Ooof, some of us met the cold, hard face slap of reality this week.  Fortunately for Teddy Ballgame, he probably doesn’t remember any of it!

Yes, despite trailing 17-7 at the half, there could be no Mile High Magic, with Teddy Ballgame out with a head owie.  And how annoying was it to see (an entirely uncovered) Hollywoo Brown make a diving TD catch (against both my real AND fantasy squadrons) after dropping three bunnies last week?  Well, very.  I don’t know what happened to Lock’s Horse Cock, but he was neither grower nor shower today.  23-7, Ratbirds.  Broke their 100-yard rushing streak, though!

It’s getting borderline cruel for Yinzburgh to keep trotting The Ben out there.  You’d start to feel bad for him, if he wasn’t, you know, a multiple rapist.  A.A. Ron barely had to sweat, and PIT lost their only chance when a blocked FG return score was nullified by an offside BLEERGH.  Banner day for our mightiest FITBAW God.  27-17, Packers.

Did RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! think they had ascended the mountain top by beating Old Man Brady last weekend?  Because they absolutely got their shit pushed in by the Qards.  At HOME.  Despite almost no production from Hopkins.  A garbage time score cut the final margin to 37-20, but Arizona could have won by as many as they wanted to, really.  It was that thorough an arse-kicking.

Late game #4 wasn’t much better, except for the individual holy shit, how did he do that! plays by Charmslinger.  Santa Clara hilariously had to use their punter on placement kicks (0/1 FG, 1/2 PAT), and Trey “Hey, he really ISN’T ready after all” Lance had to QB the 2nd half.  Garbage time – again – cut the margin to a respectable seven, but this game was never in second half doubt.  28-21 to the ‘Truthers.  What a murderous division, indeed.

If you were under a rock, and have no idea what happened early…better sit down.  Noo Yawk won a game, after all.  Gigantes or Jest? you ask.  YES, I answers.

New Orleans finally got a home game, and Magic Undies’ second battering ram TD run put them up 21-10.  My mind pretty much shut itself off to that matchup, but Dimebag (OK, Saquon) led 8 and 3-point drives late, forcing overtime.  They got the ball first, marched right down the pitch, and won it without sudden death on a 6-yard run by the aforementioned Barkley.  I think there was a decent chance My Name is JUDGE! wins the NFL sack race without this win, but he should make it to Thanksgiving now.  27-21, G-men.  Sean Payton’s crew remains as mercurial and unfathomable as ever.

Everybody expected Tits/Jest to be the Game of the Season, right?  It would have even ended in Most Glorious Draw, if not for the shanked 47-yarder at the death.  Coach Salah blitzed the ever-fucking fuck out of Tanny Fanny, and he reacted like he was the LOLfin he once was.  Albeit with a bunch of dudes playing off the street at WR, but still.  You waste a 33-carry, 157 (and TD) effort from El Tractorcito?  That’s a paddlin.’  But maybe, just maybe, the light is coming on for Zach Wilson.  There’s no lack of confidence with the Mormon Sex Cannon, that’s for sure.  He’ll try absolutely ANYTHING, either passing or scrambling.  Perhaps he will make for good TV in the coming years?  Until the OT period, Joisey B had only led ONCE, by ONE point, for just over 2:00 of game time.  In this game, at 10-9.  But they are playing hard, which bodes well for Salah’s tenure.

Atlanta and the Redacteds also played a Bananacakery Event, though much less well-played.  Unfortunately, falling to 1-3 will no doubt complicate Cordarrelle Patterson’s MVP campaign.  He caught THREE scores, with Mike Davis getting the 4th (Kyle Pitts owners everywhere fume).  But Taylor Heinecke made some incredible, if lucky/insane plays down the stretch, with a 3rd down TD pass to McKissic (while already in FG range, but good on Coach Rivera for not settling) to go ahead 34-30, with 33 seconds to play.  Matty Ice was able to get within Hail Mary range, but God and Her momma weren’t listening.

Rivera also made a less-obvious, game management decision.  After that last TD, they went for 2 (as you should, given that extra points are missable now).  But he ran the ball off-tackle.  Why was this smart?  The worst-case scenario is a turnover that ATL runs back for two.  They’d still be behind, but getting in long FG range would have been quite feasible.  Keep it simple/safe.

All this went down in a time period very unusual for me – good Hippo timing.  Whether it’s real estate, work, romantic endeavoUrs (before I retired from that gauntlet) – my timing is for shit.  But today, I took a break from the laptop just before 3p, and gave RedZone channel by undivided attention.  It was delightful.  I am a multi-tasker by nature, but my break was super rewarded today.

In other action, we had quite the Woke Owl in the Metroplex, with the Black Panthers meeting up with the Non-Gendered Cowpersons!  But a lead paint chip enthusiast had to go and show up what had been a league-leading Charlottean defense.  Fortunately, Dak! got 4 of the 5 TD scores (Goyim Space Lasers needed them, especially with his still-worrying pass volume drought).  Touch of Downs had 2 rushing and 2 passing, but Trevon Diggs absolutely drank his milkshake prior to garbage time.  36-28, Dallas.

Good Lord, did you SEE that Fashion Abortion they sausage-cased Captain Bluebunny into?  Instead of all the pink, they handed out a bunch of funfetti-looking hoodies, which somehow made…a broader point against cancer?  But what of FASHION CANCER, Shield?

I have been waiting for an afternoon like this from Bearistocrats! running back David Montgomery (100+ and 2 scores), and he has to go and die late in the game.  No announcement yet, but he walked off the field – as happens more than you’d expect with torn ACLs.  Baby Buster remained the King of Garbage Yards, cutting 21-nil in Q3 to a 24-14 final.  Strawberry Fields was also much less shittier, but that’s not to say GOOD – especially when you consider that it was home to Detroit.

Brokeback QB continued his brain-questionable decision making streak…but it really didn’t matter.  The 500s should have stayed home in bed, with the other imaginary teams.  40-nil was your final, with Davis Mills maybe thinking about other career options.  At least he has a degree from Stanford to fall back on!  11-21, 87 yards, FOUR pickerceptions.  I mean, Jesus.

Speaking of, Dakota Jeebus wasn’t great, but he was back to adequacy.  That was MOAR than enough against the sad sack home LOLfins, who barely put up even token effort.  Congratulations to the one fantasy player who started Mo Aliie-Cox (hint, senior Senator from South Cakalaky).  27-17, Humps get off the doughnut.

On their first drive of the day, Dingleberry led his charges on a methodical TD drive.  After that, the Vikings did the square root of fuckall on offense.  #ThePauls would get their own TD just before half, taking the lead on a 2-pointer.  That would be all that CLE would need (which was good, because Baker was absolutely horrible), though they tacked on 2 FGs to get to 14 in most unusual fashion.  I think RedZone showed 3-4 plays of this, apart from the very beginning and the final 5 minutes.  Combined passing well under 400 yards, despite being indoors at the Bird Murder Dome.  Yeesh.  CLE is 3-1, but with a real problem on offense (at least QB).  Once again, the Vikings seem like they could/should be good…but no.  Just no.  The term “flatters to deceive” comes to mind.

Much like Jalen Hurts’ stat line.  You’d think he had a good game against the Chefs, but it was almost all empty calories (don’t be jealous, Coach Reid).  Kansas City continued to be too cute by half on offense, but Tyreek Hill being left wide open will cure what ails one.  Hurts got a score at the very end to close the margin to 42-30…but the Iggles are, as our Imaginary Buddy-Guy Litre Cola predicted – the worst team in the NFC Special Needs Division.  At 2-2, KC at least gets out of the worst part of their rut – but they still don’t look right.

I like the NFL because of crazy shit like todays Tits/Jest matchup.  It’s fun, unpredictable.  I watch for the action on the pitch, not the verbal diarrhea from the sportsball media.  If I wanted narrative and showmanship instead of real sports, I’d watch the fucking NBA.

Long story short?  Take this week’s SNF and shove it up your ass, NBC and Shield.

See y’all next week.  MANDATORY LONDON GAME WOO!!!!