Listen all! This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to killing, and killing gets to warring. And that was damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Busted up, and everyone talking about COVID Variants! But we’ve learned, by the dust of them all… DFO learned. Now, when teams get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two teams enter; one team leaves!
And then the other team leaves. No one’s actually gonna die unnecessarily. It’s preseason football, not Florida.
It’s been a long strange Spring and Summer since the Super Bowl. We laughed! We cried! We got jabbed in the arm so that bunkering in our homes being antisocial was optional instead of mandatory! The draft came and went, several big trades were made, the Texans became the Greatest Shitshow on Turf without even setting foot on the field and Indianapolis decided to hold training camp in the middle of a fucking minefield. It’s a brand new year, with brand new football to opiate your masses.
Welcome home, you magnificent bastards.
For starters, we actually have a preseason this year. I admit that I kind of enjoyed last year’s “Fuck it, let’s just start the regular season” approach. It added spice, and we avoided the spate of Avoidable Training Camp Injuries that routinely kill at least one team’s season before it even starts. This year, each team plays three preseason games instead of the four that were played in The Beforetimes. It’s unclear how different teams will use their players under the new system– some will want their starters to tune up, others will continue to use at least one game to evaluate “bubble” players and work out depth chart issues. I anticipate Dan Campbell will use at least one game to evaluate players’ willingness and skill at kneecap-biting.
To The Game!
Dallas @ Pittsburgh: Well fuck. Yes, we have football back, but it’s a fucking dud between two of the least likeable teams in the last 4 decades.
The Non-Gendered Cowpersons (Dallas, or “NGCPs”) got rid of Jim Tomsula and kept Mike McCarthy, which is just fucking daft. DAK! Prescott has gone from loveable yogurt-shill fighting The Man for just compensation to just another coy HIPAA-citing fuckwit who is either too stupid to guard his own multi-million dollar health or too scared of alienating the seething mass of Texas shitkickers who already barely tolerate an “urban” quarterback running their beloved team. Their defense is still shit. McCarthy is apparently thinking he can outscore his own defense’s ineptness like he did at the start of last year, which will result in Prescott getting crushed into tiny boneless cubes of ham by midseason.
I wanted to love the Steelers. Mike Tomlin seems like a mostly-respectable guy. They had a 3-4 defense when everyone else was reliant on 4-3 maulers. Shittsburgh continues to trot out the corpse of Ben Roethlisberger at quarterback. The upside is that the beatings he has taken mean he is probably too slow, shambling and sore to rape anyone in a bathroom. His backups are a racist who got savagely beaten by Myles Garrett and an idiot who got savagely beaten by his wife for giving another woman $20k in gifts. The rest of the team is completely without personality, except for Watt the Younger, whose personality is Grit.
Fuckit. Any football is good football
LET’S DO THIS!
I’ll say it again – the only way Olympic canoeing could possibly be interesting is if they combined it with archery to make a spicy summer biathlon.
They could put small cannons on them too, then it would be perfect.
Work in some lithe gymnasts and you got a fucking sport
“Am here!” -Slobodan
Archery would fit the whole “archaic and tiring ways to do things” motif though…
Really old pirate ship cannons?
Grapeshot. gotta use grapeshot.
Yup.
“Grapeshot? Grapes are soft! They can’t hurt m–”
– the guy on the ship who’s never heard of grapeshot
Cowher left him a can of Vitamin I.
True story.
My friend is an idiot and a Ravens fan, yes I know one in the same
So he goes to a Steelers game in Shitsburgh and Baltimore wins.
Cower was in town and my buddy sees him in the hotel lobby and yells, “You fucking suck!”
Cower flipped him off.
Yep, he’s a Yinzer AND a Wolven Sort alumnus.
I’ve been playing this on weekends. It’s relaxing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8eYqNNxICE&ab
Can you release a giant Kaiju monster to destroy the land that game?
I guess the announcers aren’t going mention that cool catch.
I am old enough to remember when they waited until Q4 to forget about the game action.
I hope the Fox special about Clint Eastwood includes footage of him talking to the chair at the RNC.
Seems like something they’d do and portray it as a heroic moment of clarity and defiance, instead of the weird, pathetic show it turned out to be.
Claypool is a wet bag of shit unless he is playing against my fantasy squadron.
What did Primus ever do to you?
King Hippo had a girlfriend named Wynona.
Micah is quick.
You think Cowher could afford an upper lip transplant
The City installed a roundabout on a busy road near me instead of a light or 4 way stop. Every trip home has been highlight of my day. I’ve seen numerous fights, honked horns, and at least 2 live fender benders.
That will be the next coordinated it’s a libtard homo Jew woke conspiracy the GOP bleats about.
You know where there are a lot of roundabouts? Socialist Europe, that’s where!
So I found this
A pineapple growing a squid?
Apparently NBC isn’t even going to *try* competing with football tonight. They’re showing shit like speedwalking and skateboarding.
are they making them compete at the same time on the same road? Because I’d watch that shit.
Gilbert Gottfried found work? That’s nice.
Love child of Greg Gilbert
He’s one of the funniest motherfuckers every born, I mean he’s no Robin Williams…
His “Aristocrats” is goddamned perfection
So my phone battery started charging real slow this weekend. Overnight it would only go from 70% to 80%. When using it, the charge would pretty much stay steady with the charger engaged. But yesterday it stopped keeping up and was losing charge even with the charger plugged in. I charged my Kindle from 0 to 100% in about 3 hours, so I knew it wasn’t the charger. The result was 1-1/2 hours in the Verizon store and a new phone. My old one was paid off a couple months ago, so I am not going to take a big hit on the monthly billing, probably won’t even notice.
Went to the HEB while I was out, got to the front door and realized I had left my mask in the car. Looking around, I saw only about 50% masked so I figured fuck it. Walking around the store with no mask made me feel like my wang was hanging out.
Welcome back all those of you who have been on sabbatical, it’s nice to see almost 100 comments this early in the game.
Now to enjoy the effects of a couple edibles and a bottle of cab. I may become more incomprehensible here tonight than normal. Or fall asleep.
I first saw that sentence as “Went to the HEBE” and I was like, Wow, that’s pretty harsh. Then I realized it was HEB.
My wife went to Baylor (she’s not a typical Baylor type, thankfully), and she said a lot of people called the HEB in Waco “Heeb,” including calling the one frequented by Indians and Pakistanis “Taj Ma-heeb.”
Probably the least surprising thing to come out of Waco since David Koresh’s charred remains.
Yeah, it’s not particularly progressive now. Imagine how it was 15-ish years ago.
Probably didn’t even say “I’m sorry if you were offended” after raping someone.
Apologizing isn’t Baylor’s strong suit, that’s for sure.
I would say a massive rape scandal at a university presided over by Ken Starr was considerably less surprising than the Branch Davidians.
We’re back to that weird time like last year where no one really knew if they should wear a mask or not… except we all know we should and no one wants to. I’m fully vaccinated but have started wearing a mask in public places again (HEB, Target, etc.) because I don’t want to fuck around and get sick or risk infecting others. Harris County judge is gonna raise COVID threat level to red–the highest level–and we’re probably going to see mask mandates come back.
I will wear a mask if the store/bidness requests it. For an asshole, I am really quite polite.
But it’s trying to put out a fire with a teaspoon. Fuck the willingly unvaccinated, the blood is on their hands, and their hands alone.
Oh, I’m with you on the “fuck the willingly unvaccinated” train. It’s really mostly just to protect myself. Delta is hitting Texas HARD (thanks, GOP!) and there’s really no end in sight.
I am re-upping my recluse game, fo sho
Gumby got the J and J. They aren’t talking much about how it’s handling Delta, so we are going to be careful and try to stay away from the morons.
That’s what I got, too. I’m all the way open for a booster as well, if it comes to it. Stick me, daddy; I don’t want COVID!
Yeah, I’m retracting into my shell again.
Badly, considering the Dirt Giants.
Free Guy looks like a churning pile of maggot infested shit
Counterpoint: I enjoy Ryan Reynolds movies and am looking forward to watching it.
I also spent last night watching ‘Fear Street: 1994’ so maybe don’t take my opinion as relevant to anything.
Is that fear street any good?
It’s gory fun.
Maybe don’t watch it with your 20-year-old daughter who’s recovering from wisdom teeth being removed, because the lesbian make-out scenes are awkward.
Awkward lesbian make out scenes, man that’s gotta be some fancy CGI at work
I enjoy that he bought Wrexham FC with Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And I like to imagine Sweet Dee’s face (Mac’s real-life wife) when he told her he wanted to but a fourth-tier Lesser Footy squadron.
Oh absolutely. I do honestly think those guys will invest and they will start to come up.
That’s what would get me to try Footy Manager 2021. Working for those guys!
They can’t even leave Philly, much less Pennsylvania. They ain’t going to England.
Although seeing those assholes in England would be funny as HELL.
Also, I desperately want The Gang Goes to the League Two Playoff Final.
The jerseys have been sold out since they premiered. I have been checking 2 to 3 times a week since. The green away jerseys look like vomit, so I may have to wait a year.
See, I need a way to kill braincells that’s not going to undercut my diet or land me in jail. That movie looks about square on for that
that pass was very…floaty
Whoopsie-doodle
Mason Boogaloodolph with a nice pass.
How could one NOT HAIL GAMBLOR on Pumas de Tabasco?
Ah Secondo Pumas, yes them and Tapatio always.
having no impulse control is funner than hayell
I want to get the piston gun from No Country for Old Men and turn Mike Tomlin into swiss cheese
Heads or tails?
Probably gonna dip in n’ out for awhile due to being a responsible father (or trying to, at least), but in the meantime:
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ BOYS
Football’s back!!!!
YEEEE HAWWW!
“It smells like football. Wait, I meant it smells like MEATBALL.”
Erin, you’re in Ohio. You’re a bit overdressed.
sorry here’s hte pic
that pup’s gonna be yuuuuge
Right now she’s all legs, vet says she’ll top out at 90-100 pounds.
At Stubb’s barbecue, that unit is known as the “Reid”.
The pup at 5 months, with the boy, I forget how old he is
The same Dan Quinn as the Falcons collapse? Interesting move McCarthy.
What cadaver did Joe Buck steal that hair from?
He’s really getting desperate, trying to earn Troy’s affections
He knows how to please his man.
The two old fuckers who didn’t look all there? Strangely enough, not players (Flores and Tagliabue)
Peyton’s forehead only continues to grow.
Yeah, HGH will do that to you.
No, no, it’s Ashley’s HGH.
yeah, he was always a little spooky, but going Full Herman Munster
.
One day, Terry Bradshaw, I’ll stick acid down your fucking piehole
Can’t imagine what he would be like if he were tripping balls on 500 mikes of Owsley’s LSD.
Can’t imagine anyone would know the difference.
My son bursts into the room: “Dad! Dad! I won the first gold medal for America in Olympic Speedwalking!”
Me: “I have no son.”
“That’s great, son. Why don’t you speedwalk your way to Gayville!”
Tom Flores underarm skin looks like flesh curtains
THIS HALL OF FAME GAME, I CALL IT SEX WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR AND NO ONE WINDS UP CARING WHAT HAPPENED
I know. She told me.
I always had a crush on Fawn Leibowitz
That’s her roommate, Shelley Dubinski.
Fawn died in a kiln explosion.
Honestly one of the funniest sequences in the entire movie. While looking for that picture I learned that the actress, Lisa Baur, never did another movie and now owns a candle shop in New Zealand.
As our beloved manbun sporting sportswriter might say: Weird.
Like he said: he always had a crush on Fawn Leibowitz
I meant I crushed Fawn Leibowitz as I ran out of the pottery room before the giant kiln explosion.
“She was making me a vase”
Fucking Otter.
Jimmy Johnson must smell awful. Edge looks disgusted to be standing beside him.
HOW IN THE BLOOMIN ONION FUCK YOU DOIN BOYS?
I got a blister on my heel from jogging too much. But I need to jog because am a fatass. I cant reduce the size of my ass without running. Am at a standstill here
More pizza. That’s always the answer. Put a slice in each shoe for maximum comfort
Elliptical. I switched over and probably saved my knees.
Saved them for a couple of years, most likely, but still.
/pantomimes two fingers down the throat
-ghost of Karen C.
“Wow, she did the same thing when I asked for her phone number!”
-ghost of tWBS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWY1iuPAkyM
Hail the conquering hero, back from the ends of the earth! Glad you’re back Fozzie, we missed you
It’s been a very shitball year, and I’ve been remiss from visiting this place, which in retrospect would have done wonders for my attitude
The fun never stops, huh? I hope things are better now, you are a valuable member of the team!
Bill Cowher looks like he has the AIDS. I hope he don’t!
People are collapsing in the speedwalking event.
What is going on?
Global warming
Little known fact is that Bill Gates has money on the line and is dropping the walkers who have been vaccinated.
I see I don’t have to do the Dallas preview this year.
Thanks, Rev!
I am going to sternly disapprove if my Donks nonsense is the only one we gets.
Oh I’m sure I’ll send 2,000 perfectly good words to their doom saying the exact same thing Rev said in one paragraph.
That’s the spirit!!
I’ve got 3 in process
As the resident (somewhat former) Texans fan, I can write one for Houston. It’ll mostly consist of “Jesus fucking Christ, you guys,” but I’ll gladly submit that.
Wow, these Fox guys, except Howie look a bit…thick.
oh indeed and we need MUCH MOAR male body-shaming
these are some hideously ugly fuckers on the panel, even beyond the big fat fatty factoUr
Hey, I’m tubby too, it was just an observation!
I suspect we are all somewhat festively plump. But we don’t have to look at ourselves on teh teevee!!
I lost 105 lbs in the first year after my gastric bypass. 20 months of WFH sedentary recliner living has resulted in a gain back of 25 lbs, but it has stabilized over the last 6 months (I think because I pretty much stopped snacking but have compensated for it by increasing my alcohol intake). At 5’10” and 225 lbs I am still a bit chubby, but not life-threatening overweight like when I weighed 305.
Nice. Stayed on the diet i started in November. Diet and exercise. Took off the easy weight. Am only losing a pound a week. I know am gaining muscle but the fat is slowly burning off. I’ve accepted am too old for my metabolism is gone.
The nerve damage to my feet from the diabeteez has matured and it looks like it’s permanent, so exercise is problematic. I worry I can feel the effects of muscle atrophy in my lower legs and arms from lack of regular use.
Appointment with the podiatrist Monday morning, I reckon we’ll try to find a way forward. It’s hard to get my head around being disabled like this for the next 20 years.
“Have you considered not having diabetes?”
-Greg Abbott
I caught it from an illegal alien from Mexico!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dC48Y4Fk34&ab
This game should be Donks v. Jest, to make up for Steve “The Smiling Assassin” Atwater having to wait so long for his gold jacket.
Suicide Squad is gonna premiere tomorrow on HBOmax. Not like anything else is on to watch
ah would rather watch an actual suicide
Oh, don’t be like that. It will hopefully be a silly bit of fun. Idris Elba is in it!
troof, Idris Elba could make reading the phone book good
C’est vrai.
To be fair, a lot depends on *whose* suicide we are talking about.
The first one was mindless fun, (except when Jared Leto was making the Joker somehow less likeable), and I anticipate the same for this one.
Matt Canada was once offensive coordinator for us Wolven Sort. We did NOT like him. Then again, we hate everyone who isn’t James T. Valvano.
are yooooouuuuu ready FOAR some Non-Gendered FITBAW????
By far my favorite, feel good story of the week
https://m.sacurrent.com/the-daily/archives/2021/08/05/a-texas-republican-leader-who-repeatedly-mocked-masks-and-vaccines-has-died-of-covid-19
I posted about this yesterday.
No, no, I’m not saying it’s redundant. Quite the opposite, in fact – I’m hoping someone uses this opportunity to volunteer to post it again tomorrow!
I realize that story is my buttfumble. I will *never* get tired of it.
We should Blair Witch that bitch!
Grifters setup a GoFundme too. Read the smartasses on Twitter were donating “Thoughts and Prayers”. That needs to be a feature.
And Rush and Franco are still dead. Probably cohabiting.
Hey! My hometown indy paper!
Vaccinated DFOers only allowed in the Open Thread
This comment is a HIPAA violation!
That’s a yes for Dunstan. He’s vaxx’ed.
I think we all are. If someone isn’t, they’re keeping a low profile.
My money is on Redshirt avoiding the jab.
nah, the Magical Pony is 100% vaxxed. And rains hellfire on the “resisters.”
Afternoon Folks
Throwback Thursday!
Uhh guys the 50 km speed walking is on.
If you hurry, you can catch them!
Speed walking always looks like people trying to hold in a shit and make it to the bathroom quickly.
Can verify.
George Brett is good for that twice a year:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-TMV8Yz9wo
I thought this is that one sport where they don’t hold it, just let it go. That’s why they wear the short shorts to let the turd drop.