Well, this is the first actual day of the outbreak with no sports on evening TV. I hope you’ve all got topics you want to discuss.
Me – I want to discuss how we’ve all let each other down.
Many times, in the comments, especially during the regular season, we’ve asked Balls if he wouldn’t mind researching the odd medical term for us on yonder biology related websites. And he has provided those answers, be they related to “bun length”, “furry road”, and the ever-popular “Miami back door cover”.
But where we were once in the vanguard of asking such questions, instead we have been beaten to the punch.
Yessir. The fine folks over at Cracked have followed up on the question asked by the weirdos over at Vice. Now, at [DFO] this type of query is normally reserved for killing time at the end of a Thursday Night blowout (pun intended). At first I thought Balls was the actual author. I mean, the terminology was accurate – “By March 4, 2020, a PornHub search for “coronavirus” produced 112 results.” – and the dedication to explaining the science bore all the hallmarks of a Balls Of Steel production
But then I saw that the Cracked post was written by a lady named Amanda, and the Vice post by a different lady named Samantha.
FYI – the most popular video so far (which I will not link to) is by a lovely young woman who goes by the moniker “Little Squirtles”, and is properly called “COVID-19 CORONAVIRUS: HORNY SLUT HAS TO USE PROTECTION DURING OUTBREAK!” Despite the wordiness of the title, it already has over 221,000 views since it went up about six days ago, which is a testament to trying to be both first & accurate in the field of science-related pornography.
In the approximately six-minute video, she is taught by someone claiming to be her step-father the proper way to interact with a gentleman during the COVID outbreak, and having watched this instructional video a number of times, I can attest that the entire production contains more scientific fact than your average Trump news conference. In fact, due to its popularity there are already a number of follow-up instructionals, including how to avoid touching one’s face and how to clean up unexpected expectorations.
As of yet, the official spokepeople for the porn health industry, the Free Speech Coalition, have not called for a halt to movie productions. But it is monitoring jurisdictions where performers shoot and/or travel, including LA County, and that it would call for a halt in production “if the public health authorities in one of these areas indicates that the spread of the virus has created a significant risk of infection to the general population.”
So, I guess what I’m saying is that we really need to step up the scientific inquiry in these threads. Or go play poker – I hear we have the site loaded up again.
Barring that, we’ll at least have Free Agency to talk about on Monday, right?
Debate Takeaway from a Conservative
Joe Biden thinks he the President we want.
Bernie Sanders thinks he the President we need.
Biden’s gonna win the nomination. He just has to take Bernie’s punches without hitting back so he won’t piss off the majority of his supporters. Sanders already was fighting an uphill battle and this Coronavirus thing hurts his case. In times of crisis, better the devil you know.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcFvy4mIow0&t=3m28s
What’s the fucking point? The people who buy this shit are dumber than he is.
Wait, really? If this were 2016 again, things wouldn’t be a lot better vs. Bernie’s proposal to address all of the shortcomings that have been built into our systems of … Fuck it. I’m going to be fine. Everyone can burn for all I care.
Being a loser and rewatching James May Our Man in Japan on Amazon Prime. I love that guy, for some weird reason that I cannot identify. I haven’t been to Japan since 1985, so there ain’t like any recent reason that I can identify with a lot of the shit he is presenting, but I still dig it.
You live in my head, rent-free.
Thanks, now when I start busting out laughing in a meeting tomorrow at work, I’ll either be thought of as a crazy person or I’ll have to admit it because I’m imaging a Dalek saying “EE-JACK-YOU-LATE! EE-JACK-YOU-LATE!”
Plus a clever Dalek number.
That is an awesome show and he does a great job with it.
What are three things that all fall down Alex.
Well done, Sir.
Moving from the city to the suburbs of a different, lamer city was tough. But now it sucks for everyone!
Moose, what have I told you about hacking into my webcam?
Three women? WOW! Great work!
Here’s mine:
Art transcends.
Meh. If they’re not playing poker, it’s not really art.
It’s an aftermath of a gamble.
Brain: “Don’t say it. Don’t say it.”
Should the black cat be the pawn instead of the bishop?
Brain:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xiWw5dwngc
In honor of those who sacrifice…..
Don Junior, Eric, and Stephen Miller really went to town on him, huh?
Good but Steve is fatter.
Losing your job can have that effect.
Now he’s spending his time traveling Europe stirring up/ commiserating with other nazis.
Just played poker with a few of the degenerates here…made $11,000ish and I can’t wait to cash out please no one tell me it’s not real money
Debbie Harry made a cameo in the show I’m watching (High Fidelity) and it reminded me of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiVl06I9StU
One more match of sexiMexi futbol, and then we are done. Bankroll on the Blue Cruises v Team America? Absolutely.
I’ve got a flagon of wine in front of me and some pasta sauce on the stove. I should be okay for the night.
A red I hope
Edit both to the wine and sauce.
I don’t know-a red flagon is probably a bad sign.
Alfredo sauce is crime against humanity. Garlic and butter is just okay. Red sauce the only real option.
No love for pesto?
Pesto is alright. I like it on a pizza designed for it.
If you like oysters, put some pesto on some shucked oysters and top with buttered breadcrumbs and broil until the breadcrumbs start to brown. Killer starter
Your ideas are intriguing, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Except the Patriots fandom thing.
Man, my basil won’t grow. I don’t know what the hell it wrong. I’ve got these tiny little seedlings and they just SIT THERE.
Try this newfangled thing called water. Took me five years trying to grow tomatoes, but then, “water”? It works.
I am insulted.
Ask tWBS whether or not I know how to grow things.
Yes on both.
Twitter has just turned into a running record of all the things Biden’s lied about tonight, but it probably won’t make a difference at this point.
I didn’t think his race with Trump was till November.
I feel like whatever super soldier serum they gave Joe at the beginning of the night to keep him on point is starting to wear off
The important question though, is does he still want to kill Dean Soanos?
I still blame Drew for endorsing Bernie.
Drew ruins everything; the Vikings, Deadspin, his brain…
he had that one weak round on Chopped to ,, ppl forget that
Not the expected Drew Chopped gif. Well done.
Was that the scene where they read the Thiel lawsuit?
My joke (on deadspin, I think) about that being Drew’s reaction when a black person on the subway asks him for directions is one of my favorite jokes I have ever made.
I never made it out of the grays on there. Oh well
oooooh, that woman VP commitment was a good touch.
I’m sure he already knows who it will be.
Sarah Palin? Geraldine Ferraro? Or some other kiss of death?
Trump can still win this, you know.
They should each cede 5 minutes to Sen. Warren, so she can shit all over Bloomberg some more.
That’d get the German vote.
after the break? PICTURES OF GRANCHILDREN!
Wonder if Mayor Pete is offstage with a COVID-filled super soaker aimed at Bernie
Oh, also of note, the stock market has been limited down (-5%) for the last couple of hours. I fully expect to open at the circuit breaker (-7%) and then would not be suprised if we hit another one by 10 a.m.
I’m going to have to work until the day I die. Who wants my stamp collection?
You know, I really would like to see these two wearing track suits for the debate. Maybe they’d be less testy.
Grateful Dead t-shirt granddad vs. Jimmy Buffett t-shirt granddad: WHO YA GOT!?
Deadheads are too mellow. Always bet on the Parrothead.
The Korean drama we’re watching now has a transsexual character. Which I think is a pretty significant step forward because previously the only social/identity issues they have addressed have had to do with aliens and ghosts.
Is it a transsexual alien or ghost?
Wow so they just jump all the way over to transsexual, eh?
I swear to God we’ve seen more people out and about in the neighborhood during these last two days (yesterday in the rain!) than we have ever seen during our daily dog walks. I hope it’s just people with cabin fever stretching their legs, but having to cross the street every time we see someone makes walking feel like a game of Pac-Man.
I could see someone re-skinning frogger.
Triggering mass death to own the libs
Other than dog walkers, I saw fuckall the one time I left the house this weekend.
I can neither confirm nor deny that I know Amanda and Samantha.
Yes, in the biblical sense too…
This is like those miserable old fuckers that are always sitting in McDonald’s on a Saturday for 4 hours arguing about the news
And the prices of things.
I think they need some debate cats, to calm themselves down. Who doesn’t like a nice kitty?
Maybe just a cup of chocolate pudding?
Or even a good chicken soup?
Could be warmer.
oh, Bernie has asked to speak to the deli manager. BUHLEE DAT!
Bill Cosby agrees
After the debate Joe and Bernie should sit down in front of their therapy fireplaces.
Frontispiece of Treasure Island. The map.
Gonna re-post this since it originally went up at the ass-end of the last thread, and it is vaguely current-eventsy. To those of you who already read it on the previous thread, my apologies.
So, went to my bud’s house with two bottles of 20 year old Barolo. Took two in case the first one was corked. It wasn’t. Neither was the second one, and it went down too. One was a bit drier than the other. Turns out the drier one was actually an import, which means sulfites. The second bottle, slightly less dry, was a hand-carry back by my buddy Burt from Milan, so no sulfites.
Stopped by the grocery store on the way to the NAPA to have my lawn tractor battery checked. Parking lot and the aisles in the store were much less crowded than when I was there at noon Friday. They restocked my favorite pretzels since I was there on Friday, so I got a couple bags of them and am now doing a food pairing with them and a pitcher of margaritas. Totally empty were the paper product shelves. I had earlier confirmed that I have several rolls and half rolls of paper towels in the garage in addition to a couple rolls in the kitchen, so good there, as well as 13 giant fat rolls of Charmin Ultra Gentle TP, so I’m good for clean butt for several months. Worst case, there is a hose bib right outside my bathroom window, so a garden hose bidet is something within the realm of possibility if things go that far south. They had water, some milk, limited supply of cheeses, zero eggs, no bread (though they had plenty of low-carb flour tortillas, so I picked up another pack of them, since they are already my go-to for whenever I feel like whipping up a breakfast taco). I didn’t think to check the sanitizer/cleaner aisle. I think the tsunami is over, few more days and thing will even back out. We went through the same shit with gas lines here in SoTex right after Harvey a couple years back. Too many idiots in this country, a fact that is borne out by who was chosen to lead this country.
Tractor battery had not taken an charge over the course of 18 hours, and proved to be gone. 54 bucks and I hope it fixes the issue, will check it out once it stops drizzling outside.
Party on, gang!
The only iffy thing will be how they handle fresh meat, dairy, and produce going forward. I think the rest will even out.
“to have my lawn tractor battery checked” is not a phrase I hear everyday in the circles I run in.
Maybe we can get Balls to do a Pornhub search.
This is how Nixon’s head eventually becomes President.
Everybody keeps talking about a Corona bactine, jack, and lemme tell ya, bactine always kept me fresh for parking the ol’ mustang with sally on the hill, and that shows you how timeless and timeless a good shave with barbasol is, but not the foam, the cream, and then, bam, old english leather, and you’re in, jack, guaranteed.
ha ha I have Bactine in my (American) medicine cabinet and I shave with Barbasol. Best foam ever.
If Bernie didn’t come out here like Warren against Bloomberg, there was no practical reason to keep these two on my TV
These fuckadoos are lucky I can’t get the Necaxa match on teevee
and HEY, he just told Diamond Joe “not quite true” so the claws are OUT!
Bernie came out on Wednesday like this would be a bloodbath and now they’re reminiscing giving their grandkids baths or some shit
He said ‘not quite true’? How does he get away with that shit?
For the poker minded, to find the home club, here is how to find the club:
Open the main poker lobby, then click on the Home Games
Click the ‘Join a Poker Club’ button
Enter the Club ID number: 3210828
Enter the Invitation Code: National Disgrace
Then I can approve you as a member
I’m a member, and now Sharbait owns my home! Thanks, DFO!
Only works on a desktop computer – key info
Works on my Dell laptop.
lol
Not on mobile apps, iPads, etc. A laptop is still a desktop environment.
But what it I lay my iPad down on top of my desk?
I guess you are technically correct, which if I understand the internet correctly (I am, after all, 60 years of age), is the best kind of correct.
Yeah forgot to mention that bit.
Boy howdy, both these old fuckers can only keep the same handful of paragraphs in their minds. You both have valid points, and I have heard you recite this way many, many times.
Watching them fuck each other up by referencing the wrong outbreak over and over is something else
Plus, ain’t nobody been out of the house much. Makes old people a little batty under normal circumstances.
lol
Thank god all my favorite cam models can still put on a show while isolated in their eastern european homes.
Wait, I meant, “twitch streamers.”
Wait, I meant, nevermind.
I don’t know shit about any other state, but state Unemployment Insurance might take care of you if your employer closes down for this like they should. Or if you are the boss. I suggest you look into what your state’s UI program does ASAP. If not for you, then for others.
Trading Places
Beverly Hills Cops?
I went through those already.
SELL 30 APRIL AT 142!
I haven’t been able to watch any sportsball and would very much be okay with this devolving into old man slaps/cross-contamination
I still think they should have played Mario Kart. Selection of Mario-verse character says a lot about what kind of President you’d be.
Not that you would ever pick it up but, “The Dawn Watch: Joseph Conrad In A Global World” has the distinctive feel of a Master’s thesis padded out into a book-length thingy. I very rarely give up on a book (maybe once every five years, maybe?) but I’m moving on.
Serious question: have you ever read Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson?
I don’t think I have. You recommend?
Drop all that other shit. You can get Treasure Island on-line for free. It is a remarkably quick read. The first time reading Treasure Island is one of the great journeys in this life.
Treasure Island got it going, but Treasure Ismand is really the best of the series. Treasure Isnand is mostly just fan service.
The McDonalds version of Treasure Ismand was pretty good too
ha ha your comment is nonsensical now
OR IS IT!?
So close
“The book ‘McTreasure Imland’ is brought to you by your good friends at Malk. ‘Malk’-it does your body a good!”
ha ha I fixed it
I actually have a plan to read nothing but “classics” for an entire year. She’s a long list-maybe Treasure Island will make it on there.
Read it tonight. Quit reading that other shit it’s useless and warps your mind.
Sorry Brick, tonight is old Penthouse Forum letters. You wouldn’t believe some of the things that happened to these guys!
Uh oh, looks like Scotchy has crossed the line into “conservative old crank who distrusts those filthy book lernin librals and their science.” Time to activate the self-destruct device personally implanted in every Canadioun by Jimmy Carter.
(pushes button)
(a hobo corpse buried in an unmarked grave explodes somewhere in rural Quebec)
Who’s the real Scotchnaut!!?
I onow the small town he lives in, lets just say I will be avoiding that area.
Ok. Schools and daycares closed. I have to stay home with Decilitre. Already told my wife I am going to need cigarettes or “TWO COLAS GO IN AND ONE COLA COMES OUT”
Goddamn, almost forgot about this guy
exploitation… of… a… crisis…
Who the fuck is this asshat?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78Ati7WnZBA
He’s got my vote!
Because he looks like a generalissimo in that get up. This guy is a small town sheriff? He looks like he’s in an opera.
Milwaukee is no Ann Arbor, but it’s pretty good sized.
It’s also the most segregated large city in the U.S.
He is as bad as Joe Arpaio and has his own death toll from letting inmates die of dehydration and other willful neglect.
Although it helps, it’s definitely not an absolute requirement that you be white in order to be cruel and evil. We do have Equal Opportunity in this country.
I think he used to play for the Leafs, so that’s really all you need to know.
/because it sounds like David Clarkson, you see
.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I love it when conspiracy theories aren’t even internally consistent.
“We hate public schools! Or as I call ’em, ‘government schools’! Because that’s where the government brainwashes our children! ”
(schools close)
“RE-OPEN THOSE GOVERNMENT SCHOOLS NOW!”
And.. exploiting how? Yeah, “the government” has cleverly concocted a crisis to crash the stock market and send the economy into recession, because… uh… the wealthy were tired of being rich, and with Bernie’s campaign failing this was their only way to lose money?
Wynn and Encore closing for two weeks starting Tuesday. If the strip goes dark, this may be whack.
They only closed for a day after President Kennedy was removed from office. This was keep the press and public attention on Oswald until he could be silenced.
I was only 4 when Kennedy got zapped, and therefore was not in school yet, but do remember being pissed off that Diver Dan (local [Sacramento-produced] kiddie TV morning show) got pre-empted for three days to show Kennedy lying in state and then the funeral. Fuck you, Blackjack, I want my cartoons!
I remember Diver Dan
Shit is now getting real. Gamblor can’t be praised when SexiMexi futbol is done after tonight. At least we got the Russkies.
I’m just going to once again recommend Counterpart on Amazon Prime. J.K. Simmons plays two versions of himself and he does it very well.
Gilbert Gottfried’s scene in Beverly Hills Cop 2 is hilarious.
Everything about this photo is terrifying.
Except the tits. The tits don’t terrify me. Well, okay, they do scare me a little…
In Montreal they’re closing the bars.
THEY’RE CLOSING THE FUCKING BARS
Until now this whole Cordoba virus has just been amusing because it was killing people I didn’t know. But this affects me, folks. This affects me.
Thai massages are no joke.
I went to this website. Down a rabbithole we go!
Finally, someone who deserves to get screwed over on that show