Well well well. Looks like another year of foul deeds and grotesque habits have slid under Santa’s radar, because we’ve gotten an early Christmas present. Thanks to the magic of rampant COVID-19, there are TWO genuine NFL games on this fine Tuesday evening.
“But Reverend,” I hear you say, “I thought the NFL threatened that teams who couldn’t make rosters because of COVID would forfeit games!” Well, as with all things involving the NFL and more than 10 cents in potential lost revenue, some flexibility appeared. First, the League ultimatum was for games that could not be rescheduled. Second, that was issued in the heady days before Omicron, when it was assumed that vaccinated players who followed protocols wouldn’t test positive. We now know that viruses are indeed cleverer than NFL bureaucrats, and neither the NFL nor NFLPA wants to know how many of the players have fake vaccine cards and are testing positive on that basis. So a certain amount of grace is being shown by everyone involved.
Now, the reeeeally interesting situation developing is Week 18. As has been talked to death elsewhere, parity is at a high water mark this year. It is highly likely that several divisions and all the Wild Cards will be up for grabs. Let’s say
1. the Clots and the Tits are tied in the standings.
2. A bunch of games get rescheduled- three on Monday, three on Tuesday.
3. On Saturday, the Texans come down with The Omega Variant and Tennessee is left without a dance partner.
Per the decree that both teams will be assessed a loss if there’s a forfeit, Tennessee could end up losing out on a playoff spot entirely due to no fault of their own.
Now, you may say this is far-fetched. You may say “Who cares, other than DonT, if the Titans get fucked over?” You may even go so far as to say they fucking deserve it for cheating their way past Buffalo in the 1999-2000 playoffs.
I’m sorry, what was I saying?
Right. Sorry. So the NFL can either push all of their carefully-orchestrated playoff plans back to accommodate one game, or they can stick by their I Said What I Said guns like the insecure needle-dicks they are. It will be really interesting.
ANYWAY: TONIGHT’S MATCHUPS-
Both of tonight’s games take place at 7 pm Eastern/6 pm DFO Standard Time. As both are NFC matchups, both will air simultaneously on Fox.
Almost everywhere east of the Rockies (plus New Mexico for some reason) will get the NFC East monkeyshit fight of Redacteds versus Eagles. Both teams are 6-7 despite being steaming hot garbage. Washington is down to their 8th string quarterback, lost Magary scion Garrett Gilbert:
GIlbert has managed to complete 23 of 44 passes for one TD and one INT over seven years in the league. Then again, he also has a Super Bowl ring and $2 million in career earnings at age 30, so don’t weep for him too much. His backup is Pat Shurmur’s son (who also has a ring- and that’s why championships don’t matter).
Philadelphia is starting it’s city-wide inferiority complex, as per usual.
MAYHEM’S PICK: 17-17 tie.
For the West, Missouri and a weird smattering of places in the upper Midwest, we get the Rams and the Seahawks. Yes, because St. Louis fans can’t get enough of the fucking Rams.
Russell Wilson looks vulnerable. The defense has carried the team (again) but looks like it’s playing with fire in its high yardage bend-don’t-break approach. Pete Carroll looks like exactly who he is: an over-the-hill huckster who stayed in the same town long enough for even the rubes to get wise to his con.
The Rams…well, the Rams have a maddening inconsistency to them. They beat the Clots and the Buccaneers, but have mostly gotten healthy off creampuffs (CHI, JAX, NYG, DET and HOU). They were hit especially hard by The COVID over the last couple of weeks, so look for guys (Jalen Ramsay) to be a little winded early in the game if the Seahawks test them
PICK: Rams 34, Seahawks 20
HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS
Public service announcement: if you have a bottle of really nice Italian pinot grigio and some insanely delicious cheese what the fuck do you think is going to happen?
Goddamn that fresh asiago is life altering.
How is everybody doing tonight?
Great crowd huh?
Breaking news: ESPN reporting that the NHL has bailed on the Winter Olympics.
Probably a smart move, especially with the large number of Tibetan players in the NHL.
“YOU FAT PENGUIN” – me, yelling at Matt Stafford for costing me my fantasy game
v
The only time I won the GSR league my opponent had Stafford and needed to make up 15-20 points in the late game.
Stafford immediately rushed for a TD on the first drive, and the proceeded to do jack-squat for the entire rest of the game. I think he actually lost points in the 4th quarter.
But in response I had Stafford and a point 3 lead against Russell Wilson.
Hello playoffs!
So….I presume I made the right call not watching more than 15 minutes of football this week?
In general, yes, it was very bad, even for the NFL.
Pringles, duh!
I was not aware of the absorption benefits of a Pringle chip.
They hold up to dip!
I prefer Fritos for all of my absorption needs.
Who in the blue hell is UTSA?
The Fightin’ Vivas!
Meep meep!
Are they on tonight?
Shit, I missed it! Shit, they lost! Sad Meep Meep.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THE COYOTE FINALLY WON ONE!?
PRAISE JESUS IT IS THE END TIMES!!!!
Snyderly is a LOSER LOSER CHICKEN ABUSER
(the Iggles are LOSERS LOSERS CHICKEN SMOOCHERS, there are no winners here)
Good Job Eagle bros, now fuck off.
Thanks, have a great night!
How many players will the Cowboys be sitting in Week 17?
DFS sucked tonight. Seasonal I’m into the semis!
You’re into semis? Well, my friend, you have come to the right place!
Well, HOX and Dacteds. It was nice having you almost-relevant.
Do we need to hear Gilbert’s story multiple times in a single drive? No, other LemonJello, we do nawt.
10 points appears to be an insurmountable lead for Team.
Later, Taters!
Wait the Gilbert guy has more stories, don’t go.
He’s got a great one about The Aristocrats…
Big Gay field goal!
It sure was! Thanks for noticing!
The only thing that can save me here is a roughing the kicker penalty.
Ah well. Asking BEERGH and Shan’Khor to team up and save my fantasy season is a bridge too far, it seems.
There should be a bonus for exfoliating the kicker
Gay field goal clinches it MAYBE
Come on, Deejay, if you’re gonna get flagged for kicking the ball you need to go full HAM and punt it into the stands.
I would have picked up and thrown it at the ref.
Get my money’s worth.
Eh, you probably get find for that. Kicking it is just a flag.
I feel that the Heaux are overrated.
I concur with your feels. Unless we are rating them on a scale that runs from ‘jet fuel’ to ‘can melt steel beams’
That looked like PI on DJ Dallas Multipass
It was
so what shut up RAMMMMMMMMMMIT
Stupid BLEERGH
Someone tell Sanchez there’s a high school cheerleader competition nearby so he’ll shut up and leave the booth
Damnit, I need one more touchdown drive out of Stafford. Would someone please go put a box of doughnuts underneath the uprights?
” I VOLUNTEER!”
-A. Reid, wondering how many he can eat and not get in trouble
“Hey, this is just an empty box!” – Stafford, arriving in the end zone
“Lucky”
— D. Mills
“It’s quite the mystery as to who took the doughnuts. I’m stumped!” – H. Mills
Kupp or Henderson on the other end of it pls
Seattle’s temper tantrum may have given Fatford a short field.
I don’t know how much more open Metcalf can get.
Turns out the cruise line didn’t plan on Tuesday NFL so the game is nawt available via the ship teevee. I started talking to a nice older couple that goes on loads of cruises (as many older couples on cruises tend to do) and stopped paying attention to the barely adequate stream on my phone. Looks like I missed philly’s turn to score points, but that’s okay as I assume they were the kinda old but probably not going to give you food poisoning block of cream cheese in the fridge type of points rather than the brand new frothy whipped creme fraiche type of points.
Your F-Tizzles is on the ONE, this is not a drill
Do you think they grow their 4th string QBs in a vat of old FedEx fryer oil?
that makes MOAR sense than any other hypothesis that been floated
If I were the Rams, I would simply throw touchdowns to Cooper Kupp every play.
If I were the Hawks I’d double him every play. Might not be enough.
If I were the Rams, I would write a memoir about the difficulties and rewards of being dozens of dudes and learning to work together with myself as a team
Cooper Kupp stumbles off the line, must be defensive holding. No other possible explanation
Some of the grittiest, scrappiest flag-baiting you will ever see.
These refs I call 2 Girls, because they love 1 Kupp
Banner nominee.