Ah sleep, is there anything better? Don’t have to hear your partner nag you or your boss say something stupid, again. Warm cozy snoozing and the dreams are amazing, what did  “The Stranglers” say? “Walking on the beaches looking at the peaches” Suddenly your eyes fly open searing pain slams into your head as your mouth fills with blood you realize you have bitten your tongue in your sleep, again.

 

So I’m guessing we’ve all had tooth issues.

 

“Yeah Right” Gods bless him and keep him safe, occasionally on Saturday will ask my worthlessness what I may like to order out for dinner. Having to remember that whole God damn tooth problem I was forever answering biscuits and (trust me I’ll supply plenty, that and much worse! You have been fairly warned) blood gravy. Eventually as any free thinking mind might want to do he responds with

“Why not use my recipe and do it yourself Slug Boy?”

 

So now I find myself doing another Sunday Gravy, what the dirty word is this?

 

Stupid tooth.

 

So where is your favorite place to get hash browns?

 

Mine is the classic nationally known chain diner and not that silly awful house where they cover it with shit and cheese, no thanks. Smothered, covered, indeed. Let me be brown here and I apologize for you sensitive types but being fair to the story may require some graphic content.

 

If you be a bit peckish you may want to seek other forms of entertainment at this point.

 

I’ve always equated writing with throwing up into a trash can, sometimes later you have to put your hand in that bucket grab something nasty shake it and show it off, this is one of those.

Summer 1981, I think.

 

Late at night way too many beers when some one shouts, “Dude I’m hungry let’s go to $%^&@ and get some food, “hell yes let’s go throw a munch.”

 

All of us pile into the back of Chris (Boo bah)’s pick up truck and off we go. Bouncing down some awful unpaved dirt road it was declared by one of the maniacs I was traveling with that he needed to pee, right now.

 

The rest of this is part dream part hallucination but all true.

 

Dude stands up in fairly brisk moving truck, stumbles to the back of the bed of the truck, pulls out his little feller and starts to pee off the back of the moving vehicle, I’m going to let you guess what happens next.

 

We hit a bump and dude flies off the back of the truck, junk in hand.

PROFFESIONAL ARTIST DO NOT ATTEMPT

 

I see a phantom hand holding onto the tailgate and then it lets go and I see my friend tumbling down this road in Hell. Over and over he rolled, I hear myself screaming,

“Stop, stop, stop I think he’s dead!”

 

Truck stops, we run back to where the friend lies. I see he’s not dead, he’s moving and seems to be in a lot of pain. His screams fill the air. I don’t know how to explain what I witnessed.

 

You see my friend had been ( I think I have heard the term road rash) sanded down with number 16 grit sandpaper. He was a walking, leaking, bloody, oozing wound. He wailed “I think I burned off my ….!”

 

For prosperity I will leave out the vernacular.

 

We have to get him to a hospital, I implore. He shakes his head and says “Nah man, I’m hungry” and with that we all get back into the back of the truck and head to “Shitty’s.” Always open.

 

The look on the hosts face when we walked in? Precious.

 

We got a booth as my friend walks, drooling blood, to the men’s room, a friendly voice asks if we would like some drinks?

       

      Had trouble logging in before the beautiful upgrade so all I had to go on was this. Since you ALL have cooked this dish before we will push on. Let’s start with biscuits shall we?

     

Now on to the hash browns.

Judge if you will, yes those are store bought I,G,F’s, now piss off.

Starts like this

Half way to throw down

Crispy? Good, now back off, those beauties are mine.

Now off to the gravy! Super easy be patient.

Let it simmer, should take 12-18 minutes

See? Nice and thick.

Not the hardest meal there is to cook, actually quite simple. Now doing it right? Is something else entirely. Did I get it right? No, not even close, the biscuits just plain sucked, but under that thick gravy, magic happened, they softened right up and tasted OK.

If you can’t make killer hash browns right here, right now, I’m afraid I can do you no good, sorry.

Couple of fried eggs right on top the hot mountain of goo? Paradise.

God damn that was too much food

As promised here comes your future.

It was fun to prove these recipe’s actually work, even a drunk of some renown pulled it off.

You said pulled it off.

Le sang coule de ma bouche.

Thank you for reading, can we please be nice to each other, now?

I AM GOING TO POST THIS EVERY TIME UNTIL IT BECOMES A LEGITMATE NATIONAL ANTHEM