In honour of the Iron Bowl (MOAR below), check out this amazing new tune by the Cats who gave you 2018’s Hippo Song of the Year (“Tinseltown Swimming in Blood”):

Isn’t that righteous?  I haven’t heard awesome bass like that since Peter Hook (Joy Division and New Order).  It sure sticks in the mindspace, at least it do mine.

Sickeningly, Marco Silva remains Everton manager.  As you all likely heard, Arsenal’s Unai Emery won that hotly contested three-legged sack race with Ole and the aforementioned Silva.  PLEASE pass over Mikel Arteta again, Gooners.  Everton needs him.  But the Lesser Footy must go on.

I wouldn’t recommend using an alarm, but if your body clock gives one no choice, then City away to Barcodes (7:30, NBCSN) leads off Saturday’s slate.  Once the signal separates from the noise, methinks Newcastle will emerge as the worst side in the Premiership.  Deffo relegation fodder, just so much instability and incompetence at the board level.  City need to get their arses in gear.

Mourinho gets his first home match against yeah right’s (and this week, humanity’s) Cherries, unsurprisingly getting TV coverage (10:00, NBCSN).  Bournemouth have slipped to 11th, though that is just one position below Spurs.  Could be competitive.  You get the rare double of two leading sides shuffled off to Gold, though I ain’t watching Redshite/Trashbirds, nor Chelski/Hammers.  You might disagree, free(ish) country.

Spotlight dance to compete with the Big Game?  Watford at Soton (12:30, NBC).  Uh…thanks but no thanks.  Saints another side that’s going down, and Watford is one of the “leading” candidates to be #3.

Sunday Funday brings you an NBCSN doubleheader of Arsenal/Norwich (9:00) and Villa away to United (11:30).  Fuck that noise, Gold is where it’s at.  The always entertaining Wolves host shit hot Team Knifey early, followed by my shitshow Toffees away to Foxy Footy (who are a completely fraudulent 2nd).  I mean, I get why NBCSN made the choices they did, with managerial merry-go-round music in the air.

Your last full JV slate of the 2019 season…

tOhio State (-8.5) at Michigan (Noon, Fox)

Most folks are already looking forward to B1G championship matchup with the MN/WI winner.  But surely the Wolverines would love to upset the apple cart (and maybe shut the B1G out of the playoffs completely).  That said, I don’t think Lesser Harbs nor his team are at all good.  Buckeyes roll.

Georgia (-28.5) at Georgia Tech (Noon, ABC)

Yes, the Bees (trying to recover from the Paul Johnson late-era talent gap) are that shitty.  Yes, they still beat NC State.

Indiana (-6.5) at Purdue (Noon, ESPN2)

Yet another road favourite in a rivalry matchup, but this one might be vulnerable.  Purdue just playing for pride, but that might suffice.  Plus fear of the uber-rapey Purdue Pete.

Alabama (-3) at Auburn (3:30, CBS)

This could be Gus Malzahn’s last Iron Bowl, and his side have enough to beat Tua-less Bama.  This game is always physical as fuck, and might not involve much passing.  No, Alabama does NOT belong in the playoffs with a win here.

Wisconsin (-3) at Minnesota (3:30, ABC)

You get not one, but TWO great matchups in this viewing window.  Vegas is on the Narrative of Bucky Badger having “been there before.”  But Row teh Boat has a really good coach, homefield advantage, and likely some FUN ASS WEATHER!  I am gonna say we get sommet good in the B1G for a change, with Minny and tOSU playing for the playoff berth next week.  No, they should not both be in if Minny beats tOSU.

Oregon State (+19) at Oregon (4:00, Pac-12)

How great a rivalry name is “The Civil War?”  And neither wears grey to let the ProudBoiz know who to support!  I have long been favourably disposed towards Niiiiiiiiiiiice Beaver, but they really fucked me in GAMBLOR last week.

Texas A&M (+17) at LSU (7:00, ESPN)

TAMU narrowly missed fucking up UGA’s post-season hopes last weekend, now they get to go to Death Valley and keep Orgeron’s bunch from clinching a playoff berth (they could lose this week or against UGA in the title game, but not both).  I don’t see it, but stranger things have certainly happened.

Iowa State (-4.5) at Kansas State (7:00, FS1)

Both sides are 7-4, and I just have a hunch this one will be fun.  Fun is still why we watch, after all.

Colorado (+28.5) at Utah (7:30, ABC)

Team Secular Big Love have been a machine (other than their bedshitting against the Troi Boiz), and worked themselves into a playoff contender with their November body of work.  Methinks the locals will revel in some national spotlight time, and the Buffs will offer little resistance.  Utah/Oregon should be a fun title game, too.

Oklahoma (-13.5) at Oklahoma State (8:00, Fox)

Notice that I haven’t been talking much about Steerfuckers North and their playoff chances.  They should have lost at home to TCU last Saturday, and they are going to lose the Bedlam Game.  Perhaps by a considerable margin.  Glass jaw Schooner meets the paddle-wielding freaks of BDSM State.  Res ipsa loquitor.

Arizona (+13.5) at Arizona State (10:00, ESPN)

Your last Tweaker Fix of the season involves a bad Bear Down FOAR Midterms squadron facing a team that won its Superb Owl last week (thankfully knocking Quack Attack out of the playoff picture).  Sparky isn’t that good, and if their Cactus Men rivals haven’t quit, the door is open for upset city.

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Balls’ La Liga Minuto

Barça won its Champions League game this week at home against Borussia Dortmund and sealed first place in what looked to be a very difficult group.  While that may sound impressive,  the wolves are out in Barcelona and it is being said that if they lose against Atlético Madrid this weekend or in the Clásico two weeks from now,  Valverde will be gone.

Truth be told,  it’s probably a good idea.  The  team just hasn’t looked sharp and has had too many periods of inattention where they allow other teams to dictate the game. This is the kind of thing that has eliminated them in the Champions League the last two years and has led to dropped points in La Liga this year.

Messi is still a genius and has saved Barça’s hide this year many times. However,  that’s not a sound longterm strategy.

On the other side of the country,  Real Madrid has also failed to impress yet they are also qualified for the Champions League knockout stage albeit second in their group. They are tied on points with Barça for first place in La Liga. The main difference is that Zidane just got rehired and is not feeling any pressure.

As for Atleti, they must win this weekend to have any hope of contending for La Liga. Sevilla is a surprising third and is on a roll.  If they continue this way,  they could take advantage of the Big Two’s struggles.

To sum up, it’s going to be a great December to watch fútbol en España, a land of contrasts.

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