Before we get started with the Sexy, some business to attend to.
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Balls’ Monthly Resolutions May Update!
Resolution #1 – Fitness
The goal is to get to 15% body fat and stay there. I got to 13.6% in April so first part was achieved! The trick now is to keep it below 15%. I am currently at 14% and holding steady. In the meanwhile, I just finished a program and increased my personal bests on 5 lifts including bench, squat, and deadlift. I should note that these PRs are lifetime PRs. I’ve never been as strong in my life as I am now. I didn’t start lifting until after college. Not too shabby if I say so myself. I will be starting another program after the holiday.
Resolution #2 – Literature
The goal is to read 5 new books in 2022. Last month, I was given a book to read for work and I finished that. In addition, I finished “The Little Sister” by Raymond Chandler. So, I had 2 down and 3 to go in April. In May, I got into a reading frenzy. I finished “The Long Goodbye” by Raymond Chandler and then promptly ordered and read two of the Fletch series books by Gregory McDonald (“Confess, Fletch” and “Fletch’s Fortune”). Resolution COMPLETE!
Resolution #3 – Writing
The goal is to create a new series for DFO. I have written it all and you have started reading it. It’s a 7 part series that will finish publishing in June. I hope you are enjoying it so far.
Resolution #4 – Leisure
The goal is to take a week off work with no cell phone availability. Just like last month, I haven’t scheduled anything yet, but I AM taking more vacation time. I’m in a Use It Or Lose It situation, so I’m on vacation every Friday until the end of the fiscal year. Including today. 4 day weekend, bitches!
Resolution #5 – Giving Back
The goal is to perform one act of giving back per month. In April, I didn’t really do anything. Today, as you are reading this, I am volunteering for my high school alma mater to help with their graduation events. I still owe one for April, but at least I’ve got something for every other month.
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EPL Prediction League Results
Way back in 2021, we wrote a group post in which we made predictions for each position in the English Premier League ladder. How close were we? Well take a look at the table below!
You will notice that I have color-coded it. Green means we got the position exactly right. Yellow means we were only 1 position off. Pink means we were REALLY OFF. It was the worst pick for each person.
For some reason, everyone was enamoured with Leeds and they just barely stayed in the Premier League. As always, we are idiots that don’t know anything.
Also, you may think that Horatio did the best because he got 3 green boxes. However, you may also notice that he put three pairs of teams in the same position.
It’s a tossup between Litre and Fronk as to who gets the Gently-Used Fleshlight. I’ll let each punter state their case in the comments and the people will decide.
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And now, some sexy music:
I leave you with this thought for the long weekend:
“Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose designer lingerie, in the vain hope of kicking some life back into a dead relationship. Choose handbags, choose high-heeled shoes, cashmere and silk, to make yourself feel what passes for happy. Choose an iPhone made in China by a woman who jumped out of a window and stick it in the pocket of your jacket fresh from a South-Asian Firetrap. Choose Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and a thousand others ways to spew your bile across people you’ve never met. Choose updating your profile, tell the world what you had for breakfast and hope that someone, somewhere cares. Choose looking up old flames, desperate to believe that you don’t look as bad as they do…Choose live-blogging, from your first wank ’til your last breath; human interaction reduced to nothing more than data. Choose ten things you never knew about celebrities who’ve had surgery. Choose screaming about abortion. Choose rape jokes, slut-shaming, revenge porn and an endless tide of depressing misogyny. Choose 9/11 never happened, and if it did, it was the Jews. Choose a zero-hour contract and a two-hour journey to work. And choose the same for your kids, only worse, and maybe tell yourself that it’s better that they never happened. And then sit back and smother the pain with an unknown dose of an unknown drug made in somebody’s fucking kitchen. Choose unfulfilled promise and wishing you’d done it all differently. Choose never learning from your own mistakes. Choose watching history repeat itself. Choose the slow reconciliation towards what you can get, rather than what you always hoped for. Settle for less and keep a brave face on it. Choose disappointment and choose losing the ones you love, then as they fall from view, a piece of you dies with them until you can see that one day in the future, piece by piece, they will all be gone and there’ll be nothing left of you to call alive or dead. Choose your future. Choose life.’’
That might be the best thing (and the “Call on Me” video, holy crap) I’ve ever read, as always.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wxI4KK9ZYo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YhR5UfaAzM
That uptick in Balls body fat was supplied by pie.
J’Accuse!
A fair trade that I would make any day.
Thinking of visiting in late August or mid September. I would really like to see a Mariners game because that’s one of the baseball stadiums we haven’t seen yet.
She’s lived in LA and San Diego exclusively her entire life and today’s text said, “Dad, the Mexican food sucks though.”
I sent her some chilies and seasonings and recipes and reminded her that it’s still better from scratch.
Keep me updated. The team sucks but the stadium is awesome. And she’s right about the Mexican food.
Give Away Night?
Whatever it takes.
Ooh, speaking of Mexican, we went to a place up the street that was mad good tonight! And War was spectacular. Those guys are in their 70’s, and they went flat out for over two hours. We danced our feet off, it was a great night!
I saw them in the Kingdome. We used to buy cheap seats and wander down to the field level. There was never anyone there, so no one gave a shit. We sat behind the A’s bullpen once and pissed off Mickey Tettleton so bad he wanted to come up after us! Asshole. Wasn’t even the starting catcher for Oakland, and they sucked as bad as the M’s.
Daniel Ricciardo has a bad wreck during Monaco practice this morning.
His team boss on the radio: “Is the car okay?”
Ricciardo: “Uh, I’m okay.”
Yikes. He’s old, but not that old.
But was the car okay? We may never know.
THESE GWS GIANTS I CALL THEM A YOUNG GIRL BLEEDING THROUGH HER PANTS BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CLOSE OUT A FIRST PERIOD
Plug it up!
Gross also gross.
Also gross is letting a 31 point lead turn into a 12 point lead in like 6 minutes
Speaking of completely, embarrassing shitstorms, the Reds have…somehow….won three games in a row.
Triggers Warning for old Cleveland logo. In lieu of learning to photoshop, please mentally replace the old racist logo with the happy faces that was on the KKK robes in “Blazing Saddles”.
Major League II – Winning Streak – YouTube
They damn near doubled their season run output last night alone!
In case anyone is wondering what the GOP and SHitler did at the NRA Convention, just imagine the worst things they could’ve done. You got it? Well, throw it away because odds are they topped it.
Unless they decided to recreate Jonestown I absolutely do not give a shit about anything that anyone involved favorably with the NRA does.
Ok. I’ve got a bone to pick with you Canadians.
I’m watching Shoresy and HOLY FUCK ARE THERE HOT CANADIAN WOMEN!
Is it a Canadian thing that you are sworn to secrecy about this phenomenon?
Listen man, bragging about anything is simply not the Canadien’s forte.
Even I’d they bragged, they’d apologize for being rude.
Its not secrecy but its just because they’re too nice to objectify them by highlighting their beauty.
Ladies from Toronto are traditionally some of the hottest. Trish Stratus as exhibits A through DD.
We’re supposed to get thunderstorms around 2:00 am, and I’m determined to stay up and see them. is this a ploy to drink more beer? Yes, but if you had friends who hooked you up with a case of beer from Trillium, you’d do the same thing.
And yes, that bottle is deliberately blurred. It makes you think you’re much drunker than you actually are.
what is rain and what is rain
This summer “rain” is something that we are told we’re getting, only to see the front evaporate just prior to getting to us.
That said, tonight’s storms are very promising, and I do love a good lightning storm.
Temptation (Whore) Island is on and someone just got shot down in flames. I don’t exactly know why, but I’m pretty sure the guy put his man parts in another girl’s lady parts, and his supposedly committed lady was not part of those parts. There are a lot of moving parts here, some of which were clearly moving together when they should not have been.
Anyway, I was trying to find the hockey game.
Lady BFC fell asleep during the credits but I’m up and gws starts playing in like five minutes, so….
Great hustle staying on track with the goals. Your summary piece kinda sums up life huh Buddy?
Woohoo! The Heat are hot!
and the ground is dry but the air is full of sound
My handsome boyfriend and I are waiting to rock out to War at Morongo! We are early, for once!
Awesome! We won’t tell Gumby!
He’s our favorite, don’t tell your handsome boyfriend.
That Cisco kid was a friend of mine.
Better see some dancing when Cisco Kid gets played.
I saw Steve Winwood in Birmingham at the fancy arts center. We were in the last row, and no one in the whole place but me danced. Assholes!
Losers
There was much dancing!
What is it good for?
please don’t spill the wine
Did not, but I took the pearl!
Not a lot of movies are about two hours too long but that one was
Sorry, is. It’s still fucking going.
Meanwhile, I’m watching Shoresy and laughing my ass off. Choose life.
O THE AVALANCHE NORDIQUES HAVE WON MAYBE
NAWT FAIR!
https://twitter.com/BillSimmons/status/1530363603311656961
FAHKIN FACKS NO ONE DENIES THIS
Sir please do not make me root for the Heat TOO LATE
Ok hockey has my full attention now that Jeopardy is done. (Final was amusing)
Ooh, sorry. You didn’t phrase that in the form of a question.
The correct answer is “What is amusing?”
Guys, the is CFL preseason on right now.
Like halfway through this movie and already thinking about the Keaton Batman as a palate cleanser
Why didn’t someone just shoot Joker? When he’s going through one of his deranged monologues just pull out a gun and put shoot him. I feel like Batman is overthinking a lot of things here.
Never gets old for me.
+2 J. Todd; B. Gordon
/runs into clubhouse and grabs fleshlight
I got the Champion right
/runs away giggling
I can say with a clear conscience that I meant to put Norwich in last place.
I cannot, however, say that I had any idea where Leeds or West Ham would wind up, or for that matter where either Leeds or West Ham actually is.
Well, duh, West Ham is to the west of Ham.
Which just coincidentally is centered in the Reid compound.
“Reid compound” is, coincidentally, what ER doctors now call pediatric fractures caused by drunk drivers.
“Also, you may think that Horatio did the best because he got 3 green boxes. However, you may also notice that he put three pairs of teams in the same position.”
Buddy, I still got three right.
I got two of the relegated teams and chose the Bees as I am a very bitter man.
Mrs. Horatio: Wrong Hole!
Horatio: Baby, I still got it IN a hole!
I feel confident her reaction would not be to simply say “wrong hole”
Yeah she’d be like “Balls? You’re back?”
You’re close, but it’s more like “What the fuck are you doing!?”
Why were you in our bedroom just now?
That sure ain’t going to like what’s being mailed next week.
He might like fitness snack into his mouf
16 lbs. of fried lard.
In Alberta it’s a delicacy!
(It’s, uh, it’s also a delicacy at my house)
Oh, and the Lakers’ new coach is HAM.
Really like the hire unless Andy Reid eats him.
I read this as HAIM. I’d do whatever Danielle told me, contract status be damned.
Is that the middle one, closest thing to a lead singer? Because yeah.
Corey looks dejected.
you misspelled “decomposed”
ah mean if I’mma fuck a corpse its gonna b at least a GIRL corpse smgdh no homo
Really, after a few months who can tell with these things?
Good job on the strong thing!
Also, if we choose not to decide, we still have made a choice.
Exactly the point.
Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroine!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaP7qmsQbSI
Welp, that’s my 2022 Reds!
Reds’ Tommy Pham, Giants’ Joc Pederson have pregame altercation, benches clear – The Athletic
Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme – YouTube
Tommy Muthafuckin’ Pham is a national treasure!
lol the argument was about a FFL they both play in
That’s just outstanding.
Very appropriate considering:
Not animated thus proving the hard G pronunciation is correct.
If Joint Photographic Experts Group can be “jay-peg”, then Graphics Interchange Format can damn sure be pronounced like the peanut butter.
I swear I read Dick. Twice!
This is little man.
This is big man.
Hugging, kissing, and squeezing these boys extra tight tonight. Don’t ever want to let them go. Violence against them would shatter me.
Shamelessly pandering for fleshlight votes with your adorable children! Litre needs to counter with Deci and the pugster if he wants to compete with that!
I figure my quadruple-chin adequately knocks me out of the competition. For anything. (Thank you. They’re the best.🤓)
You’re cute as a bug too Fronk!
TGISF!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5ujRpbMRVE
This man gets me.
She’s gonna hurt her neck sleeping like that.
I’ll just pop in and help her up.
¡Jesús!
I’d come a lot quicker than after 3 days.
Well, I’d certainly rise from the dead for another go!
ain’t shoulders teh BEST
That book is enthralling.
You did say you wanted to read more…
Cannot waste ice cream like that. Gotta lick faster!
Like I tell my wife, I’m licking az fast as I can.
Wow
Indeed
If you had ever told me I would get turned off seeing Jennifer Connolly in a lesbian scene involving a double-ended dildo you would have been telling me that before I watched ‘Requiem For A Dream’
Great movie that I have seen exactly once, and plan to keep it that way.
That is a really fucking cool picture.
That might summon moose
Mr. Ayo’s official pic of the week!
This is another great artistic picture. The light capture is amazing.
This is what Brick should aspire to with his fancy cameras and late nights.
Also, I’m thinking it’s an apt flash back pic from The Lady of the Sea of Sin,
Fuckin’ dummy. Her battery’s gonna die just leaving the lights on like that, and then where will she be? Other than nearly naked and on an isolated beach and oh God I’ve walked into another porn set haven’t I?
This may be one of my all-time favourites.
Not allowed:
h
ttps://64.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_laknrwC3pO1qbeo1do1_500.jpg
That’s outstanding!
So I’m drinking this King Julius Horatio sent me and it is really fucking good
But is it good enough to get me through The Batman? Check back in 3+ hours to find out.
How are you not watching The Bob’s Burgers Movie???
Easily?
I’ll get to it.
Good luck. I’ve never been able to make one of those last more than 1/2 hour.
Yeah I’m on my third Horatio beer of the night