NFL BRADY NOOZ!:
- It’s the Bucs.
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- Two years at $30 million per season.
- The Chargers lost out because Brady apparently wanted to stay on the east coast for
Giselefamily reasons. - The Onion, of course, has it all in perspective.
Bucs Sign Replacement-Level Veteran To Hold Down QB Position Until They Draft Starter https://t.co/45iJ7eze4O pic.twitter.com/qMK96XV2TQ
— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 18, 2020
- Just after he goes, his center has left for the Dolphins.
- Ted Karras goes for one year at $4.0 million.
- Karras is the second starting offensive lineman added by the Dolphins in free agency, joining Ereck Flowers, and also is the second former Patriot to join Miami along with linebacker Kyle Van Noy.
Other NFL News:
- Since the league year started at 4:00, here’s what I was able to find:
- Nick Foles was traded to the Bears for a draft pick.
- Continuing his spiral into Sam Bradford territory, Foles was exchanged for a fourth-round pick in the 2020 draft.
- He spent one year with the Jags, got paid $30.5 million, and leaves with an $18.75 million dead cap hit.
- Continuing his spiral into Sam Bradford territory, Foles was exchanged for a fourth-round pick in the 2020 draft.
- To roil Low Commander, the Chargers are looking at Cam Newton, since Marmalard went to the Colts.
- It buys them time to better develop Tyrod Taylor, or allows them to cut Taylor & draft a future Cam replacement.
- Bruce Irvin is going back to the Seahawks.
- He left for more money in 2015, and makes his way back after stops in Oakland, Atlanta, and Charlotte.
- Eli Apple to the Raiders.
- His third team in three years, after being drafted by the Giants in 2016 & traded to the Saints in 2018.
- Nick Foles was traded to the Bears for a draft pick.
Today’s internet good dog is courtesy the President of Ireland, who’s Bernese Mountain Dog “Brod” interrupted an International Women’s Day event to seek him out.
The *cuteness*. Irish President Michael D. Higgins’ Bermese mountain dog Bród comes to find him at an official event. pic.twitter.com/YXesDv50Fk
— Barry Malone (@malonebarry) March 7, 2020
For those of you not into dogs, may I offer you some pussy?
https://twitter.com/Playboy/status/1240093038325596161
Over the line? Possibly. Some quality wordplay? Yes.
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- Free agency updates – NFLN; ESPN / TSN
- Wrasslin’:
- AEW Dynamite – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN2
- Their first COVID-impacted show.
- NXT – 8:00PM | USA
- Likely a clip show, given what’s happened on Raw & Smackdown.
- AEW Dynamite – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN2
- Classic MLB Baseball: ESPN Classic
- From 1984: San Diego at Chicago Cubs
- 8:00 PM | Game 1 of the NL Championship Series.
- 10:00 PM | Game 4 of the NL Championship Series.
- From 1987: St. Louis at Minnesota
- 12:00 AM | Game 6 of the World Series.
- 2:00AM | Game 7 of the World Series.
- From 1984: San Diego at Chicago Cubs
Tonight’s …entertainment?:
- Lego Masters – 9:01 PM | FOX
- The remaining contestants are given the opportunity to showcase their creativity when they are tasked with interpreting a story that is read aloud from a book selected just for this competition.
- America’s Top Dog – 9:00 PM | A&E
- Six winning K9’s and one champion underdog battle it out for 25K and the bragging rights for the ultimate title of America’s Top Dog.
- It’s like “American Ninja Warrior” for police & search dogs.
- Six winning K9’s and one champion underdog battle it out for 25K and the bragging rights for the ultimate title of America’s Top Dog.
So far, aside from closed borders & the melted value of the Canadian dollar, World War III seems to be progressing nicely on the home front.
Hope everyone had the chance to read the The Ringer’s version of P*ts Fans React Reasonably.
https://www.theringer.com/2020/3/18/21185159/tom-brady-patriots-buccaneers-boston-sports-talk-radio
Rick in Plymouth, who called Tuesday one of the “darkest days in Boston sports history.” “I’ve got no Bruins, I’ve got no Red Sox, now I’ve got no damn Tom Brady.”
WARST FACKIN YEER EVAH NO ONE DENIES THIS
I hate the sports fans in this city. SIX titles. SIX! Enjoy the ride fuckface. It wasn’t going to last.
San Antonio Spurs fans (self included, though I was not surprised when it happened) discovered this truism a couple years ago.
As a lifelong (since age 9 in 1968) fan, I’m so happy about the 19 years of success we’ve had this century. That being said, I’m also happy to see everyone come unglued over the inevitable demise of the “dynasty.” That includes my loved ones up in the ancestral homeland. Told ya, Billy; told ya, Chris,; told ya, Ollie; told ya, Chuck; told ya, Jack. The sun only shines on a given dog’s ass for a given amount of time, then moves on. Been telling them this since the mid 00’s when those boys were in their teens. Now I get to go “tolja so.” Get ready for some more 2-14 seasons. Nice szsygy for the twilight years of my life.
Disneykakke.
“The Goofy 500 started out as a NASCAR race but devolved into something else that was entirely different.”
“Not sure how to bet this one but I’m taking the under when Frogtown Comes to Hell in the second leg. I mean, that’s a no-brainer!”
-Hippo
What’s the home field advantage? Way better than the Chargers.
Apparently baseball is close to being back in Japan
and early reports from FedEx say demand is coming back in China.
Yay!
(Pulls jar of piss away from lips)
Oh? That’s… good.
Aged?
Lots of clever wordplay goes on at this site. If you appreciate clever, crackling dialogue, recommend that during this crisis you go spend 4 bucks on one of the streaming sites and watch The Lion in Winter. Fucking brilliant. Katherine Hepburn got Best Actress for her part, Peter O’Toole rocked the house as usual, first film appearances of Anthony Hopkins and Timothy Dalton. Just a fucking great movie. Might want to put on the subtitles, it is first and foremost a British movie.
Peter O’Toole is fucking gold in everything.
One of my favorites is Murphy’s War. Saw it in the movie theater when it came out in 71. He ended up married to the female lead. Brick Meathook would love the flying scenes. Worth a look.
Working from home on the couch is nice
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ETUOVFHXsAIUBTS?format=jpg&name=small
I will watch americas top dog
[is very upset that he does not even merit a mention]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa1fH0SvGPg&t=50s
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/0XR5biNOi-LZXwnW7qZxs_T-Wdzg7g9VCT9w-Aq5hfei2lkCaeBacYhnB8X_y6zllIYlOpJAriDLu7-CP3Mat2xnBLpiKKFlVOdp
2 weeks of iPlayboy for free? How can I lose?!
https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/03/playboy-magazine-is-closing-down-probably-for-good.html
I looked into that and then I realized that Pornhub exists and came to my senses.
In Britain, a “fanny” is the equivalent to “pussy” or “cunt” in America. A British woman I worked with In Kabul, who had previously worked in Atlanta and was putting her children through school there at the time, told me she was quite astonished when at a PTA meeting the announcer told everyone to “get their fannies in their seats.” See also, phone call between Daniel Craig and Sienna Miller in the movie Layer Cake. Even if you don’t give a fuck about fannies, watch that movie any way. It is fucking awesome.
That movie is why he became James Bond.
I would not hesitate for one moment to gainsay your postulation. I know when I heard he was gonna be Bond in Casino Royale, I got the 45-year-old man’s equivalent of a cinema stiffy, only because of I had seen Layer Cake. I loved that guy. Still do, sorta, but that Cowboy vs Aliens thing was an abortion, same as Lucky Logan. Dude, stop trying to do American accents, you suck at it. Just bang Sienna and Eva Green and your own damn wife and I will be happy to follow your film career.
Ginobili says, fuck you, bat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTHtL3NYb4Y
Second Congresscritter diagnosed. This time a D from Utah (Democrat from Utah? WTF?). Prediction: Martial law declared this summer, elections “postponed” indefinitely due to health risk, coronation of the new king 31 Dec, both houses of Congress dissolved 01 Jan 2021. Happy fucking new year, y’all.
Sheesh
My rep! UTCD4 in the house!
For an extended period of time.
This country deserves to die.
Pretty sure it’s fake; isn’t Lou Dobbs dead?
#TeamCOVID
True intent.
Colbert Report literally wouldn’t have a lane in 2020
There’s no doubt in my mind that the woman on the left is Harvey Weinstein’s daughter.
Who has two thumbs and just called Australia to get his Authentication Code for the Watch AFL app re-sent to him so he can catch all the action?!?
What would he say? Don’t be such a cocktease. We haven’t all seen all of the same thing all our lives, now, dammit.
THANK YOU! That will now be my mantra.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn1KkXBSLjA
Binging Succession. I hate all of the characters. But its a fantastic show
German, French, AND Spanish? In one curriculum? Localized entirely within this classroom!?
She’s not from the US.
That may be true, but at a moment’s notice from her, I would throw you and everyone else in here into the Boston Harbor in a heartbeat just for the opportunity to disappoint her in three minutes.
The joke was that in the US we are too stupidly xenophobic and arrogant that we don’t teach language for shit. That said; agreed, except three minutes? 27 seconds and that includes an apology.
I’m factoring in the 2 minutes 33 seconds of standing stiff (rim-shot) for being awe-stuck at what I’m seeing.
Yeah but then we’d have to hire more teach–
(notices Moose’s solid gold apple)
Oh, so it looks like Big Teacher got to you too!
“Golden Delicious.”
It’s crazy to me that all Jake Roberts had to do was get to a point where his blood had more plasma than cocaine to go back to cutting great promos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcmyM15cwBU
I have officially resumed drinking. Thanks, Monkish.
You are lucky it is not Priestish.
“What are you doin’?”
“Just hangin’ out.”
Is that Dorothy Parkour trying to scale the Algonquin Vertical Table?
Okay, that works.
The advertisements for all the restaurants have changed slightly since they were ordered to only do Take Out or Drive Thru orders only.
?w=640&h=351
So that’s why the fries smelled like shoe polish…
Well, you should not have gone straight for the powered doughnut!!
AFL TIPPING COMPETITION IS HAPPENING AGAIN!! FIRST GAME IS TONIGHT AT 1:40 AM PACIFIC!
APPEASE GAMBLOR AND JOIN US!!
HERE’S THE LINK:
https://mobile.footytips.com.au/competitions/?competitionId=401652
Put it on SLACK too Balls.
Done. On #gamblor
The Stillers signed the third Watt brother, who’s a GRITTY LUNCHPAIL FULLBACK, so the Yinzerdom remains unaffected by the disease.
They should be highly…….. charged.
Aunt Carol?
All my aunts are in their 70’s or 80’s, so I would never experience the confusion you are apparently experiencing. Well, maybe 50 years or so ago.
He is also having one of those deals that makes *certain* subjects and searches very popular on Pornhub.
The Algorithm is a perpetual fauxcest machine
Encouraged.
Looking at what environmental scientists are saying about the last few weeks, all we need is a few pandemics every year to undo global warming
The Earth Abides
—I am a geologist, with a degree from the University of Texas that says so.
Tomorrow, if I tell my boss to eat a rare cuntburger, and I get shitcanned, can someone get me a job?
How are you with small children?
Shit, that made me laugh.
AS long as I’m hammered, I’m really good with them.
“A little TOO much going on here if you ask me.”
-Pieter Bruegel
Uncle Fozz’s Day Care Center
That is really a fucking phenomenal response.
Hah!
My wife is so over the top right now, I’m looking otu from under. Huh? sorry been drinking since 5 fuck all this shit
5 AM or 5 PM?
Both.
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL MICK THOMPSON!!
It can be both…..
Exercise at home helps.
Also, swine flu was from Mexico, so it tracks
And wrong.
Well, there is something else at play:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPpoJGYlW54
Will not tolerate hit pieces on pangolins
I’m really surprised that Cornyn and his ilk may not inform themselves and come up with a measured and informed response.
He’d be happy if the US was deregulated as such.
A bunch of these species are endangered or will be shortly.
Who needs real animals when you can have mechanical ones, like in Blade Runner? Don’t have to feed them or clean up after them.
He didn’t mention Yurtle the Turtle’s “China Family”
Yet
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW4cSKWPre4
Waitaminnit, isn’t that guy even worse? Maybe I dreamt it, who could be worse than fucking Yertle?
That depends. What is your stance on killing miners?
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I am unable to view the image that you posted.
Hey people, I really hope everyone is safe with enough shampoo to get through this.
How many neckties are you wearing?
“I don’t get the reference.”
-David Carradine
“yes! oh yes! oh shit, wait! uggh gurgle gurgle”
-David Carradine two minutes later
Balls, did you see the AFL is going to still have the season but shorten it to 17 rounds? Wtf, mate?
I said that same prayer. Then Puberty hit me over the face with a 2×4.
You were lucky it wasn’t a scattergun like lots of kids.
Works for me!
I can fap to this…..
Is Bucco Brady original Photoshop work? Because that deserves an award.
Agree. That’s amazing hustle.
Sadly, I liberated it from The Ringer.
How does this not have all the +1s?
I love her too…..
Happy Weird Wednesday DFOlationists!
WW knows how to social distance.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the lasso.”
-WW
Related, also a reminder that I relate a lot to Poison Ivy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QyPWqP7bLo
Also:
Mook: “Get her! Without any plants around, she’s just a weak helpless woman.
Poison Ivy: “Uh, who has hands.”
(two headshots)
Poison Ivy: “And the Goddamn Second Amendment. Though I am for common sense background checks.”
Great news. My client contact told me that my operation will remain at full staffing levels for the time being.
Shit yes!
My job is uncertain, but we have a capability to produce material to make us an essential operation. It wouldn’t surprise me if we get an urgent order from some customers and start running it 24/7 on multiple production lines.
Some people may be stuck at home 24/7. We may be working 12-hours a day, 7-days a week, praying for COVID-19 to come and kill us all.
We’re the same, considered mission critical for launch support operations.
Just as long as that front door keeps opening, I’ll keep coming in.
I have two weeks vacation, one month of Emergency Money in Savings, and a fully stocked liquor cabinet. I’m prepared for the worst case scenario.
Trump is right. Calling the Coronavirus the “China Virus” isn’t racist as all. Its just words and words by themselves don’t hurt.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve had four Chili Dogs and now I gotta go take a massive Trump.
Well, we know you have LOTS of TP.
The Spanish Flu started in Kansas. Never underestimate the power of othering.
He meant Wedgwood Virus, but the name slipped his mind.
Make sure your robot is disinfected before you bang it.
I was kind of hoping the dog would do a leg hump, but a lass…..
“We like the fact that she’s farting in the baby’s general direction.”
-The French
TODAY’S CORONA FACT
Here’s the Corona spy satellite, which took stereoscopic 70mm pictures with swiveling lenses, processed the film on-board, ejected the film, which then did a fiery reentry into the atmosphere and was hooked mid-air by a special plane. 144 different satellites were launched. At first, the recovered film had fogged edges; this was due to a well-known phenomenon in photography where unexposed film is dragged across rollers and generates static sparks. This phenomenon was already called the corona effect. Weird!
It turned out to be useless, though, when every pic it snapped was that of a lime.
The coolest part was the retrieval by C-123 or C-130. They used a very similar technique in one of the Bond films, I want to say Thunderball but I may be mistaken and I ain’t gonna waste 10 minutes of my rapidly diminishing allotment of those same minutes to look it up.
ESPN’s Streak for the Cash is not quite at full GAMBLOR yet (on account of being free), but yesterday you could pick whether the first Mega Millions or Powerball or whatever number would be even or odd.
They have the first AFL game live (tomorrow at 4:25 AM EDT). I gots my W5 on the champs.
Same with cunnilingus. Just a little powdering of baking soda on the upper lip when done, and all evidence is gone.
Well, I like the glazed doughnut look so I can have an olfactory memory later.
Tastes like chicken, smells like fish.
They shut down the liquor stores in Pennsyltucky.
Time to dust off the still, cousin-wife.
Apparently some Florida Republican congressman is infected. From the article on Raw Story:
“Several other politicians have gone into self-quarantine after possible exposure to the virus, many prompted by interaction with an infected attendee at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC).”
Even if there were no COVID19, every single attendee of the CPAC is infected with something even more insidious than the Coronavirus. I call it Psychotic Conservatism, and I don’t think there is a cure.
CPAC19
Stolen, er Borrowed from Scrubs (“Our Story”)
Republican: “I just enabled Donald Trump to shape the country for decades, and now I got a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I got that Chronovirus thing.”
Democrat: “Its called ‘guilt’, you Vulcan!”
So, they sent out an email yesterday afternoon telling us that the Fitness Center located in our little USAF compound leased from Port San Antonio, formerly known as Kelly AFB, would close at 3 PM and clean out your lockers, boyz and gurlz. I did my Nostradamus impression and didn’t bother going into the orifice this AM. They announced the closure of ALL Fitness Centers across Joint Base San Antonio (which consists of Lackland AFB, Medina Base (where many nukes are stored), Randolph AFB, Camp Bullis, Camp Stanley (where a lot of bio and chem weapons are stored), and Fort Sam Houston (home of the black calvary Buffalo Soldiers, back in the day) at around 9 AM today, and we got the MAX TELEWORK email from the boss just past noon today, which was a little later than I expected.
So yesterday, while I was at the office, my phone started fucking up, just when it was becoming apparent to me that I was going to have to rely on it to do my job. Managed to stop by Verizon and have a new one overnighted. Received it by 1 PM today (I was pretty impressed with that), drove down to Verizon to have them do the switch (I’m sure I would have “OK Boomer you fucked that up” without the assistance of the youthful manager of the store). He told me several Verizon outlets in SA had already closed for the duration, his store was at minimal staffing, and business was down 55% from this time last year. Bonus: stopped off at the packy and added a couple of 1.75’s of Puerto Rico and Scotland’s finest to add to my hoard stash.
Shit is fucked up. I “replied all” to the MAX TELEWORK directive with a request for some direction from leadership and/or contracting regarding what we need to tell our construction contractors going forward. Do we expect them to continue to work in the field while the majority of us at the USAF Civil Engineer Center and the contractor’s management staff are able to telework, or will there be some kind of forgiveness mechanism put into place if the field management, laborers, and trades are not willing to show up due to the risk?
The End Of The World As We Know It is at least interesting, if nothing else.
“MAX TELEWORK” is my nom de plume.
(That means “name I use when I pay for tranny-handies”)
“Hey, you stole my gimmick!”
—signed
Anyone else eyeing the Guatemalan Primera Division matchups tonight? Have my eye on Petapa to win both halves.
“‘Who isn’t?’ is the more salient question.” -Hippo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqPlb5PLBvg