Monday Morning Mock Draft: Chapter The (Friday The) 13th

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.

This week’s draft comes from me getting way to into that US-Mexico Lesser Footy tilt last night, the end of which I’m sure isn’t being dissected in the Mexican sports media today. Totally forgot I was supposed to write this. So today’s topic is, uh, is, uh, (looks at title, realizes this is the 13th edition that he’s remembered to do), uh, SCARY MOIVES! Yeah, that’s it. Scary movies! Just like I planned all along!

Rules:

It has to be a scary movie. Scary, of course is objective. If you find Nicholas Sparks movies scary, you go right ahead and draft them. I’ll never stop someone from shitting on a Nicholas Sparks production. Scary movies aren’t really my strong suit, (I am a timid soul), but I’ll get us started with the first pick, taking the Mickey Rourke film ‘Angel Heart’, which I actually like, which I’ve seen multiple times, and which has never failed to pay me back with a nightmare the night I watch it. The rest of you, go dig deep into your recollections and your ids, and

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TheRevanchist

I will pick for Frokenshteen:

Young Frankenstein (pronounced frank-in-STEEN).

Beerguyrob

I didn’t see if anyone claimed “The Omen”, so ten year-old me hiding under my covers will claim that.
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Senor Weaselo

I claimed it!

Beerguyrob

Dammit!

Warthog

I think the Blair Witch Project is still available.

Beerguyrob

Nice!

Senor Weaselo

Third pick: The 40 seconds I saw of the Death Note live-action Netflix movie before Senorita Weaselo and I tried to burn it with extreme prejudice.

Two words: Light. Turner.

Last edited 3 years ago by Senor Weaselo
ArmedandHammered

Deliverance.

TheRevanchist

Pretty sure that was a documentary.

SonOfSpam

I thought it was a romantic comedy.

ArmedandHammered

It was, but I am from near that area, so for me it was terrifying.

Warthog

James Dickey was in residence at USC (south cackalacky) while I was there. I had to work with getting him (tangentially) to participate in some school events. He was exactly the drunken, lecherous southern writer who lived in a trailer who would write such a novel

LemonJello

Awaiting the Commissioner’s ruling.

2nd pick: Alien

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Last edited 3 years ago by LemonJello
Sharkbait

Ill take The Shining. Sorry Stephen, I like Kubrick’s version.

Gumbygirl

REDRUM!!!

Sharkbait

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Last edited 3 years ago by Sharkbait
ballsofsteelandfury

Do the Hallmark Christmas Movies count?

– S. Naut, Northern Ontario

ballsofsteelandfury

Btw, not sure if anyone is watching, but what Germany is doing to Latvia right now would certainly qualify for this draft.

5-0 at the half.

LemonJello

“HOW DARE THOSE IMPUDENT WORMS BESMIRCH….oh, Latvia? I thought you said Latveria. Carry on.”

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Senor Weaselo

The Latveria National Team is Doombots. Doesn’t matter the sport.

Gumbygirl

Final pick. SCANNERS!

WCS

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Gumbygirl

It will blow your mind

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WCS

Next selection:

The Mothman Prophecies
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I really enjoyed it.

litre_cola

Having a shit day and you clowns have made me laugh so much I have some sort of watery substance coming from my eyes.

WCS

Bloody good choice.

SonOfSpam

Considering yesterday’s anniversary, can I submit the first chunk of Saving Private Ryan? The whole D-Day invasion was utterly horrifying. (The good guys were ANTIFA for what it’s worth)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can i take From Dusk Til Dawn for my second pick? I think that counts as scary even if i wasn’t scared by it, but regardless Salma Hayek makes that worth drafting.

Last edited 3 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Senor Weaselo

Second pick: since The Thing is taken, I’m going with Us. Especially for the ending.

Senor Weaselo

And, barring that, I’ll take Blair Witch (though I also haven’t seen it).

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Man, I’m glad i drafted that since i appear to be the only one who saw it (in theaters)

Last edited 3 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
TheRevanchist

I’ve never seen it before, either, but that didn’t stop me.

Warthog

Pan’s Labyrinth.

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King Hippo

JESUS GOD THANK YOU FOAR BURNING THAT IMAGE INTO MAH PILL-ADDLED BRAIN

yeah right

That is a fantastic film. Tope ten in my book.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Return of the Living Dead. Eleven year-old me was terrified by the prospect of zombies that could not be killed. Teenage me was titillated by the sight of Leanna Quigley dancing naked. Adult me is amused by the zombie picking up the CB radio and telling the ambulance dispatched “send more paramedics”.
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LemonJello

It’s no Blair Witch Project but I’ll take Hellraiser with my first pick.

King Hippo

TRUE HIPPO FACT! I have NEVAR seen Blair Witch Project, so sadly I must leave it on the board.

SonOfSpam

Kinda surprised it’s still available.

WCS

John Carpenter’s The Thing
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Gumbygirl

Oh yes, this is a good pick.

Senor Weaselo

Ooh, good pick.

Warthog

Years later and I’m still puzzled about how many flamethrowers they had on hand at an arctic science station.

ArmedandHammered

If you could get away with it, wouldn’t you de-ice everything with a flamethrower?

ballsofsteelandfury

Obviously, my first pick will be The Blair Witch Project!

/ too much?
// nah, just right.
/// never saw it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If Blair Witch 2 isn’t available, I’ll take Demon Knight. Tales from the Crypt plus (IIRC) some sexiness plus your friend Billy Zane, he’s a cool dude.

Gumbygirl

My actual second pick is the original Carrie, with Sissy Spacek. I saw it in the balcony of a rickety old theater, higher than the ISS. When her hand came out of the grave, I’m pretty sure I had a heart attack. I DIED THAT DAY!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Gumbygirl

See?

Game Time Decision

can i pick the year 2020?
Goddamn that year was a shit show of horroUrs.

Gumbygirl

I was thinking of taking The Blair Witch Project as my second pick, but then I realized… I’ve never seen it.

Dunstan

I’m not really a horror movie guy, but I think the obvious correct pick here is “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.”

LemonJello

What drugs go with this?

ArmedandHammered

Nitrous Oxide

LemonJello

On it.

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Gumbygirl

Baby aspirin and Diet Coke. IN Diet Coke.

ArmedandHammered

I love how everyone is making fun of the Blair Witch movie, but you know if they set it in the mountains of NC, I would have believed it was a documentary. I have seen shit like the twigs turned into signs, which the hunters would use to mark their area. I have had people come out of the woods at night and just sit down at our fire and just look at us, till we offered what ever we were partaking and then they would talk to us. Fucking backwoods hicks, fuckers are scary in the mentally unbalanced sort of way. Plus the snake handlers and speaking in tongues churches were back in those woods.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Scary, of course is objective. If you find Nicholas Sparks movies scary, you go right ahead and draft them”

Do you not know the difference between objective and subjective? It’s a group of dummies like this that would leave the Blair Witch Project unpicked this far into a draft

TheRevanchist

Oh, man, that one movie Blair Witch Project. I’m taking that as my next selection. I didn’t know it wasn’t real, as I was tripping on qualudes and PCP with Keith Richards, who I thought was a gigantic squirrel at the time. So glad no one picked that movie yet.

Last edited 3 years ago by TheRevanchist
Gumbygirl

It’s on!

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Dunstan

Well, it’s only fitting that the horror movie draft should degenerate into a horror show.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1a. Shaun of the Dead.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Gumbygirl

Phantasm. Enough said.

TheRevanchist

That shit creeped me out. I don’t even know what the hell it was about, but it was nightmare fuel for me for years.

Gumbygirl

Me too. The low gravity place was terrifying. I saw it in high school, high as hell. Not a good plan.

TheRevanchist

I still refuse to watch it to this day.

Gumbygirl

Actually high gravity, now that I think of it. They were…compressed.

ArmedandHammered

Oh, fuck yeah.

SonOfSpam

Pretty sure no one has taken The Blair Witch Project, and of course one would have to know nothing about it going in. Also, I was high on ketamine and krokodil.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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litre_cola

I laughed way too much at this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. I’ll take Blair Witch Project, with the condition being that I got to see it before it was revealed that it was actually fiction. It must have been incredible to watch that genuinely believing that it was found footage.

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What the fuck is wrong with me, I know better than this. Someone give me a spanking, please.
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Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
yeah right

House of 1000 Corpses.

For non stop dread and degradation.

yeah right

It’s definitely his forte. I just love the slow build, the tension getting tighter and tighter then all bloody hell breaks loose. Yeah, that’s my shit right there.

King Hippo

Original Night of the Living Dead was serious nightmare fuel.

Gumbygirl

They filmed that not far from where I vrew up. A few years later, they flooded the little town for flood control, but the graveyard is still there. We used to go out there and scare the bejeebers out of ourselves. The guy who plays the reporter, Bill Cardille, was an actual reporter at the time for channel 11 in Pittsburgh. He later became the host of a Saturday night horror movie show called Chiller Theater. He was called Chilly Billy. My favorite part of the movie is when he interviews the police, and the cop says ” yeah, they’re dead, they’re all messed up.” I also knew a guy named Rocco who played a zombie. Didn’t take much makeup!

Last edited 3 years ago by Gumbygirl
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We want Chilly Billy! We want Chilly Billy!
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ArmedandHammered

The Big Short

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Fuck you!”
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Warthog

That this guy makes movies and people watch them scares the hell out of me.

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Beerguyrob

Does “Battle Royale” count as a scary movie?
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yeah right

It counts as an awesome movie.

litre_cola

Fulham’s 2020/2021 season. I still have scars.

Fronkenshteen

Jacob’s Ladder will MESS YOU UP.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What? YOU were the one haunting it!

King Hippo

oh yeah, and I am not even a vet/PTSD sufferer!

TheRevanchist

I pick a movie within a TV show within a movie, from Hollywood Shuffle, Attack of The Street Pimps.

https://youtu.be/PSmJNK9zhR0

Senor Weaselo

The Omen. The original one.

Warthog

On leave from the conflict overseas, my father would dump us off at the movie theater so he could enjoy his time off. Six year old me ended up watching the Time Machine and it scared the shit out of me like no other movie has.comment image
It’s laughably bad, but there’s no accounting for a 6 year old’s subconscious.

litre_cola

I was one of the folks who saw Blair Witch without knowing it was staged. I lived in the mountains in a forest at that time. We were on mushrooms when we watched it. 0 stars, not an enjoyable trip.

Don T

Exorcist III. Seeing the old folks crawling in the ceiling made me turn the VCR off. It was a morning.
Don’t think l finished it. I watched enough to remember Pat Ewing being in it.

Sharkbait

Exorcist is a masterpiece. Exorcist 2 featuring James Earl Jones in a locust suit kinda ruined the others for me
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Sharkbait

It was. Probably unintentional on their part, but it was.

King Hippo

Is it horror? Maybe not. But it’s the only movie that ever made me literally jump out of my seat in terror.

No Country For Old Men

Warthog

Same.

Sharkbait

Does Jaws count as horror?

ArmedandHammered

The Babadook

yeah right

That’s a damn good pick.

SonOfSpam

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yeah right

Hereditary.

You’ll thank me or hate me later.

SonOfSpam

That movie is all kinds of fucked up.

yeah right

Yep. My description exactly.