Can you smell the finish line? It’s a heady mix of flop sweat, brats and beer burps. We made it! Again. As always. We laughed, we cried, we shook our heads in disgust and we said to ourselves, “never again!”. But we’ll do it again.
To The Games!
Bengals/Browns:
Cincy watched their shot at the #1 seed disappear yesterday afternoon but they certainly have come a long way. They’ve exorcised many ghosts this year on their way to winning the division-an unlikely thought to most that live outside a small area of Ohio. I just worry about the number of hits Burrow takes-best to grab a quality starter (or two) on the o-line via trade, free agency or the draft.
Packers/Lions:
Holy bananas! What would be the point of a Detroit fan showing up for this tilt? I guess Campbell has them playing hard but that talent deficit is going to be hard to overcome. It looks as though the league’s favorite anti-vaxxer will play until this game is put to bed. So half time?
Bears/Vikings:
One team seems to always play down to the competition and the other is always playing down. How low can these two go today? Dalton gets the start because Fields is on The List. I’m guessing the latter gets one more year to prove he’s The One or Not The One.
TEAM/Giants:
A Salute To Futility! should be the name of this game. Double digit losers as far as the eye can see. Afterwards I’m sure that Judge will say that everyone was playing for their job next year or some other empty platitude. He’s his ten year old self’s idea of what a tough guy should be and the cracks in that persona are getting too large to ignore.
Colts/Jags:
Indy needs this to get to the postseason but haven’t won in Jacksonville since 2014.(!) No doubt Taylor gets the ball 25+ times unless Reich wants to get cute again. (he put Hines in during the very first series last week-what a putz)
Steelers/Ravens:
T.J. Watt is going for the sack record vs a team that gives up the most sacks-so pencil his name in over Strahan’s. I’ll point to the fiction that both teams have a shot at the playoffs if several unlikely things occur.
Titans/Texans:
Can Tennessee ‘bye’ another week while Henry continues to heal? Houston have been bizzaro spoilers for the likes of the Titans and Chargers but I’ve too much respect for Vrabel and the way he negotiated this team through a slew of injuries and setbacks.
Have at it.
There’s just not enough shows about doctors, cops and lawyers.
I’m waiting for the vaccine mandate episodes
Law and Order should totally have an anti vaxx detective who sees the light at the end of the episode or dies.
or the fascinating foreign land that is Chi****!!
I’m still trying to get a meeting with network executives so I can pitch Chicago Sanitation. If I can just get in a room with them I *know* they’ll buy it.
Somebody should tell the Stillers and Ratbirds that the Humps are losing, and they should probably start trying to win this game.
AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS
Hey, did you hear about Aaron Rodgers?
Why is no one talking about Tim Boyle, dammit? Oh, right.
Aren’t they kicking him out of Australia?
bUt he Is SO beInG canCelleD!!!!11111
No, what happened?
-P King
THIS GUY T.J. WATT I CALL HIM ROGER MARIS BECAUSE HIS FEAT WILL BE LESS RESPECTED SINCE HE HAD EXTRA CHANCES TO ACCOMPLISH IT.
I can only give this a +1*
I’m not sure there’s a record less respected than Strahan’s sack record.
I ate so much that I think I am too full to puke.
Just lay motionless in the sun like a python that has just swallowed an entire raccoon whole
So typical weekend for most of us
“You usually can get 3 or 4 meals out of one good sized raccoon.”
-J. Tomsula, BNSF Railyard
Mrs Sharkbait and her brother (who is vaxxed, boosted and coming over) are both Giants fans. Normally I revel in their futility, but this is just sad at this point. Though if the WFT defense can have a day, that would be great.
The future Duchess LaCross is a Giants fan as well. We went out to watch the game together last week and bailed at halftime. I couldn’t even feel good about that as a Bears fan.
so I guess our invitations JUST GOT LOST IN THE MAIL?
Joe Judge is trying to get fired, yeah?
The fuck was that???
I imagine a HC trying to get fired might end up like “The Producers” and it would be fantastic
Well, Dave Shula lasted 4.5 years. It had some good moments, but overall wasn’t fantastic.
Joe Judge in Prisoners of Love!
God, that finale is a bitch to play. Runs in high positions throughout.
Backup Bengals QB is dead.
Did you elevate a practice squadder, or are we gonna see some wildcat?
Emergency QB! I vote for whoever played QB in high school!
*Wildbengal
Jake Browning. After that its either Jack Thompson, Turk Schonert, or Erik Wilhelm. I’m not sure, I’ll need to check the Depth Chart.
Allen is only mostly dead. He may still play.
Drive to the stadium and volunteer?
Yes, #77. I know you’re a backup, but that guy on the other team lining up facing you wants to run by you and hurt your QB. You need to stop him.
If the Jags and Lions both end up with the same record, what is the tiebreaker for number one pick? Division record? Points? Flip a coin?
Let’s hope for a Jags tie and a Lions loss so we can find out!
I think it might be strength of schedule actually
I believe this is correct. The one with a weaker SOS is considered the worse team, and thus gets the first pick.
Internet says Tiebreakers: strength of schedule, division tiebreakers, conference tiebreakers, interconference tiebreakers, coin toss
3.5 essay on the topic “Why We Want to Win the Tiebreaker”
Extra soups from the commissary for Prison Girlfriend!
Although initially deported, the Tits finally crossed the Rio Grande successfully!
Would you like to score touchdown?
TO FIRKSER!!
Somebody want to swim over and check on DonT?
I have to wait 30 minutes, I just ate.
AH! 1993 BENGALS?! DAVID KLINGLER?! DAVE SHULA?!
Turn It Off! – YouTube
My word, all of these matches are truly dreadful. However, as a member of the community who would like to see the Bengali Tygers of Cincinnatus claim the third seed (or higher), I cannot help but cheer on Brandon Allen. Let’s go Brandon!
#6 on the Ravens times the snap perfectly, and misses the tackle. He owes his teammate a steak dinner for cleaning it up.
Heh, the guy who beat Mo-Allie Cox
“Good news, bad news. What do you want first?”
“Bad news.”
“The last game of the Bengals seasons has Joe Burrow not only not playing but not even traveling with the team.”
“THEY HURT HIM AGAIN?! I KNEW IT!” (jumps off bridge)
“Wait! The good news is the Bengals have clinched the playoffs and Burrow is resting!”
“I knew I should’ve started with the goo—” (splat)
Holy Shit! Lions score on a bananas trick play.
Lions will win to prevent them from getting first pick in the draft
Is there a consensus number one pick?
I think just a consensus top 2 (the pass rushers from OR and MI), not a good QB crop
Probably not…which makes it a perfect year for the Jaguras to hold the #1 pick.
The kid from Michigan on the D-line is about as close as anyone gets.
This is a really good year to trade out of the top spot and try to stock up for the next couple of years.
Shank’lor with no days off
Ha ha, I want Big Ben to go out with no TDs but lots of INTs.
BEN THROW TO WRONG COLOR CATCHMAN
BUT LEAGUE BOSSMAN TOLD THE BEN THERE WAS NO WRONG COLOR
That can easily happen. Gumby said “look, the Jaguars are winning!” and I thought “bless your heart” in the Southern way.
I want him to go to prison.
Can’t try a 52-yard field goal because it’d give the Vikings good field position on a miss. Go for it on 4th and 5 from the 35. Not block anybody and give up a 17-yard sack instead.
THE BEARISTOCRATS
That’s deffo the mother fist fucking the son while the dog licks his bollocks
Not that there’s anything wrong with it, if that’s your thing
Make sure to at least put some peanut butter on there for the dog’s behalf.
Chunky for your pleasure
If the Clips and Raiders play out an intentional Draw on SNF, and both make the playoffs? Best. Day. EVAR.
I hope they take turns letting each other score.
Factoring in the field goals for overtime, that would be 213-213.
THIS!
Would love to see how they would try and change the rules to keep this from happening again if they did it. Although the bookies would be pissed.
NFL Commissioner would probably rule some “Detrimental to the League” BS and either replay the game or kick both teams out of the playoffs and elevate all teams up a spot.
This is disgusting enough that it’s almost certainly correct.
I think that might be scorigami!
Sounds like my prom night.
I was really glad when Mr. Ballard died.
God, it’s great to have Buddy here!
That’s what Mr. Ballard said.
If I’m the first offense, decorum almost demands you line up in Victory Formation and look at the opponent’s sideline for a by your leave. If they politely decline, you audible to normal formation. If they accept, so begins Night of a Thousand Kneel Downs.
Please let this happen
I would be highly entertained
Especially if they work it out so all players who are close hit their performance bonuses
That’s what I’m hoping for
JaMarr Chase just set the Bengals Single-Season Receiving Yards record in his rookie year. I don’t think an OT could’ve done that.
“[rubs knee, ankle, shoulder] But at what cost?”
-J. Burrow
Chase is being fed.
Not anymore. They took his helmet and gave him a heavy jacket. Looks like they’re not going for the NFL Rookie Receiving Yards record.
Interesting that there have been no shots of the crowd on Red Zone for the Jaguars
There must only be 2 people there, I hear 3 is a crowd
They were supposed to dress as clowns with S. Khan mustaches in protest, the advertisers were not happy.
From the people who brought you “What is catch?”, we now have “What is sack?”
It’s what I’m wearing today. Burlap for warmth
Hair underneath for the penitence?
too chicken to bet it, but I have a Jaguras (win outright) vibe
You should have a doctor look at that.
Gotta throw a tenner on it, you’ll kick yourself if you’re right and don’t
I hope Jeff Fisher comes back so he is known as “The 7-10 guy”
I expect – nae, DEMAND – multiple Draws today
Bengals are being extra safe with Joe Burrow.
Col. Joseph Lee Burrow on Twitter: “Father— Mother should worry not today as I did not march north. The powers that be are committing the reserve. I do regret I must wait until next campaign to tame the cook…should he stick around. I owe him payback and desire a chance to defend my honor personally. Onward. —Joe” / Twitter
Mission accomplished.
Your Pug is judging that fugly chair.
This place rules. All furniture is old tacky stuff. Dogs are treated like royalty
Do they have a dungeon for cats?
I am sure the force laboUr on them. Bartender just brougjt Litrepug a water dish and a couple cookies!!
Is that pre-game fireworks smoke or all the fellating of HARF HARF THE BEN steaming up the camera lens that is making the game look like its being played in a WWI no man’s land?
Scotchy just a quick thanks for doing the open threads all season. To me they are the perfect combination of funny and entertaining and educating
Thanks.
https://twitter.com/hqthao_me/status/1480023539541438465
Trampoland >> Cryptoland
What about Trumpoland?
It’s a swamp
More like a cesspool only used by Taco Bell patrons.
Afternoon, Morning, whatever everyone. Hoping the footed ball is gripping today and is distracting. Boy fell off the wagon the last two days and passed out in front of me last night. Had consumed a whole handle of vodka (he kept it in his room instead of the freezer – amatuer) in less than 24 hours. He did good hiding it till he passed out and tested his drink.
Rethinking this entire having kids thing.
Sorry to hear.
Thanks for letting me vent, we had a family meeting this morning and he is now going to seek professional help.
Vent away. Hope the boy is able to accept the help
I have no idea, but it was a step that he said that he was willing to talk to someone.
Wow. Be well brother.
Sorry man.
That’s tough, man. Hang in there.
One battle in a long war. Hang in there, dad.
Fingers crossed this is the low point, and it’s all better from here
Sounds like JaMarr Chase is playing to both set the Franchise Record for Season Receiving Yards, develop chemistry with Backup Allen in case Burrow gets hurt, and maybe clinch Offensive Rookie of the Year.
Hmmm. Have a showing at the condo for the 1st hour of football. I could just drive around or take Litrepug to a brewery that is dog friendly.
So I see we’re going to be forced to sit through three hours of fellating Big Ben during the opening game.
How fitting.
At least it is not some woman being forced to fellate Little Ben this time.
Several survivors are feeling your pain.
Strahan talking up TJ Watt breaking his record sure comes across like he’ll be relieved he won’t have to keep defending Brett Favre laying down for him.
It really was shameful to lay down on top of Brett.
–Deanna F.
Truly our generation’s Black Sox scandal 😞
-Pats fans
And they say soccer players flop…
The last week of the season feels even weirder with 17 games
I am depressed even before first kickoff, though at least next weekend will be the bestest.
You want to know what really feels weird? It’s the last game of the season and the Raiders actually have something to play for. Having them play their seventeenth game in a season also feels very strange.
I dunno. The “50 more minutes goddammit fuck you time ketchup is faster!” anxiety feels normal.
Gibson IN – I’m out on Patterson
Aaron Jones OUT, AJ Dillon IN – I am still interested in Taylor
Burrow and Higgins OUT
The refereeing in this AFCON match is a bit tilted towards the hosts IMO.
I think I have time to watch a Sidney Poitier movie before the action starts on Red Zone. Which one should I go with? Thinking ‘In the Heat of the Night’
Drat, should have started 30 minutes ago
Let’s Do It Again (1975) with Bill Cosby and Jimmie Walker
“Again? I don’t remember doing it once!” — Various women to Cosby
The Defiant Ones is a solid piece of film.
Found a cool;
https://mobile.twitter.com/internetofshit
Vic Fangio fired! For me, getting in John Harbaugh’s face for calling plays in the 4th Q was the lowest point.
Never, EVER make John Harabaugh relatively tolerable.
Epitath – Hey, at least I wasn’t Vance Joseph
NFL should hire some guy/ladie (nawt me, I really suck at math) to make a table of “adjusted for number of games played” records. Juz sayin bro…
M. Strahan
That’s a good idea!
– Everyone that played a 14 game schedule
Up the Burkina Fasos!
Their nickname should be the “disputed zones”.
Updates:
Foreman going to be high owned.
Mavin Jones needs 4 catches for half a million dollars.
Left him out of my QB pool in the article, but I will definitely be playing Taysom today.
I remembered Marvin Jones as a Bengal and figured there was no way that Mike Brown wouldn’t have Marvin’s knees broken to get out of paying that bonus.