I apologize in advance for tomorrow.  I will go missing all day, and there will be no Derby of Ultimate Despair live blog.  Because I hate those fucking thundercunts so very much that I can’t even bear to watch the mauling.  Hope for Premier League survival is fading, but there’s still a faint heartbeat left.  For getting a result at Anfield?  Fucking.  Goddamned.  Hopeless.

Being in a relegation battle is more intense than I ever could have imagined.  At the risk of sounding fucked-up (GUILTY), it is a bit like watching a family member slowly die.  And my Dad had pancreatic cancer, so I have first-hand experience of that.  No, it’s not EXACTLY as bad.  I am just saying the ballparks are relatively close.

It doesn’t help any that its Team White Lives Matter who will pip us for 17th position.  Managed by White Michael Jackson, because of course they are.

Fortunately, most of y’all support someone else.  You make good life choices, or at least better than mines.

Wake and bake with schizophrenic Arsenal and epic shitshow Men Untied (7:30, USA).  Our much beloved King’s Afrikan Water Pistols ran train at the Bridge midweek, after losing at home to Brighton. They haven’t made any sense all season, and it’s likely too late to start.  Each of these squadoos will likely be in Zooropa or Zooropa NIT next European campaign, but if there’s a winner – hope won’t be lost for that precious 4th Shempions ticket.

They’s a triple featUre at 10:00, with Man City playing Ded Moose Hornets (USA), Leicester/Villa (CNBC, both sides playing for fuck shit), and Ded Norwich v. the Bonesaws on Peacock.  Not particularly appetizing choices, but I will likely white knuckle Man City – who need to win out to claim the Title.

Bees/Spurs gets proper spotlight treatment (12:30, NBC), so I guess that aspect of the new broadcast arrangement isn’t kaput.  You’d still favoUr Spurs for 4th, as they are ahead of/slightly less schizo than Arsenal.  Bees are fully safe now, which is fantastic work by their Drunken Sailing Instructor (h/t, Fronk) manager.

Football will cease to exist Sunday, so I won’t mention any of that noise.  You get Palace/Leeds for Monday Night Footy (3p, USA) – and Everton’s back door option requires Leeds to go into total freefall.  Amusingly enough, online Leeds supporters tend to just refer to new boss Jesse Marsch as “Ted” (for the Ted Lasso character).  YES, they are still 100% Bielsa Loyalists.