Your “I Think The Banner Pic Pretty Much Covers It” Holiest of Holy Open Threads

Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!

Rams/Panthers:

As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.

Titans/Browns:

Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.

Chiefs/Jags:

Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.

Ravens/Fins:

LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.

Falcons/Vikes:

So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?

Bills/Jets:

Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.

Potato Skins/Eagles:

Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.

Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)

 

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King Hippo

who misses FGs for the Jest now?

Horatio Cornblower

Alright, it’s a beautiful day, I don’t care about any of the teams playing and I have shit to do.

See you all for the later games.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL. Shit to do. I just got that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think, and I don’t mean to sound racist, but I think Lamar Jackson might have encephalopathy.
But as long as he keeps throwing and running and getting me FF points, I don’t really care.

Senor Weaselo

All the Ingramdowns would be nicer, Bawlmer.

Fronkenshteen

Darnold’s Jersey gives me Richard Todd flashbacks.

Fronkenshteen

Fake punt, Harbaugh? Hmmmmm….

King Hippo

Like fuck you dolphin! can do anything about it

ArmedandHammered

Bills fans are like, we got rid of Peterman for this?

bk109

Meanwhile Nathan’s probably screaming “SEE!?!?! SEEEEEE!?!??! It’s that horrible team, not just me !”

ArmedandHammered

I don’t like Gruden much, but on Hard Knocks, I liked how he worked with Peterman to try to help him get his confidence back.

Smithchez

Let’s see if the Jets can capitalize by turning their 4th turnover of the half into more than….(checks notes)….6 points.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s 1.5 points a turnover!

Smithchez

So far!

/sobs

LemonJello

“Buy! Buy! Buy!”
-A Reid

Mr. Ayo

Dude. It’s a factory of SADNESS. It will never NOT deal in any other commodity.

King Hippo

Seems like I was right to bench Cam, just needed to be for Mister ELITE! instead of Bollo del Verdad

King Hippo

Two ejections and counting!

Spur

where?

King Hippo

DUUUUUVVVVAAAALLLL and Believe-land

theeWeeBabySeamus

Who be gotting tossed?
Yes that is proper grammar.

King Hippo

Some #ThePauls OL and Myles Jack

JustStopDude

Not even two fucking quarters and the Browns have full fucking self destructed…

At home, against the fucking Titans…

Gratliff

So you’re saying they’re still the Browns

Mr. Ayo

#ThePauls never change.

Fronkenshteen

I’m imagining a lot of folks in BRAND NEW Beckham jerseys wondering why everything isn’t going splendidly already, and a lot of dyspeptic old men watching the Ravens score and seething.

Brocky

I spent most of friday and saturday trying to pretend thursday night didn’t happen.

seeing all these TDs is pissing me off

Gatoraids

This is a real statement game by the dolphins that if you want the number 1 draft pick you’ll have to come through us

Spur

next comes taking away the players pads.

Mr. Ayo

Rosen has to be ducking behind the benches right now.

Senor Weaselo

Mahomes not entirely dead, so everyone breathe.

King Hippo

So glad I went that extra auction dollar on Brandin Cooks!

Smithchez

Feels like the Jets have about 3 yards of offense so far this half. Is Buffalo’s defense actually good ?

Smithchez

Ok, that makes me feel slightly better about how terrible the offense looks.

Spur

D-Jax did flash any gang signs after that TD. He’s really matured.

King Hippo

That’s the chance you take when you put a negro on your roster. – Chip K, Westwood, CA

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

Gratliff

DESEAN MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

King Hippo

y’all can still come back, yeah?? I’d say even moneys now

King Hippo

Eric Weddle, must be his time of teh month ,, smgdh

Spur

Maybe Cam can spare some of his midol

Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t realize that Wolfman Rob took the Pussy Wagon to DC

Gatoraids

Dolphins would be better off with Gloria estaphan and the Miami Sound Machine on the field

King Hippo

Jest D has 23 of my 36.2 points in DFO ball

Mr. Ayo

Don’t think that’s sustainable. But good for you!

Fronkenshteen

Maestro is KILLING me with CJ Mosely. A pats fan beating me with a Jet. WHAT THE FACKIN FACK??

Redshirt

I hate it when teams schedule a cupcake game on Week 1. Who allowed Baltimore to get away with this?!

King Hippo

oh Christ, we didn’t need to see Captain Dingleberry dance like that

LemonJello

comment image

Smithchez

Billlllllllllssssssing

Spur

so happy i took them as my DFO Fantasy coach

Spur

Minshew is lucky KC has no defense

Mr. Ayo

I think LOLphins really undersells it.

Smithchez

At this point it’s just sort of a pitiful “Awwwwwwwlfins”

Gatoraids

It’s tebow time in Miami

Spur

Ice cream selection at corner store was lacking. i got 2 push ups and sunflower seeds.

Fronkenshteen

FOUNDING FATHERS BROKE THE PLAIN! PLANE?! …PLAINE!!

King Hippo

that’s GOOD nickname hustle!

Fronkenshteen

There’s a joke about the preponderance of chiefs jerseys at the Jags game making the stadium the most well red thing in Jacksonville, but I’m too stoned to land it.

Smithchez

Is the venn diagram of people who are legitimately excited about a septuagenarian Stallone playing Rambo and people who have multiple MAGA hats just a circle?

Senor Weaselo

It’s Taken: Rambo. Or Rambo: Taken, either way.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Story of every woman I’ve ever dated.
Left out the jerk at the end.

Horatio Cornblower

The WWE is moving to a major network?

When did I fall asleep and wind up in the 80’s?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Lamar ain’t doing too bad today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vjEnkQdaHM

Spur

WTF? I’m gone for 10 mins. Mahomes is ded., Eagles are getting their shit pushed in and Myles Jack appears to be starting a 1 man riot.

yeah right

Holy shit, I scraped my upper lip right below my nose. I look like Hitler with a black eye and a bloody lip.

bk109

Want me to print you a map to Poland, or you can do it yerself?
(Also… you ok? What happened?)

yeah right

Fell down on my morning walk and face met sidewalk. May need a stitch in the upper lip.

bk109

I fully emphatize, I tripped yesterday on one of the dogs down the stairs and chipped my front teeth. Best go to your local A&E if you think you need stitches.. and while they’re at it, have your head also checked out, because you could’ve rattled something

Fronkenshteen

What the fack are the Iggles DOING?

Mr. Ayo

I believe the term is “losing”.

Gratliff

Gearing up for the patented “Furious comeback that comes up short”

Horatio Cornblower

Philly Fans React Reasonably

bk109

So… no flamethrowers yet?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I only just now noticed that Case Keenum is the starting QB for Washington. CASE FUCKING KEENUM!

Fronkenshteen

Jack doin’ the James Brown!

Redshirt

Well, there goes our best hopes of preventing another Patriots Super Bowl.

King Hippo

Myles Jack, proving that you CAN do too much cocaine, after all.

Mr. Ayo

Went full Duval.

bk109

WTF?! Paddy Mahomes is also ded?! Madden curse struck early

Gatoraids

Rambo: First Lip Injection Part 2

Gratliff

Miles Jack gonna get dumped on teh side of a road

King Hippo

Ottoman shrieks from the void

Mr. Ayo

“The ref tossed his helmet”

Good one, Fouts.

ArmedandHammered

Well, it probably is just as effective an official helmet.