Yes, we assemble together again. Another season, knowing the ending is gonna suuuuuccccckkkk. But there is familiarity in routine, and really, there is no substitute for the beautiful, mathematical violence that is professional football.
And wouldn’t you know – we get treated right away to a game like Fuck Lions/Qardinals (hat tip, OSZ from the preview series) randomly becoming Match of the Day. For one, it was a glorious DRAW. That should be enough, but we got there in such a beautifully derpy way. Kyler Murray started 9 of 29, Detroit calmly and almost competently chewed up clock and yardage. In the 4th quarter, it was safely 24-6, game well in hand.
Then, the script flips, Murray and pals run off 18 straight, culminating in a two point conversion that sends us into overtime. Each team got a FG on their opening drive, then shat on their dick on #2. The match ended with Fat Stafford throwing a Hail Mary (from inside his own 10) into the first row (sideline) of whatever the fuck they call Fake University Stadium nowadays. 27-27, taking the point will likely be both squadrons’ highlight for quite some time.
We didn’t get any more hot sister kissing, but Jacoby Brissett did similarly drive the Humps for 8 points on their final drive (and turning a 9-24 deficit into 24-all, despite Adam Vinateri looking like he belonged in Chi****, not the Hall of Fame), forcing OT in Carson. However, Clippers du Merde leaned on their RBs to go on a long TD drive to kill things outright, 30-24. Not-SD proved yet again the axiom of running games being at least 80% scheme and offensive line, with Justin Jackson looking great in limited carries and Austin Ekeler easily being the Man of the Match. Odds of Melvin Gordon getting that big money deal?
We also have deaths to report! One Karmic, one not. From the same game, Big Dick Nick and Tyreek (“I’mma choke a bitch”) Hill both went down with major shoulder/collarbone boo-boos. No word yet on when either will be back, but I’d bet no sooner than October for Hill, November (if at all) for Foles. The actual game featured star turns for Sammy Watkins (3 TDs, 198 yards) and Gardner “Pornstache” Minshew, Mike Leach disciple (and former EZU Pirate). Talk about outhouse to penthouse! Kansas City won easily, though. Also, Andy <3 Shady will be a thing, making all Chef RBs unplayable in fantasy.
Unlikely, but maybe not when considering the competition, 400-yard passer? Our favourite processed ham product, DAK! went the fuck off on the miserable NYG secondary. Amari Cooper, Michael Gallup (on everyone’s bench, UGH), even old man Witten got into the action. With the Bearistocrats! looking like crap, perhaps Dallas is your NFC clubhouse leader. Fuck if I know. Their defense can at least hit folks.
Really goddamned unlikely, no matter how much ether you huff? Red Rocket going into the 12s Lair and putting up 4 bills (including 2 long scores to someone called John Ross III) on the SeaTruthers. Still lost, though. 21-20. Because Bungles gon’ Bungle. Beatie Mixon dinged his ankle, too. Long season is coming, Redshirt and the handful of other fans left.
OK, even more unlikely than THAT, no matter the quality of opposition? LAMAR! going for 324 and 5 TDs. In the AIR. Everyone will run get this “Hollywood” Brown off waivers, and we will never hear of him again. 59 points represented an all-time Ratbirds high, and somehow the LOLfins’ 10 seems deceptively competitive. Will Mercury Morris and his crew of assholes open champagne if/when this shitheap goes 0-16? Seriously, it strains all credulity to call this a professional football squadron.
You get further reminder that the P*ts get spotted 6-0 every season, based on the derpy-as-fuck Bills/Jest game. The Jest D started like a house of fire, getting a Pick Six (missed extra point, so stayed 6), then a safety. It was the Jest offense beating the Bills’ offense, 0 to -8 (hat tip, Senor Weaselo). Then, somehow Darnold got a score of his own, plus a wacky 2-point conversion. You can’t get much MOAR ded than Buffalo was in the Joisey swamps. Except they somehow rallied, scored 17 in the last quarter-plus, and won the fucking game. Despite remarkably weird playcalling that saw them hardly hand off the entire game. Noo Yawk kept them in check like a vise all day, until they fell completely apart. Neither of these teams would do better than 4-12 in any other division.
OF COURSE, the P*ts shithoused the Stillers. I barely paid any attention. No faith in Giant Meteor to remove all these wastes of carbon from the planet. 19-0 feels like a very real plausibility.
Oh man, DonT is gonna hate me for leaving the Tits this far downstream. It surely seemed that #ThePauls were poised to end their 14-game opener losing streak – the hype was thick enough all spring/summer to need a buzzsaw to cut it. But Erotic Smashmouth went into Believeland and…smashed some fucking mouths. 43-13, and it never seemed that close. Despite spotting the home side an early 6 points. Look, I just can’t comprehend TN at all. I never draft any of their players, until I took Corey Davis for $4 at this season’s auction. With all that scoring? 0 catches, 0 yards. It’s all voodoo, y’all. Just enjoy the ride.
The Vikings looked similarly steamroller, defeating Sherman’s Ashes 28-12. And really, it might as well been 28-nil, the score at which they quit giving two shits. Dalvin Cook and Founding Fathers (hat tip, Fronk) were a monstrous rushing duo. They just need Captain Dingleberry to stay out of the fucking way.
The Redacteds made all of Survivor/Loser Pool participants gasp, taking a 17-nil lead in Philly. But their “plan” to leave TheSean Jackson wide open backfired and then some, needing a garbage time score to get the margin down to 32-27. Hey, they covered! About as good an outcome as Fatty Gruden can expect.
I kept Cam Newton on my bench, because I wanted to see him prove that he was healthy. Uh…still waiting. Black Panthers ended up losing only 30-27, but that was almost all McCaffrey and a still-decent defense. Cam did not run. Cam did not throw downfield (at least not effectively). Riverboat Ron continues to work on his resume. It’s a road win for a West Coast side in EST – so one can hardly shit upon it. But RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! looked dicey, as they did in last season’s playoffs. I think the window is closed.
Last and kind of least, all the guffaws at Rapey Jameis. He was just…a turd out there, matching his real life “personality.” Fumbles, ridiculous pickerceptions, throws of his back foot – he put out the entire “I am functionally brain damaged” highlight reel. Bruce Arians is a little old for a gut and rebuild job, but that’s what he’s got. 31-17 to the visiting Tomsulas, who still have some questions around Janeane Garofolo (love ya, girl!) – but have a defensing unit that looks rather menacing. Each side got a defensive score, and each side paid rapt first half homage to BLEERGH (4 combined TDs off the board). No, that’s not a misprint.
See all you good folks next week, same bat time, same bat channel. Fuck Tyreek Hill with America’s rustiest dildo.