Shitting on Urban Meyer’s Jaguras grave will never get old. Bask in its warming glow.
Will the two fixtures left standing (as of this writing) even go forward? I have my doubts. I also don’t really give a fuck, because of what I said last week (Everton being ruined by an arrogant, fat Redshite cunt and his idiotic enabler in the owner’s chair). Merry Shitsmas 2021, One and All.
Villa/Burnley (NBCSN) is the last match standing in the 10:00 window. Try to contain your excite. Desperate Leeds host the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (12:30, NBC) in the Spotlight Dance, and I could see actually watching that.
Good thing we have lots of bad JV NFL to pass the time, until Glorious Saturday NFL (and the equally Glorious Scotchnaut) come to save the day. If you haven’t read Ballsy’s excellent “first week” preview, please remedy that shit post haste.
Western Kenfucky (+3) v. Appalachain State (11:00, ESPN)
I mean, have you seen that nightmare hellscape Grimace-y mascot from WKU? Goddamned terrifying. I’d bet on them.
UTEP (+11.5) v. Fresno State (2:15, ESPN)
Fresno’s QB decided to stick around, after all. They should roll, no matter how disappoint they are at their sad-sack destination. It’s good to know UTEP still has a team, I guess?
UAB (+6.5) v. BYU (3:30, ABC)
Gumbygirl’s Blazers against Original Recipe Big Love! So many initials, so little time (before Vegas and #ThePauls kickoff).
Eastern Michigan (+9.5) v. Liberty (5:45, ESPN)
As you may have noticed, there are a lot of bowl games. Is Liberty’s 1st round-projected QB even playing? Don’t know, don’t care. Suck It, Libtards!!1111
Utah State (+7) v. Oregon State (7:30, ABC)
Shout out to Hippo payday homeys of Team Secular Big Love State! And never did I expect to see the day that Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Beaver would be a full-TD favoUrite in a bowl game. Just go with the flow, y’all. This is the Jimmy Kimmel gimmick game, which is fairly amusing. He’d like my beat-into-the-ground Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Beaver joke.
Louisiana Lafayettes (-5) v. Marshall (9:15, ESPN)
Enjoy the 15 minutes of this that you watch at halftime of Humps/P*ts. The Military Industrial Complex commands you!
If I may point out that DFO is 2-0 today as The Revanchist’s Fresno State Bulldogs and Gumbygirl’s UAB Blazers both won their bowl games.
THE FIGHTIN’ GUMBYGIRLS WIN!!
“UAB’s defense reminds me of that one time I blocked the door at Tuscaloosa-out of the gate it was really strong but eventually it collapsed.”
-George Wallace
Interesting that Florida goes in for paper straws, shouldn’t they think they are a librul plot?
The parks are pretty much independent of Florida. They are like the Vatican.
The Hogwarts ride was fun, everything else seems to have a 40+ minute line and I have other, better ways to waste my life
That’s the only ride I’ve been on there. Except for the mini roller coaster, which was nice and relaxing.
“Have you tried the Hufflepuff Ride?”
-no one
I loved the Hogwarts ride too!
The mustache ride never has a line.
RIDE STAFF: Welcome back, Eli!
PATRON: Eli? Who is Eli? My name is, um, Pey…nterson. Yes, Jack Painterson, and I’m here to enjoy this ride for the first time in my life.
RIDE STAFF: You know, Eli, you don’t need to wear a disguise. You can ride it as many times as you want.
http://images.thepostgame.com/assets/public/styles/slideshow_image/public/78-Eli-Manning-Movember.jpg
Related:
Tom Selleck was recently hospitalized. His agent says it was due to exhaustion. “He’ll be back on his back in no time though-the line starts right here!”
Man, I miss my Spenser’s Gifts iron-on T-shirts.
OK, so I have two ads for Balls to do a “25 Questions” post on.
Ad the First: Just saw it during the Independence Day Bowl brought to you by What’s Left of Democracy. The little girl who runs out to save the last snowman from her bully of a brother, who is crushing all the other ones, then sticks it in the freezer and obsessively guards it until the next Xmas.
Ad the 2nd: The elderly Black couple slow dancing in their home to a 50’s love song, with a flashback to when they met and danced to the same song. The woman looks at him blankly when the song starts, then smiles when it starts back up, and there’s a wheelchair in the background.
In the first ad they seem to be taking advantage of a girl with some significant emotional issues, otherwise why would the parents let that snowman stay in the freezer past Day One, and in the second that woman definitely has Alzheimer’s, dementia, or both. Who thought these ads were a good idea?
I’ve seen them both and I wholeheartedly agree. There is some fucked up shit going on there…
We were talking about the dancing one last night. When they are kids, he towers over her. When they are old, they’re pretty much the same height. That’s not how it works!
That also bothers me, but not as much as exploiting older people with dementia to sell your stupid in-home surveillance device.
Yes, true. Shouldn’t be at the top of Ball’s 25 questions, but maybe around #22?
Oh, it will definitely be there!
Maybe the person dancing with her is a home invader?
They say when you have dementia, one of the last things you can remember is the music you loved when you are young. It’s comforting to think I won’t recognize my family, but I’ll still be able to belt out I Wanna Be Sedated!
Fres-bro State is up at the half, as it should be.
In The Canada we call that team “Fresh Snow State”.
[teleportation portal flies open]
+1 Deviated Septum
Being around average Americans is making me feel very tall and thin
That kid is named Islay!
First name Peat?
The Fighting Gumbygirls are taking it to the Mormons!
“We have always been at war with the Mormons.”
-The Fightin’ Gumbygirls
Woohoo my Blazers!
“Why didn’t you tell me there’s an App State? Book it, right now!” – Andy Reid to his travel agent
Talk of Kyrie Irving got me thinkin’ – DFO should found and spread a new “truther” conspiracy – that the sun isn’t real.
Pfft, like some giant ball of fire could exist in the sky! It doesn’t look that big! Why doesn’t gravity make it crash on earth and kill us all? Huh, smart guy??
You spelled ‘gravy’ wrong.
Exactly!
– Parker SP
Footballs are made from the skins of aborted babies
/good luck parsing that out, Texas!
Mark Davis is secretly a genius.
Oh wait…
Oh man, the lady next to me is drunk as hell and talking to strangers and her kid is super embarrased. This is truely worthy of the Duff brewery!
Lol, she’s got a purse full of those liquor filled chocolates. Poor kid though, it’s a dick move to take your kid to Universal Studios and make them hang around the bar all day
Better than sitting beside or behind her on a roller coaster
/splatter zone
Back in my bartending days I had a regular and he and I enjoyed very much quizzing each other on sports primarily but any number of other things as well. Turns out he was a divorced dad and he started bringing his 10 year-old son in, parking him at a side table, ordering him a plate of food while he drank beer and we asked each other all kinds of questions. Three visits in, this kid was obviously bored out of his skull and I had to mention it to my regular. He took offense and that was the last time I saw him.
/don’t bring your kid to a bar, please
Grew up with a kid whose dad drove him to the bar and left him in the car for hours while he drank.
/don’t do this either
Also, it was a bowling alley bar. Fuck that guy,
What, the kid’s too good to bowl a few frames?
Beer money can’t be wasted on lane rentals. Plus the shoes. What a racket!
WAITRESS: “Where’s her mommy?”
JOLIET JAKE: [looks down sadly, conjures up a single tear] It was a difficult delivery…
(She was delivering for Amazon and got stuck in traffic)
When Gumby was in the Navy, he had friends that used to go to Chuckie Cheese, suck down pitchers of beer, and pick up single moms (and the not so single Boomer Widows)
Time for a Duff!
$11.17 for a beer and corndog, could be worse
That’s actually not bad.
Yeah, even with tip it’s still less than a stadium beer
Most ladies would be happy to have two Duffs in one day
Hey Ohhh!!!
That’s Rocking!!!!
I’m watching The Santa Clause and I just noticed Scott Calvin responds to losing custody of his son by kidnapping him and taking him to the North Pole and is still considered the good guy in this movie.
I think fake Universal Studios’ NYC is more realistic than fake Vegas NYC, but they’re both weird as shit
The rollercoasters are more fun than the subway though. I haven’t been on one in years, they’ve made some good progress on track design. Clearly been practicing on Rollercoaster Tycoon
I’m not sure I’m in favor of experimentation when it comes to amusement park ride design.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verr%C3%BCckt_(water_slide)
Action Park!
Oh hey, I’m in fake SF now.
Just wait until you get to fake Detroit.
Is that just a room made of cinder blocks or a garbage bin?
Fresno State already establishing dominance in this game.
TD!
More like, uh, FreshBro State, amirite?
/goes back to drawing board
https://twitter.com/NizaarKinsella/status/1472270360691236865
https://twitter.com/ThatsFootballTV/status/1472271211069853696
Arsenal up 3-0 and Xhaka still can’t help being the biggest idiot on the pitch.
Leeds United – When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong
Can we retroactively postpone this week?
— M. Bielsa
Their dedication to doing it their way, no matter what, it really impressive.
This is fucking great.
https://twitter.com/wojespn/status/1472262282713382912
Well, if he dies they can put him on a Viking longboat and shove him over the flat end of the Earth.
He would have wanted it that way.
No! Put him on a rocket and fire him into the Sun*!
*which is only about as big as Texas and orbits around the earth; it’s not nearly as far away as those fraudster “astrophysicists” keep claiming.
Hahahaha!
I know very little about college football, but this article strikes me as incredibly naive about how eager some dipshit ADs will be to hire Meyer:
https://theathletic.com/3021464/2021/12/16/staples-why-we-shouldnt-expect-urban-meyer-to-return-to-coaching-in-college/
The Boca Raton Bowl looks like the Herd of Cattle Grazed on it for A Week Bowl. Watch that footing in the second half boys.
The FedEx Field Bowl.
Snow Rockin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPQQJTgumso
Taking Deci to his end of winter session soccer. Edible engaged, Bailey’s in coffee.
Fun read. And fuck Lou Holtz forever, in all the fuckholes.
https://theathletic.com/3021370/2021/12/16/urban-meyers-jaguars-tenure-was-a-spectacular-nfl-head-coaching-failure-but-he-has-company/
I am shit in a fight. But I WILL catch someone with a first punch haymaker someday, and serve time for manslaughter. I hate these nazis so fucking much.
Look, there’s your mistake. Never throw the first punch. You throw the first kick to the groin, followed by the second and then the third. Repeat as necessary.
I like any combo of throat punch, ear clap, kick to groin.
All three of y’all are high draft picks on the “DFO’ers you’d select for a bar room brawl” list. Horatio clearly #1.
I’ll take yeah_right at #2.
If you’re drafting a guy on the losing side of 50 at #1 for your bar room brawlers I’m just going to assume you’re Dave Gettleman in real life.
You trying to deny you’re a hog molly??
6’1″, 215ish.
I look the part, but I’m an orthopedic nightmare at this point and would probably just sort of slowly crumble into a pile of component parts if I tried to throw a punch.
But what I lack in being physically fit I make up for by being slow, so there’s that.
That’s about me, but with the narrow shoulders that make me look even fatter.
And I used to be 6’2″ goddamnit
Exactly and when they are bent over, you bring your knee to their face as hard as you can, then when they are standing again, elbow strike to the nose. Usually performed just after they say, “Do you know who I am?”, if you came to fight don’t start talking.
Gets them on the ground first, then kicks/punches/head slams are the finishing moves!
Be like this guy:
https://mobile.twitter.com/JoshD0110/status/1425179516381667328
My strategy as a short, fat kid was:
1. asking Jesus to spare my soul;
2. waiting for The Hulks to wash over me. Everyone’s afraid of a crazy guy. Even adults!
The Berserker Theory.
My wife is on the phone for some sort of real estate deal and I just heard her say “And what would happen if I didn’t?” and I just want to tell the poor fool on the other side of the phone “Run, you dumb bastard, run.”
Just haughtily flipped off a 3%er on my way home from the bakery. He noticed. Positioned himself behind me and followed me all through my one-horse town. I had planned to pull into the police station parking lot to get out and discuss our differences, but he was a pussy and stopped at a yellow light. Can’t wait until all these treasonous fucks do the Spandau Ballet.
Carry a machete in your car, tell cops you’re a landscaper. Never tell The Fuzz “I got a serious weed problem”.
Gonna kill one of these fucks. Swear to god. How the fuck are you still so rational after Paper Towels? Because I can’t get there. These fucks are EVERYWHERE and I want to grab every one of them by their Carhartt beards and push their faces into a fucking wood chipper. I am not fucking around. I am murderous at this point. My fourth grader had to go into lockdown because of tick tock. I want blood.
r/HermanCainAward has done a great deal in alleviating my stress about these assholes. Lots of them are dying. Not enough – not nearly enough, mind you -but it helps.
Hopefully the next wave will take even more of them out and leave the ones who are vaccinated/boosted alone, but I doubt it because we are not allowed nice things.
I’m genuinely hoping that Omicron is mostly mild and displaces Delta. I’m sick of COVID restrictions too and the sooner this ends the better.
I was raised in a tough love home. That’s 51% of it. The rest is having no boss, a robust WiFi signal, and widely available weed.
In short, I do my best counting my blessings before allowing hateful crap to bug me. Getting older and quieter has helped a lot.
Weed too.
ESPN is now showing La Liga.
Rooting for RSO. Not sure who they are. Please tell me I am not supporting fascists.
(Real Sociedad. Thank you, announcer with distinguished English accent)
Basque team #2, behind Ossasuna I believe. This one supports the crown (hence Real) Ossasuna is Basque as it gets.
I’m thinking Athletic Bilbao is #1. Osasuna is from Pamplona which is still Basque but known more for running bulls.
I knew you would chime in!
Didn’t the last Spanish king flee the country after some corruption scam?
I’m not sure I can support those sorts of shenanigans.
I’m shocked, I say SHOCKED, that Canada still considers the Queen the Head of State.
Like Betty is still alive.
Counterpoint: Her Majesty is in prime icy stare age.
Anyone else watching Tunisia v Algeria?
Great. Now we’ll have more diversity and inclusion seminars “Because they obviously work”.
The bow on top of the gift.
I figure a quick settlement for 3 years salary. The usual strategy by employer lawyers (“If you settle every single employee will sue you!”) won’t work ‘cause a belligerent owner hurts recruitment.
I don’t think Khan will let this go away easily. I’ve little doubt they have put together enough of a file that a lawsuit doesn’t concern them in the least.
With the NFL’s amended schedule, we now have games Today, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
8 of the next 10 days have NFL games.
Buckle up.
Thats ROCKING!!!!!!
Mrs. Cola scowls from the kitchen…
oh, I remember those scowls…
I fucking love it when shit slides towards Chaotic Good!
Derek Carr is listening to this cranked up to 11 right now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fviSpZSplnY
I never realized the guy behind Harvey Danger went on to found The Long Winters. I should listen to more of Harvey Danger’s stuff; I bet I’d like it.
If PJ Harvey married Harvey Danger would the name be Harvey Harvey?
Harvey Squared?
No you’re thinking of the time Weinstein chased an aspiring actress into the House of Mirrors.
I don’t know but the wedding reception would fucking rock.
Man, that’s not sick, but that’s not well.
Meanwhile, at the Hippo GAMBLOR shrine….
504
Gateway Time-out
Error Times: Sat, 18 Dec 2021 14:10:39 GMT
IP: 75.177.140.158
Node information: PSygldLON2hl59:5
URL: https://www.bovada.lv/
Check: Details
Sorry for your loss. Doesn’t Carolina have legal gamblor yet?
Kinda want to roll WKU and BYU in a wee parlay.
OF COURSE NOT, the Legislature is all Republican Jesus-y. They won in 2010 before the redistricting cycle (Gov. can’t even veto those), have dug in like a tick ever since.
Gov. Cooper is the only motherfucker standing between a 50/50 state and Taliban rule.
Angry this morning folks. The fact that these CRIMINAL fucking insurrectionists are clearly running out the clock on any culpability, while gleefully announcing their future plans to eliminate all traces of actual democracy is … well … ah fuck it. Fuck everything. Fantasy Football playoffs!!!
[coughs blood into fist]
Are you talking about this? Yes, quite upsetting.
https://mobile.twitter.com/joshtpm/status/1472150271820189697
Watched Cecil Rhodes’ water pistols keep my Hammers on the back foot for the full 90 this week. Haven’t seen that in 2+ seasons. Handsome Mikel’s charges seem to be the team no one wants to play right now, and might’ve had a shot at a championship had they not started the race with a hockey stick lodged in their spokes.
Having issues with Aubomayang it seems. Kind of a dick move on both sides when they allowed him to go see his sick mom but because he wasn’t on the right plane back he is frozen out.
It’s being sold as a “last straw” kind of event, not in isolation. But it’s weird, and probably speaks more to the “signs last big contract and starts phoning it in” effect. They never should have gone all in on him.
Lacazette seems to be thriving in his absence.
I am in an argument with my interwebs bookie in Malta. Last night NIU covered, the over hit and a G. Mcall threw for over 3 hundy and they pushed?!?! my bet??? Never trust a Latvian outfit out of Malta.
Refs fucked me out of an outright NIU win. Bitter.
And they gave me my win. Aarne in Latvia was quite helpful.
Went a little Hippo last night after the win. Have a 5 game parlay where I have won the 1st 3, now need Ulinizi Stars and Uganda Police to come through…
Huzzah it hit! HAIL GAMBLOR!
Hippo, any joy about the rookie scoring against Chelsea?
No. That probably cost us another 3 months of fuckwit on the touchline.
/I do like the kid, however (he should have been in the rotation all along)
I would really like Middlesbrough to beat swarthy Scott Parker. Sorry YeahRight.
Found a funny;
gonna miss having a company xmas party this year
– drinking one bud light platinum while your boss stares at you
– stuck talking to The Cancer Guy for 45 minutes
– work crush’s boyfriend is like the most popular guy there, dances really cool, somehow wins the employee raffle
Raiders/Browns is now a Monday Nighter and we’ve got two games on Tuesday. This I like.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/32890352/sources-las-vegas-raiders-cleveland-browns-nfl-game-moved-monday
At the rate we are going we will have pro games Covid-19 spread every night of the week. So there is that.
Transformers! MOAR than meets teh EYE!!
It will be like Italy these next few weeks, with the Coppa Italia going on around A & B Series matches… action every night… worth watching…
Two great reasons to watch! At the Coooooopppppa!!
Sad to see ladies no longer using their cleavage as a wallet. She could easily hold 237 € and an old Razr cellphone.
And an eight of weed under one boob, a pipe under the other.