Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!
Rams/Panthers:
As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.
Titans/Browns:
Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.
Chiefs/Jags:
Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.
Ravens/Fins:
LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.
Falcons/Vikes:
So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?
Bills/Jets:
Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.
Potato Skins/Eagles:
Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.
Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)
I was afraid of this: Jordan Howard is ALREADY a complete afterthought. Why the fuck did they even get him?
No shit, I’ve got 104 unread emails.
WHERE THE FUCK WAS I?
I’m at 286. I’m waiting for a cop to show up for a wellness check.
hehehehee
YUUUUUUUGE Lesser Footy news, Spain somehow leads Faroe Islands in Euro qualifying
Very forward thinking to let the retarded guy have an extra second to call timeout
Grandpa Sproles has 40 yards on 7 carries
But that’s equivalent to 120 yards for a normal sized man!
Noo Yawk sports talk radio would like the black Jest kicker to try another long one
“Hey Mike, first time long time, (RACIAL EPITHETS DELETED). I’ll hang up and listen.”
Is it racist if I expect the kicker named Santos to be wearing a luchador mask
@bk109….it won’t allow me to do it for you. You have to go thru Gravatar, then follow their instructions.
I’m going to email you back a resized version which will fit. But you’ll need to go to gravatar.com and upload it, then set it.
No need to e-mail me that back, I’ll handle it on my end . Thanks for the assist, tho
“We’re here to help, Mr. President.”
-US Government, in toto
So….. just cancel the season now, give the super bowl win to the Pats again and save everybody the extra year of head trauma?
all those fantasy gurus gushing over Mayfield and Brokeback QB, hee hee
You’re welcome for me picking the Browns in the DFO suicide pool and guaranteeing this bullshit
First Down Bills!
F.Gore left guard tackled in End Zone for -2 yards SAFETY (B.Poole).
That’s not exactly right, CBSsports.com
Jets offense leads, 0-(-8)
this is MAXIMUM AFC East
oh Jeebus, PLEASE let this Jest match end 8-nil
WHAT THE FUCK!? Rushing at that spot… THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!
Predicting Iggles 28-20
Bud Light Platinum ad, DRINK! (cyanide)
THIS JETS OFFENSE I CALL IT “MY BANK ACCOUNT” BECAUSE THERE’S FUCKING NOTHING THERE
looking GOOD, AFC East
FOOTBALL!
Where!?!?
-Trent Green, pointing at the purple monkey dishwasher
Horny Fourny!!
Gurley is ok
Any update on Tyreek?
OUT for the footy match
A little too enthusiastic there, Hippo.
Methinks I will add Minshew to my Keeper league side
Wow, I haven’t checked email in a while. Holy Shit!!!!!
Working on your thing though bk109.
But seriously, that is a scary inbox I’ve got.
Thanks, also I’ve noticed that “delete all” works wonders for my work inbox 😀 (if it’s important enough, I get a second copy XD)
“‘Scary inbox’? You and me both.”
-Houston
You just have to wonder what Zeke is hiding under that beard.
A right jab to a girl’s chin?
Emergency snack of lead paint chips?
I think Terry Bradshaw is having a stroke while doing the halftime highlights.
God ESPN is such a shitty fucking fantasy platform
The stadium at Jacksonville is 3/4s empty.
All teams in Florida have die-hard tarp fans!
That meth isn’t going to make itself.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. It’s 1/4 full.”
-NFL Head Office
Oh, to be the CBS Sports producer who convinced the network brass to put Nantz & Romo on the fucking Titans-Browns game…
Uhh, Mister Fronkensteen,sir? … I thought Tony Romo is workin’ for CBS?
Fixed. Sorry. Stoned.
And I thought he got paid to jump ship… Also somewhat drunk, so, uhh.. don’t like confuse me too much 😀
YAY, I can go makes MOAR coffee!!
Hey! Me too!
Sadly, most of don’t have access to a Hansonian coke stash.
New show with Walton Goggins. think I will check that out, that dude is phenomenal.
First three episodes were fucked up but awesome
Mayfield’s facial hair looks like he was an extra in the Two Girls One Cup video
I really hate this fucking sport.
Cleveland should just let the 10 second runoff occur and just get into the fucking locker room
Tiny Hands not looking so good.
He’s put on weight since becoming president.
Too much covfefe will do that to you.
OBJ OPI
Hey, garbage-time TD for the Dolphins! Yes, I’m aware it’s still the 2nd quarter.
You’ve heard of Brownian Motion, but what about Browsnian Motion? It’s the theory that, when you add up all the little tiny moments of any NFL season, the Browns will still suck at the end of it. For related reading, see The Bungles Corollary.
Preston Williams playing for that franchise tag!
I find it disturbing there is a flyer for the greater Boston Penn State Alumni organization taped up in the men’s room of this bar.
OK, now that is funny.
They raising money to add a shower?
Is it the juice bar at a Gym-Bo-Ree?
Unrelated… soooo…. what the bleep do I have to do, so I can change my avatar? I tried the user panel, but … no joy
What do you want to change it to?
Initially tried with a caricature of our Lord and Saviour, Darth Hoodie… I then decided to try with something that wouldn’t result in me getting ejected from the site 😀
The link won’t show me the image.
Can you email it to me?
[email protected]
It needs to be changed out from Imgur.
Yeah, that was literally just the first site I could think of where I could upload it from my computer… Will send it promptly from my burner account 😀
Sent, and for the record… that ain’t my name, mail provider, age… IF I AIN’T A PARANOID FUCK, I DUNNO WHAT I IZ 😀
Seriously, Lamar Jackson’s head is fooking huge.
the fro is looking pretty tight, though
“A black kicker from Norway?” [head explodes]
-Dude in a MAGA hat
This seems like the archetypal 7-6 Jets loss.
With let’s say 8 Buffalo turnovers.
“A Buffalo turnover? Go on…”
-A Reid
Your ret…I mean, Special Young Man QB throws a pick 6?
It’s good to not have a kicker who can make kicks, right?
Who needs an All-Pro kicker anyway?
I hear tell Canyonerrrro is available?
oh, the Jest have a black kicker now. That will end up in not-at-all-raycess territory!
Haven’t been this disappointed in Miami since the last season of Dexter
Soo… The Browns are living up to the hype, eh?
The Titans are a Juggernaut. Just ask DonT.
Of course the Browns give up the first safety of the year.
Fucking safety.
Maybe our left tackle getting ejected played a role.
This fucking team….I fucking hate this fucking team
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjPau5QYtYs
ORLOV’SKOR makes his first appearance of the year.
Tits can dance if they wannnnnu!