A former NY State chief judge once said that any district attorney could get a grand jury to “indict a ham sandwich”. Then a Texas grand jury, two Fridays ago, declined to indict Deshaun Watson for any of the nine criminal charges presented. Without pause or transition, Watson went from Toxic Asset to Franchise QB.

Four teams publicly pursued Watson: Panthers, Falcons, Saints, and Browns. Watson rejected the Browns, and Cleveland overreached like a spouse kneeling down and pleading “Tell me what to do! I CAN CHANGE!!”

Final tally: Browns give the Texans five picks, three of which are the 2022-24 first rounders, and Watson $230 million guaranteed. In middle-class marital terms, that’s a several karats ring and earrings combo, plus a ticket for one in a Greek islands revenge-sex cruise.

Watson still has 22 civil suits pending, filed by 22 different women. The contract with the Browns is structured to pay Watson only $1 million in 2022, which anticipates an NFL suspension. And I would expect Watson to be suspended. How long? Well…

Back in 2010, when some stations still ran The Man Show, Ben Roethslisberger was suspended six games after the DA declined to file criminal charges for sexual assault. Ohio police investigated Zeke Elliott in 2017, no criminal charges were filed, but the NFL suspended him 6 games because the league found incidents of violence by Elliott toward his girlfriend. In 2019, Kareem Hunt was suspended eight games for hitting and kicking a woman.  For the Orchids of Asia scandal, Bob Kraft got—Hah hah hah; never mind.

In handing out punishment, the NFL has considered cooperation and contrition when imposing a suspension. The Ben apologized and his suspension was reduced to four games. Kareem Hunt faced 8 to 10 games, but Hunt accepted what he did and apologized. Watson, so far, has denied everything. Which is expected: 22 alleged victims is a Cosby-like number. Saying any kind of half-hearted “I’m sorry for what happened”, I’m sure, is not an alternative being pursued by Watson.

For Watson, the best case scenario would be all 22 plaintiffs doing a 180, taking the money and signing a non-disclosure agreement in the next coupla months. Otherwise, it is up to the NFL to at least pretend to investigate the allegations, by requesting to interview the plaintiffs. Of course, Plaintiffs’ silence is the best leverage they have against Watson, and that disappears either after speaking to the NFL or after the start of the trials.

Watson is signed, but his playing situation remains uncertain. If the NFL is serious about investigating the matter, that investigation would extend beyond 2022 (after getting the runaround / bait-and-switch from Plaintiffs’ attorney). That would mean Watson playing in 2022 at a ridiculously low number, and then get suspended sometime in 2023 between 6 and 17 games. That doesn’t seem like a bad bottom-line scenario for the Browns. Then again, Jimmy Haslam is the owner, so any and all goodwill towards that franchise is freakin’ impossible.

OTHER NFL SIGNINGS

Bengals signed RT La’el Collins. Per Wiki P, Cowboys released Collins after the second year of a multi-year deal and had a suspension for missing a drug test. That’s the third lineman signed by Cincinnati this offseason, with C Ted Karras (from NE) and G Alex Cappa (Bucs).

Giants LB Lorenzo Carter said goodbye to NYC and The Unidentified Area yesterday and today was signed by the Falcons. Per espen: “Carter (6-foot-5, 255 pounds) had 14.5 sacks, 153 tackles and 15 passes defended in four seasons and 49 games on his rookie contract with the Giants.”

Per espen, Bills sign RB Duke Johnson. If he were a car, Johnson would be a 2019 Toyota Corolla (source: Pro Football Reference).

Saints resigned themselves to Jameis Winston. It’s for two years with $21 million guaranteed, per the House Organ.

The Falcons send Matt Ryan to the Clots for a 3^rd round pick in 2022.

And the Falcons sign QB Marcus Mariota for two years.

As for the remaining team in the Deshaun sweepstakes, the Panthers: they could trade for Baker Mayfield.

SPROTS TONITE

NCAA Women’s Tournament

Wichita Region

12 Belmont @ 4 Tennessee – 6 PM

Spokane Region

6 Ohio State @ 3 LSU – 7 PM

Bridgeport Region

11 Princeton @ 3 Indiana – 7 PM

7 UCF @ 2 UConn – 8 PM

Greensboro Region

5 North Carolina @ 4 Arizona – 10 PM

NBA

Madness Refraction means pro ball overcompensation. Classic toxic masculinity smgdh. Anyway,

Pelicans @ Hornets – 6 PM

Lakers @ Cavaliers – 6 PM

Trailblazers @ Pistons – 6 PM

Heat @ 76ers – 6:30 PM

Jazz @ Nets – 6:30 PM

Raptors @ Bulls – 7 PM

Wizards @ Rockets – 7 PM

Celtics @ Thunder – 7 PM

Timberwolves @ Mavericks – 7:30 PM

NHL

Bruins @ Canadiens – 6 PM

Golden Knights @ Wild – 7 PM

Oilers @ Avalanche – 8:30 PM

Predators @ Ducks – 9 PM

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Brazil Campeonato Carioca (Rio de Janerio)

 Botafogo v. Fluminense – 6 PM

Chile

Unión Española v. Nublense – 6:30 PM

Colombia

Deportivo Cali v. Atlético Nacional – 6:10 PM

Independiente Santa Fe v. Bucaramanga – 8:15 PM

Ecuador

Deportivo Cuenca v. Universidad Católica (Quito) – 7 PM

Paraguay

General Caballero JLM v. Guaireña – 6:15 PM

Perú

 San Martٟín v. Carlos A. Mannucci – 7 PM

Uruguay

Montevideo City Torque v. Danubio – 7:15 PM

Still have Texas Tech alive in my otherwise useless bracket. I plead ignorance, until the Red Raiders win the championship. Please hold your adulation ’til then.