Holy C*ckweasels, We Actually Have Football! Tuesday Open Thread

Well well well. Looks like another year of foul deeds and grotesque habits have slid under Santa’s radar, because we’ve gotten an early Christmas present. Thanks to the magic of rampant COVID-19, there are TWO genuine NFL games on this fine Tuesday evening.

“But Reverend,” I hear you say, “I thought the NFL threatened that teams who couldn’t make rosters because of COVID would forfeit games!” Well, as with all things involving the NFL and more than 10 cents in potential lost revenue, some flexibility appeared.  First, the League ultimatum was for games that could not be rescheduled. Second, that was issued in the heady days before Omicron, when it was assumed that vaccinated players who followed protocols wouldn’t test positive. We now know that viruses are indeed cleverer than NFL bureaucrats, and neither the NFL nor NFLPA wants to know how many of the players have fake vaccine cards and are testing positive on that basis. So a certain amount of grace is being shown by everyone involved.

Now, the reeeeally interesting situation developing is Week 18. As has been talked to death elsewhere, parity is at a high water mark this year. It is highly likely that several divisions and all the Wild Cards will be up for grabs. Let’s say

1. the Clots and the Tits are tied in the standings.

2. A bunch of games get rescheduled- three on Monday, three on Tuesday.

3. On Saturday, the Texans come down with The Omega Variant and Tennessee is left without a dance partner.

Per the decree that both teams will be assessed a loss if there’s a forfeit, Tennessee could end up losing out on a playoff spot entirely due to no fault of their own.

Now, you may say this is far-fetched. You may say “Who cares, other than DonT, if the Titans get fucked over?” You may even go so far as to say they fucking deserve it for cheating their way past Buffalo in the 1999-2000 playoffs.

I’m sorry, what was I saying?

Right. Sorry. So the NFL can either push all of their carefully-orchestrated playoff plans back to accommodate one game, or they can stick by their I Said What I Said guns like the insecure needle-dicks they are. It will be really interesting.

ANYWAY: TONIGHT’S MATCHUPS-

Both of tonight’s games take place at 7 pm Eastern/6 pm DFO Standard Time. As both are NFC matchups, both will air simultaneously on Fox.

Almost everywhere east of the Rockies (plus New Mexico for some reason) will get the NFC East monkeyshit fight of Redacteds versus Eagles. Both teams are 6-7 despite being steaming hot garbage. Washington is down to their 8th string quarterback, lost Magary scion Garrett Gilbert:

GIlbert has managed to complete 23 of 44 passes for one TD and one INT over seven years in the league. Then again, he also has a Super Bowl ring and $2 million in career earnings at age 30, so don’t weep for him too much. His backup is Pat Shurmur’s son (who also has a ring- and that’s why championships don’t matter).

Philadelphia is starting it’s city-wide inferiority complex, as per usual.

MAYHEM’S PICK: 17-17 tie.

For the West, Missouri and a weird smattering of places in the upper Midwest, we get the Rams and the Seahawks. Yes, because St. Louis fans can’t get enough of the fucking Rams.

Russell Wilson looks vulnerable. The defense has carried the team (again) but looks like it’s playing with fire in its high yardage bend-don’t-break approach. Pete Carroll looks like exactly who he is: an over-the-hill huckster who stayed in the same town long enough for even the rubes to get wise to his con.

The Rams…well, the Rams have a maddening inconsistency to them. They beat the Clots and the Buccaneers, but have mostly gotten healthy off creampuffs (CHI, JAX, NYG, DET and HOU).  They were hit especially hard by The COVID over the last couple of weeks, so look for guys (Jalen Ramsay) to be a little winded early in the game if the Seahawks test them

PICK: Rams 34, Seahawks 20

HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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yeah right

Public service announcement: if you have a bottle of really nice Italian pinot grigio and some insanely delicious cheese what the fuck do you think is going to happen?

Goddamn that fresh asiago is life altering.

How is everybody doing tonight?

Great crowd huh?

Horatio Cornblower

Breaking news: ESPN reporting that the NHL has bailed on the Winter Olympics.

Probably a smart move, especially with the large number of Tibetan players in the NHL.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“YOU FAT PENGUIN” – me, yelling at Matt Stafford for costing me my fantasy game
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Horatio Cornblower

The only time I won the GSR league my opponent had Stafford and needed to make up 15-20 points in the late game.

Stafford immediately rushed for a TD on the first drive, and the proceeded to do jack-squat for the entire rest of the game. I think he actually lost points in the 4th quarter.

yeah right

But in response I had Stafford and a point 3 lead against Russell Wilson.

Hello playoffs!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So….I presume I made the right call not watching more than 15 minutes of football this week?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In general, yes, it was very bad, even for the NFL.

Gumbygirl

Pringles, duh!

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Mr. Ayo

I was not aware of the absorption benefits of a Pringle chip.

Gumbygirl

They hold up to dip!

Horatio Cornblower

I prefer Fritos for all of my absorption needs.

TheRevanchist

Who in the blue hell is UTSA?

ballsofsteelandfury

The Fightin’ Vivas!

Mr. Ayo

Meep meep!

Gumbygirl

Are they on tonight?

Gumbygirl

Shit, I missed it! Shit, they lost! Sad Meep Meep.

Horatio Cornblower

ARE YOU TELLING ME THE COYOTE FINALLY WON ONE!?

PRAISE JESUS IT IS THE END TIMES!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Snyderly is a LOSER LOSER CHICKEN ABUSER

Doktor Zymm

(the Iggles are LOSERS LOSERS CHICKEN SMOOCHERS, there are no winners here)

Spur

Good Job Eagle bros, now fuck off.

litre_cola

Thanks, have a great night!

Horatio Cornblower

How many players will the Cowboys be sitting in Week 17?
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Sharkbait

DFS sucked tonight. Seasonal I’m into the semis!

TheRevanchist

You’re into semis? Well, my friend, you have come to the right place!

King Hippo

Well, HOX and Dacteds. It was nice having you almost-relevant.

LemonJello

Do we need to hear Gilbert’s story multiple times in a single drive? No, other LemonJello, we do nawt.

LemonJello

10 points appears to be an insurmountable lead for Team.

Later, Taters!

litre_cola

Wait the Gilbert guy has more stories, don’t go.

Horatio Cornblower

He’s got a great one about The Aristocrats…
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Gumbygirl

Big Gay field goal!

Horatio Cornblower

It sure was! Thanks for noticing!
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The only thing that can save me here is a roughing the kicker penalty.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah well. Asking BEERGH and Shan’Khor to team up and save my fantasy season is a bridge too far, it seems.

Doktor Zymm

There should be a bonus for exfoliating the kicker

SonOfSpam

Gay field goal clinches it MAYBE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Come on, Deejay, if you’re gonna get flagged for kicking the ball you need to go full HAM and punt it into the stands.

ballsofsteelandfury

I would have picked up and thrown it at the ref.

Get my money’s worth.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, you probably get find for that. Kicking it is just a flag.

litre_cola

I feel that the Heaux are overrated.

Doktor Zymm

I concur with your feels. Unless we are rating them on a scale that runs from ‘jet fuel’ to ‘can melt steel beams’

Sharkbait

That looked like PI on DJ Dallas Multipass

ballsofsteelandfury

It was

SonOfSpam

so what shut up RAMMMMMMMMMMIT

Mr. Ayo

Stupid BLEERGH

LemonJello

Someone tell Sanchez there’s a high school cheerleader competition nearby so he’ll shut up and leave the booth

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Damnit, I need one more touchdown drive out of Stafford. Would someone please go put a box of doughnuts underneath the uprights?

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
LemonJello

” I VOLUNTEER!”
-A. Reid, wondering how many he can eat and not get in trouble

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hey, this is just an empty box!” – Stafford, arriving in the end zone

Mr. Ayo

“Lucky”

— D. Mills

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It’s quite the mystery as to who took the doughnuts. I’m stumped!” – H. Mills

Sharkbait

Kupp or Henderson on the other end of it pls

SonOfSpam

Seattle’s temper tantrum may have given Fatford a short field.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know how much more open Metcalf can get.

Doktor Zymm

Turns out the cruise line didn’t plan on Tuesday NFL so the game is nawt available via the ship teevee. I started talking to a nice older couple that goes on loads of cruises (as many older couples on cruises tend to do) and stopped paying attention to the barely adequate stream on my phone. Looks like I missed philly’s turn to score points, but that’s okay as I assume they were the kinda old but probably not going to give you food poisoning block of cream cheese in the fridge type of points rather than the brand new frothy whipped creme fraiche type of points.

King Hippo

Your F-Tizzles is on the ONE, this is not a drill

Doktor Zymm

Do you think they grow their 4th string QBs in a vat of old FedEx fryer oil?

King Hippo

that makes MOAR sense than any other hypothesis that been floated

SonOfSpam

If I were the Rams, I would simply throw touchdowns to Cooper Kupp every play.

Recovery Whiskey

If I were the Hawks I’d double him every play. Might not be enough.

Doktor Zymm

If I were the Rams, I would write a memoir about the difficulties and rewards of being dozens of dudes and learning to work together with myself as a team

Recovery Whiskey

Cooper Kupp stumbles off the line, must be defensive holding. No other possible explanation

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some of the grittiest, scrappiest flag-baiting you will ever see.

Clipboard Jesus

These refs I call 2 Girls, because they love 1 Kupp

Horatio Cornblower

Banner nominee.