Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2019 Season

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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The best one can really ever expect out of this piece of shit life is a mixed bag.  Thusly, I found out (having to run an annoying parenting errand) that I could NOT get the satellite broadcast of my Donks continuing to shitcan King Laserface, but instead was stuck listening to Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals shit the bed thoroughly.  Maybe the non-playoff bound Donks needed the win LESS, but 0-5 would have been humiliating – and I am very glad we avoided such fate.  Also, major props for the locals turning Carson’s lesser Lesser Footy ground an amazing shade of mango and navy.  Y’all got Romo to make fun of Clippers du Merde’s nomadic, fanless status.  This is good, and right.

There was only one other late game (a shitburger), of which I saw nary of the second half.  Seems like DAK DAK DAK DAK!! racked up the garbage fantasy points, but early turnovers dug way too deep a Non-Gendered Cowpersons hole.  34-24 Packers, and the NFC power structure is even more fuckety than it was entering yesterday.

So…an unforgivable 10/2 split, with neither late fixture much account (for the neutral, anyway).  Unlike, thankfully, next week – we didn’t even get the London game in the morning!  Next weekend is the international break, so Black Panthers/Team MRSA will fill a real void.  Anyway, the first edition of Tottenham Hot NFL surprisingly went to the Raiders, despite blowing a 17-nil halftime advantage (before Q3 even expired).  Chase Daniel turned back into a pumpkin, and the Bearistocrats! somehow forgot to pack their run defense.  Right pity, that.  Again, the NFC really makes no sense.  Watch the Tomsulas lose on Monday night, too.

Congratulations to the Qardinals and Kyler Murray, for earning their first win, mostly via fucking Ted up and down the pitch with QB scrambles.  Kid will eventually die, but not in Southwestern Ohio.  Beatie Mixon had 60 yards rushing on the opening drive, and barely touched the ball afterwards.  Yeah, that’s the Bungles we all know and feel no emotions toward.

Despite getting the first 7 points, and being down only 9-7 perilously close to halftime…the Redacteds lost and failed to cover.  Fatty Gruden started, and stuck with, Colt McCoy at QB.  Yeah, that’s exactly what you should do with a roster that’s going absolutely nowhere in 2019-20.  The P*ts’ drive to 19-0 continues unabated.  I’m telling y’all, it WILL happen.  At least their D/ST is carrying my non-money league fantasy squadron.

N’Awlins avoided the banana skin after their big SNF win, beating Team MRSA 31-24 (late garbage time making it seem competitive, which it was assuredly NOT).  So very many of these games were so forgettable, it made me wonder (again) if I have Alzheimers.

There has maybe NEVAR been a more Titan-ish game than yesterday’s fingernails-on-chalkboard home loss to Buffalo.  14-7, with Mariota losing a TD due to crossing the line of scrimmage, followed by the day’s 2nd missed (this one a chippie) FG.  Then, with under 6 minutes to play, the coaches inexpliacbly tried a 54-yarder on 4th and FUCKING FOUR.  Predictably, they missed quite badly, and never whispered another threat to the Bills’ lead.  Those schmucks are seriously 4-1, and probably making the playoffs.

Captain Dingleberry finally found a secondary that’s his speed, in the swamps of Joisey.  Bloom might be off that Daniel Jones rose, too.  28-10, but the 28 got that way in very interesting fashion (including a safety).  Los Gigantes have pretty much no healthy tailbacks left, and have a short week heading into Foxboro.  Good fucking luck with that.

Luke Falk took the Jest into Philly, and it was about what you’d expect.  31-6, because the Iggles didn’t need any more than that.  Mono has completely derailed Gang Green’s season (author thinks of how to spin this into The Simpsons’ monorail song, and fails).

Lamar! played like absolute ass, but Balmer still won in Yinzburgh, 26-23.  Thanks primarily to (i) killing Mason Rudolph with a sandwich hit he will never, ever remember; and (ii) Juju’s boo-boo in overtime, fumbling to set up the winning FG.  At 1-4 and with no plausible QB options, PIT is pretty much done and buried.

Black Panthers won their 3rd straight, in entertaining 34-27 fashion over the Jaguras.  Minshew went nuts, except when he was committing crippling turnovers.  Christian McCaffery also went nuts, except when he was cramping (then his completely unknown, Maytag repairman backup went nuts).  Thanks to BLEERGH (from whom all blessings flow), Minshew got to try THREE differnt Hail Mary plays at the very end.  None worked.

53-32 is a fun score, unless you are Matty Ice or a Falcons fan.  Just kidding, there are no Falcons fans.  Will Fuller went insane, with 3 scores and 200+ yards.  Dan Quinn is absolutely, 100% getting fired.  It’s just a race with Fatty Gruden and Princeton Red to get the pink slip first.

Is that it, other than SNF?  I suppose it is.  Jacoby and the Fat Humps really pushed Kansas City to the brink, then when Mahomes’ left guard stepped on his already taped-up ankle?  PAST IT.  Getting into Q4 with a lead and WAY under the o/u number…don’t be surprised if other head coaches pick up on Reich’s blueprint.  Control.  The line of scrimmage.  Then, you have the advantage against a worn-down defense.  Absolute master class of game planning.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Don TLow Commander of the Super SoldiersRikki-Tikki-DeadlyThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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2019 Quotables – Week 5 (Submissions) – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] I went to see Joker this weekend with Papa Commander, as he needed to get out of the house for a good while. Before taking our seats, we visited an excellent Ale House where we split a flight and watched the first half of the Packers-Cowboys game. It’s the only NFL football I’ve seen since week 1 and while not much of a game, I was more than delighted to see not a single TV in the entire establishment showing the Heretics. […]

Don T

Tits are like a carton of fresh eggs that you open to find three roaches* and end up throwing the whole thing away. Pft. On the other hand, I should get the Nobel prize for Foresight after cutting meself off alkyhol at halftime.

* OL, kicker, offensive coaching

theeWeeBabySeamus

Why does my cell tell me I’m suddenly roaming when I haven’t moved? I’ve driven cross-country and up and down the east coast multiple times. It never told me I was roaming. I didn’t even know roaming was still a thing.

This is pissing me off.

litre_cola

I was in Victoria BC and my phone kept going to the tower in Washington (nawt cheap). Had to call the phone company, who were really good about it shockingly.

Game Time Decision

you can turn roaming off….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not if your name is Jim Tomsula.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Watching 60 Minutes last night with Roommate Commander and the CBS Score Update came on:

James Brown: The Broncos get their first win versus [the rest was unintelligible due to maniacal laughter]
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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Thanks for Hippo Thoughts, I was busy camping in the mountains this weekend and missed all the games. Now I don’t have to go and watch any I recorded!

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Shining is on IFC. Who’s got thumbs and won’t get shit done today?

/checks thumbs

Yep, it’s me.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Aw, shit. Same

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow. IFC doesn’t censor. They’re saying “fuck”, showing barenaked titties with no blur.

I need to start watching IFC more I think.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Braggart

–JPP

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

LOL

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Alex Smith was injured the game of the blessing ceremony. He went on to have multiple surgeries due to infection from the first surgery. Amputation was even on the table at one point. He is just now able to walk with out crutches.

:-O

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

(author thinks of how to spin this into The Simpsons’ monorail song, and fails)

Goal for today

blaxabbath

In true Cardinals fashion, after securing their [should be] only win of the season for their dead ass owner, the post-game call in show had technical issues and could not take calls.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Michael was probably calling on multiple lines asking if they had Sir Walter Raleigh in a Can.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Zombie Teddy looked pretty good. Nearly losing his leg didn’t seem to affect his accuracy. At least against Team MRSA

ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder

Sharon Van Etten has a tiny desk concert up. If memory serves right, someone else on here is a fan

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Do I get any royalties from…oh, desk, nevermind then.”
-B. Favre

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Bill Callahan named Redacteds interim Head Coach: what embarrassing footage does Snyder have on him ready to release 6 days before shitcanning him?

EDIT: Other than Raiders gametape

Fronkenshteen

Dashhcam footage of Callahan driving Barrett Robbins to Mexico?
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dad? Is that you again?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Those schmucks are seriously 4-1, and probably making the playoffs.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
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EDIT: seriously though, how is there no Bills Mafia photoshop of Flavor Flav? Like, aside from the racism thing?

Fronkenshteen

It would seem that the Chiefs’ decision to jettison Kareem Hunt MAY have been a bit rash.

Sharkbait
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One thing I’ve always wondered is why they don’t keep a simple wheelchair on the sidelines for these sorts of situations.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Because a dude in a wheelchair is somehow a sadder and more powerful image than the cart

theeWeeBabySeamus

But he could do wheelies in the wheelchair!!!!! That’s fun for the whole family.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Then again he might fall backwards and worsen the concussion.
I didn’t think that one through.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

CORRECTION: they could make it work with the right wheelchair.
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Game Time Decision

Can we get a special shout out to Mike Evans putting up a big fat zero for fantasy points this week.

Game Time Decision

See Olson also put up a zero. noooice

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

On a day when my fantasy opponent basically doubled up on me, I guess I can’t complain that he took the week off.

Game Time Decision

i still need the team name to screen name here look up. No clue who most are

Sharkbait

Theres a rumor out that Dirk Koetter is intentionally torpedoing the falcons so he can take over as HC. It makes sense, since there is no other explanation for their playcalling and slowdown when trailing yesterday

scotchnaut
Game Time Decision

best line of the article:
No coach has finished with a winning record under Snyder, who bought the team shortly before the 1999 season.

Horatio Cornblower

THIS GRUDEN FIRING I CALL IT THE GHOST DANCE, BECAUSE IT’S A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO AVOID ANNIHILATION AND IT’S NOT GONNA WORK!!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Deep cut. Nice.

blaxabbath

At 5am on Monday.

Guess Snyder had to sleep on it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Was 53-32 a scorigami? It would seem it would be…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was!