Banner Madness 2020: Yes, It’s Happening Again

Yes, it’s back, and not even in pog form! Who remembers last March where this was a staple every day, running me a little ragged and inadvertently flooding the site with more #content? (Which is why I originally wanted to put them on the sidebar, but it got bumped to the main stage.) Hey, it got enough love to get a sequel.

We’re doing a couple things differently this time around. For one, no seeds! Which means no 16-1 upset to piss off the “Selection Committee” of one self-important guy, but also means that that the comments themselves will shine, rather than where they’re ranked. This did mean I had to fire up the trusty random.org sequence generator to figure out what would face what when, but that takes much less time for someone who honestly doesn’t have a ton of it right now. We’re also going to compact everything a bit so it doesn’t take 16 friggin’ days to complete the first round. That was a bit excessive and I think we all had fatigue at the end of the first round. I know I did.

The selections? Actually fairly simple. There were 64 banner comments in the year 2019, so there was absolutely no work needed to be done there.

Cool, the Selection Committee did its job.

I do want to take this time to give honorable mentions to two non-banners, but important comments in [DFO] history. The first is from Porky, a lengthy response to Robert Kraft getting busted for paying massage parlor girls to make him bust.

To everyone’s knowledge this is the most upvotes a comment has ever gotten (+34), and certainly the most under the current format of voting that we can record.

The second is what we think is another first, or at least an extremely rare occurrence. A stickied post! Courtesy of the brains of resident hobocide expert, Scotchy.

So congratulations to them for being brilliant and/or extremely fucked up. And they may have banners in the competition too! You’ll find out when the tourney ends.

Anyway, let’s break into the stash. We open with four match-ups from the top of the GAMBLOR Regional. Numbers are based on chronological order of the banner comment, for my own bookkeeping.

64. “Only thing wetter than this Ravens-Steelers game is my wife seeing the Witcher in the tub.” vs. 17. “I haven’t seen this much scrutiny over a black man touching a piece of metal since the OJ trial.”

43. “‘I aspire to write as infrequently as this DTZM fella’ -George R.R. Martin'” vs. 27. “You’d think everybody would remember the name of the jockey who became famous for riding Cigar, but all everyone ever talks about when it comes to that subject is Monica Lewinsky.”

6. “LA is the trickle-down economics of sports: as an idea, it’s stupid, ignorant, and wrong. But every decade or so, it gets an awful lot of traction.” vs. 50. “THIS AARON DONALD I CALL HIM PEYTON MANNING IN THE TRAINING ROOM BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO DROP THE SACK ON YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL AND NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.”

56. “The Bengals have a bye next week. They’re three point underdogs.” vs. 36. “All this talk locally about the passing of Pat Bowlen and the affection of the players, coaches, and front office just goes to show you that one should go ahead and pay for a higher quality and more discreet massage parlor handjobs.”

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment. Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment. Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment. Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Let the polls… BEGIN!

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Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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Porky Prime

Like my old stand-up comedy instructor at the community college used to say: if you can’t be funny, be bitter and judgemental.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello

Al Davis’s new clone body needs a little longer in the nutrient tank.

Redshirt

I see FC Cincinnati is doing as well as you expect when the highlight of their offseason is the newly hired white coach getting fired for singing the n-word in the locker room in an effort to relate to his players.

Redshirt

Is this year’s tournament being fault under Karate Kid Part I rules where the defending champion has to refight the whole tournament or Karate Kid Part III rules where the defending champion has to wait until the end of the tournament to fight for the championship?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Every weekend, my mother and my niece end up fighting. Over stupid stuff. Why does this always happen, I ask? You’re a boy, you don’t understand, they say.

Yes, I do not. And I’m ok with that. Now shut the fuck up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I just sat on my own balls. It did not feel good.
Let this be a lesson to you, once you’re over 50 ALWAYS WEAR TIGHTY WHITEYS!!!!!! NO BOXERS!!!!!
(better support)

Don T

Boxer briefs for the win.

scotchnaut

You’ve met Roberto Duran-of course you’re pro-boxers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No Mas.

rockingdog
Redshirt

I’m not seeing much of Melissa Villasenior recently on SNL. Not sure if she in the outs or just can’t find a part to play.

King Hippo

Hippo screams into the void

litre_cola

Been chatting with the Cavs gaffer on twitter. He defo thought the Toffees were losing control and needed a reset at the half.

King Hippo

I bet he’s also pissed off at Pickford.

litre_cola

Probably a bit hungover after last nights meetup. He was singing songs and drinking with the rest of us!

Horatio Cornblower

Gonna head to the clinic today to make sure this probable bronchitis doesn’t turn into pneumonia.

Also to find out why it burns when I pee.

ArmedandHammered

If you would stop drinking lye, that would clear up by itself.

King Hippo

I am upset that Southgate is at Goodison, he’ll call up Mason Holgate. Best CB on the ball in the Prem, easily.

litre_cola

If it doesn’t kill you Corona virus sounds ok, I mean 2 weeks away from society.

King Hippo

I bought protein bars and venison jerky last night. BRING IT ON!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I almost made some venison jerky last night. Stupid deer, GET OUTTA THE DRIVEWAY!!!!!!

King Hippo

Being able to field dress a deer would be an excellent survival skill.

theeWeeBabySeamus

We’re gonna need a bigger freezer.

litre_cola

Maybe if you drank some of the damn vodka.

Horatio Cornblower

“If you can field dress a hobo, you can field dress a deer”
-Scotchy, probably

herodotus450

Carnuba Virus spotted in Oregon; it was nice knowing you, DFO: Pacific Northwest Chapter.

King Hippo

Keep wrapped up, Big Black Richard!

Old School Zero

I’m not dead yet!

Narrator: OSZ has been dead for 237 years

herodotus450

Contractually-obligated-to-end-before-April March Madness? Count me in.

ballsofsteelandfury

That Witcher comment cracks me up. I hope it goes far.

Horatio Cornblower

Agreed. And it’s not even mine!

scotchnaut

I’m confused. Is the wife in the tub or is the Witcher in the tub? It’s not clear to me.

King Hippo

Come on, you Blues!!!

scotchnaut

Soooooo… what is a stickied post and why is it significant?

/asking for a friend

scotchnaut

“It sticks to the top of your blog’s front page”. Okay then.

herodotus450

I got a few stickied posts in my stack of Sprots Illustrated magazines

scotchnaut

Cheryl Tiegs in a fishnet bathing suit says, “hey”.

/I think you know what that means.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZUAiSrHwAs

Horatio Cornblower

“Please sign this picture of you from my SI collection. Just try to work around the, uh, the, uh, water stains! Yeah! That’s what those are.”