[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

Log In

Most Glorious Return and Regerts FOAR 2028-29

King Hippo

/

, ,

Banner pic is changed, due to the triumphant return to Apex of one Kruger Adams D***s.  He is not only my son, but also the best friend I have ever had.  Heartbroken undersells how I felt the last 5-6 weeks, by a factor of infinity.

I also came across a fan-fucking-tastic new song, by Ultimate Skinny Bitch Fiona Apple.  Now, I share with you:

Pretend Everton had a magnificent opportunity.  We started the season winning the FA Community Shield, in pennos against the Redshite.  A shit ton of injuries were to follow, but we used our depth (including some almost-Trestman-aged academy kids) to navigate a congested fixture list.  Earned 2nd position in the table with a bananacakes 3-3 draw at Saints on the final day.  Yes, 2nd to the goddamned Shite.  They also knocked me out of the Caribou Cup in the raging semis.  Monkeyfuckers.

But oh-ho!  I got some revenge in Shempions League (the A-list version).  We held them to a 1-1 draw at Anfield, which proved conclusive – as the Mighty Imaginary Blues defended like mad to earn the tWBS at The Dock (and advanced to the final on the away goal).

What a trail to get to that final.  In the knockout stages, we had to get by Barca y Real Madrid.  But by fuck, we did.  Then, my shit-hot Argentine striker (I finally had to move on from Dominic Calvert-Lewin after his testimonial season) scored TWICE in the first half against Man United.  Sheeeeit, they only managed ONE LOUSY SHOT ON TARGET in the opening stanza, and we were dog-walking them.

I got complacent, neglected to shift to a more defensive posture during intermission, and they were equal by 60.’  That said, my boys had the better of the action the reminder of normal time…but that 3rd tally just wouldn’t come.  It did come for United at 107′ and my despair was complete.

We now enter a crucial offseason, as I continue the rebuild/youth movement.  Some fuckers need to go before they become wage anchors.  And NEVAR trust anyone over 30, or at least 32.

Would be remiss not to wish mah imaginary pals a Blessed Proletarian May Day.  Give us blood in teh streets FOAR teh blood Gods!

What y’all up to?

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Tags:

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
144 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Senor Weaselo

Hey, I found my pink hood! Now I can record Pomp and Circumstance… eh, tomorrow. I’ve had a headache all day and it’s not requested until the 10th.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
SonOfSpam

Congrats on the acquisition of old pussy.

3
scotchnaut

I knew it was code for Hippo getting back with his ex!

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He was lucky.

comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

That gal has a bad case of the crabs.
comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A stabbin’ and a crabbin’!

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovers Pluto on February 18, 1930.

In 1930, the young Tombaugh was working as a researcher at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona, tasked with performing a systematic sky search for the theoretical Planet X, a mysterious trans-Neptunian object predicted by Percival Lowell and William Pickering. Using a 13-inch astrograph to snap photos of the same section of sky on different nights, Tombaugh used a “blink comparator” to match up the different images. When he toggled between the photographs, he noticed that a moving object (a planet, perhaps?) appeared to jump from one part of the sky to another while more distant celestial bodies seemingly stayed in the same place. This moving object, in a region predicted by Lowell, was observed to have an orbit beyond Neptune, ruling out its classification as an asteroid. Hence, it was determined to be the ninth planet – Pluto!! And so our stellar neighborhood (aka, the Solar System) got a little bigger. Decades later in 2006, the party poopers at the International Astronomical Union downgraded Pluto from “planet” to “dwarf planet.” Bummer!

Bonus fun fact: After Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto, he earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees in astronomy from the University of Kansas in 1936 and 1938. One can assume his college application was fairly impressive.”

The more you know.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
scotchnaut

“We strongly advise against giving soldiers and their commanders massive doses of mushrooms.”

-MK Ultra Project, The Final Report

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[whisper] “We’re fine with massive doses of radiation….for science of course.”

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Barbara Bach from “Caveman” (1981); Ringo Starr’s best film and some of Dennis Quaid’s best acting.

comment image

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Atouk zug-zug Lana! And is still married to her almost 40 years later.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ringo is better at some things than….. drumming.

2
Brick Meathook

Directed by the fifth guy from the left:
comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s fine.

comment image

3
scotchnaut

Run to 35 minutes in. As I remember it, Chang was roundly booed by the French Open crowd for thanking “last, and most importantly, the lord Jesus Christ” over his family and coaches and friends. I think the audio has been altered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWMmt1bS-es

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish?

1
yeah right

If you have access to TVG or FS1 there’s real live pony racing.

Did I bet the 7 horse at Tampa Bay across the board only to watch it finish DFL?

Yes. Yes I did.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
SonOfSpam

Charlatan is a big favorite in Arkansas Derby Part I coming (heh) up at 3:30 or so PDT.

Would bet him anyway. A monster who could win the K-Y Derby in September.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A monster who could win the K-Y Derby in September.

I think I’ve seen that movie.

1
yeah right

He fucking dominated. I tried to exacta the 9 horse in because Charlatan was going to win. The nine came in 4th.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So he wasn’t really a charlatan.

0
King Hippo

2029-30 Pretend PSG (my present foe in Shempions League) has a dude named Bourgeois. This amuses me to no end.

3
Dunstan

I love all the old baseball names I’m coming across. Boileryard Clarke.

3
scotchnaut

Preacher Roe.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Johnny Dickshot?

0
yeah right

Mordecai 3 finger Brown.

2
Dunstan

Lots of dudes name Whitey

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ask your mother where the other two fingers are.

7
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Nice!!

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Why can’t we vote for mom jokes twice?

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Speaking of people who didn’t get paid shit for being a huge part of a huge revenue stream:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6851066/
It’s on Netflix and is a pretty watch for “film nuts.”

*Squirrel exception.

2
scotchnaut

[Martin Strel nods head in agreement]

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[Michael J. Fox nods furiously in agreement…. I think]

Yes, I acquiesce to your recall; I had to look that shit up.

comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Did I mention I’m bored? I’m watching a golf tournament on CBS. It’s a re-run from 2015. But wow, Mickleson fucked it up.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Hogan’s Heroes marathon on Sundance.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yet you know nothinck!

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

When will they launch Fanily Feud? – Richard Dawson

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wonder which one he made more money from (adjusted for inflation and including royalties)?

1
Dunstan

My understanding is that residuals paid fuck-all on shows from that era, so almost certainly the Feud, of which he was the star. (He was sort of the star of Match Game too, but I think they paid little for that.)

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yep, “I got my check for the 5,101 reruns of of the show I spent half my life doing, it generated $33,234,432.58 in advertising revenue, it is $1.02.”

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

According to the interwebs he was down to $300k when he sadly kicked it. He did some work: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0206241/

Then he meets his wife:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNrTUaIuVUE

1
Dunstan

SPOILERS, damnit!

Ha. I only watch golf if I need a nap.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Careful with that shit; golf is a very strong sedative.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Mr. Ayo

FIGJAM!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
scotchnaut

I’m wearing pajama bottoms right now. [ winks, finger guns fellow commenters] It has a rear pocket. I’m lost. What the freak would you stow there? A fucking hashbrown? Help me out here.

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

In all seriousness, I’d probably put my phone there when I was teleworking but had to leave my work station to make lunch or my first drink of the day. Invariably when I go to the kitchen and leave my phone in the office, it rings. With my still-healing foot I can never get back to it in time. If I had ass-pocket-equipped pajama bottoms, I could take the phone with me to the kitchen.
But that’s the only possible use I could imagine for that pocket. Hashbrown would leave a grease stain.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, but we know why they cut out the front part of the crotch.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ve been letting myself go a bit.

comment image

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
scotchnaut

Absolutely True Story:

I visited NYC and made a point of walking thru Greenwich Village. Al was sitting outside his restaurant on the sidewalk and was smoking a fat cigar. It didn’t click as to who he was until I walked past. When I turned back he was getting up and walking back into his business. Life comes at you fast, people. Don’t miss an opportunity to say, “Huh, I know you from TV!”

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s pretty cool. Apparently Grandpa was a pretty interesting dude. A friend of a friend was touristing in NYC and taking picture of one of the busy streets in Manhattan and got back home looking through the picture and a guy walking right past was Paul Fucking McCartney. He was intent on the photography and didn’t notice. Not that he would have done anything, but still.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My only brush that I’m aware of is my mom bumped into John Wayne in a tiny local grocery store in western Colorado when he was filming True Grit. Yes, he was buy a few cartons of cigarettes.

https://www.coloradovibes.com/2010/02/true-grit-then-and-now/

1
ballsofsteelandfury

I have a pair of sleep shorts personally signed by Heidi Fleiss. She gave me a hug. Does that count?

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Since the hug resulted in an exchange of fluid, IT CERTAINLY DOES.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A friend of mine from college dated Heidi Fleiss’ kid brother.

Eh, I guess it’s a stretch to call her a “friend” – I haven’t communicated with her in 20 years. She’s married to this guy now:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sage_Weil

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

20 years? You are free and clear of child support…..

2
Brick Meathook

Keanu Reeves and Sarah Silverman both bummed cigarettes from me but Timothy Dalton smoked a cigarette with me, dammit!

Also, when I was about 11, Howard Cosell himself kicked me out of the ABC-TV Monday Night Football broadcast booth during halftime at RFK Stadium.

3
scotchnaut

“Look at that little monkey I ran out of the broadcasting booth!”

-Howard Cosell

5
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sure…. sure… that’s the ticket.

1
nomonkeyfun

I once gave Christopher Hitchens a light. We smoked together while he complained about “that Philistine Bloomberg” banning smoking in bars.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Literately and figuratively.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Did I happen to mention how bored I am?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxMiupRWl7E

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s a state of mind; let’s get to tormenting somebody!

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Fine by me. Name the victim and we’ll double team them.

Wait, I should rephrase that.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rephrase? I already took the Viagra!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image
–
I GOT THE STEAK!!!

7
Mr. Ayo

Why not 10?

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was actually eight of them. As much as the store would allow me to buy, as it happens.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have so much work to do. So fuck It, I’m watching Clue while I fuck around in Salesforce

3
Gratliff

I have like 10 minutes worth of work to do for some teachers that I’ve been putting off for 2 days, then I have an apache server I need to get SSL working properly on that makes me want to walk into a maga rally and breathe deeply. I’m not sure which I’ll take care of first.

2
Dunstan

In other fake sports news, the first round matchups are wrapping up in my All-time MLB tournament. Here are the Round 1 results from the Vin Scully Region:

Top Half:

(1) 1927 New York Yankees def. (16) 2008 Tampa Rays in six games: 1-5, 2-6, 9-3, 9-6, 11-10, 4-1
Series MVP: NYY LF Bob Meusel, .636 AVG, 1.182 SLG, 3 HR, 5 R, 8 RBI
Summary: The lowly Rays, admitted to the tournament only by virtue of the “at least one entry per franchise” rule, shocked the pre-tournament betting favorite Yankees by winning the first two games, holding the Bronx Bombers to just three runs. But a trip to the Tampa strip clubs may have rejuvenated Babe Ruth and his comrades, who found their offense with 33 runs over four consecutive victories.

(8) 1968 Detroit Tigers def. (9) 1989 Oakland Athletics in five games: 3-2, 14-4, 4-6, 5-1, 3-2
Series MVP: DET 1B Norm Cash, 3 HR, 10 RBI
Summary: Cash earned his MVP honors, but the real story of the series was the Detroit pitching staff, which contained the powerful A’s offense. Despite rigorous steroid testing, Jose Canseco managed three home runs, as did Rickey Henderson, but Mark McGuire managed just a single and a double in 16 at-bats. And despite rigorous cocaine testing, Denny McLain (1-0) struck out seventeen and walked just two in twelve innings over two starts.

(4) 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers def. (13) 1985 Kansas City Royals in five games: 5-2, 5-3, 2-4, 2-0, 4-3
Series MVP: BRK LF Sandy Amoros, .438 AVG, .526 OBP, 1.000 SLG, 2 HR, 7 RBI
Summary: I sense a great disturbance in the Force, as if a thousand elderly New York sportswriters stirred in their graves to find their typewriters and pound out nostalgia columns about “Dem Bums” and how the game hasn’t been the same since they let California have teams. Anyway, Amoros got MVP honors, but the Dodgers’ pitching was the story, led by Don Newcombe’s 2-0, 2.81 ERA, 15 K, 2 BB.

(12) 2016 Chicago Cubs def. (5) 1909 Pittsburgh Pirates in four games: 5-2, 6-5, 9-5, 9-3
Series MVP: CHI C Wilson Contreras, .625 AVG, 1.063 SLG, 4 RBI
Summary: The first series to finish was also the first upset of the tournament, a classic 12-over-5 underdog victory, though the margin of victory perhaps the bigger surprise.

2
Dunstan

Bottom half:

(6) 1995 Atlanta Braves def. (11) 1980 Philadelphia Phillies in six games: 1-0, 3-2, 0-4, 7-2, 0-2, 3-2
Series MVP: ATL 3B Chipper Jones, .409 AVG, .500 OBP
Summary: A defensive battle including three shutouts. Game One set the tone immediately with an epic battle between Greg Maddux and Steve Carlton, won by Maddux, though Carlton would take the rematch in Game Five. Carlton allowed just one earned run in his 16 innings, while striking out 23.

(14) 1924 Washington Senators def. (3) 1946 Boston Red Sox in four games: 2-0, 6-4, 9-2, 4-1
Series MVP: WAS 1B Joe Judge, .500 AVG, .938 SLG, 4 RBI
Summary: Another underdog pulls off a sweep. The Senators held Ted Williams to just three singles and a double in 17 at bats. Walter Johnson struck out seventeen and walked none in his Game One victory.

(7) 1995 Cleveland Indians def. (10) 1934 St. Louis Cardinals in four games: 4-3, 5-1, 5-3, 4-1
Series MVP: CLE 2B Carlos Baerga, .389 AVG
Summary: The Indians’ four starters combined to allow just five earned runs in 28 2/3 innings.

(2) 1970 Baltimore Orioles def. (15) 1985 Toronto Blue Jays in five games: 9-5, 0-4, 4-3, 5-2, 6-3
Series MVP: BAL LF Don Buford, .364 AVG, 3 HR, 6 RBI
Summary: The Jays, given a tourney berth under the “Commissioner’s nostalgia” clause, gave the O’s a battle but only got one effective performance from their rotation. Jim Palmer went 2-0 with a 2.81 ERA in two starts for Baltimore.

3
scotchnaut

Next time you should do this with really shitty teams. “We Came. We Saw. We Sucked.” (the least)

2
Dunstan

Except that only the losing teams progress. It’s like George Carlin’s suggestion that the Miss America pageant should keep making the losing contestants come back until they win. “You’d end up with a bunch of 80-year-olds croaking out ‘I just want to work on world peace!’”

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey look, the Orioles finally won something.

0
Dunstan

The ’66 and ’83 squads are in other regions, so hope springs eternal!

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

My mother was preggo with me during ’66 series. To this day she says she watched every game and I could hear it and that’s why I’m a fan. Personally I think she’s batshit, but she likes to think that it’s true.

‘I was at two of the ’79 games when they blew a 3 games to 1 lead and lost to… Willie Stargell and Sister Sledge. Also, fuck Kent Tekulve.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBpYgpF1bqQ

1
Gumbygirl

My husband was at the Pittsburgh airport during that series. His plane was delayed, so he went to the bar. John Candelaria was in there, the Pirate’s flight was delayed too. He bought Gumby a ton of drinks, and they got completely shitfaced. Other Pirates kept trying to get Candelaria out of the bar, to no avail. He pitched the next day, I think he won!

3
Gumbygirl

He did, it was game 6.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

That’s awesome!

1
King Hippo

This is awesome. What platform do you use? I am a Diamond Mind Baseball dude.

1
Dunstan

Out of the Park

2
Senor Weaselo

I’m assuming unlike the Dream Bracket they’re playing at that season-accurate ballparks? Oh god, the ’27 Yankees at the Trop and thinking “what the fuck is this shit?”

0
Senor Weaselo

Also was there a post with the rundown of all the teams?

0
Unsurprised

It’s weird how time flies when working on the weekend. I feel like I could do another six hours and then grind through tomorrow, too.

I’m sure this will pass.

1
scotchnaut

I could do another six hours and then grind through tomorrow

“Cool. I’ll take five pounds of hot Italian and the same for andouille and bratwurst. I hope it’s your ‘brat best!’ Hahaha…. Seriously though, I don’t see any Merguez. Can you check the back fridge? Thanks.”

2
Unsurprised

Which kind of meat?

0
yeah right

I’ve got a thought exercise for everyone.

My eldest granddaughter was finishing up her freshman year in high school when this shit went down.

Put yourself back into your freshman year of high school with your family exactly as it was.

Now imagine being locked down with them indefinitely.

/shudders

6
Unsurprised

Not everyone would make it out alive, and I’m not exaggerating.

0
yeah right

I agree, I had 3 older brothers and a dad who overly disciplined.

The police would have been involved.

2
King Hippo

I am very, very grateful that all mines is now college-aged. And that only one is around the house much. Oldest has learned to sense when little sis tension is building, and she goes back to her apartment in Greenville.

1
yeah right

That was another thought, if I was still married and my daughters were at home.

Goddamn.

1
Dunstan

Luckily I had a basement that I had more or less taken over as my empire, so I would have hidden there and played a fuckton of computer games.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve never been so happy to not have children as now.

3
Gratliff

I had my first nervous breakdown when I was 14 as it was. I would not have survived in a very literal sense. I worry for a lot of children right now. Not every child is safer at home. Domestic violence is spiking, but it’s just the steam that’s coming out of the pressure cooker. Life is a complete hell for a significant portion of the population.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I dunno, being locked down with a high school girl…oh. A freshman? Yeah, that’s a little out of my comfort zone.” – Mark Sanchez

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Not out of mine!”
—Mark Chmura

2
scotchnaut

Oof! My household was “toxic to the max!” And of course you don’t know that it shouldn’t be like that because it’s all that you know.

5
Gumbygirl

I have two brothers and a sister. It would have been a steel cage death match!

2
Col. Duke LaCross

Young Sister Imperator is a fucking smokeshow.

1
Downfield Matriculator

This guy has lots of these covers — Toto’s Africa is particularly strong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH9FyLsfDzw

0
Gumbygirl

The shit has hit the fan!

0
rockingdog

Rat Cloud alert!
comment image

2
Unsurprised

Such a striking resemblance to Mayor Pete.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (ret): [thinks about asking Rikki to put away the vacuum cleaner]

– ten minutes later –

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (ret): Why didn’t you put away the vacuum like I asked?

4
theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

2
Beerguyrob

Do not ask Kruger where he’s been, or the commando team leader will come for you.
comment image

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, do you reckon the cat went on a Rumspringa?comment image

3
King Hippo

Even Ezekiel thinks may mind is gone?

1
rockingdog

“two puck-heads driving a Tonka truck.” thats good.

0
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hail Kruger

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Really happy to hear of Kruger’s return. I wonder if he got any ass while he was away?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccY25Cb3im0

2
Horatio Cornblower

Seems like more of a pussy guy, if you ask me.

3
scotchnaut

His safe word? “Donks”.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Watching an old Arsenal game, and you can tell it’s old because they’ve made several solid defensive stops.

Surprised this isn’t in black-and-white.

1
Gratliff

So, Alex Smith’s leg is…hoo, boy, that’s not great

0
Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, I saw a preview of that and…Jesus.

0
yeah right

Kruger is truly a handsome lad and I’m damn glad he’s home where he belongs.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Yes, very glad you got your cat back. They are truly weird creatures.

1
litre_cola

Goin grocery shopping. What a highlight!

1
ballsofsteelandfury

It’s funny how grocery shopping has become an adventure. Stay safe and stay away from people!

0
litre_cola

When you get stoned in the parking lot and put in a mask o. Its kind of like hot boxing yourself.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

I demand “Hippo judges your fetish” posts!!

4
scotchnaut

God, yes-people judging other people’s fetishes gets me harder than a rock!

4
herodotus450

What a weirdo.

1
scotchnaut

I believe the proper term is “Differently Assembled”, thankyouverymuch. smgdh…

1
King Hippo

Don’t worry, I am still a white Protestant.

0
litre_cola

Protestant, you were at the Michigan State House with a gun?

1
144
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x