Hippo hopes y’all had a nice weekend.  There was no FITBAW on Saturday, which sucked ass.  Next weekend will be better that way.  Also, I had a killer migraine all day Sunday, which really dampered my enjoyment of Everton taking a nice point at Old Trafford.  It also impacted my ability to focus during the games, so my observations are even more scattered than usual.  Such is life.

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of The Immaculate Suzy, Rev. Mayhem presiding]

Oh dear heavenly Jeebus, there was SO MUCH SNOW for Chefs/Donks WOO!!  Fluffy and abundant. [Like me!] It didn’t seem to impact Mahomes-y very much (sore thumb and all), but Drew Lock had a rougher go of things.  23-3 is your final, and really it’s fine – we need to somehow knock the P*ts down to the wild card round.  This will require Buffalo doing a good, so…don’t hold your breath. [Bite me, Donkey Boy]

Team WKRP looked like they might avenge the violation of their sideline virtue…for almost an entire half!  Then, it fell apart.  Red Rocket [soulless ginger retread Andy Dalton] threw like a million pickerceptions (one for 6 the other way), undoing all the good work done by their defense and our pal Beatie Mixon.  [He’s not really our pal. Joe Mixon beats chicks]. That P*ts offense?  [Fuck those guys] Still could use some fixin. [Leave it broke. Fuck those guys with a selection of Tom Brady’s Dildos] Again…don’t hold your breath.  34-13, Baddies. [BOOOOOOO]

DonT sagely raised worries that the national spotlight would disrupt the magical Erotic Smashmouth mojo. [Hey There/You’re an All-Pro/Get Your Game On/Get Laid!]  El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] played well despite not being able to practice all week – but the rest of the foundation crumbled.  [So hard you’d think it was run by a Trump] It’s hard to put into words just how schizo the 500s [Houston Texans, somethingsomething pornstar] are from week to week.  Just don’t bet on them.  [A third-tier Slovak soccer match? Sure! But the Texans…]  24-21, and they will clinch the division with a win at Tampa on Saturday, or the home re-match Week 17.

Those MRSA folk? [Tampa]  Somehow up to 7-7 on the season, surviving a near meltdown against the Cuck Liouns [Detroit].  Rapey Jameis [Winston, who is rapes people] threw for over 200 yards (and 2 scores) in the first quarter alone.  Don’t worry, he still uncorked his trademark, unfathomably stupid, pickerception.  But he done won lots of fantasy leagues. [Fuck that guy] Some guy named Perriman scored three fucking times.  Look forward to focusing on their weird shitshow for a full game next weekend.

I barely made any note of Green Bay/Chi****, other than that it was apparently weenie shrinking cold.  [Truth] Even for Wisconsin in December.  A.A. Ron and pals ran out to a 21-3 lead, then held on 21-13.  Rather than a Hail Mary, the Bearistocrats! ran a fun Stanford Band play at the very end [they got banned from the State of Oregon?].  Made it inside the 10, too.  It was fun.  Packers clinch the playoffs, though they have almost zero chance of doing anything once there.  Just not very good, and they have this weird, bored aura about their play. [Green Bay Cutlers?]

Minnesota kept pace (and also virtually clinched a playoff spot), running train on the very sad and very old King Laserface. [YAAA BETTAH ASK SOMEBODDAAAAYYYY what “running a train” means]  39-10 was the final, and I think Clippers du Merde [San Die…er, Los Angeles Chargers] made at least 7 turnovers.  It’s too sad to bother looking up.  [Holy crabs, he’s not exaggerating- 4 fumbles, 3 INTs] Dalvin Cook got hurt, and that would be a dagger to their spoiler hopes fo sho.  Vikes host the Pack on the Week 16 MNF finale.  Ho, ho, ho.

What about the top of the NFC?  Well, they looked a lot less convincing this week.  The SeaTruthers somehow gave up 24 points to the Kyle Allen Black Panthers, and nearly blew a 20-point lead. [WOOOO!] But 30-24 is how it ended [BOOOO!], in front of several hundred bored Charlotteans.  Man, that team really is [Christian] McCaffery and fuckall else.

But that wasn’t nearly as bad as the “Hangover Week” home game for the Tomsulas [San Francisco, Jim Tomsula Head Coach Emeritus].  They lost. [Bwahaha] To the fucking Falcons. [BWAHAHAHAHA!] Baby Shanny’s [Lucky Sperm Club Vice President Kyle Shanahan’s] offense looked more like a disjointed, abstract painting than a complex symphony.  On 4th and 1 near the 2-minute mark, Santa Clara elected for a FG to extend the lead to 5.  Would they have done so if [kicker Robbie] Gould had made an earlier extra point, which would offer the safety of a 3-point lead even if they went for it and missed?  The world will never know.  But Atlanta had the winning touchdown reversed (rightly) by replay, then a last-ditch “short of the plane” call (also rightly) reversed.  The ensuing bouncy kickoff was muffed all the way to the end zone, making for a final score of 29-22.  I call attention to ATL rightly taking a knee rather than actively going for a conversion at 23-22 – just two seconds remained, and the only desperate hope their opponents had was to block a kick or force a loose ball, and run it back for 2 the other way.  Just because an advantage is small doesn’t excuse you from taking it.

The refereeing was waaaaayyyyy worse across the bay in Oakland.  A late first down scramble ended with the QB sliding – clearly in bounds – with 2:05 left.  But the refs ruled him out of bounds (he kept sliding, due to the laws of physics – but was down by rule when the slide STARTED).  [Remember SI for Kids’ column You Make The Call? That was awesome] This completely turned the game – JAX had only one timeout, so OAK could have run the clock all the way down to like 25-30 seconds (then likely punted) if the clock had run to the 2-minute warning.  Gruden TRIED challenging…but it was not reviewable. [THIS GUY GRUDEN, I CALL HIM “THE REFS” BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW HE RULES EITHER]

Now, Oakland still could (and should) have run the clock down to 1:15 or so.  But they threw on 3rd and 11 (incomplete), then opted for a long FG.  It missed, but the idiot Jaguras ran into the kicker.  5 yards later…he missed AGAIN.  16-13, and a short field for the tying FG.  But Minshew Magic’d the Jaguras like a knife through dumbfounded butter, scoring a TD with a full 30 seconds to go.  Another dumb penalty (pass interference on a deep shot to midfield) and a completion to the 40-ish led to two Hail Marys, but neither was answered.  20-16, and the last game in Oakland is a complete fuckery loss.  Ouch. [Hurray for metaphors!]

The ‘Dacteds played spoiler effectively for about 58 minutes, then melted at the very end. [Washington Racist Name Football Team. Fuck those guys too]  An actual, for-reals Iggles WR made a great catch for a late 31-27 lead.  WAS made it inside the PHI 40, with 6 seconds and a timeout left.  But a Philly blitz hit home, and I guess Haskins forgot about the timeout, opting for a lateral to nowhere. The defense unnecessarily ran it back for 6, and the most backdoor cover you will ever see. [Giggity]  Don’t gamble, kids.  Nah, just kidding.  HAIL GAMBLOR. [Hail Gamblor!]

Los Gigantes [New Jersey Giants] celebrated Chase Young’s going back to school (and decimating their draft dreams) by getting a third win, 36-20 over the LOLfins.  Nobody really cared but Cincy, who got some breathing space at #1.

#ThePauls reverted to Pauls-dom [kiiiinky], getting clobbered in the desert.  Fuck, is that organization ever a mess.  When you give up 38 to the Qardinals (and only get to 24 thanks to garbage time), you got issues.  Oh, and Kenyan Drake scored four fucking times.  For some reason, AZ kicked a FG inside the 5 (with the game already out of reach) rather than letting him try for a 5th.  No fun assholes.

Oh, and RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! are well and truly ded.  OKC bomber [Lucky Sperm Club secretary Sean McVay], for some reason, risked injury to his starters deep into garbage time, making the final a deceptively close 44-21.  When you lose like that to Princeton Red [Jason Garrett] (whose crew fucked up the coin flip deferral phrasing, only to have the Shield randomly change their mind and ignore same at halftime), you got issues.  The late games were mostly liquid shit.

Finally, two good squadrons with wretched quartered backing faced off on SNF.  [It’s not wretched! It’s…um…freestyle] It was 7-3 at the half, thanks to much quackery and Brokeback-ing.  PIT couldn’t even punt right (though the placement kicker came through when called upon, getting them on the scoresheet).  Did you know Coach Epps has never won Coach of the Year?  He will this year, getting his side to 10, maybe 11 wins with a Tebow-calibre QB situation.  I quit paying attention, but no doubt the Yinzers at least kept their 10-7 lead.  [WOOOOOO! WRONG! WRONGGRONGWRONG! BUFFALO TRIUMPHS ON A SIDANDMARTYKROFTDOWN! PLAYOFFS!] GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. [WOOO!]