Monday Morning Mock Draft: Chapter The 14th

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.

I was toying with some ideas this evening, (contrary to popular, and well-founded, belief I do occasionally put some thought into these), and then Joilet Jake blamed Carol Burnett for breaking his hip, and that cinched it for the week. This week we will be drafting comedians.

Rules:

They have to be a comedian/comedienne. Living or dead, doesn’t matter. If you find them funny, and funny is subjective, (glares at BFC). go ahead and draft ’em. That said I swear to Christ that if anyone drafts Dane Cook I will find a way to have you flogged. Also, and this literally just occurred to me, let’s face it, comedians are a problematic lot. Whether it’s performing the Sin of Onan in front of a captive audience, doping women’s drinks in order to have sex with them, or grooming much, much younger women to get them to sleep with you, there are a lot of deeply shitty people doing comedy, now and in the past. You are drafting the comedy here, not the person. Drafting Bill Cosby, who was objectively (glares harder at BFC), and all-time great as a comedian does not mean that you approve of him as a person, as he seems to have been just as terrible a person as he was a great comedian. So, yes, draft Louis CK, or Cosby, or Chris D’Elia, (who, in addition to being a piece of shit, isn’t particularly funny either), without fear that doing so is an endorsement of their off-stage predilections.

In honoUr of convincing me, albeit unknowingly, (just like Bill Cosby’s dates and consent, amirite? Hey-O! Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the mutton), to go forward with this topic, the first pick goes to Joilet Jake Delhomme. Since I have know way of contacting Jake at this late hour, and because we’re under the gone with the union guys, (makes dismissive wanking gesture) (cue the ‘Laugh You Assholes’ and ‘Applause’ signs), and likely some UEFA posts, he’s taking one of the grand dames of comedy, Ms. Carol Burnett

Sorry about your hip Jake, but great pick. As you should know by now the rest of you should