Deshaun of the Dead: Sunday Night Game Open Thread

So I’ve been on the road all day and have relatively little firsthand knowledge of what the shit went on this afternoon. A brief (aka halfass) recap after this important message:

WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ok. I’m good. I’m cool.

So the Bills (WOOOO!) handed the Iggles a golden opportunity to pull even with the hated Dallas Cowboys (BOOO!) by beating the ever-loving snot out of the latter in front of God, Jerral and everyone. In typical Philadelphia fashion, they took this wonderful gift and fucking trashed it.

#Justice4HitchBot

Seriously. You Cheez-Wiz-Loving mutants don’t deserve the gift win the Bills gave you earlier this year. The fucking Tanking LOLfins just embarrassed you. I for one welcome the first 6-10 division winner. #NFCLeast.

Not that it will help Philadelphians’ cherished inferiority complex and (justified) sense of self-loathing, but they actually didn’t have the worst day out there today.  Cincinnati and the re-ascendant Ginger Dalton finally got on the winning side of the ledger after 11 straight losses against the Jests. Carolina in turn allowed the Redacteds to run all over them (in every sense of the word) at home. Jerry Richardson must be rolling over in his grave to have his beloved Panthers beaten by a team whose mascot wasn’t even counted under the Three-Fifths Compromise.  Wait, he’s not dead?

There were a bunch of other games. Stay tuned for Hippo Thoughts.

ON TO TONIGHT!

P*TRIOTS v. HOUSTON “TEXANS” (8:30 Eastern, 7:30 DFO):

Let’s be honest: this is going to suck for all right-thinking, God-fearing football fans. Bill Belichick has Bill O’Brien’s number, as much or more as any of the rotten fruit of his gnarled, twisted coaching “tree”.  He’s 4-0, and O’Brien’s not going to pull anything new out of that gigantic pit in his chin.

As always, the 500s’ chances rest solely on Deshaun Watson’s shoulders. And as usual, those shoulders will likely spend a LOT of time on the turf. New England’s defense is just too good this year against an offensive line that has been problematic at the best of times. Look for Will Fuller’s knee to self-destruct in the second quarter, followed by Watson’s entire skeleton in the third.

Still, the light of hope flickers in the gale. Foxborough Delenda Est

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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Charge of the Light Brigade

All daytime TV talk show hosts make me unreasonably angry and I’m not sure why.

Sharkbait

Daytime TV is awful. That’s why.

Gratliff

Was Super Bowl LII the last we saw of Touchdown Tom? It seems like the Pats have been a boring grindy team ever since

King Hippo

he’d be fine if all them uppity receivers wud just due ur jerb

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I presume the Pats will come back because we can’t have nice things

Dunstan

That’s my assumption, too, but it doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying some angry Bradyface with my Thanksgiving leftovers.

Sharkbait

We’ve replaced Tom Brady with Marcus Mariota. Let’s see if anyone notices.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So, Saving Private Ryan, v.WWI?

tomsellecksmoustache

Does he save himself from an unwanted pregnancy?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Right toe dragged before right knee touched, that’s a catch.

Gratliff

If any part of the body’s out of bounds before the right knee comes down it isn’t

Gratliff

Irrelevant anyway!

Sharkbait

“Trailer arrives Wednesday”

Wasn’t that a trailer?

Gratliff

And it’s been out for a week

WCS

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Gratliff

Duel of the Fates is a fucking banger and I wonder how many people are angry at using prequel things to advertise new star wars things

Sharkbait

Best thing to come from those movies by far.

Charge of the Light Brigade

That is the worst looking bowl of Ramen I have ever seen.

Gratliff

Well this is fucking depressing

Charge of the Light Brigade

Still holding on for a Bills/Vikings Superbowl to usher in the apocalypse, as one of them would have to win, but neither of them can ever win.

WCS

Don’t break the good half of Drew’s brain.

Mistborn Impossible

When you have hot Cousins anything is possible

tomsellecksmoustache

Yeah, the Patriots will lose this game. And yeah, we’ll all celebrate this as a great moment in human history. But let’s not lose focus on the fact that they will still win the mother fucking Super Bowl and make all of us totally miserable in the most depressing phase of winter.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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WCS

Oh, God. Houston’s going to build a 28-3 lead aren’t they?

Sharkbait

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LemonJello

This dinner theater version of Gladiator sucks.

Gratliff

Bad tackling from NE? You hate to see it

Sharkbait

Who is operating the Rex Ryan™ Footcam on Watson tonight?

herodotus450

If the world were truly becoming more progressive, they would remake Mama Mia but with Belichick and his son as the protagonists. He only has the bye week to figure out which milf is his mother, and he has to navigate Belichick’s terse one word answers before they have to go on to Cincinnati.

WCS

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Viva La Tabula Raza

GOAT SCRAMBLE! God that looks funny as shit.

Sharkbait

He runs like a wounded gazelle.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Wounded Giselle? What, does she got blood coming out of her wherever?
—Der Fuhrer

tomsellecksmoustache

But how does he kiss? Deep and passionate.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Actually, I am put more in mind of an aging, lame giraffe.

Gatoraids

Going to reveal Patriots partnered with scorscese to apply CGI deaging to Brady on the off-season like a real Irishman

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if Steve Belichick grumbles like his pop.

Gatoraids

He can only grimble so far and Chase after the infertile

Gatoraids

Steve Bellicheck looks like he worked at Steve’s House of Karate before his dad hired him

Gratliff

4 days off in a row and I never want to go to work again. I love what I do and I would take the option to not wake up for 150% of the time. Can’t wait til Christmas where I was able to get two full weeks off by burning all of 5 days of vacation. Fun thing about working in education is that you have seemingly unlimited PTO. I’ve got like 30 days of sick time banked after only 3 years. (You can get 150 days max from accrual. This seems fucking ludicrous to me, but I used to work for a place that started you at 0 and you could earn 2 HOURS per month if you weren’t late or absent at all for said month, so fuck all that noise.) What happens is us tech types could make 50-300% more in the private sector, and the administration knows it but can’t afford it, so they’re just like “Fuck it. work whenever you want.” instead.

Viva La Tabula Raza

SUDDEN CHANGE!

King Hippo

If NE could just lose here, to KC, and BUF – they’d be stuck in the WC round!

WCS

SUDDEN CHANGE

King Hippo

Brady is garbage, the weak link of this squadron. I hope for off-season fireworks.

Sharkbait

Just wait until Tua falls to New England in the draft.

King Hippo

oh God, you’re right

WCS

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Gratliff

It’s gonna be the Manning’s last season bullshit where he plays the worst game of his life and gets another title

Sharkbait

Fuck Peloton with all the dirty laundy that is hung on those bikes all across the country

Gatoraids

Their new Cyberbyke angular dedign will have twice the laundry capacity and a hot and dry spin cycle

WCS

If someone gifts me a Peloton this year, I’m gifting them anthrax next year.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Why wait? One of those “vengeance is a dish best served cold” things?

Gratliff

They started end-of-lifing early models this year due to not wanting to support older displays. Very funny to me.

Sharkbait

Exercise bikes getting EOL’d is peak consumerism

Gratliff

Terrible marketing decision, really. I was starting to wonder if it might actually be a good idea and they made it very obvious that it wasn’t.

tomsellecksmoustache

Look at the rich guy with places to hang his clothes, like a closet. I bet you own both types of peanut butter.

King Hippo

Think of all the moneys Will Fuller must save on shampoo.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Why the hell are they playing the Cars for bumper music? They’re in Houston, not Boston. Let’s hear some ZZ Top.

King Hippo

We had some nice PE to start the night

Viva La Tabula Raza

Out in the garage and missed that.

King Hippo

“Shut ’em DOWN” for y’all’s defense

WCS

How bad does he have to be for Baker Mayfield to lose these commercials.

King Hippo

today…was pretty bad. But apparently one’s throwing hand is fairly important in the passing game.

LemonJello

Mike Glennon?

King Hippo

TOO SOON, Abed!!!

Sharkbait

At the rate New England is going through kickers, I expect Bill Peters to get a call soon.

Unsurprised

This one is my favorite for some reason.

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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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King Hippo

I knew Joe Thuney was gonna be a difference maker, WHY did Belicheat have to draft him??

King Hippo

Thank fuck I ain’t need to stay awake for fantasy, can already tell a shitshow is brewing.

Sharkbait

Late bailout flag #1

rockingdog
Sharkbait

…The fuck is wrong with people.

King Hippo

Don’t ingest enough healthy paint chips! – Ezekiel E., Arlington, TX

tomsellecksmoustache

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LemonJello

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Unsurprised

I was going through an old magary tweet replies and found this from thee breakdancing falcon guy.

Oddly enough there was only one reply and it was from this July.

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Unsurprised
Sharkbait

BRING BACK MATT

WCS

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LemonJello

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King Hippo

So very beautiful, and not at all like a bird!

Nice ugly win today, for your side and mines!

King Hippo

Grumblelord already in Buttchinski’s head, 3 plays in. This does not augur well.

Sharkbait

Sup

LemonJello

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rockingdog

yoooo

Spur

Come on Swamp and Valley Texans. Do it US.

Spur

Make fun all you want but Dallas is a taller midget then Philly. It’s a fact.

King Hippo

Also, guess who is in 3rd place and rising? D-O-N-K-S HAIL BLEERGH WOO!!!!!!!

rockingdog

found a funny:
So help me God if these chestnuts were roasted on a closed fire i will lose my fucking mind

rockingdog

hats off to da bills for getting the W
Now the pats….what that #1 defense gonna do?

Col. Duke LaCross

A fucking Bloomberg ad? Really? Who is this shit for?

LemonJello

Bloomberg’s ego.

Unsurprised

A cfl bulb burnt out in my bathroom and I now look forward to dying of brain damage

Unsurprised

No. I’m going to get Mercury poisoning from my goddamn lightbulb

yeah right

What a fucking weekend.

Dude, my neck is so sore.

SLAYER!

King Hippo

Welcome to the club!!

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