One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one.
This week’s subject comes from the fertile mind of our tied-for-favoUrite cocaine-addled producer, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly. Fictional team that you would be the owner of. I have to admit that, while this subject intrigues me, nothing immediately leaps to mind. Which is kind of fun. I will, however, have some extra time to think of some picks, as he who smelt it dealt it, or something like that, so RTD gets the first pick.
I will expand the potential universe a bit by allowing you to also act as the athletic director or head coach for fictional high school or college teams as well.
— [door flies open] —
An incredibly handsome, incredibly sleazy Hollywood producer steps into the room.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi folks. With the first pick, I’ll inhabit the essence of “Tex” Wade, head coach of the Horny Toads of Old Tex University, from the 1988 film Johnny Be Good.
As head coach of the most transparently corrupt program the college world has ever seen (eat your heart out, SMU), this is my home, and these are my cars:
This is my back yard:
These are the prostitutes that, due to being sufficiently well-connected to the Texas underworld, I am apparently able to summon at the drop of a hat:
This is my wife (who is apparently into high school boys, but hey you can’t win ’em all):
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY takes a bow and then exits stage left.
—
You have your instructions, and assuming Rikki has his pick in, the rest of you
#BLESSED to be the newest owner of the Globo-Gym Purple Cobras.
https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AbsoluteThunderousConure-mobile.mp4
Oh F this site and it’s link nonsense….
The Tastes Great Softball team.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_yuS8txoUU
Huge mistake not taking Less Filling
5. I’ve got two football teams, one meat judging team, one god only knows kinda sorta like space football team, so I’ll round things out with a softball team.
That’s WKRP, in case it’s too blurry to make out.
Loni’s presence made it pretty obvious.
I’m late to this draft, but I’ll content myself with the drinking team from Beerfest.
My first pick should cover the Swedish team in Beerfest but in case it doesn’t, that’s my next pick.
The American one?
Yeah, as much as I’d like to take the Canadian one, they just get a background appearance and I think bow out in the quarterfinals or something according to the draw sheet. Clearly a big scandal must have ensued.
The 1989 Cleveland
Indiansbaseball squadron.So, they have a full-size cutout of you in their locker room, and remove a piece of “clothing” from it every time they win?
3 – Archers of Loaf-crosse, the lacrosse team that Archer creates when on the island. Cause then I’d get to play lacrosse and hang out with Sterling Archer.
WOoooooooooooooooooHooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Dude, you’re killing it in this draft!
thanks, trying to make up for last week when I was busy at work and couldn’t think of anything good
Sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds
I was gonna take this but thought better of it.
GI Joe. I would get to interrogate the Baroness.
This was probably covered in the “Cartoons You’d Have Sex” with draft back in Week 2, but people started drafting the Thundercats as a sports team, so I am well past the point of caring.
I know, sorry to be such a pain today, but this Monday has sucked from the get go and I decided to share the irritation. Now to eat edibles and try to regain some fucks to give.
It’s a mock draft, my friend: bending the rules and ruthlessly mocking each other is what it’s all about in the first place.
see, e.g. The Blair Witch Project
Weird performer, but like the song…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqbk9cDX0l0
Team Edibles! Of the DFO league.
Thundercats opened the door!
Most imaginary team ever composed by thoughts of a deranged mad man: The corporate team.
I’ll take the Carver High School basketball team from The White Shadow. I’ve always wanted to be a Magical Caucasian.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2-b0MidBjU&ab_channel=11db11
2- the Barden Bellas from Pitch Perfect cause damn those ladies can siiiiiiiiing
I would kick out Anna Kendrick, because she is annoying.
She is! And she walks like she has a pole up her ass.
I can’t fault her for that last part. I mean, whom amongst us?
I will claim her off the waiver wire, because she is delightful.
I know someone who worked with her who said she is indeed delightful.
Will nawt be letting her go to waivers
Jeff “The Dude” Lewbowski, Walter Sobchak, and Theodore Donald “Donny” Kerabatsos
Shit. I was just scrolling to see if that was still here!
WCS is crushing this draft
With my next pick, I select The Santa Barbarians from Psych:
ANNOUNCER: …and the sports world is agape at the news that disgraced former Swedish Bikini Team owner/coach Balls Ofsteelandfury has been given a second chance…
Do the Thundercats count? Fuck it, going Thundercats.
Polk high-school football team, so I can share in the 5 TDs in a single game glory with Al Bundy
This is an excellent choice!
Inspired by WCS, I will take over the Dallas Felons and not try and ruin the league. Also, best cheerleaders.
The Milwaukee Beers
Aw shit, this is the steal of the draft
Who wants to own that stupid league? The poor owners can’t even exploit competing cities for handouts and miscellaneous carpet laying.
I would proudly own the Hostile Takeover Bank Racing Team.
The Bayside High footall team.
I was going to go with the A-Team. Then I realized that the costs of ammunition and replacement grills for the van would bankrupt me in 6 months
The cost of welding equipment and scrap metal to make a VW Bug into a tank is also a little steep.
“Listen, if you didn’t properly budget for replacement grills you will get ZERO sympathy from me.” – Coach Reid
Going back to the well from last week and taking the Washington Sentinels (stripper cheerleader edition)
Quality pick right here
I’ll take the Unseen University football team
I am never losing another softball game.
/revision/latest?cb=20120623211715
4. Crazy how I keep ending up in Texas, but this is my favorite pick so far: The Heimlich County Junior College Meat Judging Team.
Analyst Andy Reid has given this draft choice his highest possible grade: Prime.
Going back to the future (TM) and picking the Pituitary Giants of the Intergalactic Blernsball League.
Edited to finally get a gif that works.
I am not a Harry Potter guy but I’ll take the Gryffindor quidditch team and hold it hostage for a Hershel Walker-esque trade
/revision/latest?cb=20161119004725
Ginny don’t bludger.
The most best team ever.
“It’s not about sex, Gary. It’s about trust.”
The Lady Fighting Canucks go up 1-0 late on the USWNT.
The USWNT will play for the bronze.
Not gonna lie, after the way they celebrated beating Thailand like 11-0 a couple of years back I’ve not been a big fan. That said, pay them their money US Soccer, you cheap fucks.
[redacted – off topic]
I was just going to draft his medical team and then bench them.
ANNOUNCER: …and Coach Hornblower is replacing the lead doctor with….an instagram influencer? A truly shocking decision, and one that seems like it will cost him the game. We’re all scratching our heads in the booth here, what is Coach H up to?
All three of my first picks likely would have survived the duration of the draft, but I’m genuinely surprised the Springfield Isotopes are still on the board.
/revision/latest?cb=20100518210902
(to be clear, this is me taking the Isotopes)
I was waiting for my half hour to expire to exploit that technicality. Dammit.
I thought my “new god” gif below would have tipped people to think of the Simpsons, but it looks like they stuck to their boards.
3. I think I could go for some fictional Premiere league ownership
https://youtu.be/mJml_HdFk78
Just beat Arsenal 3-1
3. I’ll take the helm of “Tigers” of the Galactic…uh, whatever the hell sport this is…League. (from Starship Troopers)
Ooh, an even better example of “the beautiful game” as it is known on Rigel-7.
I’m not even sure if that was a high school thing or a college thing.
They don’t have college in the Starship Troopers universe. Just the military.
Arguably I’m essentially using slave labor here, but since I’m already injecting cartoons with the finest of Chinese PEDs, I’m going ahead and taking the original Mean Machine
Slave labor *and* a copyright violation! My man is on a roll!
Go big or go home.
Glad to see this got the early pick. “I think I broke his fucking neck!”
Clydesdale FC
Just beat Arsenal 2-0
To be fair (to be fairrrr) I think they’d run the table in any league.
“Love this pick.” – John Elway
Figo, Roberto Carlos, Not yet Fat Ronaldo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux2BJtolUDI
With my second pick, I’ll take the Los Angeles Thunderbirds, from that one episode of Psych. Got me a sweet piece of LA real estate!/revision/latest?cb=20130701024845&path-prefix=psychusa
They were on my draft board, but I’m worse than the Browns at this.
Stupid .jpg not being an actual JPEG
Been more than 30 and i have to pop into meetings, so my 3rd pick will be the 2015 Back to the Future Cubs who swept the World Series in 5, so presumably it was a best of 9? Regardless, I would own the first Cubs champs since 1908, suck on that, Ricketts family and also possibly Biff Tannen.
It’s been more than a half hour. I can’t dominate the real Olympics, but I can certainly dominate the Laffalympics.
/revision/latest?cb=20190718081505
You thought they cheated before, but when I take over I’m going full East German Olympic Committee and shooting them up with enough PEDs to give Lance Armstrong a headache.
I’ll go with another fictional Houston team.
Nuts, there goes my third rounder.
You can still draft the Kazakh team from the remake. Although, also, that movie sucked out loud.
The New York team would’ve been a good choice, but they all died in the last game.
Does sort of limit their future success.
For my next pick, I will buy in with Jackie Moon to co-own the Flint Tropics. LET’S GET TROPICAL.
https://youtu.be/CAHptwgWPCc
Given the current vacancy, I’ll step in as head coach of the West Canaan Coyotes from the film (not the scandal) Varsity Blues. Given that football is the only thing in their shallow, pathetic lives that those small-minded villagers care about, I will be a God to the people of that town.
Those townspeople when my hiring is announced (artist’s conception):
A big fish in a tiny hick pond!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5Xp9hvTvPk
I do now Dennis, I do.
But are you staying in Charleston?
Possibly. If not I’ll move them to Hartford or Quebec City.
As Commissioner, with all the inflated sense of ego that entails, I immediately promote the Hartford Chiefs to the NHL.
We can discuss the problematic name at a later date.
/Glares at Blackhawks
YES! Hockey is COMING BACK to Hartford!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw
I’ll take the Pittsburgh Fish as long as I can sign Dr J in his prime.
Gotham Rogues
Gettin’ a new stadium, baby!
Changed my mind. The owner of the Houston Texans.
A) Not a team
B) Not fictional
If it is not a team then how is it not fictional?
GLOW was a group of women doing scripted wrestling routines and the occasional Xmas special, and it was an actual real thing back in the 80’s.
Also I wasn’t happy with the 3rd season and am a petty, bitter person.
But you do seem determined, and you did send me a lot of beer, and I can be bribed, so after due consideration I will allow it.
Then I go back to my original choice as the owner of the Netflix version of GLOW.
THAT WAS WHAT GOT YOU THE WILLY WONKA REPRIMAND IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
You know, if you people aren’t even going to try….
Well, since I can’t ruin Goodell’s or Betman’s lives, you were next in line….
Well played, sir. Well played.
/revision/latest/top-crop/width/360/height/450?cb=20071229213856
Double fictional!
Can you easily traverse between universes? Cause as much fun as the future looks to be, it would also be interesting to spend time hanging out with a talking dog.
Considering what we learn about Globetrotter Planet in Futurama, I am pretty sure dimensional travel is in play, with all Globetrotter instances ultimately tracing back to the same source and just roaming the multiverse, challenging planets to games of basketball for no reason, and with nothing at stake but the shame of defeat
“Mmm…jive turkeys…” – Coach Andy
I’ll take the Cougars from ESPN’s Playmakers and fuck the NFL for getting it pulled
https://youtu.be/zJZJ2KlWN2o
I don’t care if it doesn’t hold up anymore i loved that show in college
I’d retain Hannah Waddingham as co-owner in this scenario
Easy peasy!
I’d like to be the coach, personal trainer, and massage therapist for The Swedish Bikini Team!
Can I be the sunscreen/body lotion application manager?
Done!
And you won’t even need to learn Swedish!
You’ll barely need to know English.
SPORTCENTER ANCHOR: Breaking news, Coach Steelandfury of the Swedish Bikini Team has been terminated by the organization after nine members of the team filed a massive sexual harrassment suit against him. “How was I supposed to know it was illegal for me to coerce my employees into having sex with me?” the coach responded in a statement. Coach Steelandfury is reportedly in talks to join the Washington Football Team as a special advisor.