Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!
Rams/Panthers:
As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.
Titans/Browns:
Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.
Chiefs/Jags:
Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.
Ravens/Fins:
LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.
Falcons/Vikes:
So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?
Bills/Jets:
Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.
Potato Skins/Eagles:
Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.
Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)
who misses FGs for the Jest now?
Alright, it’s a beautiful day, I don’t care about any of the teams playing and I have shit to do.
See you all for the later games.
Shit to do? Just take some Dulcolax. You’ll be right as rain.
LOL. Shit to do. I just got that.
I think, and I don’t mean to sound racist, but I think Lamar Jackson might have encephalopathy.
But as long as he keeps throwing and running and getting me FF points, I don’t really care.
All the Ingramdowns would be nicer, Bawlmer.
Darnold’s Jersey gives me Richard Todd flashbacks.
Fake punt, Harbaugh? Hmmmmm….
Like fuck you dolphin! can do anything about it
Bills fans are like, we got rid of Peterman for this?
Meanwhile Nathan’s probably screaming “SEE!?!?! SEEEEEE!?!??! It’s that horrible team, not just me !”
I don’t like Gruden much, but on Hard Knocks, I liked how he worked with Peterman to try to help him get his confidence back.
Let’s see if the Jets can capitalize by turning their 4th turnover of the half into more than….(checks notes)….6 points.
That’s 1.5 points a turnover!
So far!
/sobs
“Buy! Buy! Buy!”
-A Reid
Browns fans booing, not because their team sucks but because they’re emotionally invested in a potential win. This is new territory for everyone. I’m a bit scared.
Dude. It’s a factory of SADNESS. It will never NOT deal in any other commodity.
Seems like I was right to bench Cam, just needed to be for Mister ELITE! instead of Bollo del Verdad
Two ejections and counting!
where?
DUUUUUVVVVAAAALLLL and Believe-land
Who be gotting tossed?
Yes that is proper grammar.
Some #ThePauls OL and Myles Jack
Not even two fucking quarters and the Browns have full fucking self destructed…
At home, against the fucking Titans…
So you’re saying they’re still the Browns
#ThePauls never change.
I’m imagining a lot of folks in BRAND NEW Beckham jerseys wondering why everything isn’t going splendidly already, and a lot of dyspeptic old men watching the Ravens score and seething.
I spent most of friday and saturday trying to pretend thursday night didn’t happen.
seeing all these TDs is pissing me off
This is a real statement game by the dolphins that if you want the number 1 draft pick you’ll have to come through us
next comes taking away the players pads.
Rosen has to be ducking behind the benches right now.
Mahomes not entirely dead, so everyone breathe.
So glad I went that extra auction dollar on Brandin Cooks!
Feels like the Jets have about 3 yards of offense so far this half. Is Buffalo’s defense actually good ?
Their front and secondary are above average.
Ok, that makes me feel slightly better about how terrible the offense looks.
Minshew is 7/7. Hilarious.
Cook averaging 8 yards a carry. No such thing as too many.
D-Jax did flash any gang signs after that TD. He’s really matured.
That’s the chance you take when you put a negro on your roster. – Chip K, Westwood, CA
LMFAO
DESEAN MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
y’all can still come back, yeah?? I’d say even moneys now
Eric Weddle, must be his time of teh month ,, smgdh
Maybe Cam can spare some of his midol
I didn’t realize that Wolfman Rob took the Pussy Wagon to DC
Dolphins would be better off with Gloria estaphan and the Miami Sound Machine on the field
Jest D has 23 of my 36.2 points in DFO ball
Don’t think that’s sustainable. But good for you!
Maestro is KILLING me with CJ Mosely. A pats fan beating me with a Jet. WHAT THE FACKIN FACK??
I hate it when teams schedule a cupcake game on Week 1. Who allowed Baltimore to get away with this?!
oh Christ, we didn’t need to see Captain Dingleberry dance like that
Billlllllllllssssssing
so happy i took them as my DFO Fantasy coach
Minshew is lucky KC has no defense
I think LOLphins really undersells it.
At this point it’s just sort of a pitiful “Awwwwwwwlfins”
It’s tebow time in Miami
Ice cream selection at corner store was lacking. i got 2 push ups and sunflower seeds.
FOUNDING FATHERS BROKE THE PLAIN! PLANE?! …PLAINE!!
that’s GOOD nickname hustle!
There’s a joke about the preponderance of chiefs jerseys at the Jags game making the stadium the most well red thing in Jacksonville, but I’m too stoned to land it.
Is the venn diagram of people who are legitimately excited about a septuagenarian Stallone playing Rambo and people who have multiple MAGA hats just a circle?
It’s Taken: Rambo. Or Rambo: Taken, either way.
You left out ‘jerk’ at the end.
Story of every woman I’ve ever dated.
Left out the jerk at the end.
The WWE is moving to a major network?
When did I fall asleep and wind up in the 80’s?
Lamar ain’t doing too bad today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vjEnkQdaHM
WTF? I’m gone for 10 mins. Mahomes is ded., Eagles are getting their shit pushed in and Myles Jack appears to be starting a 1 man riot.
Holy shit, I scraped my upper lip right below my nose. I look like Hitler with a black eye and a bloody lip.
Want me to print you a map to Poland, or you can do it yerself?
(Also… you ok? What happened?)
Fell down on my morning walk and face met sidewalk. May need a stitch in the upper lip.
I fully emphatize, I tripped yesterday on one of the dogs down the stairs and chipped my front teeth. Best go to your local A&E if you think you need stitches.. and while they’re at it, have your head also checked out, because you could’ve rattled something
What the fack are the Iggles DOING?
I believe the term is “losing”.
Gearing up for the patented “Furious comeback that comes up short”
Philly Fans React Reasonably
So… no flamethrowers yet?
I only just now noticed that Case Keenum is the starting QB for Washington. CASE FUCKING KEENUM!
Jack doin’ the James Brown!
Well, there goes our best hopes of preventing another Patriots Super Bowl.
Myles Jack, proving that you CAN do too much cocaine, after all.
Went full Duval.
WTF?! Paddy Mahomes is also ded?! Madden curse struck early
Rambo: First Lip Injection Part 2
Miles Jack gonna get dumped on teh side of a road
Ottoman shrieks from the void
“The ref tossed his helmet”
Good one, Fouts.
Well, it probably is just as effective an official helmet.