People come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. From my perspective the challenge becomes how to use their disadvantages against them. I won’t lie, I enjoy working these things out. Back in the day I made a few mistakes, got sloppy, had to end things with a gun a few times. (too easy) But most other times things went soooo smooooth. There’s nothing that quite matches that feeling. You put together a plan, you execute it and them and the rush is exquisite. I remember one time…

It was back in the late 90’s-I was doing my own thing, running a cleaning/light landscaping business out of my garage. I was living in the middle of suburbia and there were tons of single moms and dads that were working a couple of jobs, had to get their kids off to school, maybe soccer or somesuch on the weekend and simply didn’t have or claimed to not have the time to get things done in the yard or house.

I did really well for a time because labor was dirt cheap. The only people I brought on board were the usual down-and-outs and some high school kids here and there. So much of the business was cash in hand so that naturally fell into the back of my pocket and I made out like a bandit.

Kyle was an off-and-on guy that started with me when he was in Grade 11. He tried community college but it just ‘wasn’t his thing’. I’m sure he had undiagnosed dyslexia that his trash parents couldn’t be bothered to deal with. So Kyle came back to me at the age of 21 and asked if he could make some cash. He wanted to buy a beater, his very first vehicle. I said ‘yes’ and for some reason the wheels started turning.

Kyle was the tall, skinny sort that was no doubt pushed around at school. He was a sensitive guy as well so his self-esteem issues ran deep. Between his gangly appearance, pock-marked face, lack of any dating prospects and parents that didn’t give a whit about him, he had a really tough go in this life. Whenever he smiled, which wasn’t very often, it was more of a grimace, really-well, it was the saddest thing you could ever see. It wasn’t natural at all and never came from genuine well-being or confidence.

He’d been around for about four months when I asked him how close he was to getting his ride. “I’ll probably be there in six more weeks,” he replied. “How ’bout I front you that money, a little loan between us?” I ventured. You see, that feeling was creeping and I do consider myself a man of action. He jumped at the money offer, shook my hand vigorously, praised me for what seemed like half an hour and so on and so on.

He was so proud of that godawful, ugly ’89 Volkswagen Scirocco but then I thought, “what the hell else would a kid like that buy?”. He loved just cruising around, usually just hanging out in a fast food chain’s parking lot with the other kids that didn’t make it.

It was a Friday, around four. Kyle was back from mowing a few lawns, he was sweaty and no doubt looked forward to taking a shower and hitting McDonald’s and then a movie. I brought him into my office and told him he had one more thing to do. You see, the heavens had aligned-I’d received a late phone call from a widower that wanted some branches and hedges trimmed. “I’ll send someone out as soon as I can”, I replied as I looked for a plastic bag and zip tie. Kyle was a bit crestfallen but I guilted him into it by mentioning the loan. “Anything for you, Mr. ********!”, he said. I sent him off to his car, quickly turned off the security camera and then rushed out to grab him, explaining that I’d purchased a new piece of equipment that he could use. I feigned not knowing where it was and asked him to look in the corner of the garage.

I jumped right on his back and hit his head with a hammer. Dazed, he fell to his knees, allowing me to get the thick bag out of my back pocket and placed it over his head. The oversized zip tie was around his neck seconds later, creating a perfect seal. It didn’t take that long. I watched his sunken chest fall in upon itself as the last bit of oxygen was used up.

The police eventually showed up and I showed them the security footage of him leaving the place. It was a shitty system that always cut out on me, I explained. I was going to upgrade it but just didn’t have the funds to do so because I had lent money to the kid that was missing. I happened to have told my other employees that Kyle had plans to move to another part of the country and they bleated the same story back to the cops when interviewed. By the time they found the car in the deep woods I was long gone.

TO THE GAME!

Rams/Browns:

All of the Browns secondary are either out or struggling with leg injuries. Tyler Higbee was coughing up blood due to a serious chest contusion so Gerald Everett might be a quality stopgap plug and play guy in this spot. Some squawkers out there are saying that some of Mayfield’s regression is due to a habit of throwing off his back foot. Apparently he’s working on it. Maniacal Myles Garrett has 5 sackeroos and 2 roughing the passer calls already. Do you hear footsteps, Jared?

Go get ’em, boys and squirrels!