Welcome Back…to THUNDERDOME! Your Hall of Fame Game Open Thread

Listen all! This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to killing, and killing gets to warring. And that was damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Busted up, and everyone talking about COVID Variants! But we’ve learned, by the dust of them all… DFO learned. Now, when teams get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two teams enter; one team leaves!

And then the other team leaves. No one’s actually gonna die unnecessarily.  It’s preseason football, not Florida.

It’s been a long strange Spring and Summer since the Super Bowl.  We laughed! We cried! We got jabbed in the arm so that bunkering in our homes being antisocial was optional instead of mandatory! The draft came and went, several big trades were made, the Texans became the Greatest Shitshow on Turf without even setting foot on the field and Indianapolis decided to hold training camp in the middle of a fucking minefield. It’s a brand new year, with brand new football to opiate your masses.

Welcome home, you magnificent bastards.

For starters, we actually have a preseason this year.  I admit that I kind of enjoyed last year’s “Fuck it, let’s just start the regular season” approach.  It added spice, and we avoided the spate of Avoidable Training Camp Injuries that routinely kill at least one team’s season before it even starts.  This year, each team plays three preseason games instead of the four that were played in The Beforetimes.  It’s unclear how different teams will use their players under the new system– some will want their starters to tune up, others will continue to use at least one game to evaluate “bubble” players and work out depth chart issues.  I anticipate Dan Campbell will use at least one game to evaluate players’ willingness and skill at kneecap-biting.

To The Game!

Dallas @ Pittsburgh: Well fuck.  Yes, we have football back, but it’s a fucking dud between two of the least likeable teams in the last 4 decades.

The Non-Gendered Cowpersons (Dallas, or “NGCPs”) got rid of Jim Tomsula and kept Mike McCarthy, which is just fucking daft.  DAK! Prescott has gone from loveable yogurt-shill fighting The Man for just compensation to just another coy HIPAA-citing fuckwit who is either too stupid to guard his own multi-million dollar health or too scared of alienating the seething mass of Texas shitkickers who already barely tolerate an “urban” quarterback running their beloved team.  Their defense is still shit.  McCarthy is apparently thinking he can outscore his own defense’s ineptness like he did at the start of last year, which will result in Prescott getting crushed into tiny boneless cubes of ham by midseason.

I wanted to love the Steelers.  Mike Tomlin seems like a mostly-respectable guy.  They had a 3-4 defense when everyone else was reliant on 4-3 maulers.  Shittsburgh continues to trot out the corpse of Ben Roethlisberger at quarterback.  The upside is that the beatings he has taken mean he is probably too slow, shambling and sore to rape anyone in a bathroom.  His backups are a racist who got savagely beaten by Myles Garrett and an idiot who got savagely beaten by his wife for giving another woman $20k in gifts.  The rest of the team is completely without personality, except for Watt the Younger, whose personality is Grit.

Fuckit.  Any football is good football

LET’S DO THIS!

 

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll say it again – the only way Olympic canoeing could possibly be interesting is if they combined it with archery to make a spicy summer biathlon.

Gumbygirl

They could put small cannons on them too, then it would be perfect.

jjfozz

Work in some lithe gymnasts and you got a fucking sport

Gumbygirl

Really old pirate ship cannons?

jjfozz

Grapeshot. gotta use grapeshot.

Gumbygirl

Yup.

Anthony In TX

“Grapeshot? Grapes are soft! They can’t hurt m–”
– the guy on the ship who’s never heard of grapeshot

Gumbygirl

Cowher left him a can of Vitamin I.

jjfozz

True story.

My friend is an idiot and a Ravens fan, yes I know one in the same

So he goes to a Steelers game in Shitsburgh and Baltimore wins.

Cower was in town and my buddy sees him in the hotel lobby and yells, “You fucking suck!”

Cower flipped him off.

King Hippo

Yep, he’s a Yinzer AND a Wolven Sort alumnus.

Spur

I’ve been playing this on weekends. It’s relaxing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8eYqNNxICE&ab

clint greasewood

Can you release a giant Kaiju monster to destroy the land that game?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I guess the announcers aren’t going mention that cool catch.

King Hippo

I am old enough to remember when they waited until Q4 to forget about the game action.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope the Fox special about Clint Eastwood includes footage of him talking to the chair at the RNC.

Anthony In TX

Seems like something they’d do and portray it as a heroic moment of clarity and defiance, instead of the weird, pathetic show it turned out to be.

King Hippo

Claypool is a wet bag of shit unless he is playing against my fantasy squadron.

Viva La Tabula Raza

What did Primus ever do to you?

Anthony In TX

King Hippo had a girlfriend named Wynona.

Spur

Micah is quick.

jjfozz

You think Cowher could afford an upper lip transplant

Spur

The City installed a roundabout on a busy road near me instead of a light or 4 way stop. Every trip home has been highlight of my day. I’ve seen numerous fights, honked horns, and at least 2 live fender benders.

King Hippo

That will be the next coordinated it’s a libtard homo Jew woke conspiracy the GOP bleats about.

Viva La Tabula Raza

You know where there are a lot of roundabouts? Socialist Europe, that’s where!

jjfozz

So I found this

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently NBC isn’t even going to *try* competing with football tonight. They’re showing shit like speedwalking and skateboarding.

Spur

are they making them compete at the same time on the same road? Because I’d watch that shit.

King Hippo

Gilbert Gottfried found work? That’s nice.

litre_cola

Love child of Greg Gilbert

jjfozz

He’s one of the funniest motherfuckers every born, I mean he’s no Robin Williams…

King Hippo

His “Aristocrats” is goddamned perfection

Viva La Tabula Raza

So my phone battery started charging real slow this weekend. Overnight it would only go from 70% to 80%. When using it, the charge would pretty much stay steady with the charger engaged. But yesterday it stopped keeping up and was losing charge even with the charger plugged in. I charged my Kindle from 0 to 100% in about 3 hours, so I knew it wasn’t the charger. The result was 1-1/2 hours in the Verizon store and a new phone. My old one was paid off a couple months ago, so I am not going to take a big hit on the monthly billing, probably won’t even notice.
Went to the HEB while I was out, got to the front door and realized I had left my mask in the car. Looking around, I saw only about 50% masked so I figured fuck it. Walking around the store with no mask made me feel like my wang was hanging out.
Welcome back all those of you who have been on sabbatical, it’s nice to see almost 100 comments this early in the game.
Now to enjoy the effects of a couple edibles and a bottle of cab. I may become more incomprehensible here tonight than normal. Or fall asleep.

jjfozz

I first saw that sentence as “Went to the HEBE” and I was like, Wow, that’s pretty harsh. Then I realized it was HEB.

Anthony In TX

My wife went to Baylor (she’s not a typical Baylor type, thankfully), and she said a lot of people called the HEB in Waco “Heeb,” including calling the one frequented by Indians and Pakistanis “Taj Ma-heeb.”

Horatio Cornblower

Probably the least surprising thing to come out of Waco since David Koresh’s charred remains.

Anthony In TX

Yeah, it’s not particularly progressive now. Imagine how it was 15-ish years ago.

Last edited 3 years ago by Anthony In TX
King Hippo

Probably didn’t even say “I’m sorry if you were offended” after raping someone.

Anthony In TX

Apologizing isn’t Baylor’s strong suit, that’s for sure.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I would say a massive rape scandal at a university presided over by Ken Starr was considerably less surprising than the Branch Davidians.

Anthony In TX

We’re back to that weird time like last year where no one really knew if they should wear a mask or not… except we all know we should and no one wants to. I’m fully vaccinated but have started wearing a mask in public places again (HEB, Target, etc.) because I don’t want to fuck around and get sick or risk infecting others. Harris County judge is gonna raise COVID threat level to red–the highest level–and we’re probably going to see mask mandates come back.

King Hippo

I will wear a mask if the store/bidness requests it. For an asshole, I am really quite polite.

But it’s trying to put out a fire with a teaspoon. Fuck the willingly unvaccinated, the blood is on their hands, and their hands alone.

Anthony In TX

Oh, I’m with you on the “fuck the willingly unvaccinated” train. It’s really mostly just to protect myself. Delta is hitting Texas HARD (thanks, GOP!) and there’s really no end in sight.

King Hippo

I am re-upping my recluse game, fo sho

Gumbygirl

Gumby got the J and J. They aren’t talking much about how it’s handling Delta, so we are going to be careful and try to stay away from the morons.

Anthony In TX

That’s what I got, too. I’m all the way open for a booster as well, if it comes to it. Stick me, daddy; I don’t want COVID!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yeah, I’m retracting into my shell again.

Senor Weaselo

Badly, considering the Dirt Giants.

jjfozz

Free Guy looks like a churning pile of maggot infested shit

Horatio Cornblower

Counterpoint: I enjoy Ryan Reynolds movies and am looking forward to watching it.

I also spent last night watching ‘Fear Street: 1994’ so maybe don’t take my opinion as relevant to anything.

jjfozz

Is that fear street any good?

Horatio Cornblower

It’s gory fun.

Maybe don’t watch it with your 20-year-old daughter who’s recovering from wisdom teeth being removed, because the lesbian make-out scenes are awkward.

jjfozz

Awkward lesbian make out scenes, man that’s gotta be some fancy CGI at work

King Hippo

I enjoy that he bought Wrexham FC with Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And I like to imagine Sweet Dee’s face (Mac’s real-life wife) when he told her he wanted to but a fourth-tier Lesser Footy squadron.

litre_cola

Oh absolutely. I do honestly think those guys will invest and they will start to come up.

King Hippo

That’s what would get me to try Footy Manager 2021. Working for those guys!

Anthony In TX

They can’t even leave Philly, much less Pennsylvania. They ain’t going to England.

Although seeing those assholes in England would be funny as HELL.

King Hippo

Also, I desperately want The Gang Goes to the League Two Playoff Final.

TheRevanchist

The jerseys have been sold out since they premiered. I have been checking 2 to 3 times a week since. The green away jerseys look like vomit, so I may have to wait a year.

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jjfozz

that pass was very…floaty

Anthony In TX

Whoopsie-doodle

tomsellecksmoustache

Mason Boogaloodolph with a nice pass.

King Hippo

How could one NOT HAIL GAMBLOR on Pumas de Tabasco?

litre_cola

Ah Secondo Pumas, yes them and Tapatio always.

King Hippo

having no impulse control is funner than hayell

jjfozz

I want to get the piston gun from No Country for Old Men and turn Mike Tomlin into swiss cheese

Viva La Tabula Raza

Heads or tails?

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Anthony In TX

Probably gonna dip in n’ out for awhile due to being a responsible father (or trying to, at least), but in the meantime:

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ BOYS

Football’s back!!!!

jjfozz

YEEEE HAWWW!

jjfozz

“It smells like football. Wait, I meant it smells like MEATBALL.”

Spur

Erin, you’re in Ohio. You’re a bit overdressed.

jjfozz

sorry here’s hte pic

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King Hippo

that pup’s gonna be yuuuuge

jjfozz

Right now she’s all legs, vet says she’ll top out at 90-100 pounds.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

At Stubb’s barbecue, that unit is known as the “Reid”.

jjfozz

The pup at 5 months, with the boy, I forget how old he is

litre_cola

The same Dan Quinn as the Falcons collapse? Interesting move McCarthy.

Horatio Cornblower

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Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Spur

What cadaver did Joe Buck steal that hair from?

King Hippo

He’s really getting desperate, trying to earn Troy’s affections

Gumbygirl

He knows how to please his man.

King Hippo

The two old fuckers who didn’t look all there? Strangely enough, not players (Flores and Tagliabue)

clint greasewood

Peyton’s forehead only continues to grow.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, HGH will do that to you.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, no, it’s Ashley’s HGH.

King Hippo

yeah, he was always a little spooky, but going Full Herman Munster

Gumbygirl

.

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jjfozz

One day, Terry Bradshaw, I’ll stick acid down your fucking piehole

Viva La Tabula Raza

Can’t imagine what he would be like if he were tripping balls on 500 mikes of Owsley’s LSD.

Horatio Cornblower

Can’t imagine anyone would know the difference.

Horatio Cornblower

My son bursts into the room: “Dad! Dad! I won the first gold medal for America in Olympic Speedwalking!”

Me: “I have no son.”

jjfozz

“That’s great, son. Why don’t you speedwalk your way to Gayville!”

jjfozz

Tom Flores underarm skin looks like flesh curtains

jjfozz

THIS HALL OF FAME GAME, I CALL IT SEX WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR AND NO ONE WINDS UP CARING WHAT HAPPENED

Horatio Cornblower

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I know. She told me.

jjfozz

I always had a crush on Fawn Leibowitz

Horatio Cornblower

That’s her roommate, Shelley Dubinski.

Fawn died in a kiln explosion.

Honestly one of the funniest sequences in the entire movie. While looking for that picture I learned that the actress, Lisa Baur, never did another movie and now owns a candle shop in New Zealand.

As our beloved manbun sporting sportswriter might say: Weird.

Anthony In TX

Like he said: he always had a crush on Fawn Leibowitz

jjfozz

I meant I crushed Fawn Leibowitz as I ran out of the pottery room before the giant kiln explosion.

Horatio Cornblower

“She was making me a vase”

Fucking Otter.

Spur

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King Hippo

Jimmy Johnson must smell awful. Edge looks disgusted to be standing beside him.

jjfozz

HOW IN THE BLOOMIN ONION FUCK YOU DOIN BOYS?

Spur

I got a blister on my heel from jogging too much. But I need to jog because am a fatass. I cant reduce the size of my ass without running. Am at a standstill here

jjfozz

More pizza. That’s always the answer. Put a slice in each shoe for maximum comfort

Horatio Cornblower

Elliptical. I switched over and probably saved my knees.

Saved them for a couple of years, most likely, but still.

King Hippo

/pantomimes two fingers down the throat

-ghost of Karen C.

Horatio Cornblower

“Wow, she did the same thing when I asked for her phone number!”

-ghost of tWBS

Gumbygirl

Hail the conquering hero, back from the ends of the earth! Glad you’re back Fozzie, we missed you

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jjfozz

It’s been a very shitball year, and I’ve been remiss from visiting this place, which in retrospect would have done wonders for my attitude

Gumbygirl

The fun never stops, huh? I hope things are better now, you are a valuable member of the team!

King Hippo

Bill Cowher looks like he has the AIDS. I hope he don’t!

Horatio Cornblower

People are collapsing in the speedwalking event.

What is going on?

Spur

Global warming

litre_cola

Little known fact is that Bill Gates has money on the line and is dropping the walkers who have been vaccinated.

Horatio Cornblower

I see I don’t have to do the Dallas preview this year.

Thanks, Rev!

King Hippo

I am going to sternly disapprove if my Donks nonsense is the only one we gets.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh I’m sure I’ll send 2,000 perfectly good words to their doom saying the exact same thing Rev said in one paragraph.

King Hippo

That’s the spirit!!

Anthony In TX

As the resident (somewhat former) Texans fan, I can write one for Houston. It’ll mostly consist of “Jesus fucking Christ, you guys,” but I’ll gladly submit that.

Gumbygirl

Wow, these Fox guys, except Howie look a bit…thick.

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King Hippo

oh indeed and we need MUCH MOAR male body-shaming

King Hippo

these are some hideously ugly fuckers on the panel, even beyond the big fat fatty factoUr

Spur

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Gumbygirl

Hey, I’m tubby too, it was just an observation!

King Hippo

I suspect we are all somewhat festively plump. But we don’t have to look at ourselves on teh teevee!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I lost 105 lbs in the first year after my gastric bypass. 20 months of WFH sedentary recliner living has resulted in a gain back of 25 lbs, but it has stabilized over the last 6 months (I think because I pretty much stopped snacking but have compensated for it by increasing my alcohol intake). At 5’10” and 225 lbs I am still a bit chubby, but not life-threatening overweight like when I weighed 305.

Spur

Nice. Stayed on the diet i started in November. Diet and exercise. Took off the easy weight. Am only losing a pound a week. I know am gaining muscle but the fat is slowly burning off. I’ve accepted am too old for my metabolism is gone.

Viva La Tabula Raza

The nerve damage to my feet from the diabeteez has matured and it looks like it’s permanent, so exercise is problematic. I worry I can feel the effects of muscle atrophy in my lower legs and arms from lack of regular use.
Appointment with the podiatrist Monday morning, I reckon we’ll try to find a way forward. It’s hard to get my head around being disabled like this for the next 20 years.

Horatio Cornblower

“Have you considered not having diabetes?”

-Greg Abbott

Viva La Tabula Raza

I caught it from an illegal alien from Mexico!

Spur
King Hippo

This game should be Donks v. Jest, to make up for Steve “The Smiling Assassin” Atwater having to wait so long for his gold jacket.

Last edited 3 years ago by King Hippo
Spur

Suicide Squad is gonna premiere tomorrow on HBOmax. Not like anything else is on to watch

King Hippo

ah would rather watch an actual suicide

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, don’t be like that. It will hopefully be a silly bit of fun. Idris Elba is in it!

King Hippo

troof, Idris Elba could make reading the phone book good

Gumbygirl

C’est vrai.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To be fair, a lot depends on *whose* suicide we are talking about.

Horatio Cornblower

The first one was mindless fun, (except when Jared Leto was making the Joker somehow less likeable), and I anticipate the same for this one.

King Hippo

Matt Canada was once offensive coordinator for us Wolven Sort. We did NOT like him. Then again, we hate everyone who isn’t James T. Valvano.

King Hippo

are yooooouuuuu ready FOAR some Non-Gendered FITBAW????

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I posted about this yesterday.

No, no, I’m not saying it’s redundant. Quite the opposite, in fact – I’m hoping someone uses this opportunity to volunteer to post it again tomorrow!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I realize that story is my buttfumble. I will *never* get tired of it.

Gumbygirl

We should Blair Witch that bitch!

Spur

Grifters setup a GoFundme too. Read the smartasses on Twitter were donating “Thoughts and Prayers”. That needs to be a feature.

Warthog

And Rush and Franco are still dead. Probably cohabiting.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Hey! My hometown indy paper!

Spur

Vaccinated DFOers only allowed in the Open Thread

Dunstan

This comment is a HIPAA violation!

Spur

That’s a yes for Dunstan. He’s vaxx’ed.

Gumbygirl

I think we all are. If someone isn’t, they’re keeping a low profile.

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Spur

My money is on Redshirt avoiding the jab.

King Hippo

nah, the Magical Pony is 100% vaxxed. And rains hellfire on the “resisters.”

Spur

Afternoon Folks

Gumbygirl

Throwback Thursday!

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litre_cola

Uhh guys the 50 km speed walking is on.

Gumbygirl

If you hurry, you can catch them!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Dunstan

Speed walking always looks like people trying to hold in a shit and make it to the bathroom quickly.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Can verify.

Dunstan

George Brett is good for that twice a year:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-TMV8Yz9wo

TheRevanchist

I thought this is that one sport where they don’t hold it, just let it go. That’s why they wear the short shorts to let the turd drop.

Spur

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