Monday Morning Mock Draft: Chapter the 17th

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one.

This week’s subject comes from the fertile mind of our tied-for-favoUrite cocaine-addled producer, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly. Fictional team that you would be the owner of. I have to admit that, while this subject intrigues me, nothing immediately leaps to mind. Which is kind of fun. I will, however, have some extra time to think of some picks, as he who smelt it dealt it, or something like that, so RTD gets the first pick.

I will expand the potential universe a bit by allowing you to also act as the athletic director or head coach for fictional high school or college teams as well.

— [door flies open] —

An incredibly handsome, incredibly sleazy Hollywood producer steps into the room.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi folks.  With the first pick, I’ll inhabit the essence of “Tex” Wade, head coach of the Horny Toads of Old Tex University, from the 1988 film Johnny Be Good.

As head coach of the most transparently corrupt program the college world has ever seen (eat your heart out, SMU), this is my home, and these are my cars:

This is my back yard:

These are the prostitutes that, due to being sufficiently well-connected to the Texas underworld, I am apparently able to summon at the drop of a hat:

This is my wife (who is apparently into high school boys, but hey you can’t win ’em all):

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY takes a bow and then exits stage left.

You have your instructions, and assuming Rikki has his pick in, the rest of you

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blaxabbath

#BLESSED to be the newest owner of the Globo-Gym Purple Cobras.

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AbsoluteThunderousConure-mobile.mp4

blaxabbath

Oh F this site and it’s link nonsense….

Sharkbait

The Tastes Great Softball team.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_yuS8txoUU

Dunstan

Huge mistake not taking Less Filling

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. I’ve got two football teams, one meat judging team, one god only knows kinda sorta like space football team, so I’ll round things out with a softball team.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s WKRP, in case it’s too blurry to make out.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Loni’s presence made it pretty obvious.

Dunstan

I’m late to this draft, but I’ll content myself with the drinking team from Beerfest.

ballsofsteelandfury

My first pick should cover the Swedish team in Beerfest but in case it doesn’t, that’s my next pick.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The American one?

Dunstan

Yeah, as much as I’d like to take the Canadian one, they just get a background appearance and I think bow out in the quarterfinals or something according to the draw sheet. Clearly a big scandal must have ensued.

WCS

The 1989 Cleveland Indians baseball squadron.
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Last edited 3 years ago by WCS
Dunstan

So, they have a full-size cutout of you in their locker room, and remove a piece of “clothing” from it every time they win?

WCS

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Game Time Decision

3 – Archers of Loaf-crosse, the lacrosse team that Archer creates when on the island. Cause then I’d get to play lacrosse and hang out with Sterling Archer.

WOoooooooooooooooooHooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ballsofsteelandfury

Dude, you’re killing it in this draft!

Game Time Decision

thanks, trying to make up for last week when I was busy at work and couldn’t think of anything good

Last edited 3 years ago by Game Time Decision
Gumbygirl

Sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds

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scotchnaut

I was gonna take this but thought better of it.

ArmedandHammered

GI Joe. I would get to interrogate the Baroness.

ArmedandHammered

I know, sorry to be such a pain today, but this Monday has sucked from the get go and I decided to share the irritation. Now to eat edibles and try to regain some fucks to give.

ArmedandHammered

Weird performer, but like the song…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqbk9cDX0l0

Gumbygirl

Team Edibles! Of the DFO league.

Gumbygirl

Thundercats opened the door!

The-Powerpuff-Girls-Bubbles-Blossom-Buttercup.jpg
TheRevanchist

Most imaginary team ever composed by thoughts of a deranged mad man: The corporate team.

Happy-corporate-team.jpg
scotchnaut

I’ll take the Carver High School basketball team from The White Shadow. I’ve always wanted to be a Magical Caucasian.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2-b0MidBjU&ab_channel=11db11

Game Time Decision

2- the Barden Bellas from Pitch Perfect cause damn those ladies can siiiiiiiiing

TheRevanchist

I would kick out Anna Kendrick, because she is annoying.

Gumbygirl

She is! And she walks like she has a pole up her ass.

TheRevanchist

I can’t fault her for that last part. I mean, whom amongst us?

Dunstan

I will claim her off the waiver wire, because she is delightful.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know someone who worked with her who said she is indeed delightful.

Game Time Decision

Will nawt be letting her go to waivers

WCS

Jeff “The Dude” Lewbowski, Walter Sobchak, and Theodore Donald “Donny” Kerabatsos
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Gumbygirl

Shit. I was just scrolling to see if that was still here!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

WCS is crushing this draft

ballsofsteelandfury

With my next pick, I select The Santa Barbarians from Psych:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ANNOUNCER: …and the sports world is agape at the news that disgraced former Swedish Bikini Team owner/coach Balls Ofsteelandfury has been given a second chance…

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Do the Thundercats count? Fuck it, going Thundercats.

thundercats-e1617307095185.jpg
Game Time Decision

Polk high-school football team, so I can share in the 5 TDs in a single game glory with Al Bundy

ballsofsteelandfury

This is an excellent choice!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Inspired by WCS, I will take over the Dallas Felons and not try and ruin the league. Also, best cheerleaders.
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WCS

The Milwaukee Beers
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Aw shit, this is the steal of the draft

blaxabbath

Who wants to own that stupid league? The poor owners can’t even exploit competing cities for handouts and miscellaneous carpet laying.

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blaxabbath

I would proudly own the Hostile Takeover Bank Racing Team.

ChickHicksCars3.png
TheRevanchist

The Bayside High footall team.

Bayside High.png
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I was going to go with the A-Team. Then I realized that the costs of ammunition and replacement grills for the van would bankrupt me in 6 months

TheRevanchist

The cost of welding equipment and scrap metal to make a VW Bug into a tank is also a little steep.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Listen, if you didn’t properly budget for replacement grills you will get ZERO sympathy from me.” – Coach Reid

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Going back to the well from last week and taking the Washington Sentinels (stripper cheerleader edition)

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Quality pick right here

Doktor Zymm

I’ll take the Unseen University football team comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Crazy how I keep ending up in Texas, but this is my favorite pick so far: The Heimlich County Junior College Meat Judging Team.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Analyst Andy Reid has given this draft choice his highest possible grade: Prime.

Warthog

Going back to the future (TM) and picking the Pituitary Giants of the Intergalactic Blernsball League.

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Edited to finally get a gif that works.

Last edited 3 years ago by Warthog
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am not a Harry Potter guy but I’ll take the Gryffindor quidditch team and hold it hostage for a Hershel Walker-esque trade
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blaxabbath

Ginny don’t bludger.

TheRevanchist

The most best team ever.

team-america-jpg-1200x675.jpg
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It’s not about sex, Gary. It’s about trust.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[redacted – off topic]

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ANNOUNCER: …and Coach Hornblower is replacing the lead doctor with….an instagram influencer? A truly shocking decision, and one that seems like it will cost him the game. We’re all scratching our heads in the booth here, what is Coach H up to?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

All three of my first picks likely would have survived the duration of the draft, but I’m genuinely surprised the Springfield Isotopes are still on the board.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

(to be clear, this is me taking the Isotopes)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought my “new god” gif below would have tipped people to think of the Simpsons, but it looks like they stuck to their boards.

Doktor Zymm

3. I think I could go for some fictional Premiere league ownership
https://youtu.be/mJml_HdFk78

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. I’ll take the helm of “Tigers” of the Galactic…uh, whatever the hell sport this is…League. (from Starship Troopers)
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, an even better example of “the beautiful game” as it is known on Rigel-7.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They don’t have college in the Starship Troopers universe. Just the military.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Slave labor *and* a copyright violation! My man is on a roll!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Glad to see this got the early pick. “I think I broke his fucking neck!”

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Warthog

Clydesdale FC

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Warthog

To be fair (to be fairrrr) I think they’d run the table in any league.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Love this pick.” – John Elway

litre_cola

Figo, Roberto Carlos, Not yet Fat Ronaldo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux2BJtolUDI

Doktor Zymm

With my second pick, I’ll take the Los Angeles Thunderbirds, from that one episode of Psych. Got me a sweet piece of LA real estate!comment image/revision/latest?cb=20130701024845&path-prefix=psychusa

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They were on my draft board, but I’m worse than the Browns at this.

Doktor Zymm

Stupid .jpg not being an actual JPEG

The_Thunderdome.gif
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Been more than 30 and i have to pop into meetings, so my 3rd pick will be the 2015 Back to the Future Cubs who swept the World Series in 5, so presumably it was a best of 9? Regardless, I would own the first Cubs champs since 1908, suck on that, Ricketts family and also possibly Biff Tannen.
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Warthog

I’ll go with another fictional Houston team.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nuts, there goes my third rounder.

Warthog

The New York team would’ve been a good choice, but they all died in the last game.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

For my next pick, I will buy in with Jackie Moon to co-own the Flint Tropics. LET’S GET TROPICAL.

https://youtu.be/CAHptwgWPCc

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Given the current vacancy, I’ll step in as head coach of the West Canaan Coyotes from the film (not the scandal) Varsity Blues. Given that football is the only thing in their shallow, pathetic lives that those small-minded villagers care about, I will be a God to the people of that town.
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Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Those townspeople when my hiring is announced (artist’s conception):
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Doktor Zymm

A big fish in a tiny hick pond!

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Possibly. If not I’ll move them to Hartford or Quebec City.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

YES! Hockey is COMING BACK to Hartford!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
yeah right

I’ll take the Pittsburgh Fish as long as I can sign Dr J in his prime.

ArmedandHammered

Changed my mind. The owner of the Houston Texans.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

If it is not a team then how is it not fictional?

ArmedandHammered

Then I go back to my original choice as the owner of the Netflix version of GLOW.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Well, since I can’t ruin Goodell’s or Betman’s lives, you were next in line….

Doktor Zymm

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Double fictional!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can you easily traverse between universes? Cause as much fun as the future looks to be, it would also be interesting to spend time hanging out with a talking dog.
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Doktor Zymm

Considering what we learn about Globetrotter Planet in Futurama, I am pretty sure dimensional travel is in play, with all Globetrotter instances ultimately tracing back to the same source and just roaming the multiverse, challenging planets to games of basketball for no reason, and with nothing at stake but the shame of defeat

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Mmm…jive turkeys…” – Coach Andy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take the Cougars from ESPN’s Playmakers and fuck the NFL for getting it pulled

https://youtu.be/zJZJ2KlWN2o

I don’t care if it doesn’t hold up anymore i loved that show in college

Sharkbait

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I’d retain Hannah Waddingham as co-owner in this scenario

ballsofsteelandfury

Easy peasy!

I’d like to be the coach, personal trainer, and massage therapist for The Swedish Bikini Team!
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ArmedandHammered

Can I be the sunscreen/body lotion application manager?

ballsofsteelandfury

Done!

Doktor Zymm

And you won’t even need to learn Swedish!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

SPORTCENTER ANCHOR: Breaking news, Coach Steelandfury of the Swedish Bikini Team has been terminated by the organization after nine members of the team filed a massive sexual harrassment suit against him. “How was I supposed to know it was illegal for me to coerce my employees into having sex with me?” the coach responded in a statement. Coach Steelandfury is reportedly in talks to join the Washington Football Team as a special advisor.