Good day, y’all.  YES, as a matter of fact, I do still plan to boycott the Superb Owl.  Thank God I am a Lesser enthusiast, as we get a full, bona fide near-quintupleheader today (and a quaddie tomorrow).  Good matchups, too.

Damn, I originally read the schedule as FIVE full time slots, but tis 5 fixtures for 4 slots (PHRASING).

Start your day with the rugged, virile handsomeness of Mikel Arteta!  As he seeks to vanquish that dire cunt Grealish (7:30, NBCSN).  That is 10th place Arsenal at 9th position Villa, with just one fickle point separating the two in the table.  The Gooners seem like they are finally making their move into at least Europa qualification.  Anything less than that will seem disastrous.  David Luiz’ red card suspension should help the Gooner cause for the next three matches, anyway.

You get a choice in the 10:00 window, but really only the NBCSN option is appetizing (Barcodes hosting Saints).  Newcastle had been drifting aimlessly toward the relegation zone, but playing Everton got them back on survival-track.  Soton is back in the bottom half, where they fookin’ belong.  I’d bet on a Draw here.  15th position Trashbirds (who are shit hot all of a sudden) travel to 17th-in-the-table Team White Lives Matter, on Peacock.  Jeebus Tapdancing FUCK, does Burnley ever need to go down already.

Mighty Whitey hosting the Spotlight Dance?  MAKE IT SO!  It’s also a Clubhouse Derby, with Fronk’s Hammers visiting the Cottage (12:30, NBC).  Swarthily handsome/Litre family marital aid Scott Parker has staunched the bleeding…but avoiding losses will not suffice for must longer.  Fulham need all three points today, and a run of similar results.  I saw somewhere on The Athletic a depiction of West Ham’s manager as The Moyes-iah, which gave me a chuckle.  I love a bad pun, me.  He does have his side in 5th, but my Toffees are just 2 points behind, with 2 games in hand.  Truly, I expect that to be the battle for the last Europa slot, when all is said and done.

Speaking of Toffee Time, that comes with “tea” as the Brits say, closing the busy docket away to Wakey’s Red Devils (3:00, NBCSN).  Ole Gunnar’s bunch are world-beaters on their best day (they beat Saints 9-nil at midweek).  But sometimes they can’t be arsed, and Everton generally play better against opponents who want to attack.  I could use sommet less frenetic than we experienced at Elland Road last time out.  But a repeat of the result would be just fine and dandy, thanks.

If you intentionally wake up early tomorrow for Fat Sam’s Brummies at Mourinho’s limp Spurs?  You may need mental help.  But the next two on NBCSN (Wolves/Foxes and Shite/Man City) are well worth your time and attention.  The German Elton John has amped up his whinging ahead of what is hopefully the nail in their coffin, title challenge-wise.  PLEASE, GOD.