Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!
Rams/Panthers:
As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.
Titans/Browns:
Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.
Chiefs/Jags:
Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.
Ravens/Fins:
LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.
Falcons/Vikes:
So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?
Bills/Jets:
Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.
Potato Skins/Eagles:
Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.
Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)
“It’s EVIL, on CBS.”
Seems appropriate.
Figured FOX as the more Evil network, but whatever…
I thought the Pats were on NBC tonight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ0c4_P2uno
NOW the season is over.
You’ll have to be more specific about the team.
NFL field vs NE
Eagles running their patented 7-man defense.
RUH RAHROMES
We can’t have nice things. You know this.
I’d call this Jets-Bills game a war of attrition, but attrition requires an initial amount of effectiveness.
Keenum with a fair Sex Dragon impersonation there.
My brother is wondering why we didn’t just refer to Washington as the Foreskins and I don’t have an answer.
Because it might bring TEBOW! back
Fair.
Get the fuck out
[looks around] You were talking to me, weren’t you? Welp, see ya.
Can I wait until Spur gets back? Apparently he’s getting blowjobs for everyone.
Well fine then! I’ll make my own Football/Dick Joke Discussion Thread! With Blackjack! And hookers! You know what? Forget about the Discussion Thread!
I see Darnold hasn’t gotten any smarter in the off-season.
he has the very funny retardation!
All 4 dolphins fans right now:
Wakey in a rubber room screaming Fuck you, dolphin!! all afternoon
At least I will have first waiver priority, so I can snag that Balmer WR who will catch 5 passes the rest of the season
Japanese fishermen think Baltimore is being brutal to these Dolphins.
So I’ve got DC/PHI early and DAL/NYG late on my local Fox channel. All NFC East, all fucking day. I guess I was Joe Stalin in a previous life and this is my karmic payback.
Just stream yourself some redzone
Not Gurley ManDOWN
I just may have written off LAMAR! as a passer a tad prematurely
Nah. LOLphins are going to make every offense look like world beaters.
Except the Pats in Miami… Then, they’ll beat us, because that STD-infested toilet bowl of a stadium is cursed… Bitter about the Miracle?! No.. Not bitter.. NOT AT ALL… WHO SAID MIAMI MIRACLE?! IMMA GONNA GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
Boo fucking hoo. You’re going to lose a meaningless game to a meaningless team. While on the way to the Superb Owl. Real fucking tragedy that.
Yeah, and so the Pats will only win the division by five games instead of six. And still get the #1 seed.
Heeey, we could be like a second seed… First round bye’s a given, tho 😀 Seriously, however, I was joking about the Miracle – if anything us fucking up in Miami is the norm, so at least it’s better than a death by a thousand field goals 🙂
Am going to the corner store for some ice cream. Anyone want anything?
Can you see if my dad ever found those cigarettes he was looking for about 25 years ago?
some vodka, some tequila, and a gun to shoot myself with
Can you get two blowjobs and come back and give me one of them?
Lot going on here
Holy shit, Dolphins.
The South Beach more graphic dolphin slaughter and DiCaprio will volunteer to coach the fins
Well, at least Tyreek hill’s kid can take off his chest protector tonight.
Game ain’t over yet.
swear to god, if I hear about bears taking trubisky over Patrick “every advantage a quarterback could have” mahomes one more time, i’m gonna lose it
So Deshaun Watson is still fair game?
It’s not just that they took him over Mahones, it’s that they traded their entire draft to do it.
except they really didn’t, they traded 3 picks for 2, and traded those for more picks. they still came out of the draft with six players.
i just get this sense that a lot of beatwriters (and fans of other teams) have been waiting for an excuse to rip a chicago qb to shreds. guy was in the pro bowl 7 months ago.
The Jags offensive does look crispier under Minshew right now
Foles looked like a knee injury but is actually a groin injury
/dies
Heh
I’d say Banner, but that current one is just too damn good.
Jason Peters is apparently shaken up which is literally his default state at this point in his career.
Who is the Jaguras backup?
Gardner Minshew from the key & peele sketch
Minshew – Air Raid Capt. from Washington State
Minshew looks like a pirate
He DID play at EZU before grad trandferring to Wazzu
How can the Bills not hand off to the RB?
It’s one way not to settle on a fixed starter?
Three….and…..out? I don’t understand.
Forget it Smithchez; it’s Billstown.
Yeah! Gimme that sweet “Carson didn’t play in the preseason” take.
It’s passes like that that let you know the Goff extension was really worth it.
I mean, he’s at least a tad better than Truth Biscuit.
Dolphins should just take knees for rest of year cept the Shield wouldn’t support such aggression against the troops
Calvin Ridley doesn’t have a catch yet but he does have a solo tackle. What?
He might be on my FF team. That’d explain it.
Upon further review, he is not and I may not be paying much attention this year.
I do have Mattison on my keeper league bench. Dalvin Cook dies, I have a chance again!
He looks… good.
Minshew knows how to air raid. let him sling it.
Tyreek Hill has shoulder owie. SUCH A SHAME
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer gent!
he’ll have to choke a bitch lefty now
Gotta teach that kid to block both sides.
Cast or not.
Adrian Peterson already calling him to find out if he needs any help disciplining his kids
Enter pornstache guy from Wazzu for DUUUUUVVVVVAAAALLL!
Minshew?
No, bless you!
ice cream sounds good right now
when does it NOT?
BDN, ded.
And they’re right back where they started. Damn.
Nah, just went flaccid for a bit. It’ll come back up after a good rubbing!
NIck Foles devil pact has expired.
Well, he is in Duvall County, so that’s a level of purgatory.
I really misread EVERYTHING. Glad I has no moneys on Week 1.
/big bet on LD Alajulense later, obvs
Oh, Baguars
Which Chief was women beater? I get them all confused.
I just tend to assume it was all of them, so that way I can be pleasantly surprised when I find out which ones are not.
If you wait long enough the answer is: all of them.
Note to self: put Marquise Brown in as FLEX starter next week
Well, here’s a first. About a third of the way into my walk…I fell down. Just tripped. Busted the shit out of my lip. Bloody nose. Serious contusion under my right eye. I don’t recommend it. Don’t try this at home kids.
Should’ve been in the kitchen where you belong.
You see what happens?
No structural damage and my teeth are ok.
What the fuck?
Like that’s any safer…
Worst. Sunday. Gravy. Ever.
blood pudding??
I may need a stitch or 2 upon further reflection.
Chicks dig scars.
Relegate the Dolphins
“4th place in the SEC, here we come!”
hippo, forgive me for asking a stupid question, what do you mean platoon?
It’s a military reference. He’ll explain.
when you stick your hand in a mess of goo that used to be your best friend’s face? You’ll know what to do.
Start Breesus at home, start Russell (or waiver wire stream) when on road
He means don’t start Brees every week; only when he’s home. Have a back-up for road games, because Brees isn’t the same QB on the road.
/I think
A long Black Panthers FG would be the tits
godfuckingdamnit
Nailed It!
— Blair Walsh
Scott Norwood approves of this message!
Vikes best cb is limping off the field.
And Foles hurt.
DUVAAAAALLLLL!!!
He learned that from Carson
I just saw a preview for “Bless the Harts”. Whoever greenlit that should be fired…out of a cannon into the sun.
You should join him, for I mistakenly googled ^ … U MONSTAAAAAA :p
Why should he get a warm weather vacation?
Oh right, Leveon Bell is good.
Oh good, Enunwa hurt himself on a running play he wasn’t involved in. Seems about right.