Your Substitute Teacher’s Monday Night Football Open Thread

Hey!  Put that down.

As you know, your regular instructor Mr. Scotchnaut won’t be able to…

No, he doesn’t have COVID.  He’s got…

NO.  He doesn’t have a case of gonorrhea that he caught from a groupie in Florida, and no he is not using a phony COVID diagnosis to hide the gonorrhea from his wife while he finishes a course of antibiotics…

What’s your name? Lemonjello? Put your hand down.  No, not down your pants. No, not on your…stop.  Just put it on your desk.

And you, what’s your name? Horatio Cornblower? Ha ha, that’s a stupid name. With your speech impediment it sounded like you were saying “whore ratio” and I was thinking “what does that [points] Hippo-looking kid’s mom have to do with any of this…”

Oh no! You’re going to tell the principal that a substitute teacher was being mean to you! Look out, everyone. Turns out little Whore Ratio here is a snitch! Huh. I wonder if there are any unsolved mysteries in this class about how Mr. Scotchnaut found out about something you kids…

Why yes, kid-who-looks-like-a-bunch-of-fish-guts, I was thinking of something exactly like the chinchilla incident. I guess everyone got in a lot of trouble after someone told Mr. Scotchnaut what had really happened with the class chinchilla.  But you wouldn’t know anything about that, now would you, Whore Ratio?

Oh, are you crying?  Really?  Oh, for heaven’s sake, can’t you take a joke, you little freak?

All right, all right, enough pleasantries, let’s talk about today’s lesson assignment.  We’ve got the 4-1 Bills versus the 3-2 Titans.  When they were putting together the schedule this was probably viewed as a marquee matchup, but after the Titans got obliterated in Week 1 against the Cardinals and the Bills fell beneath the relentless onslaught of a rapidly aging Ben Roethlisberger (is that why they refer to him as “grey” now? Make sense) I bet a few folks in the scheduling office were tugging their collars nervously.

Fortunately, both teams have righted the ship and it’s looking like we’ll be getting some quality on-field product this evening.

-Josh Allen should be able to light up the Titans very iffy secondary, which is important to me because I need 12 points out of Stefon Diggs to win my fantasy matchup.

-Derrick Henry will be facing probably the toughest run defense he’s seen all season.  They may actually be able to keep him bottled up.

-Julio Jones will be back!

-The line (Buffalo -6) is way too big.  If you’re betting, you should take the points.  And if you’re listening to my advice about betting, you should be polite to the nice men in white coats who come to pick you up and take you to someplace safe where you won’t be able to hurt yourself anymore.

-Also there’s baseball – Houston Asterisks versus the Boston Red Sox.

[takes flask out of jacket pocket, leans back and puts feet up on desk] Now get to work, you goddamned delinquents!

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Horatio Cornblower

I like Riddick, but that statement about Beasley being open is just dumb. He was only that open because Allen crossed the line of scrimmage and the defense ran towards him.

Also, exciting play to end the game, but I made my point.

Sharkbait

Wow. Awful playcall

Recovery Whiskey

Hahahaha wow

Redshirt

“COWARDS!” – Shan’klor

SonOfSpam

Actually a really good spot.

Horatio Cornblower

It was.

WCS

Vrabel must’ve promised to cut his balls off again if the Tits win.

Sharkbait

Bad clock management is bad

Viva La Tabula Raza

Vrabel gonna fuck this up.

Brocky

Another henry down

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ballsofsteelandfury

Oh my!

SonOfSpam

Yeah, pretty bad air quality.

ballsofsteelandfury

You can hear the squeaky fart from here.

Horatio Cornblower

Van girl life?

That never ends badly.

Don T

Vrabel, please: use a time our

Anthony In TX

Running a kick back and turning around to see a flag on the field has got to be one of the most deflating things that can happen to a football player.

Don T

ILLEGSL EVERYTHING RECEIVING TEAM. Ball will bebplaced st osrking lit

SonOfSpam

We have come to the DON T IS NO LONGER COHERENT phase of the evening, and it is a treat.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching the game with Fozz are you?

SonOfSpam

In a money league, I just took a small lead against someone who has the Buff D/ST

ELITE FLAG ON THAT RETURN

ballsofsteelandfury

Every time El Tractorcito gets in the backfield, I am reminded of a game in high school where the opposing team had a 260 lb running back and I was playing free safety and he broke free from the line and I had to tackle his ass.

He trucked my ass but slipped on my carcass and fell down.

One of my finest tackles.

SonOfSpam

It was a STICK in the box score.

Anthony In TX

When you go up against a guy like that, you have two jobs: a) don’t die and b) grab something and get dragged a few yards until the rest of your team can catch up.

Mr. Ayo

BLEEERGH does not want the wagons circled.

Don T

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Gatoraids

3 mins left plenty of time for 2 more Titans DBs to get injured

Sharkbait

Derrick Henry is good at football

Mr. Ayo

Is this your application to First Take?

Strong effort.

SonOfSpam

The attempted tackling on that TD was less than enthusiastic.

Horatio Cornblower

Honestly thought they were trying to give Allen more time.

Horatio Cornblower

Josh Allen is playing this game like he and Pete Rose have a parlay on Tennessee and the over.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower

/Calls Hippo’s bookie

King Hippo

Buffalo’s playcalling makes less than zero sense.

Horatio Cornblower

You see, Josh Allen is a moron, so…..

Horatio Cornblower

Yes Chris, it would be something if Taylor Lewan played next Sunday.

It’d be a fucking disgrace, but this is the NFL, so as they say in Cleveland, with a resigned sigh, “I’ll see you Sunday.”

Gumbygirl

There should be at least a few weeks off for anyone who gets concussed. Daniel Jones had no business playing yesterday.

Horatio Cornblower

He played the whole game. In an absolute blow-out. That the Giants had no chance to win.

Joe Judge should have been arrested sometime in the 3rd quarter for attempted murder.

Gatoraids

Judge, jury and executioner

SonOfSpam

Also, any day.

Horatio Cornblower

6th pick in the draft. 6th.

clint greasewood

How many Chick-fil-A points did they cash in to pay for conversion therapy?

WCS

That’s covered for free, same as at Hobby Lobby.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently Dick Vitale has now been diagnosed with lymphoma on top of the melanoma he was already fighting.

Gumbygirl

He’s a very nice guy, he was my parents neighbor in FL. We used to see him out and about, always friendly.

SonOfSpam

Well, damn. As annoying as he can be, and it’s VERY, wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone. Hoping for the best for him.

Horatio Cornblower

Same. I’d like him to retire and just relax.

SonOfSpam

Spend his days jerkin it to a Coach K autographed pic, shouting DIAPER DANDY any time he needs to be changed…

Redshirt

Welp, looks like Lightning the Wonder Computer may be on its last legs. Any recommendations for its replacement?

WCS

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Don T

Rusty the Tetanus Abacus

Sharkbait

Build one! It’s fun

herodotus450

Even for laptops!
https://frame.work/

herodotus450
Anthony In TX

I have an Asus laptop that I got 5 years ago and it’s still purring along like (almost-)new. Haven’t had a single problem with it.

/laptop reads this komment and immediately dies

SonOfSpam

AJ Brown…the AJ stands for

Apple Jack
Anthony Jeselnik
Absolutely Jackin
Amen Jehovah

Gumbygirl

Alternate Jersey?

WCS

Ass Jerpes?

Gumbygirl

Anal Jujubes.

ballsofsteelandfury

DING DING DING DING!

SonOfSpam

So good during a movie but always stickin to your teeth

Gatoraids

Steve Levy bout to pen some Dawsons Creek fanfic

WCS

“Mike Vrabel looks like he chugs a case of Bud Light for breakfast every morning.”

— Big Daddy Drew, 2018

Don T

Die in a vat of grease, nancy boys

Don T

Cmoon fslse start!

Don T

Daw, he barely hugged him!

Gatoraids

Requiem the Titans

Horatio Cornblower

But not for the domestic violence charges.

Sharkbait

He needs help. He’s got a lot of issues going on

Gumbygirl

That guy? I thought he was in Debtor’s prison, or swimming wit da fishes.

SonOfSpam

Lana’s brother or nephew?

WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

John Smoltz just said that this game was different because the Red Sox have someone up in the bullpen, and that in the regular season they wouldn’t get put anyone else in until the starter was at 100 pitches or so.

The starter was at 89 pitches as Smoltz said this.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I got pulled away from the tv, is the game over yet? Anyone else get paralyzed?

Mr. Ayo

Sadly no.

And gladly no.

Gumbygirl

He’s not paralyzed, he just has a traumatic brain injury. No biggie! The worst of it won’t show up for years and years!

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently he can move, but being evaluated for a concussion.

I guess he knocked himself out attempting to spear Jerry Hughes in the back.

SonOfSpam

Darryl Stingley, but that may not have been tonight.

Don T

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Horatio Cornblower

Just hoping that Tannehill doesn’t put up another 37 points and take my FF victory away.

Don T

The Tanny Train is a rough fantasy ride

Horatio Cornblower

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It sure i…

Oh. Oh, Tanny Train.

Never mind.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Brocky

Shamelessly stolen from reddit:

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Horatio Cornblower
Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower

Fucking substitutes.

Horatio Cornblower

It was pretty much perfect.

Sharkbait

BLEERGH wants in on this play

Horatio Cornblower

Man, Beasley dropped that like it was a free shot of a vaccine that could prevent the spread of a deadly disease.

Brocky

The henry run sealed the win, thus here’s some sexy
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Brocky

I posted this an hour ago. Wtf

Horatio Cornblower

Another three hours and you would’ve had to call your doctor.

Horatio Cornblower

THIS GAME I CALL IT TARTARUS, BECAUSE TITANS ARE DROPPING ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

Horatio Cornblower

/Walks into thread

What the fuck?

Mr. Ayo

Welcome Whore!

Horatio Cornblower

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Sharkbait

Welcome
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Horatio Cornblower

Way ahead of you.

Recovery Whiskey

Tendon go rippy rip

clint greasewood

Drink every time they say Jack Rabbit.

Don T

Turpentine when followed by “got burned”

SonOfSpam

Rod and Todd: “And now COVID has killed Nick Rolovich’s career”

Col. Duke LaCross

Return guy ded.

litre_cola

Wrong white guy reciever.

Sharkbait

Rangers Leafs OT was nuts. Glad NY got the win.

Don T

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SonOfSpam

Referring to your penis, we assume?