Hello, one and all.  We had a weird 5/6 window split, thanks to CBS deciding that MOTHERFUCKING GOLF was to be prioritized over the only programming that still gets ratings in 2020.  But hey, it allowed me to play extra Footy Manager.  Which is all I really enjoy doing.

At least those early five included lots of HAWT NFC Special Needs Division action!  Big h/t to Gratliff, who found the twitter nugget that their 10 combined wins after 10 weeks…is the lowest total in NFL history.  Sometimes, 2020 is just funny instead of agonizing.

After the slowest of slow starts, My NAME Is JUDGE! may be turning around Los Gigantes after all.  Danny Dimebag had another clean game, but he didn’t just not fuck up.  8.7 YPA passing, 64 yards and a score on the ground.  That’ll do, especially with Dakota Jeebus continuing to suck for the Iggles.  27-17, luckily for the home side – no (or at least few) fans to toss batteries.

Still, though – the 3-5-1 Iggles are a full game and a half in first place.

Yes, that means the ‘Dacteds lost to the mighty Fuck Lions.  DC’s “finest” spotted DET a nice 24-3 lead, thanks mainly to Unshackled Th’Andre (for those of us for decided to Get Swifty at our auction…too late for any fantasy salvation).  Being Detroit, they allowed 21 in a row, and we were tied at 27 (after traded field goals) with 16 seconds to play.  But there would be no Most Glorious Draw, nor even Extra Time whatsoever.  Because Chase Young decided to give Fat Stafford a little “love tap” which led to soft coverage on a quick slant to set up the winning Fat Kicker placement at the gun.  From 59, with plenty of leg to spare.  Wow, ‘Dacteds.  WOW.

Though the real revelation from this bananacakes matchup was Fox finding its own version of Tony Romo.  Former Donks WOO!!! cornerback/legend/chain snatcher Two of the Good Ones called his first-ever game…and he absolutely sees everything.  Processes it fast enough to entertain and enlighten the viewer.  One sure hopes he calls MOAR times and MOAR prominent fixtures in the weeks to come.

What of the Non-Gendereds?  They win by virtue of not playing.  See you next week, Gilbert Gottfried.

I like mathematical aesthetics, but not when it’s MRSA Dreamboat doubling up the plucky (but remember, deep-rebuilding) Black Panthers.  46-23, as things got out of hand late.  Tom Brady can still eat shit.

There was apparently a great deal of “lake effect” weather going on.  No snow, sadly.  But we had a freaking November lightning delay in Believeland, followed by a 10-7 win for #ThePauls.  As any has-bian can tell ya, Chubb >> KHunt, with Nick the Dick jisming all over the 500s imaginary run defense.  Buck-26 and a score, and that would have been TWO, had he not intentionally run out of bounds at the 1 (with HOU out of timeouts).  Oh, the fantasy and #HailGAMBLOR bad beats on that one, with CLE favoUred by 3.5-4.5 this week.  KHunt also went over the century mark, but apparently the entire squadron had no rushing TDs since Nick’s Week 4 injury.  One really has to feel bad for TheShaun, fighting for his life every other snap, and basically having to do it all by himself.

Weather also impacted Cheeseland, with Duval pushing A.A. Ron to the limit.  But the Packers’ defense was able to get pressure on the Jagura 2-minute drill, and 24-20 remained your final score.  Davante Adams got shot up in the injury tent, and they needed it/him to avoid a yuuuuuuge home embarrassment.

Denver made their maiden voyage to Las Vegas, and they were just fucking putrid.  A dumbass (but blatant and a fair call) holding BLEERGH on Noah Fant took a Horse Cock Lock rushing TD off the board, right before half.  He was pickercepted immediately thereafter, and there would be no 2nd half magic.  There would be THREE MOAR fucking INTs, though.  I am hard-wired to NEVAR say anything good about the Raiders, so I won’t.  Sorry, Rikki.  Q4 became Devontae Booker Revenge Hour, with his 2 scores resulting in a grotesque (but reflective of the balance of play) 37-12 final.  I still believe in Don Fangio, but this is the kind of game that gets one fired.

Yinzers/Bungles was just atrocious, but the home side marches on to 9-0.  With no Beatie Mixon (and bad weather), it’s just asking way too much of Joe Burrow.  Especially against a defense this ferocious.  For some reason, PIT doesn’t quite pass the eye test to me.  But I’m probably wrong.  Anyway, 36-10 to the Yellowblacks.

Who does pass said eye test?  The legitimately good Miami LOLfins.  Despite a few hiccups that delayed their pulling away from the home side, they ultimately overpowered Clippers du Merde late.  Imagine if/when Tua eventually gets his feet all the way under him?  This could be a scary team come January.  Brian Flores better be the overwhelming Coach of the Year.  Herbert the Duck got a garbage time score to cut the final margin to 29-21, but he still had the first truly bad game of his career.

Actual good, competitive football?  Found in the AZ desert, yet again.  Brokeback CAUGHT a touched down early, as Buffalo built a 23-9 lead.  Which the Qardinals erased and then some, taking a Q4 26-23 lead.  Both sides then amped up their defensive performances, with a Brokeback pickerception finally breaking their back.

Or so I thought – as the Bills defense quickly got the ball back, with Brokeback culminating a fantastic, 12-play drive with a delightful TD strike to Stefon Diggs.  30-26, as the Qards suffer their 2nd straight, tough, home loss.

Or so I thought – before Murray (PRESENT!) found TheAndre Hopkins in quadruple coverage for a successful scramble drill Hail Mary with two seconds on the clock.  Good Lord almighty, what a final two minutes.  32-30, as Koack Kliff smartly kneeled, rather than risk a blocked extra point.  In a losing effort, Bass-O-Matic went 3-for-3, from 54, 55, and 58 yards.  Desert dome or not, that’s fucking impressive.

Nick Mullens darted out to a 10-nil lead in N’Awlins, after which I don’t think Santa Clara got another meaningful yard on offense.  We had our first meaningful CRAB LEGS! of the season, as Breesus was unable to continue after the half.  Sean Payton mostly just leaned on Bitchin’ Kamara and his defense, which was a very good idea.  Saints 27, Tomsulas 13, after a garbage time Santa Clara FG.

For maybe the first time in 2020, we really saw Russell Wilson confused, and the SeaTruther offense shut down.  The defense who picked the lock?  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  Holy fuckballs, is the NFC West ever stacked.  Baby Buster played very solidly again, but his left tackle got what looked like a pretty serious owie.  The offensive line has been the key to their success (as it was their downfall in 2019), so watch this space.  23-16, Los Angeles.  Jason Myers did hit from fucking 61 yards right before the half, which would be the high point of Seattle’s day.  Shit fire, there were some damned fine placement kicking performances today.

Sunday nighter mostly featured The Continuing Unraveling of Lamar!  Both these squadrons are physical as fuck, but Grumblelord pulled out some Wolven Sort trickeration (Jakobi Meyers passing TD, after a lateral) to pull into a never-relinquished lead.  There was much rain, which also led to some unfortunate Ratbird dropsies.  By the last 5 or so minutes, it was indeed (h/t, Al Michaels) like playing inside of a full-blast shower.  That AFC North title/1 seed look more and more certain to be PIT’s. And maybe the P*ts will find some way to back into the playoffs?

<shudders violently>

Don’t forget Monday Night Dingleberry Time!