iHola muchachos! this is your very hungover preview of Spain’s chances in the Euros. I sacrificed my head to give you a top quality decent somewhat mediocre cromulent preview. The big story is more about who is not on the team than who is on the team. Due to injuries, Sergio Ramos, Dani Carvajal, and Nacho Fernandez make up the Real Madrid contingent that will not be playing for Spain this Euros. Inigo Martinez, Jesus Navas, Sergio Canales, Iago Aspas and Mikel Merino are other notable, constant fixtures of the national team that aren’t playing for Spain this tournament for one reason or another. Worst of all, teenage phenom, Ansu Fati, will miss the tournament due to a potentially career ending injury. More on Spain’s roster in a minute. First, lets look at the historia de España:

History: In the middle of a massive drunken orgy by the oligarchs, the Roman elites wanted more booze to drink and heard of this area nearby full of Indigenous peoples that were good at making wine. Hearing that their arch nemesis, the Carthaginians were entering what we now know as Spain, the Romans decide to visit Spain around 200 BC. Coincidentally enough, the tribes living in Spain like the Celts, Lusitanians, Iberians, & Tartessians were also fans of drunken orgies, so they embraced the Roman Empire lifestyle and culture  and decide to call their place Hispania.  Unfortunately for them, Rome splits apart into the Eastern and Western Empire around 395, resulting in the collapse of Rome and beginning of the Gothic invasions. The Visigoths technically win, but by the 7th century, Islam is knocking on Spain’s door.

The Umayyads who were also fans of wine (before it’s made haram), conquered Spain and called it Al-Andalus. (That’s Arabic for ‘you can’t ‘andle our anus’). All things considered, they were pretty decent rulers. That was lucky for the Christians, who as a result, took back most of the land from the Muslims, culminating in 1492–that’s a pretty important year– with the sacking of the Emirate of Grenada.

Despite Spain now being Christian, the big Christian Kingdoms feuded with each other over whom made the best tapas. This culminated in the King of Aragon, Ferdinand, deciding to marry Isabella of Castille to stabilize the region. In 1492, these two decided to give Columbus his chance to sail the ocean blue. They would also tell the Jews in Spain that they could either convert to Christianity or fuck off. The expulsion and/or persecution (which led to emigration) of Jews and Muslims depopulated a good chunk of their artisan and trader populace, which is one reason the Spanish empire collapses.

Now it’s time to get colonizing!

Unlike other Empires that wanted to fuck things up, the Spanish just wanted to fuck things. Spain became so good at colonizing South America, there are people who think Spanish comes from South America.

Spain proceeded to get loads of money from precious metal mining in the New World. With all this new money, Spain decided to spend it all on war and just import everything, which is the beginning of their downfall.

Arguably the main reason for Spain’s downfall was the 80 Years war, which not only did they lose, but they went bankrupt several times during the war. Simultaneously, the Franko-Spanish War was also being fought. Meanwhile, military weaponry had evolved, and Spain didn’t change with the times. Fighting several external and internal wars at the same time while having inferior weaponry is going to make your empire not have a good time.

While all this fighting was happening, Spain was collecting a shit ton of gold and silver from the Americas; so they didn’t bother much with making an industry of their own, and had everything imported. Since Spain’s weaponry was inferior, Spain started losing their American colonies and the flow of gold and silver into Spain stopped. In other words, Spain was pretty much fucked because they could no longer afford to import basic necessities like food and clothing into the country.

With the country in complete chaos, in 1870, Spain decided they needed a new king, so they picked Amadeus of Savoy– who left the country in 1873– proclaiming Spaniards to be ungovernable. Consequently, Spain becomes a republic– which lasts for one year– before they return to being a monarchy. The monarch they put into power was the kid of the Monarch they overthrew in 1868. At this point, it’s obvious that Spain is weak, leading to America kicking down Spain’s door.

The US blamed the sinking of the USS Maine on Spain, declares war, and frees Cuba; taking Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Philippines for itself. While a massive blow, Spain still had the true gem in their colonial crown: Morocco. Spain remained neutral in WW1, but then got hit hard by the Spanish Flu.

With a ton of in-fighting occurring, the Spanish  Civil war between the republican government (backed by the left and anarchists) vs the right (Falangists, Spain’s particular breed of fascism, Monarchists, Catholics) began. Unofficially, this was the beginning of World War II as there were a ton of countries fighting on both sides in the Spanish Civil War. In 1939, Franco and the Fascists win. Spain was a neutral dictatorship in WW2. Franco loses colonial possessions like Equatorial Guinea. Morocco falls out of Spain’s control in 1975, but Spain keeps two cities in Africa, Ceuta and Melilla. Coincidentally, 1975 is also the year Franco dies.

After Franco dies, Spain becomes a constitutional monarchy. Despite a coup attempt in 1981, Spain joined the European Economic Community in 1986, which would become the EU, and adopted the Euro in 1999. About 10 years ago, Spain’s economy went down the shitter. Now you’re mostly caught up with Spanish history.

Here are Spain’s vital stats for the Euros:

FIFA Ranking: 6

Group E: Spain, Sweden, Poland, Slovakia.

To commemorate Spain’s history of wine making, I will be analyzing each position based on some cheap Spanish wine you should try.

Goalies: David de Gea (Manchester United), Unai Simon (Athletic Bilbao? More like Athletic Bilbao Baggins), Robert Sánchez

Analysis:

The 2017 Beronia Crianza begins with a very pleasant aroma of black cherry, baking spice, dried herbs and more. You should pair this wine with red meats and cheeses. This is a solid, dependable wine, just like Spain’s goaltending, which is lead by David De Gea, from Satan’s favoUrite team. This is an easy wine to drink. However, just like David De Gea in penalty kicks, the fruit turns quite tart if you wait too long and have a lengthy finish.

Defense:

Aymeric Laporte (City) Jordi Alba (Barce),Jose Gaya (Valencia), DF: Pau Torres (Villarreal) Diego Llorente (Leeds), Eric García (City), Cesar Azpilicueta (Chelski)

Analysis:

You can get this bottle of La Gitana Gold for dirt cheap at Costco. This wine begins with the smell of blackberry, black cherry and vanilla along with lots of other subtle touches like balsamic, tobacco and more. Just like Spain’s defense on paper, this is a wine you want to drink right now. Also like Spain’s defense, this wine scored 94 points, which is far too high. Spain has got the defenders, but there’s little to no chemistry between them. In fact, Laporte literally just joined the Spanish side from France and has yet to play for Spain. So while Spain can enjoy a formidable defense on paper, it might be over-rated which can cost them in the later rounds.

Midfielders:

Fabian Ruiz (Napoli/ITA), Pedri, Sergio Busquets (Barcelona), Rodri Hernandez (Manchester City/ENG), Koke, Marcos Llorente (both Atletico Madrid), Thiago Alcantara (Liverpool/ENG).

Analysis: 

The Martin Codax Rias Baixas Albarino 2016 has the taste of an apple, peach with lemon zest and is  crisp and fresh. It is excellent in value, which is exactly what the midfield is for Spain. This midfield is an excellent mix of young and old and will be Spain’s focal point. Similarily to the midfield, this wine is diverse, as you can pair it with a nice pasta dish, or, it also goes well with nachos.

Forwards:

Dani Olmo (Leipzig/GER), Mikel Oyarzabal (Real Sociedad), Ferran Torres (Manchester City/ENG), Gerard Moreno (Villarreal), Alvaro Morata (Juventus/ITA), Adama Traore (Wolverhampton/ENG), Pablo Sarabia (Paris Saint-Germain/FRA).

Sangria is a young person’s wine. It’s why Spanish Catholic priests liked to give it to indigenous youth. . .

Sangria is the gateway drink for young women in their mid 20s to go from shitty cooler drinks to this:

 

Predicción: