I have nothing to say about the horsey race, except that it amuses me greatly for its “spectacle” to take place on May Day. Seize the means of production, Most Glorious Kenfucky Proletariat!
Shempions and NIT Shempions qualification are at the forefront of Premier League headlines, but not in the opening fixture of the day. Your insmoniac action is “Crown Their Asses Already” City against “Just Happy to Still Be Here” Crystal Palace (7:30, NBCSN). One assumes Pep’s men will have 90% of the ball, even if they play the walk-ons.
Part el dos is mostly safe mid-Table dwellers, but entertaining ones. The mad men of Leeds take on the plucky Trashbirds at the AmEx (10:00, NBCSN). Coming off their Roses Derby, I am expecting a bit of a letdown performance by the visitors. Do not bet accordingly, Hippo is almost NEVAR right.
Spotlight Dance is beautiful, filled with Litre RAGE (12:30, NBC). Chelski will feel all Bobby Big Bollocks after their brave performance mid-week in Madrid. That’s always dangerous, especially against a cornered animal like Mighty Whitey. It’s also hard to imagine the Trespassers falling out of the Top 4, so motivation could be an issue. We shall see.
Speaking of Madrd, YES, the Real Cuntafces continue to lead their Quixotic quest to be crowned Bastard Men of the Galaxy. Barca are still tagging along, with (im)moral support from the brass at Juve and Liverpool (surprise, surprise, Redshite hypocrisy). As Karmic punishment (which made me laugh uproariously), Barca shat themselves AT HOME to Granada. They had a game in hand, and a win would have put them ahead of Atleti for the title. Eat shit, timid motherfuckers.
BALLS NOTE: To be fair (to be fair, to be fair), Real shat the bed last weekend with a tie to Betis at HOME and Atleti shat the bed with a loss to Athletic Bilbao. It seems no one wants the title. I’m actively rooting for Sevilla to take it. It might actually happen too! There are A LOT of games remaining between the contenders so if things go their way, Sevilla and Lopetegui could win the title.
Wouldn’t that be a great F U to Real? ☺️
FINALLY, we get to a European 6-pointer, with Beloved (and likely still Very Disappointing, it’s the hope that kills you) Everton hosting Noted Cunt Jack Grealish and Villa (3:00, Peacock). Naturally, the best matchup is behind the paywall AND conflicts with the NFL Draft. Deffo no smire at that.
See y’all in the comments. And thank fuck for professional Donks WOO!!! management, not taking Mac Jones at #9. Jesus, that would have done killed me ded.
So I went over to a Giants fan site and floated out the idea that because no o-lineman were drafted (which everyone was crying for) that maybe the front office wasn’t fully invested in Saquon Barkley. Holy Fuckballs… Just, wow.
You’re looking for reason there? It’s like looking for intellectual honesty in a conversation with Ted Cruz.
Or like looking for Ted Cruz during a deadly cold snap in his home state.
It’s funny, I remember asking for some trivia on a Giants fansite (it was for a post, but I can’t remotely remember what) and they were quite helpful.
Holy crap. I took my walk this morning and came home to work on my bathroom sink. It wasn’t draining. I removed the trap and snaked it as far as I could. No dice.
Texted the landlord at noon. Half An hour later he text back and said the plumber was on his way. An hour later plumber was here. 3 minutes later and the sink works perfectly.
At the old place it’s a week easy and 3 visits to get it right.
I like this set up.
The old place had a dude who did the first visit and he could never fix anything. We called him “Gilligan.” He would then call our regular guy who was much better but didn’t fix plumbing well.
Anyway, Gilligan was the first person I knew personally who died of COVID and it was real early on. He was a goofball but it still was fucked up. He died real early too. Like late March 2020.
Fuck last year man.
I’ve updated my Fear of Commitment Scale:
“Yeah, OK” – Meet the other’s kid(s)
“Uh… OK?” – Meet potential in-laws
“Is that wise? I dunno” – moving together
“I’m not opposed in principle. But—look, a pigeon!” – marriage
“NOPE. Have a good life” – matching tattoos
Jizziants are on the clock!
I gotta admit, the third Pepperoncini Martini (on top of the beer and scotch) is a game-changer.
Always enjoy the Yankees 7th inning salute to servicemen, where they drag some nonagenarian out there and say, “and here’s Harvey Klempt, who spent 6 years with the Wermacht during WWII, seeing action i…wait, what?”
Geez, bygones already, Horatio.
[by some miracle manages to stand at attention]
– Madison Cawthorn
The Ravens picked a fullback? I thought they were extinct! [googles] Okay, turns out that fullbacks are critically endangered, not extinct. My bad.
Fear not, my Scottish friend — fullbacks are still used to great effect in this strange sport. Besides, it seems difficult to fathom how general managers could not favour a position that only the most civilized of gentlemen seem to be able to play (e.g., John Kuhn, Michael Alstott, Patrick Ricard).
What about scatbacks? I feel like we don’t hear enough about scatbacks any more. I always picture some guy carrying the ball while singing “doo-be-doo-be-doo….”
“I think of something else.”
-literally any German
Don’t forget about me
-Najeh Davenport
I don’t want to pour gas on the fire but word has it that Aaron Rodgers wasn’t consulted about the Packers pick of cb Shemar Jean-Charles in the 5th round.
Day after Moderna #2 jab, and I am fucking bedridden. I feel like Richie Aprile drove over me with his SUV. Arm feels like I got hit with a baseball bat. Made it out of bed to coach the U-10 Bulldogs to victory, and slithered under the covers when we got home. Jets seem to be drafting…competently? Hope Saleh can whip the defense into shape, and the U*NC RB has some wheels. Glad DCL just equalized, as the Hippo-rage from down South was palpable up here.
/takes Tylenol
// collapses
Moderna is supposed to be the worst of the side-effects.
Well, other than J&J being tainted with rat feces and prone to causing brain bleeds, or whatever it is Joe Rogan has been yammering about.
T-2 hours until we get moderna jab 2….
Sleep as long as possible tomorrow morning. Maybe take some advil before bed tonight.
Second Pepperoncini Martini Recipe:
-one small ice cube
-vodka and vermouth
-one jalapeno-stuffed olive(!)
-one very large pepperoncini pepper
Swirl a touch of vermouth in rock glass, toss remnants. Drop a jalapeno-stuffed olive in there. Swirl again. Drop a large pepperoncini pepper in there. Swirl. Add glugs of vodka to taste. Bite off the tip of the pepperocini pepper. Chew. Immerse remaining pepper back into the beverage. Swirl. Drink. Hope that the Giants draft for value with their last picks.
/fin
Thought this was going to be a Pepperoni Martini and I am so disappointed. I’m now just a Super Bowl ring and a drunk driving failson away from being Andy Reid.
off to focus on Very Disappointing Everton. Him-ez injured himself in warmups, so that’s a nice preliminary kick to the testicles.
The Rich Eisen crew is fucking around and it’s entertaining.
I generally like Eisen, but in measured doses. Nice how he doesn’t take himself (or our beloved, silly/psychotic kids’ game) too seriously.
How the sweet tittyfuck are the Royals 15-9? Have they played the Tigers every single fixture?
/is now on Jack White’s shit list
this Litre Rages at the Dying of the Light Derby has been very disappoint.
As far as Rodgers and Prima donna behavior is concerned, well, he was mentored by the best, wasn’t he?
Actively cheering for a lousy Bears draft because the Giants have their 1st pick next year.
I’ve been there.
don’t they always choose “twink?”
It’s been 3 beers, 2 scotches and one martini since the last Giants pick. Can I keep up this pace until they pick again? Probably.*
*Googles ‘Rehab facilities near you’
nobody likes a quitter smh
Areola putting on a lesser footy clinic today. Shame the rest of Fulham isn’t up for the game.
Hayden Hurst has been fighting anxiety and depression for three years-no wonder he sucks.
My son is home and cleaning out his old room and my wife just found his “porn is lame” bumper stickers and said “what the fuck is this shit?”
Parenting: We’re Appalling At It
If I’m not mistaken, he’s advocating for more porn involving people with useless limbs-you’re doing just fine.
Did you two ask him what was the name of the girl/boy that he was trying to impress?
He ordered it off of Xian web-site and sent a bunch of them to his friends, just to annoy them.
Of course, he’s since found out that there’s no getting away from those Xian emails, but that’s his problem.
Hippo and I have been texting back and forth for a while now AND HE FUCKING CALLED QB IAN BOOK BEING DRAFTED BY PAYTON/SAINTS A HALF HOUR BEFORE IT HAPPENED!
/that is quality predictifying
//I is stunned
Hippo did a good job reading that pick
It seemed very Sean Payton, sociologically. Ian Book is terrible, mind.
“Bud Light is the perfect draft”? Yes, I know, everyone shits on Bud Light but if I walked into a bar (damn, it’s been so very, very long) and saw a line of taps, that beer wouldn’t even register in my vision. My youngest likes it (yes, I’ve failed him) and if he was with me at that bar I simply would not let him order it.
I likes it consistent mediocrity, doesn’t matter if you are at an airport bar, truck stop diner or your ex wife’s wedding. You know what you are going to get.
I’ve no problem drinking it here and there but my point was that if you’ve got a choice of 12 or so beers in a bar (that you wouldn’t ordinarily have access to) you should do some ‘taste testing’. Bud Light is always gonna be around.
That’s why Amstel Light is my go-to at “corporate functions” and similar events. Back when I had to attend same, anyway.
I will say this: Bud Light isn’t bad when paired with spicy Indian food in the Summer.
I like to drink Bud Light after having sex in a canoe, because they’re both fucking pretty close to water.
The Kentucky Derby has two gray horses! WTF!!! How am I supposed to pick? I always pick a gray horse. They NEVAR win, but they are purty!
I’ve been told that old gray mares aren’t what they used to be. Maybe it’s time to move on…
I will never abandon my ridiculous strategy, how dare you!
Apparently the gray Essential Quality is the favorite .
He has no chance, trust me.
Chuba Hubbard was a damned good pick for the Black Panthers, even beyond the badass name.
He’s no Amon Ra St. Brown, but it’s a good name!
He has to be kin to that Equanimity (sic) St. Brown that played at ND, right?
Brother.
This pick gave me way more than a half Chuba. It is truly unfortunate that my good friend Jerry Richardson no longer owns this squadron.
UAB player goes to the Jaguars. Erm…Go Blazers?
think that gives y’all MOAR draftees than my Wolven Sort (and no further NC State picks are expected today). Which is depressing for me.
How’s the day after vaccine hangover treating you?
I really don’t feel bad at all. A little body sore and kind of sniffly, but that could be allergies. If this is as bad as it’s going to get, I am doing alrig!ht.
Excellent. Mine sucked but it was only four hours of suckitude and I slept through most of that. Welcome to the double dose club!
Thanks, I am very excited, and relieved!
That last year plus was an eternity.
Poor kid is taking a pay cut
I’m just following the nfl.com tracker today. The panels get too silly and quit analyzing the picks as they happen. I am not as patient with that nonsense as I used to be.
Male Pats fan has ‘bingo wings’, as the prophets foretold.
Judge and Gettleman must be must be happy with the state of the o-line. Giants fans are going to be furious/panicky.
Andrew Thomas SHOULD get better, and NC State has a monster LT that would be Top 10-worthy in 2022 Draft.
MOAR:
https://theathletic.com/2454125/2021/03/16/nc-state-ikem-ekwonu-a-year-out-from-nfl-draft-eligibility-is-quietly-the-most-feared-offensive-lineman-in-the-acc/
Scouts are high on Christian Darrisaw. They like his frame, his ability to bend and his lateral quickness. A three-year starter at Virginia Tech, Darrisaw is projected as a first-round pick. Rival coaches in the ACC say they can buy that, but the five coaches in the conference The Athletic spoke to for our 2021 NFL mock draft story last week also had an interesting reaction when asked about the touted Hokies offensive lineman.
“He’s not as good as the NC State kid,” said one ACC defensive coach. “That guy reminded me of (former Louisville/New York Jets first-round offensive tackle) Mekhi Becton. He’s not as big, but he was steam-rolling people. He’s probably nastier than Becton.”
The NC State kid?
“To me, he’s the most feared offensive lineman in the ACC,” said an offensive line coach in the conference. “He’s similar to Becton but more of an interior guy. He’s got so much short-area power and explosiveness. He’s violent. You’d go watch him on film: ‘Oh, wow, he’s destroying people.’ He’s got something in him that is not coached. There is some natural aggression and ferocity with the way he finishes and strikes. That is a gift.”
The NC State kid?
When you looked at the ACC All-Conference team there was no NC State offensive lineman listed. Not on the second team, either. But there he was, on the third-team All-ACC squad. Ikem Ekwonu, a 6-foot-4, 325-pound sophomore, still a year from being eligible for the NFL Draft.
“Ickey” Ekwonu, the NC State kid.
Don’t get Ekwonu’s coach at NC State, Dave Doeren, started about his player not being picked for the All-ACC team.
“His motor is really rare,” Doeren told The Athletic. “He is a very, very aggressive player. He is good, man. I mean, he is really good. I was shocked that he wasn’t all-conference last year. I watched a lot of film, and there’s nobody on offense that we have played that is as violent as he is as a blocker.
I just hope that Darrisaw kid can plug and play and start every game at left tackle for the next 10 years or so before ending up in the Hall of Fame.
I don’t ask a lot.
NC State already gave y’all a sure Pro Bowl/HoF center!
Like that Bradberry kid a lot.
He’s ‘berry ‘berry good
I’m also partial to Boysenberries.
I like how all the reports on really good O-lineman are basically, “This guy is a complete psychopath who would be on death row if it weren’t for football.”
“With a real nasty streak. A brawler.”
Stanford has had a lot of folk drafted. Seems like maybe they shouldn’t have sucked so hard.
*also Troi Boiz, but we are used to their under/non-achievement
I grew up watching USC being the dominant/splashy program. So weird that they’ve sucked for so long given all the advantages they have.
they need to recruit some murderers* that are as prolific as The Juice was
*allegedly
They realized that the *real* money is in taking bribes to admit students of wealthy families.
In the “Most Ridiculous Hat Contest” it’s going to go down to the wire between NFL fans and Kentucky Derby attendees today.
I wonder how many herrenvolk have farted while sitting in Ginger Hammer’s special little chair. Seems like the minimum expectation, to retain any semblance of pride.
The Hammer will have his minions burn that chair while he watches from the top floor of his fortress and mumbles, ‘dirty, dirty, peasants’ to himself.
I’m such a shitty fan. I put on the draft as background while I was working out. It never even *occurred* to me to put on the Celtics game, in which they came back from 32 points down and Jayson Tatum scored 60.
I’m not sure you’re that shitty a fan, but you do oscillate back and forth though.
well of course not, it’s The Association. Nobody pays attention to THAT.
I did note that #ThePauls took a JV WKRP player (an OT, no less) right in front of Varsity Team WKRP. That’s Good Trolling Hustle!
/slaps Cuyahoga River’s ass HARD
One can only assume the Clubhouse is empty because of May Day parades and all glory to Comrade Stalin.
Speaking of the NFL Draft and horse racing, here’s a video of an unassisted triple-play (rarer than a perfect game, it even fools the announcers) that came up in a crossword blog today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXJuw4Rd0ck
One thing about following a talent-bereft team like the Giants is that it pays to watch the entire draft, given that a two 7th rounders started games at lb and another started at edge last year. (also, some UDFA’s started at o-line and wr)
I watched baseball and continued to trek through ‘Halt & Catch Fire’, (no, you have a crush on Donna), instead of watching the draft last night and from what I can tell on Twitter, the Non-Gendered Cowpersons of Dallas really missed my guidance, as no one seems to be a fan of their third-round shenanigans.
N-GCp management decries all these binary TAEKs obvs
She’s a balmy 4 degrees out there so I guess it’s hiking time. [shudders]
Your weekly reminder that Zaha is a complete weirdo.
You have to really believe in your abilities as a line judge, to Lesser BLEERGH Jesus for offside.
Damn, I love what the Giants are doing in the draft. They found a slot corner, (rookie Holmes struggled badly learning a new position last year) got a dynamic playmaker which they haven’t had since OBJ left and secured help at the Edge spot. Plus they now have 10 picks next year including the Bears 1st.
I do worry about Team though-they’ve added more pieces to an already excellent D and I shudder to think what wr McLaurin will be able to do now that he has a competent qb to work with in Fitzmagic. The former can now show off his complete skillset with a qb that loves taking deep shots.
Fuckballs! Can’t wait for the season to start.
Draft season makes the world seem brighter. Even if (obviously) none of us has a crystal ball, we can dream on the potential for a bit. Our brain gets some exercise, too.
Unless you are a 500s supporter. No fucking hope, there. Good thing they don’t really exist.
Indeed. Th draft makes the world seem bright with possibilities. “Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-08O2DUjRo