLphins are going to make every offense look like world beaters.

bk109

Except the Pats in Miami… Then, they’ll beat us, because that STD-infested toilet bowl of a stadium is cursed… Bitter about the Miracle?! No.. Not bitter.. NOT AT ALL… WHO SAID MIAMI MIRACLE?! IMMA GONNA GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Mr. Ayo

Boo fucking hoo. You’re going to lose a meaningless game to a meaningless team. While on the way to the Superb Owl. Real fucking tragedy that.

Dunstan

Yeah, and so the Pats will only win the division by five games instead of six. And still get the #1 seed.

bk109

Heeey, we could be like a second seed… First round bye’s a given, tho 😀 Seriously, however, I was joking about the Miracle – if anything us fucking up in Miami is the norm, so at least it’s better than a death by a thousand field goals 🙂

Spur

Am going to the corner store for some ice cream. Anyone want anything?

Smithchez

Can you see if my dad ever found those cigarettes he was looking for about 25 years ago?

Brocky

some vodka, some tequila, and a gun to shoot myself with

Viva La Tabula Raza

Can you get two blowjobs and come back and give me one of them?

Gratliff

Lot going on here

Gratliff

Holy shit, Dolphins.

Gatoraids

The South Beach more graphic dolphin slaughter and DiCaprio will volunteer to coach the fins

Fronkenshteen

Well, at least Tyreek hill’s kid can take off his chest protector tonight.

Horatio Cornblower

Game ain’t over yet.

Brocky

swear to god, if I hear about bears taking trubisky over Patrick “every advantage a quarterback could have” mahomes one more time, i’m gonna lose it

Mr. Ayo

So Deshaun Watson is still fair game?

Horatio Cornblower

It’s not just that they took him over Mahones, it’s that they traded their entire draft to do it.

Brocky

except they really didn’t, they traded 3 picks for 2, and traded those for more picks. they still came out of the draft with six players.

i just get this sense that a lot of beatwriters (and fans of other teams) have been waiting for an excuse to rip a chicago qb to shreds. guy was in the pro bowl 7 months ago.

Spur

The Jags offensive does look crispier under Minshew right now

Gatoraids

Foles looked like a knee injury but is actually a groin injury

Fronkenshteen

/dies

herodotus450

Heh

Horatio Cornblower

I’d say Banner, but that current one is just too damn good.

Gratliff

Jason Peters is apparently shaken up which is literally his default state at this point in his career.

Smithchez

Who is the Jaguras backup?

Gratliff

Gardner Minshew from the key & peele sketch

Spur

Minshew – Air Raid Capt. from Washington State

Spur

Minshew looks like a pirate

King Hippo

He DID play at EZU before grad trandferring to Wazzu

Spur

How can the Bills not hand off to the RB?

King Hippo

It’s one way not to settle on a fixed starter?

Smithchez

Three….and…..out? I don’t understand.

Horatio Cornblower

Forget it Smithchez; it’s Billstown.

Gratliff

Yeah! Gimme that sweet “Carson didn’t play in the preseason” take.

Smithchez

It’s passes like that that let you know the Goff extension was really worth it.

Mr. Ayo

I mean, he’s at least a tad better than Truth Biscuit.

Gatoraids

Dolphins should just take knees for rest of year cept the Shield wouldn’t support such aggression against the troops

Horatio Cornblower

He might be on my FF team. That’d explain it.

Horatio Cornblower

Upon further review, he is not and I may not be paying much attention this year.

King Hippo

I do have Mattison on my keeper league bench. Dalvin Cook dies, I have a chance again!

Spur

Minshew knows how to air raid. let him sling it.

King Hippo

Tyreek Hill has shoulder owie. SUCH A SHAME

Mr. Ayo

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer gent!

King Hippo

he’ll have to choke a bitch lefty now

Mr. Ayo

Gotta teach that kid to block both sides.

Cast or not.

Gratliff

Adrian Peterson already calling him to find out if he needs any help disciplining his kids

King Hippo

Enter pornstache guy from Wazzu for DUUUUUVVVVVAAAALLL!

Mr. Ayo

Minshew?

No, bless you!

Spur

ice cream sounds good right now

King Hippo

when does it NOT?

King Hippo

BDN, ded.

Mr. Ayo

And they’re right back where they started. Damn.

bk109

Nah, just went flaccid for a bit. It’ll come back up after a good rubbing!

Spur

NIck Foles devil pact has expired.

LemonJello

Well, he is in Duvall County, so that’s a level of purgatory.

King Hippo

I really misread EVERYTHING. Glad I has no moneys on Week 1.

/big bet on LD Alajulense later, obvs

Smithchez

Oh, Baguars

Spur

Which Chief was women beater? I get them all confused.

Smithchez

I just tend to assume it was all of them, so that way I can be pleasantly surprised when I find out which ones are not.

Spur

Note to self: put Marquise Brown in as FLEX starter next week

yeah right

Well, here’s a first. About a third of the way into my walk…I fell down. Just tripped. Busted the shit out of my lip. Bloody nose. Serious contusion under my right eye. I don’t recommend it. Don’t try this at home kids.

Mr. Ayo

Should’ve been in the kitchen where you belong.

yeah right

You see what happens?

yeah right

No structural damage and my teeth are ok.
What the fuck?

Horatio Cornblower

Like that’s any safer…
comment image

King Hippo

blood pudding??

yeah right

I may need a stitch or 2 upon further reflection.

Gratliff

Relegate the Dolphins

Brocky

hippo, forgive me for asking a stupid question, what do you mean platoon?

Mr. Ayo

It’s a military reference. He’ll explain.

King Hippo

when you stick your hand in a mess of goo that used to be your best friend’s face? You’ll know what to do.

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

King Hippo

Start Breesus at home, start Russell (or waiver wire stream) when on road

Horatio Cornblower

He means don’t start Brees every week; only when he’s home. Have a back-up for road games, because Brees isn’t the same QB on the road.
/I think

King Hippo

A long Black Panthers FG would be the tits

King Hippo

godfuckingdamnit

Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

— Blair Walsh

bk109

Scott Norwood approves of this message!

Mr. Ayo

And Foles hurt.

DUVAAAAALLLLL!!!

Gratliff

He learned that from Carson

Redshirt

I just saw a preview for “Bless the Harts”. Whoever greenlit that should be fired…out of a cannon into the sun.

bk109

You should join him, for I mistakenly googled ^ … U MONSTAAAAAA :p

Smithchez

Oh right, Leveon Bell is good.

Smithchez

Oh good, Enunwa hurt himself on a running play he wasn’t involved in. Seems about right.