Your “Step Right Up, Good Seats Still Available!” Monday Night Football Open Thread

A partially-closed DeShaun Watson eye scans the NFL…

Fallout:

-Kenyan Drake is off to the desert. He’ll likely get the start on Thursday night because David Johnson is limpy and Chase Edmonds is gimpy. Somehow Kalen Ballage will vulture his only TD opportunity.

-Speaking of those Cards, guess which O has the lowest # of turnovers in the league at 4? Ya hear that, Danny TenCent?

-DL Leonard Williams heads to The Big Crapple for a 3rd and a 5th. It makes all kinds of not-sense, playing a fella for 8 games before his contract runs out. The Jets will be paying 80% of his remaining salary though. Twitter speculation says that the Giants have a verbal agreement in hand. We shall see.

-Other news out in the NFLsphere says that the Potato Skins are willing to listen to trade offers for Trent Williams-less than 24 hours before the trade deadline of 4pm EST. Look, I’m willing to dump on this witless franchise as much as any German scat kunstlerin is on the chest of a hairy middle-aged businessman but this is just a matter of returning some phone calls that were made over the last two months.

-Everyone marvels about the Pats “historic” D but San Franny is only giving up an average of 128 yards passing per game. Yeah, the Pats are in 2nd with 148 but the Niners average over the last 3 games has been 66.

TO THE GAME!

Fins/Steelers:

These guys are 2-10 combined. Abysmally average Mark Walton takes the helm as Miami’s go-to back. He’ll set the world or his offensive line on fire-there is no in-between! You’re here because your sense of humor veers toward the macabre or you’re behind in fantasy and need JuJu to come up with some points. Hell, we don’t discriminate here-think of DFO as a wide-open trench coat, inviting one and all to have a good, hard, lingering look at all the goods on offer.

I can’t hear any tippity tapping. But I can hear a police car siren. Gotta Go!

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
305 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Dunstan

I am experiencing this weird feeling. Like I’m not utterly ashamed of my team’s performance.

Gatoraids

I’m ashamed were blowing the 1st pick but would like to avoid Tua TBH

Redshirt

You may still get him. I’ve seem Mocks were Cincy picks either Burrow or Hubert.

Covalent Blonde

It’s a natural unease. My team is 7-0 and I am still uncomfortable with it.

herodotus450

2008 Lions are thawing out their champagne.

Gatoraids

They can afford 2 buck Chuck if they hav a coupon

hippofant

The thing about playing Fitzpatrick is that later in the 4th quarter, if it looks like they’re winning, the Dolphins could tell Fitzpatrick to throw interceptions on every drive to throw the game, and nobody would suspect a thing.

hippofant

EXCEPT ME.

hippofant

That was a Dolphin-esque tackling attempt from the Steelers there.

Doktor Zymm

The Dolphins did a really good job with their “competent team” Halloween costume!

Gatoraids

Someone in Pittsburgh must have opened up the Lament Configuration

Senor Weaselo

Evening lizard people. How shitty is this show?

hippofant

It’s… kinda okay so far?

Doktor Zymm

Not nearly as bad as I was expecting!

King Hippo

Miami is going full Major League and trying their balls off

Gatoraids

Some people think Preston Williams could be a big time player in the XFL one day

Doktor Zymm

There’s no way Rudolph would be starting if he wasn’t a Mason

Brocky

He’s an elk, a Mason, a communist, and the president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance for some reason

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Doktor Zymm

So THAT’s the kind of weirdo that wears a hoodie to a spin class!

Redshirt

It took him a bit to realize his bicycle had no seat.

Gatoraids

Seat was Joe buck who has the powers of 80s cartoon Turbo Teen cept a bike instead of a car

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is banner worthy; too bad it can’t be done.

herodotus450

After my weekly trip to the bdsm club, I too usually have a Maison Rudolph.

Doktor Zymm

The 3 people who started the Miami D are SO HAPPY YOU GUYS

King Hippo

I was just thinking that someone, somewhere had the bollocks to do so.

Gatoraids

Heard some people have a fetish to start the Dolphins D but then die after the act

Redshirt

That’s not a catch.

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Ben Roethlisberger’s in-laws, privately, to their daugher

King Hippo

/Price is Right failure horn

King Hippo

all ur holding are belong to us!

Gatoraids

Something awful

Doktor Zymm

How much of a favorite are the Yinzers in this game?

King Hippo

It was like 16.5 when I done my 8-to-1 moneyline bet

Gatoraids

Fins still have to get past Gase’s revenge loss to the dolphins

Doktor Zymm

I know they have infinity % more wins than Miami, but that seems high to me

King Hippo

to me also. Mason Rudolph shouldn’t be favoured by that much against a CFL side

King Hippo

Will Flores get fired if he wins this game?

Beerguyrob

Washington still has the tie-breaker.

King Hippo

After the home win v. BUF, then

Gatoraids

We have not yet begun to fail

King Hippo

Mad at myself for not putting $50 ATS, too.

Gatoraids

I tell you the Dolphins have been fumbling toward ecstasy

King Hippo

that’s beautiful, man

Gatoraids

Figured Sarah McLaughlin could do another animal cruelty PSA with the dolphins highlight reel anyways

Gatoraids

If Mrs Rivers isn’t pregnant now she will be by end of night for that pic

Doktor Zymm

Aw man, NFL Family Feud is a horrible reality show just waiting to happen

King Hippo

Your barren-ness is an offense before the LAWD! – Philip R., El Cajon, CA

Redshirt

“Its a good thing Roethlisberger is here, showing Rudolph what to do.”

Rudolph promptly forces it in.

Doktor Zymm

So this will actually be the first time this season I’ve been able to watch the first half of MNF, as my horseback lesson was cancelled due to the poor air quality from the Sonoma fires. And this is what the NFL has to offer me…

Senor Weaselo

Zymm is fluent in white people, Hamptons lacrosse Taye Diggs.

King Hippo

Blood sugar, baby. It’s magic! Fitz-magic!!

King Hippo

oh yeah, let’s do this fuck you, dolphin!

LemonJello

We get Shitzmagic time tonight?

Doktor Zymm

Welp, that was a good time to tune in

Gatoraids

Howard getting traded at commercial break

Gatoraids

Punt in under a minute delicious

King Hippo

at least Trent, I mean Mason won’t have trouble wiping his memory of that toss

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Where are the heroes?

comment image

Mr. Ayo

h
ttps://i.imgur.com/y7zrTJP.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are you kidding there’s an entire subreddit, basically: https://www.reddit.com/r/JuliaRose/

Redshirt

What’s a reddit?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I see 3 people that have “snitch” written all over their reactions

Brocky

Oh there were semi famous before that happened?

Honestly takes some of the charm out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Heroes do indeed sacrifice.

King Hippo

that is what my buddy was trying to get me to google (WS boobs)

WCS

I sincerely apologize for this “game.”

Gatoraids

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Kellen Clemens, trying to get himself a pity date

theeWeeBabySeamus

I just spent 10 absent-minded seconds trying to plug my phone charger into my remote before I realized I was holding the remote, not my phone.

Spoiler Alert: It didn’t fit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

Don’t give Hollywood any ideas.

Brocky

…and tin man is iron man? That’s fucking awesome

rockingdog

comment image

rockingdog

Also
“Remember when the president of the United States got boed at the WORLD SERIES?”

Thats hilarious……

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It has been the highlight of my week. If I’d been there I’ve have shredded my vocal chords in my enthusiasm.

King Hippo

I have a $15 bet (8 to 1) on fuck you, dolphin! winning this scheisse porn liveshow.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

Balls, I’m sorry…

PornHub search: scheisse

Gatoraids

Now the Rooney’s will allow a high school football team on field to play the Dolphins tonight

LemonJello

Hey! Those kids at St. Ignatius’ School for the Blind And Crippled earned their roster spots!

Gatoraids

Dolphins starting a back named Walton too rich for this Dollar General team

Gratliff

https://deadspin.com/the-balls-deep-hater-s-guide-to-the-top-25-5036795

15. Virginia Tech

Awesome campus-wide alert system you people have. Apparently, the only security alarm in Blacksburg is a guy hollering atop a donkey

Gratliff

Hard to believe there was once a hardcore porn site linked in its header

King Hippo

was so long ago I can’t even recall my handle. I mostly discussed/defended the #BFIB there, methinks.

herodotus450

I posted my manifesto there but the mod-zis took it down! Too much so-called “calls for violence.” Is this America or not, I said t them.

Fronkenshteen

Pretty sure Deadspin is a done deal. They’re all just openly shitting on their employers now, in print. Hope Petchesky lands on his feet if it blows up.

Gratliff

Easier to let it go than to see what they’ve turned it into
comment image

King Hippo

I haven’t even read Drew’s stuff in the last 3 years or so. Though his books are great.

rockingdog

whats drew magary gonna do?

King Hippo

vegetate?

/but seriously, BUY HIS BOOKS, they good

herodotus450

Are the Fins still tankifying? I’ve sent word to my Swedish supermodel friends just in case.
/OK they actually only Norwegian supermodels.

Fronkenshteen

Oh this game is going to stink.

rockingdog

the dolphins uniforms are nice?

Gratliff

Into S2 of The Strain now and very disappointed to see that they turned the son into Carl but for Vampires.

Porky Prime

ALUCORAL!!!

King Hippo

It gets worse. I bailed before the last season.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I quite liked the show, but the last season was the worst. They had to cram too much into it and felt suuuuper rushed.

ballsofsteelandfury

Alright, we might as well get started early: Hit me with your best Pornhub search terms!

ballsofsteelandfury

Done!

BC Dick

honey boo boo dumpster diving

Porky Prime

Civil war reenactment Asian

ballsofsteelandfury

I like this.

King Hippo

Cards buddy tried sending me a link, but wouldn’t work w/o FB (je refuse!). But he said search “WS Boobs” and so maybe you should dae it?

King Hippo

I had a long migraine nap this afternoon, so I am here for the many wonders this shittasrophe has to offer.

Fronkenshteen

Do you get the starbursts in your peripheral vision? Hate those.

King Hippo

I used to get a revolving blind spot (when it got between my eyes, alarmingly painful). Now I get MOAR headaches, just not quite as bad. This one just basically shut my brain down (and the Imitrex got me to sleep).

Gratliff

Well, it should be an easier list for Lietch to put together in a few weeks
https://deadspin.com/decade-retrospective-who-had-an-awful-decade-5405300

rockingdog

found a funny:
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

ballsofsteelandfury

This is very true.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah but he wasn’t a quitter like Andrew Luck.

Porky Prime

“I could pick up 20 Jawas outside Mos Eisley and they’d have this thing done in half the time for one-third the cost. And better quality work! Fucking Exhaust Port Union…”

1 2 3