Are you ready for some desert football?  Because you’ll soon be getting it.

Before all that, a reminder that the Prem is back this morning, but feel free to sleep in.  The 7:00 fixture is going to make the Final Four seem fellatio-free.  Bees/Chelski is in the barrel at 10:00 (USA), followed by Men Untied against Foxy Footy (12:30, also USA).  Man City gets Team White Lives Matter (10:00, Peacock), which had best be a hiding of epic proportions.

Thank fuck Everton don’t play until Sunday No-fun-day, which will 100% be a hiding (away to Moyesy’s Rum Hammers).

I will be back to yell about how much I hate (and have sworn off watching) MLB and college hoopsball, both.  Fuck this lousy Smarch.

I will ask the first question, and then encourage my fellow panelists to suggest otros.

King Hippo – Who do y’all think is in most danger of being a post-hype Italy (surprisingly flaming out in the desert like they did against North SwarthyLand – not winning the European Euros, that’s too meta for this point in time)?.  FUCK YOU, my rules, I make ’em up.

BALLS:  First of all,  LOVE the title to this post and I feel we need to start with this:

Now, what was the question? Oh yes, who is going to pull an Italy? I think by necessity this gets restricted to Euro or South American sides.  The champions or “big teams” of the other regions are not big enough to earn any hype. My choice is Belgium. Their Golden Generation is ready to get golden retirement watches yet everyone thinks DeBroom is going to pull a miracle and Cocoon their asses into a championship.  Not gonna happen.

I think at this point it might be appropriate to post who ended up in which group:

GROUP A

1 Qatar

2 Ecuador

3 Senegal

4 Netherlands

GROUP B

1 England

2 Iran

3 USA

4 Scotland / Wales / Ukraine

GROUP C

1 Argentina

2 Saudi Arabia

3 México

4 Poland

GROUP D

1 France

2 Australia / UAE / Perú

3 Denmark

4 Tunisia

GROUP E

1 Spain

2 Costa Rica / New Zealand

3 Germany

4 Japan

GROUP F

1 Belgium

2 Canadá

3 Morocco

4 Croatia

GROUP G

1 Brazil

2 Serbia

3 Switzerland

4 Cameroon

GROUP H

1 Portugal

2 Ghana

3 Uruguay

4 South Korea

Gentlemen,  what do you think about teh Hippo’s question?

Other Hippo:  Lesser Guay looks to be in an awkward spot to us.  Getting older, and Black Stars will frustrate them.  Plus South Korea is no pushover.

Litre: I think Portugal the team crashes out. Their group is tough and any of those 4 wild cards could go through. I would like Balls’ prediction to be correct but we will get in to that later….

Don T: Croatia, Russia 2018 Finalist, doesn’t get out of the group stage. Call it a Slav Super Bowl hangover.

/takes note of panel URUguay unbelievin’

***

Question The Second: Who gets out of each group?

Keep in mind that the first and second place teams in each group move on to the Knockout Rounds.

BALLS: Here’s the way I see it:

A: Netherlands,  Ecuador

B: England,  USA

C: Argentina, México

D: France,  Denmark

E: Spain,  Germany

F: Belgium,  Canadá

G: Brazil,  Cameroon

H: Portugal,  Uruguay

Hippo:

A: Senegal,  Ecuador

B: England,  Iran

C: Argentina,  Submarine Screen Doors

D: France,  Peru (solamente representario de la coca!)

E: Spain,  Germany (everyone will say this)

F: Belgium,  Canadá

G: Brazil,  Nazi Gold

H: Portugal,  Ghana

Litre:

A: Netherlands, Senegal

B: England, USA

C. Argies, SesciMexi

D: France, Denmark

E: See above

F: Well, we know where my heart lies so Canadia, and Belgium

G: Brazil , MITROOOOOOOOOOOOO Serbia

H: Korea, Ghana

Don T: 

Grupo A – The Neds and Ecuador (sneaky good). Sorry, Sénégale. Your “big” wins are two PK shootouts, against Egypt. Not enthused. Prove me wrong. They’ll be The Lasers ’til otherwise.

Via @Juezcentral

Grupo B – I love this group! Englen and a super-stoked Irán.

Grupo C – Argentina and Poland. I reserve the right to review México’s chances after a trip there in the next months.

Grupo D – France and Perú. Yes, Perú. I predict Perú will defeat whomever in the one-off playoff in June AND get more points than Denmark and Tunisia.

Howevah, I’m REARIN’ for Tunisia v. France. Judging by colonial history, that could be a two red-carder.

Grupo E, Fascism Preservation Society – Spain and Germany most deffo, plus axis Japan… Yeah, I stand by the slur. Neutrals Costa Rica or New Zealand takes some of the edge off the group. My prediction? DEFER. I wanna see if the Ticos win the playoff in June first.

Grupo F – Belgium and [withheld for potential jinx reasons].

Grupo G: Chalk and a wish – Brazil and Camerún.

Group H – Uruguay and Ghana. InciDENTALly, the last time both teams played was the 2010 URU win, the Suárez red card game:

🥰

***

Question 3: Who will be the funnest team to watch?

BALLS:  If they make it in,  Scotland.  If not, one of the African teams.

Hippo:  Peru, see below.  Also, Canada because Jonathan David fucking rules.

Litre: I would have to say Senegal, they are coming in hot and all CAF teams are wacky. Or Serbia as Mitro is on fire.

Don T: For me? Irán will be the team to watch. Playing, in the Middle East, against imperial power Englen, the Great Satan, and another Europeen heathen? Ooof.

Footballwise, Belgium and Brazil. Crank Theory: Their players will be more rested, with club seasons barely starting before the Mundial break. Yeah, the Bs should dazzle.

***

Question 4: Who should neutrals root for?

BALLS: I would recommend Ecuador as they’re going to be underdogs but they will have a chance at some success.

Hippo:  Peru if they make it.  They’re fun, and seem like they abide by “the best defense is a good offense.”

Litre: Saudi Arabia, Qatar, UAE,

/accepts envelope of cash

Seriously cheer for Canada. We were the last ball out, we are unpredictable and have no douchebags on the team. A bunch of the guys came to Canada as immigrants and see this as paying the country that took them in back. (Borjan told me this)

Don T: Canadá.

And Uruguay #Obvio

***

Question 5: Which team should I hate-watch (besides the hosts Qatar)?

BALLS: You really have your choice of Middle Eastern teams here but you also have a choice of Balkans. Depends on your geographical preferences.

Hippo:  Fuck the USMNT with the rustiest of dildoes.  Then, fuck England (too bad Iran and the Scoots can’t realistically both advance from that Group of Shite).

Litre:  England. Always England.

Don T: For Republicans, Irán; for Democrats, USMNT.

***

Question 6: Who will win it all?

BALLS: At this point,  I see the first four groups as being pretty easy and the last four as pretty hard.  The winner should come from one of Groups A, B, C, or D.  I hate to say it,  but this could be Messi’s and Argentina’s year.

Hippo:  Forget about thumbs on the scale, FIFA will mash both palms to gift this torneo to Messi and his asshole pals.  But I think Belgium finally gets over the hump.

Litre: The Dutch. New generation, team speed, hot fans (both sexes).

Don T: 

***

Question 7: Predict how productive you will be during the World Cup, which will go on right in the middle of the 2022 NFL season.

Don T: I promise to cook and buy groceries.

Hippo: I will leave the house ONLY for pills or cat needs.  The days with both Copa y RedZone will break my last strands of sanity.

Litre: Oh boy, I burned my personal days for the qualification games. What time are these damn games anyway? I have always loved the 5:30 AM games at the Ship. During a recent tilt for SexsiMexi v Brazil it was full at 5:30 but had outside tv so the Mexicans drank in the school bus that brought them from rural Alberta.

BALLS: I’ve already decided I’m taking vacation all Thanksgiving Week and will most likely take the next week off unless I can “work” from home.