Welcome Back Full Footy Days

Ain’t it grand?  International bullshit is over (but NOT MANDATORY London NFL WOO!!!!), and there is no reason to leave your couch/recliner except to piss and/or re-caffeinate.  Let us begin.

Are you waking/baking early to watch the goddamned fuckass Redshite beat up on our poor Moose Hornets (7:30, Peacock)?  Don’t be that guy, especially if you’re a woman!

Foxes/Red Devils is a tastier treat (10:00, USA), with Villa/Wolves not a bad flipping option (10:00, NBCSN).  Other 10a fixtures are streaming, but all are too fuckety/non-competitive to mention.

Spotlight Dance is Praise Beesus! time, as Brentford welcome Chelski (12:30, NBC).  An intense tactical battle, between two striver managers.  I am expecting the most titillating Draw of ALL TIME!

I don’t even have to watch most of my Toffees lose to Fronk/Moyes’ Hammers on Sunday (9:00, NBCSN).  MANDATORY London duty takes precedence inshallah.  Arsenal and Palace have early Monday Night Footy (3p, NBCSN) covered.

Fair do, Hippo usually forgets to so much mention the rest of the Lesser-verse.  But the European struggles of Barca and Real Cuntfaces of Madrid?  el perfecto!  I am enjoying the more socialistic La Liga, too.  Real lead a 3-way tie on goal differential at the top – and Barca are way down in 9th position.  The only undefeated side?  Villareal, naturally.  They’re in 11th (2 wins, 5 draws).

Wakezilla: While we were on the international footy break– which by the way, if you haven’t seen this incredible and sexy goal by Alphonso Davies, click on that hyperlink, followed by the equally funny Panamanian reaction to the goal– a super computer predicted how the EPL table would end. The results are. . . interesting:

A few eyebrow raising notes from this:

– Look at Chelski’s goals against. According to this Super Computer, Chelsea will only concede one more goal over the next 31 games.

– Blood Oil City is going to concede 11 goals all season and they’re going to lose 6 games and draw TEN.

-7 teams are going to concede fewer than 20 goals the entire season. Four of those teams will match or break Chelski’s fewest goals conceded in a single season record.

– Wolves are going to score 12 more goals in the next 31 games and somehow finish 10th with 52 points, while going undefeated on the road. That’s a lot of 0-0 draws ahead.

-Southhampton is going to draw 17 times at home and Brentford is going to make the top 4.

I think this Supercomputer has a super virus. . , . . .

Of course, JV NFL remains in full force…

UPDATE – Here is me bets, all moneyline: Boston College ($50 at +130); Virginia Tech ($60 at +175); Missouri ($50 at +320); Kansas State ($50 at +210).  

Central Florida (+21.5) at Cincinnati (Noon, ABC)

Team JV WKRP, meet Trap Game.  Trap Game (and Hitler Mice), meet Team JV WKRP.  I’m not sure these here Mice-sess have a real quartered back, so there might be a limit as to trappiness.  Remember Trapper Keepers?  Those were dope as fuck.

Auburn (+4.5) at Arkansas (Noon, CBS)

This will likely be a much better matchup than the main event.  Winner gets early line on becoming “Best of the Rest” or whatever they call that in the SEC.  I just know it MEANS MOAR.  I have a bit of a War Damn Eagle feeling here.  Can’t shake it, will likely bet.  HAIL GAMBLOR!

Oklahoma State (+4) at Texas (Noon, Fox)

I am expecting Steerfuckers South to unload a can of pent-up anger on BDSM State.  Fortunately, a little discipline is always welcome in Stillwater.  Judges them in WASP.

Texas A&M (+9) at Missouri (Noon, SECN)

I will spare y’all a repeat of the trappist nonsense above.  Suffice to say, my spidey senses are tingling.  That may or may not just be a stroke.  Will page Charmslinger for nanobubbles.

Kenfucky (+21.5) at Georgia (3:30, CBS)

I immensely enjoy the symmetry of this line with Hitler Mice/WKRP.  I am not sure either team will manage three touched downs, the grand total last year was 17 – and each defensing unit has gotten quite a bit better.

BYU (+6) at Baylor (3:30, ESPN)

What a delightfully strange matchup!  One side has free license to rape (maybe also pillage?), the other ain’t even allowed a cup of coffee.  You could also call this the Aggressive Evangelism Derby.  If either the Mormons or the Baptists come to your door, just tell them you are Catholic, or LeVey-ian Satanist.  Stop that conversation before it starts.  And why are you answering the door, anyway?  It’s NEVAR anything good, dumbass.