Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Life is about making an impact, not about making an income [in bed].
Kevin Kruse.
Kinda words to live by, I guess.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
So Lake Mead in Nevada is drying up (THANKS CLIMATE CHANGE!) and they just found a body in a barrel they think is from the 40s. Guessing it’s not going to be the last one they find there
Sharkbait
40s. Vegas. Yeah, that’s the first of thousands
ballsofsteelandfury
/wife and I were joking about me always being mistaken for being 10 years younger than I am
Wifey: “Now that you’ve got all that grey hair, that’s not gonna happen anymore.”
/today at the doctor’s office
Doctor: “Huh. Why are you getting a colonoscopy at such a young age?”
Me: [shrugs shoulders]
Doctor: [rifles through my paperwork later on] “Oh! You’re 58! I thought you were about 44-45 years old.”
scotchnaut
Me: Id like a colonoscopy.
Doctor: What’s that?
Brick Meathook
Graduates of The Upstairs Medical Clinic continue to disappoint.
scotchnaut
I need new tires, so Gumby and I went out to see what size mine are. There was a roadrunner standing on the roof of my car. He was supervising, apparently. That’s the second one I’ve seen since we moved here. Meep meep!
Gumbygirl
Gonna have me some strip mall sushi for dinner. Pray for Rikki.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Prayers sent to RTDs toilet
Game Time Decision
You know what, just take the brush outside and set it on fire. No need to clean it.
Horatio Cornblower
Hello, dinner!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
One hour later…
WCS
It’s no fleshlight…
Gumbygirl
$20 says its also more than “gently used,” as well.
WCS
Remember, anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough
BrettFavresColonoscopy
“This is the worst advice I have ever seen.” – an emergency room doctor
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
THESE AVS I CALL THEM ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER BECAUSE THEY’RE KILLING THE PREDATORS!
Mr. Ayo
We also would have accepted the prison guards for Jeffrey Epstein.
litre_cola
(most obvious case of goalie interference results in a goal called back)
Home announcers: “I don’t see that, I dont get it at all!”
herodotus450
If Crosby scored that goal it not only would have counted they would have called the goalie for tripping Crosby.
Horatio Cornblower
If they call goaltender interference on that MSG is going to be more hazardous than at Chinese buffet
Horatio Cornblower
I haven’t seen Rangers get screwed like that since the 5th edition of Dungeons & Dragons came out!
Dunstan
“+3” – Hunter Renfrow
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
LOL
it occurs to me that a lot of the problem lately is a surplus of fucking around and a deficit of finding out
rockingdog
I’m not saying the rest of you are useless, but I will say only Horatio had a box of beer delivered to my house today.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I was going to send you something, but the terms of the restraining order were quite clear.
Dunstan
Found a funny;
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, push a man into a volcano and the sun god will ensure a bountiful harvest this season
rockingdog
WCS
Great now we got Chao hosting GOP coke orgies, we’ll never get the clubhouse clean
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Fire should get things nice and clean
Sharkbait
Super Nintendo Chalmers!
WCS
Litrepug just woke himself up farting and it is god awful. Funny moment, god awful result.
litre_cola
Are we going to talk about the fact that Cuntler casually showed up in the comments section this week like he hasn’t not been here for a year and then was actually super helpful before ostensibly disappearing for another 6 to 12 months?
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Anybody else getting a shitload more spam texts lately?
BrettFavresColonoscopy
He doesn’t have my number nor like me as much as you.
litre_cola
Shouldn’ta given me your digits
SonOfSpam
I was exposed to COVID earlier this week (I’m fine, tested negative), so I’m staying at home all weekend drinking and watching hockey.
No, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly, but…
Dunstan
This is what I still don’t understand. All we had to do sit at home, eat carryout and watch TV and surf the internet.
How did we screw this up?!
Redshirt
Great hustle by everyone who contributed to Request Line today. Great, great hustle.
[slaps many asses, hard]
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“Many asses were slapped hard, some others were slapped gently, your Honor. Of that there can be no doubt. HOWEVER, by joining this site it was implicitly implied that at any juncture, at any time, your ass would be slapped, HARD! I rest my case!”
-RTD, arguing his case in court after some dipshit ratted him out, smgdh…*
I was in Venezuela at the time, so you can rule me out*
**Horatio? He was at CIA Headquarters in Reston Virginia, according to his phone. Unbelievable!
scotchnaut
“I’m not gonna lie-I don’t like Starlight Sparkle’s chances but I’m confident that she’ll make friends along the way.”
-Anon, Ohio
scotchnaut
Starlight Sparkle is my Brony name!
Dunstan
“Summer Is Tomorrow” is pulling double duty-it’s a horse in the Kentucky Derby and a Hallmark Movie about a small town girl trying to save her dad’s granola farm.
scotchnaut
“We like horses, basketball and denying dirty whore women the right to an abortion-come visit us soon!”
-The State of Kentucky
scotchnaut
The funny hats, the weird names, all the prop betting, the actual event lasting only two minutes, tons of people watching from the stands-reminds me a lot of my wedding night.
/don’t feel bad-I took the over on 2 minutes and barely scraped by. Made a killing. “Thanks Baseball!”
scotchnaut
Balls, you may proceed to gloat
BrettFavresColonoscopy
— me, after a good masturbation session
Dunstan
Is there such a thing as a bad one?
I guess maybe a splinter could be involved,
SonOfSpam
“Today, on a Very Special Monday Mock Draft on DFO…”
Redshirt
Gumbygirl
Found a funny;
editor: so what are you gonna name these 2 things
dr. seuss: look man, i just told you
editor: w-what
dr. seuss: [grabbing him by the collar] thing 1 and thing 2, tell me, now do you get it? just smile and nod, or i’ll make you regret it
rockingdog
80-1 shot wins, tries to eat the escort pony after the race…feel like a piss test is in order.
SonOfSpam
After the race he tried to eat another horse. That’s the mark of a champion.
Brick Meathook
Jordan Pickford is a Cat
King Hippo
Somewhere, in the back of a dark closet, on top of a pile of sweaters, Jay Cutler wakes up, blinks, shifts slightly in his divot, curls up, & goes back to sleep.
BeefReeferLives
Oh man. Good evening, all. Finally got my basement quasi-set up here in the new house. Found an old Panasonic Viera 50-inch plasma TV for dirt cheap on FB Marketplace, and it’s finally rigged up and set to go… honestly, for a hundred bucks, it kicks ass. Maybe in a few years I’ll get myself some new 4K setup, but I spent the last five or so years on a tiny 32-inch LCD, so this seems still quite luxurious by comparison.
Also, the Leafs lost, which is always glorious.
The Maestro
Y’all can be jealous. Real live Sunday Gravy at Yeah Right’s place:
ballsofsteelandfury
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Just wrapped with work for the day.
Booooooooooooo
KINGS IN OT!
I AM SPENT and the floor’s a mess
NO HITTER FOR THE ANGELS!
Detmer? Ty in his second career?
Mormon lifestyle once again defying the ravages of age.
Makes sense. With half his passes being a few feet away from his intended targets, he would make an accurate pitcher.
So the Rays (who are getting no-hit) brought in outfielder Brett Phillips to pitch the bottom of the eighth.
Right-handed hitter Anthony Rendon turned around to bat lefty.
And homered.
Nice job, Nebraskan Republicans! I knew you still had the capacity for good!
Trump candidate loses Nebraska GOP primary after allegations of sexual misconduct (msn.com)
WAY TO BARELY DO THE BARE MINIMUM!!!!
Assuming the guy who won hates Jews and puppies.
I’m not even going to look for fear its true. I just need a win.
Angels’ Reid Detmers has a no-hitter thru 8 now.
If the Kings don’t choke away their lead, this could be a prettay good sports night in this hovel.
THESE TAMPA BAY RAYS I CALL THEM NOT-ADRIAN-PETERSON’S-KID BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN A HIT THROUGH SEVEN.
Who is the woman announcing the Kings game? She’s making me miss Doc Emerich.
Leah Hextall. Ron’s cousin
I take it all back.
I don’t need Ronnie showing up at my house at 3:00 am looking to fight me.
It’s like a Beth Mowins with the energy of Gus Johnson. Very odd.
She’s awful. It’s like she read a book like ‘Announcing Hockey for Dummies’ and just went right into the booth. She’s just a step off on everything, and it’s incredibly irritating.
I switched over to the Blu…
Hang on, Ron Hextall’s in my driveway.
Threaten his neck with a skate. He’ll back off.
THESE SUNS I CALL THEM A SPIRITED GAME OF VOLLEYBALL BECAUSE THEY ARE PREVENTING MAVERICK FROM SCORING.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxzwfZ2Wa94
[looks up score of Suns-Mavericks game]
“Oh, this looks interesting”
[turns on game]
[Suns go on a 17-0 run]
https://vimeo.com/708481765
Did you find the pie spot?
nope
Hero ship.
The ship’s motto should be “Tis but a scratch”
I think its “non obtinuit tempus mergi”.
…and as a reward for helping to win the Pacific theatre and defeating the evil Japanese Empire, the most decorated US ship in World War II was forgotten and torn apart for scrap.
I cannot think of a better analogy with how America treats its veterans. Its too perfect.
By the end of the war the Enterprise was a beat up wreck. It was held together with tape. Not only would it have cost a fortune to preserve the ship, it still would have been a safety hazard. That was the main reason it couldn’t be saved despite a long and committed effort with a lot of influential supporters. It just wasn’t feasible.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iGBMok_tqNo
Aaron Judge. BALLGAME ADJOURNED.
He hit the shit out of that pitch.
WOOOOO Kings!!
Fucking Monarchist, just place your neck in the indicated area – Robespierre
Uhh…hmmm….
Shut up you fool, or they’ll know you fathered The Dauphin and then it’s curtains for you!!!
One of my favorite South Park moments ever.
I am honored to be included and enraged I’m still working and sleepy and hungry and a little horny.
Related: when I read “Twitter sucks!”, I understand “My follows suck”.
Xenon and Argon sound like they would be cousins of Gamblor.
Yes, get your hopes up Leafs.
Embarrassing, really.
Gonna see more than a few FFL teams called Chinese Hurricane Guns next season.
I feel like if the stars aligned you could tell Meghan Fox that was your name as a solo artist musician and she’d hook up with you.
Look, I am 1,000% aware that Ms. Fox will not lose a second’s sleep over this, but her “I drink Machine Gun Kelly’s blood, but only for ritual reasons” has taken a lot of shine off that gem.
To quote an 80s standup comedian whose names escapes me “It’s gotten so I won’t even go to bed with a woman unless she says, Okay, I’ll go to bed with you”
I always thought Firestarter was the most cinematic of Stephen King’s books, but I’m not terribly optimistic about the version that’s about to come out.
It seems the “let’s just keep making the same movies all over, just shittier” trend ain’t gonna fade.
At least Prodigy make it their own.
King’s books just don’t seem to translate well to movies. The Shawshank Redemption being a notable exception.
The sweet spot of parenting is when your chill’uns is old/big enough to follow instructions to walk on your back, but not so old/big that you fear an accidental crippling.
Same reason I don’t hire Cub Scouts to jump on my balls while wearing stiletto heels.
I mean, sum things is just common cents
New goal: get a tablet and rig it with WiFi and telephone app. That would enable handling or sending emails, plus delight fellow beachgoers with me doing yap-yap-yap / wanking motions during work calls.
Habs won the draft lottery.
Leafs are losing 2-0.
Bruins are losing 2-0.
I have wine in my glass, and a pizza on the way.
Everything’s coming up Dunstan!
NAWT FACKIN’ FAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Banjo Brass Bonanza plays joyously/ominously
/Horatio breaks out the voodoo dolls
I guess the key is to hire Jeff Gorton as GM.
“Damnit, I wish the guys from Philadelphia would make a game out of this.” – General Cornwallis, circa 1780
I have the weirdest sense of deja vu…
“I’ve never been here before.”
— T. Green, after locking himself inside his own car for the third time this week
There have been 911 calls about people “locking” themselves in a vehicle. So, point Trent!?!
“Never met him, but, good work, Trent!”
— Trent G., attempting to use his barbeque grill as a go-kart
There’s nothing to see here
-Obi Wan Kanobi, waving hand
That trick only works on the weak-minde… what was I saying?