So it’s almost Father’s Day. Coincidentally, I am jumping every time my wife moves her hand to her belly because she is in The Final Week of pregnancy and I keep expecting our second child to make her appearance at the least-opportune moment possible.  This is a joyous and deeply frightening time, because (having not completely fucked up our first one) we decided to add a whirring chainsaw to the juggling act and I have doubts about my ability to Maintain.

I understand a fair bit of this has to do with my inability to properly produce and utilize my natural supply of neurotransmitters. I also understand (based on our experience with our first child) that part of parenting is finding an Acceptable Level of Failure (“ALoF”).  I’m not the father I had hoped to be. But I realize now that level of Dadditude was never a realistic option.  My son insists on still-frozen pancakes for breakfast.  He insists milk tastes horrible unless drunk from a red straw.  He often wears jeans to bed because comfy pajamas “suck”.  He says “suck” routinely at the age of not-quite-3.  But he uses “suck” in context-appropriate ways, so I’ve decided that’s an ALoF.

What will an ALoF look like now, with a whole new locus of chaos introduced into a precariously-balanced system?  Am I just going to end up lying in a heap on the floor, allowing children to use my slowly-liquifying form as a climbing apparatus until they plant a flag in the exposed buttcrack to claim final dominion?  Am I going to convince myself to get a…minivan?

*shudder*

But enough of using this as my own private therapy session.  Happy Fathers’ Day for those who celebrate, want to celebrate, hope to celebrate someday or are frantically stocking up on contraceptives to stave off celebrating.

NFL NEWS: Jack. Shit.

We are deep into the weeds of Fluff Piece Time, when even beat writers’ best efforts to drum up Speculation and Controversy are exhausted and give way to stuff like “From Dairy to D-Town: How Sixth Round Draft Pick Klint Honkeyman’s Upbringing In Rural Saskatchewan May Pay Dividends for the Lions”.  I understand that the Content Monster must be fed, but when the leading football story of the day is Cam Newton wearing a stupid hat and leaving two pieces of cake on a plane, maybe it’s time for the NFL Industrial Complex to shut it down for a week or three?

Also: how can you leave two pieces of cake on a plane? For a man who was just talking about making better decisions and not putting himself in bad situations, Cam Newton sure ain’t walking that walk.

-Not really “News” but Washington Clit Commanders’ wideout Terry McLaurin has essentially announced that he will be skipping next week’s mandatory minicamp in pursuit of a new contract.  He is entering the final year of his rookie deal and is slated to make $2.79 million.  Based on some quick math from Washington’s 2019 gate receipt numbers, that is roughly one (1) game’s visitor ticket revenue that Dan Snyder stole.  Given that McLaurin has managed to average over 1000 receiving yards in his first three seasons while catching passes from Case Keenum, Alex Smith, Dwayne Haskins, Kyle Allen and Taylor Heinicke, I’d say the man deserves at least three quarters of a season’s ill-gotten gains.

NOT NFL:

We are in the home stretch of Winter Sports season, because why stop playing hockey when it’s 113 outside?  With both Basketball and Hockey finally into their finals, I have chosen to forego my normal disdain and pay attention.  While neither series has any games tonight, I will nevertheless grace you with my Thoughts:

ICE FOOTBAW: Well shit.  It’s Tampa Bay (again) versus Colorado.  I don’t know how to feel about this series. I am on record as saying that professional ice hockey has no place south of the 36th Parallel, and Tampa deserves its reputation for STDs and MRSA. But Colorado is owned by Stan Kroenke, and I cannot in good conscience wish anything positive for that guy.  Hell, if Colorado wins we are faced with the prospect of Stan Fuckface Kroenke being the reigning champion in TWO major sports.  I know we have a strong Avalanche contingent at DFO, but I’m afraid the best I can do for you is a heavily disputed loss on an obvious bad call, a la Brett Hull’s 1999 kick.

BOUNCY FOOTBAW: Well apparently I’m very late to the party on this one, with the Golden State Warriors up 3-2 after last night’s win over Boston.  When I saw they weren’t playing again until Thursday night, I was going to rail against the NBA for trying to tantric out the playoffs as long as possible.  Then I saw that JetBlue is the official airline of the Celtics and realized that two and a half days was probably the minimum time JetBlue could guarantee for a coast-to-coast flight.

Anyway, I am similarly conflicted here. Steph Curry seems fun and awesome. However, Draymond Green remains Mr. Crotch Kick to me. Boston has Jayson Tatum, who does a lot of good back here in St. Louis. However, Boston is fucking Boston.

Warriors in 6.  Although how Golden State has a player named Andrew Wiggins whose nickname is anything other than “Ender” is fucking beyond me.*

• I have learned that (one of) Wiggins’ real nickname is Maple Jordan. That’s…not bad.

MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS:

–Automatic flushing toilets– toilets, not urinals– are discriminatory against Standing Wipers.  I’m not here to say one way or the other is right (although Albert Einstein, Betty White and Jesus were all Standers- just saying). But when you stand up and the toilet flushes before you can get Square One out of the shitty industrial toilet paper dispenser? That’s a microaggression saying “Oh, were you not done yet? I just assumed that when you stood up, you were done like a civilized human being. Please, take you time, flush me again and waste more water whenever your barbaric version of ablutions are finished.” Fucking robotoilets…

-Do not @ me regarding bidets.  The concept of a bidet in a public restroom is an affront to God.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Mostly a shitload of baseball.

• The Cardinals and Pirates have the second half of a day-night double-header after a scorching afternoon.  Look for the Pirates to start some shit around the 4th inning so they can go home early.
• The Fucking Yankees take on the Tampa Bay Rays.  I am actually sad that Tampa’s “Let’s Play Half A Season In Montreal” plan fell through, because I was really curious to see how this insane solution to an easily-solved problem (contract the Pirates and move the Rays to Pittsburgh) would play out.  Modern professional sport is a game of mercenaries whose ties to the city they “represent” are usually tenuous at best; rooting for the laundry is the accepted norm.  So what happens when a team tries to stretch even that to the breaking point? Forcing together two culturally, nationally and linguistically-distinct fanbases (although I admit the existence of a Tampa fanbase is largely speculative) 1500 miles apart with literally no commonality except neither could support a team on their own? Shit, I am HERE for that show.  Also, do we have an over-under date for when the Yankees’ sign-stealing scheme comes to light?  If it’s anything before October 1, I’m taking the under.
• The Most Glorious Baseball Blue Jays take on their disease-ridden bird-brethren Orioles in Toronto.  Speaking of, here are Mayhem’s List of Teams for Contraction/Relegation/Summary Execution:
  • Orioles
  • Pirates
  • Diamondbacks
  • Marlins
  • Yankees
  • Red Sox

WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:

SGT. BILKO!

Steve Martin! Dan Aykroyd! Phil Hartman! Chris Rock!

The second half of the 1996 Military Comedy Dyad (with the previously-featured Down Periscope), it is the tale of chronic grifter Ernest Bilko and his attempts to bring joy and culture to the United States Army.  Is it as good as Down Periscope? No.  However, it is the last time in Steve Martin’s filmography that he got to be Steve Martin, Wild and Crazy Guy. It also has some deeply quotable moments, such as “All I ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

Also, Phil Hartman as a villain is deeply satisfying.