Rum, Simile and the Lash: Hail Squishface (and Tuesday Open Thread)

Sorry I apologize for depriving you of my authorial brilliance last week. We were busy having a baby.

Sister Squishface Mayhem was born last Tuesday. She cannot change shape or dance the meringue,

but her gas may kill us all, so that’s a parallel.

UPDATE: I am informed that is the “merengue”. This is the “meringue”

Either way. HAIL SQUISHFACE!

NFL NEWS: Nothing happy.

* After threatening a holdout, wideout Terry McLaurin has allegedly tied his near future to the brick that is the Washington Clit Commanders. It’s supposedly a 3 year extension onto the end of his expiring rookie deal, meaning that he is stuck until 2026. On the upside, he sold his soul and sanity pretty dearly, with a mostly-guaranteed $70+ million payday, $28 million of which is a signing bonus. Given the likelihood that Washington would franchise tag him next year, it was probably good to get the money now. Now we just wait for Snyder to start smearing him in the local newspapers.

*Out of work running backs Adrian Peterson and Le’Veon Bell have agreed to box each other at an exhibition match in July. Peterson has already guaranteed victory, stating that he will “whip that guy like he was my son’s scrotum”.

NOT NFL:

Baseball. Baseball as far as the eye can see. No more basketball. No more hockey. No Corrupt World Cup until fucking November.

I suggest sleeping until at least mid-August

WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:

Like I can stay awake long enough for a movie.

I suggest the aforementioned SeaLab 2021. Even though it now qualifies as alternate history.

EDIT: I am a fucking idiot. It’s Mel Brooks’ 98th birthday, so you should watch one of his many masterpieces. So in the interests of creating artificial conflict, here is my Ranked List of Mel Brooks Brilliance:

1. Young Frankenstein

2. Blazing Saddles

3. Spaceballs

3a  Get Smart

3b Robin Hood

4. History of the World

5. Dracula: Dead and Loving It (don’t @ me, it’s a classic)

6. The Producers

7. High Anxiety

8. Silent Movie

9. 12 Chairs

10. Life Stinks

I will be taking no questions.