Hey, nice of us to pop back in the Greek underworld for a bit! Senor Weaselo and Hades are currently mid-bottle of wine (white, Senor can’t drink red) and mid-conversation about… something.

Senor Weaselo: Anyway, I’m saying you might be able to capitalize on this.

Hades, lord of the Greek underworld: Senor, why the me would I want to capitalize on a webcomic to mortals, even if it does reintroduce our myth to a modern audience? I mean, I understand the potential financial implications, sure, but 1, apart from you I’ve got zero intention of hanging with mortals anymore. Why do that when our job is pretty much done and we can hang back and continue the projects we’ve already got? And 2, this place looks nothing like that and you know it.

Senor: Oh, so you have been reading it!

Hades: Hey, it is still good publicity. Even if the colors for different gods and goddesses still makes no sense to me.

Senor: I think it’s for clarity’s sake?

Hades: Eh, whatever. Point is, they can wonder and be excited all they want, but no one else can come in. Just you, and Senorita Weaselo. Speaking of, where is she?

Senor: I think Persephone was taking her on a tour of the place.

Cut to Persephone and our first sighting of Senorita Weaselo. They’ve found one of the rarities in the underworld, a hill overlooking a verdant forest. Though it’s Persephone and she knows the realm like the back of her hand, so she knows exactly where everything is.

Persephone, queen of the underworld and goddess of spring and vegetation: I’ve always loved this spot, Senorita. You have a vantage point of almost the entire region, and look at this forest! Have you ever seen anything like it?

Senorita Weaselo: No, this is amazing. These shades of green don’t even seem real. What are they?

Persephone: Well, it is a perk of the job, all the greenery and flora that mortals won’t get to see. Some of it I’ve experimented with, so I haven’t named it. But I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the tour so far.

Senorita: And your doggie! Come here Cerberus, who’s a good boy?

Meanwhile, back inside…

Hades: So you were mentioning something about Sisyphus when you called, what’s up?

Senor: Oh, you know. It’s that time of the year again where we have to do the preseason stuff.

Hades: Oh yeah, that. Speaking of, I don’t know why I haven’t gotten a call for the Raiders.

Senor: Yeah, there’s a recurring bit for that, you’re probably not getting in the door. Sorry about that, but it’s not my call. Anyway, since it’s me I’ve got the Jets again, and after last year it’s back to the bottom of the hill, if you know what I mean.

Hades: Yeah. How’d that go again, Mr. About to Spiel?

Senor: Just call me Señor Spielbérgo! Wait, no. Don’t do that. Anyway…

Last season was either a put up or shut up year for Adam Gase, Sam Darnold, and the New York Jets. And they shut up. Or shit the bed. They were legendarily bad in the first half of the season, putting up point differentials so far in the negatives that they should have been rivaling that guy who set a new record for suckage on Jeopardy a few weeks prior.

They were 19.5 underdogs at Kansas City, the kind of massive point differential that looks like it should be a trap. The Chefs covered.

They had a four-week stretch of scoring 29 points. Not four weeks of scoring 29 points apiece. Four weeks where they cumulatively scored 29 points. As in an average of 7.25 per game. Through their first 8 games they had 94 points. I didn’t think averaging under 12 points a game for half a season was physically possible in the modern-day high-powered NFL.

And then, true to form, in the second half of the year, with nothing to play for but the #1 pick and that sweet sweet pick of the quarterback prospects (read: Trevor Lawrence right in the palm of their hands), they managed to look better. Hell, they had a game as good as won until Tank Commander Greggggggggggggggggggg Williams wisely decided to bring the house and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. And then, shortly after, they did win a game. And then another! And of course, it was with tank session in full effect. So in those two weeks and their brief win streak, they managed to lose control of the #1 pick, first on tiebreakers and then any chance of it. Rich Kotite references were avoided, but this team might have been worse.

(Also I totally called it with the following:)

Scenario 1: The Jets Jets their way to winning one or two meaningless games (either the home game against the Raiders because of the 1:00 trap, Sunday against the Chargers because they rival the Falcons for choke artistry, or maybe even the Week 17 game against the P*ts because if they’ve got nothing to play for Belichick would totally fuck the Jets’ tank over) and screw themselves out of the #1 pick.

See? Although I picked the wins wrong, since it was RAM IT! and #ThePauls. And I did say that it the wins would miraculously keep Gase employed. Thank goodness that was wrong.

Anyway, that’s how they ended up with new QB Zach Wilson. Is he good? Well, there have been mixed reviews in practice, some days bad, other days good. So, I guess we’ll find out. He does have an offensive line now, thanks to drafting Alijah Vera-Tucker to man the left side next to Mekhi Becton. So let’s hope that there isn’t another “ghosts” issue like Darnold had.

They got Corey Davis and Keelan Cole via free agency, so there’s some new/hopefully dangerous WR targets. Or at least new. Jamison Crowder remains, but second-year wideout Denzel “This Is Why, This Is Why, This Is Why I’m Hot” Mims has either struggled or will be fine, also depending on who you ask. The running backs have added Tevin Coleman, but it’ll mostly be RB by committee.

As for the defense, C.J. Mosley returns, no longer on the COVID sabbatical list. Given that during the five or so minutes where he was healthy in 2019 the Jets defense looked actually capable before he got hurt and they went to shit, that can’t be a bad thing, at least for the overarching intangible of “a veteran presence.” And the secondary has the lead in fantastic names, with Bless Austin and Javelin Guidry. That has to count for something, right? Also there’s the punter, Brayden “Mann Co.” Mann. The kicker is now… uh, good question, since they just waived Chris “People Who Annoy You” Naggar. (We would have accepted many, many other nicknames. And not accepted even more.)

Other notes: I have no idea if Woody Johnson has taken the reins back as owner from Christopher Johnson/if he’s been recalled as ambassador to… the UK? The Interwebs say “former ambassador” so I guess so.

Regardless, since the family is the same Johnsons as Johnson & Johnson, my bet is that at some point in the season there will be a Jets COVID postponement and/or forfeit. You know why? Because the Yankees got the J&J shot (because god forbid baseball players have to sit still for two shots) and since the All-Star break or so have been continuously ass-blasted by COVID positives.

The good news? It seems like Robert “Mo” Saleh knows what he’s doing. Or at the very least there’s the best Jets mantra since Sexy Rexy. All gas no brake. Of course, it’s the Jets, so “all gas no brake” normally involves careening off a cliff like it’s the Pikes Peak International Hill Climb. And there is the usual Jets’ first-year coach bump. And there’s an easier schedule. People are saying they might be a fringe wild-card team.

It’s the Jets, so I’d say they won’t be. But let’s say… 9-8, or 8-9? Something like that? Enough to be interesting, but once again, this is the Jets. Also, remember, COVID forfeits won’t count as a loss in the draft. So even better, be bad enough and sick enough to draft at the very end of the Didn’t Make the Playoffs/Losers Club.

Senor: Or, you know. Good enough to start moving the boulder back up the hill, get some hype, show some promise, right on schedule for the boulder to inevitable roll in some other direction and/or flatten them in, say, 2023.

Hades: That does sound Sisyphean, all right.

Senor: We’ll throw the Promethean bit in next year, if we’re lucky.

Persephone, Senorita Weaselo, and Cerberus walk back in.

Persephone: So, that’s the grand tour! I’m sorry it’s not like in the webcomics, but I’m glad you enjoyed it!

Senorita: Hi honey, can we rent a cabin here sometime?

(Senor looks at Hades and Persephone, for someone to say something.)

Hades: Well… we don’t have any cabins… (Persephone starts nodding in the background) buuuuut we’ll see what we can do? Stop giving me that look, Sephy!

Prediction: 9-8, 3rd in AFC East. 1 COVID forfeit.