Good morning, fellow inmates of the imaginary asylum!
We come back from a week off for the Prem, and there’s ONE match. And it’s Burnley/Watford (1p, Peacock). BLECH.
But lo, we have a shit ton of FA Cup ties. The patented magic started last night, with Boro taking out Men Untied, after 9 rounds of pennos at Old Trafford. Will Wakey Arrive to React Reasonably? Cristiano Ronaldo has just broken this team. Ragnick has made no impact over Disappointed Dad OGS. I napped through the first 105′, but he missed a first half pen and lazily squandered a decent chance late in Extra Time.
West Ham at Kiddeminster (7:30, ESPN+)
I don’t feel quite brave enough to wager it, but I do sense an upset in the making.
Plymouth Argyle at Chelsea (7:30, ESPN+)
I have no idea why the visitors are named after old man socks. But I do know that Thomas Tuchel is angry, and I wouldn’t want to be facing said wrath.
Brentford at Everton (10:00, ESPN+)
Handsome Frank Lampard’s debut for Everton, both his deadline day additions Cup-tied and only reasonable striker DCL is out injured. WELCOME TO EVERTON, friend-o!
Fulham at Man City (10:00, ESPN+)
Do you believe in miracles? Where is 1980 Al Michaels when you need him??
Luton Town at Cambridge (12:30, ESPN+)
This sounds like a university quiz bowl showdown, not a footy contest with a Sweet Sixteen berth at stake. But it’s the only match of the window.
Brighton at Spurs (15:00, ESPN+)
Last fixture of the Saturday slate, and there could/should be goals in this. Especially if Spurs rest Hugo Lloris. Up the Trashbirds!
Talk amongst yourselves, somehow I will find sommet to pratter on about for the nighttime thread.
I wonder if ND has to go to confession if they finish on 69 points?
They get promoted to Head Altar Boy.
Hoo Boy, did I intend that pun. I regret nothing. Except joining the Boy Scouts.
Showing a twine-cutting ceremony that NC State basketball took part in during the ’50’s. The white, it burns!
NC State Esmeraldas and the Notre Dame Hunchbacks are in a close one.
SchizoPack is very schizo today
but in related news, I think Mike Brey qualifies as a hobo now
You know there is a Northern Canadian that has the trigger word as hobo right?
/I seriously miss those stories
DM me some ideas because I’m all out of them.
One can be when the convoy stopped in Northern Ontario on their way to Ottawa.
If I were in the biathlon I would simply glide into last place and then start shooting.
Real bullets. Gold, silver, and bronze!
nods in Son of the South
I stand by my assertion that they should add a summer biathlon consisting of canoeing and archery.
Shoot from the canoe,,right?
Yeah. I genuinely think it would be a really fun event!
add IEDs to the mix, and you’re cooking with gas. Think of how much enthusiasm you’d get in Serbia, Northern Ireland, and Afghanistan!
So we talkin a road course that your foes can “set up” prior?
Does this event take place in West Virginia? I think I saw that movie
I like this idea, but I think you’d need to have a stable dock for the shooting. Like, canoe like mad bastards to each dock, leap out, shoot your arrows, then canoe back around the lake, etc.
So my wife calls BC Dick, and his voicemail is for Reverend Felix Garfield. His personal development at work was becoming a reverend….
But can you be saved?
Also, how’s the Mrs? All better me hopes
Oh yeah, complete bounceback. She’s now a survivor. Weirdly enough Deci and I didn’t get it. Yet…
Sweet. Hope you two avoid it
Today’s wordle is trending because so many people had a tough time with it, which is gratifying because the Dr. Mrs. and I both got it in 3. We actually had the exact same second word.
Do you have a NY Times subscription? You know they are going to put wordle behind their paywall toot sweet!
It seems like a silly proposition to bother; it’s not a complicated game. I could code my own version in a couple hours and the majority of that time would be spent making it look pretty. The mechanics are super simple.
It’s almost like you finish each other’s sandwiches!
“A wordle is a sandwich.”
-Anon, Canada
Also got it in 3 – what was your 2nd word?
Got it in 4 on hard mode. Doesn’t seem that different from normal?
My niece introduced me to Wordle today. On my first time doing it, I got it in 2.
Now usual Saturday date to Wild Rose brewery a success. Kid and wife want to nap.
“Uh, I am going to day drink and get high”
“how does this make it different than other weekends?”
“It’s intl rosé day which I don’t normally drink and I dont know what sports I will watch”
I just saw the NHL all star game is today. Pro Bowl tomorrow, tons of hoopsball, and the Limpdicks! I’m sure you’ll find something to watch. Seems weird to have rose day in the winter, it’s more of a summer splash, I think?
Well young Gumbygirl (my fave but shhh). Rose has evolved since the White Zinfandel days shakes fist at the Gallos bros. Dry roses are the best! Yeah, summer for sure, but it was -30C here on Thursday and today it is 10C.
My faves are made with Grenache and only have a wee bit of skin contact (heh) to give them their hue.
My friend Nancy, who I love dearly, only drinks white zin. Beringers. On ice. She is not a Fancy Nancy.
Please be her, please be her,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbyAZQ45uww
I’m pretty sure we drunkenly karaoke’d that one more than once!
For me it was Riunite. On ice. It was nice. And really cheap champagne. We used to get Andre for like $1.50 a bottle. Now that’s a headache!
Ask. receive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqnYHzEc7H4
The Dr. Mrs. and I have both noticed that rosés seem to leave us with fewer headaches the next day.
You have a susceptibility to sulfites. More skin contact, more sulfites, so stay away from big reds, Pinot Noir would be good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F_UFS6ym2k&list=RDGMEMKcfdYVpEGn7ut17qwCZ9pg&index=4
So we went to do the final walkthrough on our house yesterday. We were told all of their stuff was out, and the cleaners were finished. Ha, nope! Still tons of their crap, and the place was filthy. I’m glad I waited to schedule my movers, I’m going to have a lot of work to do. We’re closing on Monday. I can’t imagine turning a house over to someone in that condition, I have never left a place that wasn’t clean. Fucking fuckers! I need to find out where they’re moving, and fling poop at their new house.
Don’t they owe you money for that shit?
I just want them gone at this point.
They almost certainly do.
It’ll also almost certainly be like trying to wring blood from a stone.
Yeah, I have enough stress right now. I’m just going to handle it myself, and say mean things about them on the internet!
“Time for me to shine!”
-The Internet
Some people are such slobs. No pride, no class.
True. I would be so embarassed. Well, no I wouldn’t, because I would never do this to anyone.
Dipshits have obviously never had to clear quarters.
Oh, what a royal pain in the ass that was. We lived in Navy housing twice. The first time I did the cleaning myself, and it was a nightmare. The unit was at an old Army Nike missile site, everything was like 30 years old, but the inspector wanted it to look brand new. I was scrubbing grout with a toothbrush, and the entire place had tile floors! The second time I hired someone. Best money I ever spent!
We moved 7 times, usually across the ocean. Had to clear gvmt quartes twice. But still even when clearing economy homes we always left it clean. Couple times cleaner than we found it. Now a days the soldiers usually hire a cleaning team. But you well know how that used to be.
Yeah, I have always left places cleaner than when I moved in. I always got my security deposit back in full! I am a landlord’s dream tenant. I keep telling myself this is my final move,next time I’m leaving in a box, so suck it up and get it done!
I hear you. We are the same. Never lost a nickel of a security deposit. Dying breed I guess.
I hope this is the one for you. We built our house 17 years ago and finally ended that phase. Now you will not get me out of here with a forklift, crane, and 100 lbs of C4.
I hope so too, but life can throw some wicked curveballs!
We’ve been here for almost 15 years and have one more move to a bungalow once the kids move out in about 10 years. Not gonna be able to do stairs when I’m older if I already snap, crackle and pop when on them
No stairs where we’re going. There are even grab bars in the bathrooms, so as long as we’re not totally senile, we should be able to stay here until the end.
Send all the leftover crap to my MIL-she’ll have a yard sale and maybe give you 20% of the money she made.
I figured out where the dump is, I will take anything that remains there. I have 40 years worth of my own shit, don’t need anyone else’s!
The guy who bought the Dr. Mrs. place was apparently upset that we hadn’t had it cleaned after we moved all our stuff out. I’d always assumed that was the buyer’s responsibility.
I mean we didn’t leave a mess or anything. But we didn’t do any cleaning other than getting all our stuff out of there.
You are a horrible person, and I am going to talk shit on you too. Nextdoor here I come!
…and this was how Rikki found out that he wasn’t the favorite anymore…
You’re in the Hall of Fame, don’t you worry!
But so was OJ. Remember that!
Handsome and husky
Former Tory Cunt, now Handsome Man Frank Lampard! He is a chonky fella! More for Hippo to love, until the inevitable disappoint.
He was just jelly of all the love DFO was giving to Thicc Punter
Kofi Cockburn (go on, make fun of his last name) of Illinois is so huge, he looks like he’s playing with 5th graders.
hey @2Pack – which Milan side is less fascist?
Inter. Milan has had a bunch of fan issues recently over that silly shit.
Fabio Carvalho scored for Fulham-I loved his dad’s ice cream cakes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcRSl20WYzo&ab_channel=PattonOswalt-Topic
Paddy O’Cripply is an all-timer
Frank Lampard is a beautiful man
Somebody call 911, I think his majesty has taken a few too many Happy Hippo pillz!
The last part of the road to our house has a drop-off on one side and a rockface on the other so our propane guy is (rightfully) a bit nervous when he drives here. But what does he do when he gets here? He fills our tank to 50% capacity so that he has to come here more often.
APPARENTLY THE RUSSIANS HAVE ENTERED BERLIN, BECAUSE FOLKS IT’S OVER FOR THE AUSTRIAN!!!!
“The ice is hard, and mistakes are coming!”
Luge announcer just now, inadvertently writing the tag line to Balls’s “XXX Games: A Winter Olympics Porn Parody”
Shit, wait, that’s actually pretty good.
It’s bright and sunny here, but with a windchill bringing temps down to 11. I’ve tried to put the dog out twice now, and both times he’s gone to the edge of the porch and then looked at me like I’ve betrayed his entire species.
It was 67 when I went to bed last night, high today around 40-45. My migraine is commensurately awful.
[looks out the patio door]
Probably should keep quiet about what the weather in LA is like right now.
It’s -14C/8F, feeling like -20/-4, but its a nice day and sunny here
Yeah, sunny but crispy cold here. Gonna get the fireplace going later.
“Ha ha, me too!” – Steve Bannon’s lawyer
It’s fucking horrible out there. Might only be able to barely see Catalina during my 4 mile walk. Will have a full report later in the day.
Haha. Fawk yooo
/loves ya, just jelly
My wife is in LA right now so I’m well aware, thank you.
“And here’s Matteuas Sochowicz from Poland. You may remember his name…”
Nope.
(apparently he was involved in a horrific training accident where someone left a gate closed across the luge run. Wound up with a bunch of broken bones and was allowed to sled here on a special dispensation.)
Why the fuck is there a gate that can close in the middle of a luge run? Like, what the hell else did they think could possibly happen?
I’ve since seen what I think is the gate. The women start lower, so I think the gate is there is prevent things from sliding down from the men’s start when the women are on the track. I’m not sure the risk/reward weighs out, but that’s the best I could think of.
No goals for The Broom yet but he does have an assist. I thought he was entering a phase of his career where he’d be nagged by small injuries but I’m glad I’m wrong. (so far)
He’s definitely not what he was, but that’s such a high bar that he’s still damn good.
Of course the Olympic luger from Connecticut is named Tucker. Of course he is.
Just a man and his dream…
Toffees never make things easy
Let’s see what’s on the Outdoor Life Network. Ah yes, it’s the usual 3 hour Saturday morning marathon of Two Broke Girls.
It’s what Marlin Perkins would have wanted…
Marlin: All in all, I’d rather be watching a big-breasted girl try to sell cupcakes than I would be murdered by this anaconda
“While Marlin wrestles the anaconda, Jim is drowning underneath with the capture net.”
I assume the girls are also homeless?
That Ukranian sledder flopped like he was trying to defend the Crimean peninsula.
Every time the announcers talk about a Russian athlete being capable of “surprising people at this Olympics” I just assume they’re talking about his urine test.
Rome… Rome wins by default this week.
1) NICE shoulers, and strategic scarf
2) Do they come out of the tunnel to that B-52s song? Missing a trick if not.
Sadly… no…
Genova (no nawt fans apparently)
“It’s over as soon as it started for the young Austrian”
Hopefully this proves more true for that luger than it did for another young Austrian after the Beer Hall Putsch.
“Oh, that young man with the very good ideas?” — Marge Schott
“He got off to such a good start but he went a bit too far. Leningrad is such a long way away from Berlin.”
Can someone who loves St. Bernards be that bad?
/Points at Marge Schott
Yes. Yes they can.
Mikaela: “Hi, my car broke down just up the street from your recluse hut and I need to get to the North Cakalaky Slalom Celebration, and I’ll do anything for a ride. Can you please help me?”
Hippo: (already closing the door) Not unless you’ve got pills.
That knee injury, I bet she’s got a stash…
Oh, I imagine that pretty much anyone who’s been a competitive skier for more than 3 minutes has access to some mind-bending painkillers.
“Ass, gas, (the pharmaceutical equivalent of) grass, nobody rides for free!” – Hippo
Whole lotta shoulders for Hippo in this picture
I love watching luge. A guy will come down 2 tenths of a second behind the leader and the announcer will be “What a fucking asshole: he’s disgraced his country, family, and himself.”
The only person I can talk college basketball with here? A kindly grandmother that is the manager of a grocery store outside Sault Ste. Marie.
Wonder what her trash talk is like?
You dribble like I do, all over the place
You hit more steel than in my walker
“My first husband made those bricks you’re throwing up”
“I’ve got more handles in my shower, you talentless clod!” at the point guard
Your defense is leakier than my urethra
Frank Lampard’s Everton, y’all
Watching a commercial where a sweaty, ripped Mikaela Shiffrin is working out has inspired me to finish this cinnamon roll.
I noticed her shoulders mid-week, count me a fan
“I mean, yeah, her shoulders are ripped and all, but that old bag is 26!”
-Matt Gaetz, probably
My body can’t decide if it’s hungover or not. It’ll probably wait until the Dr. Mrs. assigns me some chores.
Bees’ manager looks like he was 10 vodka tonics in last night.
Also the new Salesforce commercial with Matthew McConaughey in a hot air balloon is Rockingggg!!!!!
Wayyyy better than the dumb Matt Damon Crypto ads
Found a funny;
My doctor just ran up to me at the grocery store and hit me in the knee with his little hammer
Is your doctor Tanya Harding?
Note how the Commies got the years of their own fucking Super Bowl wins wrong.
https://mobile.twitter.com/JPFinlayNBCS/status/1488864452674002945
Hahaha!
I don’t think anyone will ever forget about the undefeated 1973 Miami Dolphins or the dominant 1986 Chicago Bears.
Or how Eli Manning was able to thwart the hopes of the 2008 Patriots squad.
All of 5(!) championships despite being founded in 1932. That’s some quality suckage through many a decade.
all part of Most Glorious Five Year Plan, comrade!
Terrible penalty
You’d think that the Russian faux women would be better at the hockey than they are.
I was hoping that Socks FC’s sponsor was an actual Gin company with the name Ginsters, it is not, ’tis a pastry company.
I mean, all British food is goddamned disgusting, but those “pies” they describe sound particularly vile.
/this ends Hippo’s first Ugly Murrikan rant o’ the day
Aussie hand pies are delish! Great at the footy.
From a Hammers standpoint, think you’d rather lose than play 120
Declan Rice disagrees
DURRRRR the magic of the Cup!
Everton went in for Yarmalenko like 4-5 times (not this season). We really dodged a bullet there. Vile shite.
Come on Plymouth Socks let’s gooooo.
I do love how its handsome Frank Lampard now. Lololololol.
I might even be re-considering my evaluation of supply-side economics!
Did hippo drop a few skinoots on the Harriers? HE SHOULDA!!
Wallowing in regret at the moment.
Russia and the U.S. disqualified! Off to the “B” Final with youse.
Short track Co-ed Relay Speed Skating is a thing. And Canada is good at it.
well, you can practice outside, 12 months a year. Just to be able to get food and escape from polar bears.
With them long skates you could carve up a deer in under 5 minutes.
yeah, a “deer”
Oh, it seems I’ve stumbled onto a comical list of fake English towns.
Sadly Brentford is too real, the fucks.
Be mighty white of Praise Beesus to be imaginary today, inshallah
Fun! Let me make some up.
Wilford
Brimley
Aston
Kucher Town
I was looking up what was available for the Wintry Limbics and saw Short Track Women’s Hockey. Commas exist for a reason, guys.
oh u NOE Hippo gives a fuck…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_i1xk07o4g